Anyone have unsupportive family members?

[morethanthis 0]

Hi all, I am new here and almost finished with my 6 months of evaluations and classes. I'm hoping for a Jan or Feb surgery date. I decided not to tell anyone that I was going through the process except my husband, at least until it got closer to the time. A few weeks ago I decided to tell my mother inlaw and sister inlaw, who have been very supportive, as has been my husband every step of the way.

I do not have a very good relationship with my mother, it has gone downhill in the past few years and in the past year I have only seen her on holidays. I am an only child and she has always been a single parent (my Dad was never in the picture). I decided to tell her I was going to do this, rather than keep it a secret. I had no idea her reaction was going to be so horrible, or I may have just decided to keep it to myself We went out to lunch and I told her and she immediately was very shocked and upset. She spent the rest of the car ride home telling how opposed she is to 'these types of procedures' and how she knows countless people who have had WLS and how horribly it has gone wrong and they ALWAYS gain the weight back. I let it go and just didn't say anything.

Since then (several weeks ago) she has been sending me emails listing all the reasons why she thinks I shouldn't do this and how I have no idea what I'm in for and how terrible the repercussions will most likely be for me and I'm 'headed down the wrong path' and I must be 'out of my mind' and that she is so strongly opposed to this that it 'sickens' her, etc, etc, etc :smile2: I have calmly tried to explain to her the points where she is wrong ....I think she actually has very little knowledge about the lapband itself, but lumps all WLS together. She has a medical degree (not human medicine) and tends to be a bit of a 'know it all' :thumbup: She keeps saying she just wants what's best for me, and if I just put a little effort into it, I could do this on my own.

The last email I responded to her I gave her all the facts about the surgery and said that I needed to make the best decision for myself and my family (I have 3 kids under 6 years old) and very loving supportive husband and inlaws. After being overweight my whole life and emotionally tormented much of my childhood by her trying to get me to lose weight, pointing out my appearance, etc. I know this is the right decision for me. I can already see my 6 year old daughter starting to be overweight and I do NOT want her to have the same problems that I struggled with I want to be a healthy mom making good decisions and setting a good example.

My mom is hardly even a part of my life anymore because she is such a negative person in general I have deliberately shut her out and she really has made almost zero attempt to be a part of mine or my kids lives. I suppose I am letting her opinion bother me much more than I should. Even though she is barely a part of my life anymore, somehow I still wanted her to be encouraging and supportive and she wasn't. Not only wasn't she encouraging, she has been downright insulting towards me about this and it still stings. I guess I am still learning how to live my life without her 'approval' for things....isn't funny how even when we are adults and our parents may have not done such a hot job sometimes we still seek their approval for things?

If you have made it this far bless your heart I guess I'm just looking for a little emotional encouragement. Thanks for listening

[AlienBandit 10]

I am so sorry your mom is being so hard are you. Would she rather you have more serious medical problems because your not at a healthy weight etc?

Your lucky at least to have a support inlaw family. My situation is not exactly the same but might be in the future.

See I live half way across the world from my family. It was supposed to be a year away that has turned into a few more years. I had the surgery in Korea and never told my family back home. I knew they would protest because they didn't know how heavy I actually was, would be afraid because I wasn't home, would think it wasnt necessary for the surgery and wouldn't want their "baby" ( I was 24) to have a very serious surgery.

I have done this entire journey alone because I didn't even tell my friends here. Though it was somewhat a challenge it made me stronger and more independent. I was able to do everything even the recovery without anyones help. Though not everyone thinks they are strong enough to do that I know you can be strong enough if you try.

Don't let your mothers negativity bother you. Once you get the surgery and lose weight, she might come around and see it was a good thing to get done. You are doing this for your health not for anything [or anyone] else.

I hope my family will be like your in-laws when I finally tell them the truth

[Fluffy_Gurl 3]

Im sorry to hear that you dont have a good relationship with your mom. But you cant please everyone. The only person that maters if you please them is YOU! I think you should share your feelings with your mom, but ultimatly this decision is yours! It sounds like you have doing well without your mom in your life..and you can continue to do so. you will do well! haave faith in yourself! you are the one who matters!

[morethanthis 0]

Thank you for the encouragement from you both I wish things were different between my mother and I. She is just such a difficult person to get along with. I'm so jealous when I see women my age who have good relationships with their mothers

Alienbandit- Good luck telling your family. I hope they are loving and supportive. Maybe if they haven't seen you in awhile they will just be happy to see you're doing well.

[amanda5279 0]

I'm having the same problem of unsupportive people. My unsupportive people are my husband.. Who thinks I'm going to lose weight and leave hime..lol.. and my best friend who is also heavy and that I asked to do this with me but is influenced by what everyone else tells her. I wish I didn't have to wait 5 more months and I could just get it done. I'm tired of them trying to talk me out of it. I'm sooo fustrated with them I could just cry. My mother-n-law and mom are sooo suppotive because they both had gsatric by-pass surgery. But it's hard when I know if I lose a lot of weight my husband is going to be soo jealous and make my life miserable. :thumbup:

[Cleo's Mom 257]

Morethanthis: I am almost 60 years of age and I have dealt with many difficult family members, including my mother, but not about WLS - about other things.

I came to the point where I realized I didn't want to spend anymore time or energy on toxic people. They weren't going to change. So, I decided that if people didn't have my best interest at heart and weren't going to treat me the way I deserved, why would I want them in my life.

They say you can't pick your relatives. True. But you utimately can decide who is part of your life - related or not.

So, tell your mother that you were not seeking her approval, you were just informing her. Tell her that she doesn't have to agree with your decision but she has to support it and you don't want to hear anymore negative or critical comments as it is important to be surrounded by supportive people on this journey.

Tell her that if she wants to have any part in your life, she will either have to be supportive or silent about this. Otherwise, tell her you will block her emails or just send them to the trash, unread.

I know it's hard to do, but I wish I had done what I did a lot sooner. My life is so much better now, but it took some guts and later getting cancer, to know what is really important in life - especially when you don't know how much time you have. Do you really want to waste it on these type of people or on those who love and support you.

It's a tough choice but one that you need to make.

Good luck.

[Banded Bob 1]

To the op, You are doing this for your best interest. Don't let your mom influence your decision or care what she thinks. If she can't be supportive of you no matter what then shes not much of a mom. I will support my kids 100% unless they were to commit a crime. Even then I would do all I could to help them.

Amanda5279, The green eyed monster can be brutal. My ex was very supportive of my decision but after the weight came off she became unbearable to live with. She convinced herself I was cheating on her with a coworker and badgered me night and day. Even harassing me at work to the point of it causing problems with my employer. If not for her craziness I would never have left. But now I'm glad I did. My life has improved since the divorce and my stress levels are way lower. Hopefully your husband won't react this way but since he's already concerned, be careful.