Fianc? wishes I wouldn't have surgery...

[The_Joker 0]

I need some suggestions on how to deal with my fiancé in regards to the LAP-BAND®®. I have wanted this surgery for over 9 years, but I have never had an insurance company that would pay for it. I now have a wonderful insurance company that is going to pay everything except $1500, which I’ve almost paid off. The problem is that my fiancé does not want me to have the surgery. He has not come right out and told me that yet, but I can tell that he is very unhappy with my decision to follow through.

I have just went through a 6 month waiting period (diet & nutrition, along with bariatric counseling), but he has not mentioned it the whole 6 months. I didn’t either because we would end up fighting, so I’ve kept my mouth shut. Now that I am within 2 weeks of the surgery, he is beginning to freak out. He is worried that I will die during surgery, says that I am risking my health for an elective surgery, and that I am doing this for selfish reasons. He said what bothers him most is that he sees I’m going to have the surgery regardless of whether or not he agrees. He is of the opinion that if both parties don’t agree then it should not happen. He also wonders that if I make such a huge decision now without him, will I do the same thing when we get married.

I tried to explain all the basics to him about statistics, being healthier, living longer, etc…, but he is still upset. Can anyone please help me come up with something to tell him when the subject comes up again?

[happygirl65 5]

This is a really big decision, one you are obviously commited to. The reality is you are the one who will have to live with the permanent changes. It will have an effect on your relationship, no doubt about it. Things are changing. You are changing your life and he will have to adjust to everything that entails. It is not always easy for our significant others to wrap their minds around big changes especially when they have no control over it. You should definitely talk to him about it more if you can and explain that this is something that you are not entering into lightly and that it doesn't feel like it is an elective surgery for you or you wouldn't be doing it. It is certainly not an "easy way out" as many people think but simply a tool to help you achieve the goals that hopefully will ultimately let you live a longer, fuller happier life...and doesn't he want to be married to the happiest and best possible you?

As for making big decisions without him...that is a reality. I have been married for 12 years now and I can tell you that even though we are married we make decisions on our own, we get input and discuss it with our partner but in essence we are trying to understand each other more than control each other. Everyone has their own mind and their own feelings, married couples don't always agree. I like my hair short...he likes it long...so I cut it short...it's my hair, I have to feel good about myself...this body belongs to me, not him. Sometimes we have to love and respect each other enough to know when something SO big and SO important means being supportive and loving them through something we don't fully understand.

I wish you every happiness and the courage to follow your own heart whatever that means. (((HUGS)))

[eadreel 0]

My H realized that he would rather have me for the next 50 years instead of the next 10-20 because I would have died from obesity. Surgery is really much safer now a days. My doc has NEVER killed a patient, I asked.

The official Lap-Band site states that there has NEVER been a death during or immediately after surgery in the US study.

Would your fiance be saying the same thing if you had to have your gallbladder out?

You are doing this to save your life.

[Sheeba 0]

My husband was completely against me doing the surgery. He was angry that I made the decision despite his objections. 16 months later, he LOVES my thin body and agrees it was one of the best decisions ever ... although he blames me for his weight gain because he likes to finish my meals. :smile2:

[honk 780]

I think it is important for you to remember that this is your body. You are the one who can suffer/die from complications of being overweight. To be truthful the first thing that comes to mind is whether he secretly worries that you will leave him when you loose weight.

I know I sound alarmist but I had a stroke at 39 the doctors don't really have a reason why. The can't say that it was because I was overweight but they can't rule it out either.

So I would liken my decision to have WLS (huge difficult decision) to having a fatal disease but choosing to be treated for it. As opposed to going home and letting the disease take it's course.

[Llyra 3]

I've been married 29 years; we were together for an additional two years before marriage. One of the reasons we've been able to maintain a good relationship is that we respect each other's right to make the final decision on anything that affects personal health, occupation, or peace of mind.

He is of the opinion that if both parties don’t agree then it should not happen.

All this "both parties must agree" stuff does is allow him to have the final say re: your surgery. If he tries now to prevent you from doing something so important to your health and happiness, what else might he try to prevent you from doing in the future?

Frankly, your fiance sounds like he has some serious control issues. Perhaps next time the subject comes up, you should suggest some sessions with a marriage counselor to work out why he is so opposed to something you've spent nine years planning for and that will improve your health and the chances for a longer life with him.

[BetsyB 9]

I know you're farther down the road, but can you take him to one of your surgeon's introductory seminars? Or to one of the preop classes/appointments with you?

My husband was not enthusiastic about the prospect of banding at all--but the seminar and attending the first appointment with me put his mind at ease. (For one thing, it strongly put into perspective the relative risks of obesity and surgery.)

My daughter was also nervous---but away at school. A couple of weeks before my surgery, she attended my nutrition class with me. It covered the same stuff as my initial seminar, plus a good deal more. She left feeling reassured, as well.

I know you've been trying to protect him from worry, but knowledge really is power. If your fiance hears, from your surgeon, that the risks of surgery are far, far less than those of remaining obese---and really are quite minimal----his mind will be put at ease.

I respect your wish to make him more comfortable, but he is quite mistaken about the "both parties" thing; it is your body, and if he is demonstrating control issues about something that is not his to control, it represents a problem to me. "Both parties must agree" is a terrific policy to apply to having babies---but not to things that have the potential to improve your health, quality of life, and lifespan. (And you can tell him unequivocally yes--you will be making decisions independently after marriage; if you want a healthy relationship, you will remain independent in many regards.)

It's a shame he's flexing his control muscle so soon before your surgery date--it doesn't leave much time to explore what's really behind it. In your shoes, I'd tend to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it's fear---and give him the information he needs to become comfortable with it.

But I'd really want to explore the control and communication issues before marriage. Perhaps with a professional. The fact that you have felt the need NOT to discuss this with him--so as not to rock the boat---leaves me feeling vaguely concerned about the tenor of the relationship.

Edited September 29, 2010 by BetsyB

[annieM 2]

Wow, is he one of those guys that prefers fat women? That is the only thing I could think of that would make him be against you being banded. Or is he a fatty himself and fears losing an eating buddy? Sheesh What a control freak.

You need this for your health. I am assuming that you may want a child or two also and your health is so important in achieving that goal. By all means go to pre-marital counceling to work this issue out. Don't let it fester.

[The_Joker 0]

I really appreciate all of your responses. It has definitely given me something to think over, especially about why he doesn't want me to have the surgery. I just always thought he was concerned for my welfare because he is really convincing, but it just might be that he's a really good actor.

We have been together over 8 ½ years, so he might not want to change the way we are right now because we have always been so comfortable with each other. He is not a big man, but he started dating me while I was large, so maybe he just likes a bigger woman (even though his mother said I'm the only big woman he's ever dated). Yeah, she won't be saying anything like that again....

I am now wondering if it is a jealousy issue; he might be concerned that I'll find someone else when I lose some weight. I believe that there is only so much that I can do to make him feel secure in our relationship though without constantly trying to boost his ego. He should have enough self-confidence to only want the best for me and our future.

Either way, I am having the surgery. Regardless of what anybody thinks, I have always done what is best for me and I'm not going to stop now. I wish all of you the best in the world with your experience. For me, I'm so excited about this surgery that I feel like a kid again!!!!!

[Tsaleen 1]

It sounds like he is insecure that you will lose weight and find someone better. You should tell him as long as he treats you good this will never happen, and your relationship will be better once your health improves and your quality of life together will too.

My husband was more nervous about my surgery than I was, he was worried I would die under the knife as well. He told me up to the last minute "You know I love you just the way you are, and you don't have to do this" but I told him I was not going to change my mind and he supported me 1000% and still does.

If your fiance is not supportive in the long run he may not be the right person for you. Remind him of the traditional wedding vows:

I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live. For larger and for smaller!!!!!

[LarraineM 6]

Just tell him to get over it ! Your decision stands its about you getting a healthy lifestyle. I remember during the Pre Lap Band Psych evaluation we discussed at length

relationships and how our loved ones could pose many problems if THEY have issues...................Be strong!

[emjay 8]

Joker -

You've received alot of good advice and insight from those who responded. Since you are firm about having the surgery, do try to include him and remind him that you will have the biggest success if he is supportive of you. Having him attend a session where he can ask questions is a great idea.

My brother was very skeptical of the procedure until he attended a session and found out more information. And believe me, he would have asked a ton of questions! After that, he was very supportive.

My hubby is incredibly supportive. It makes it hard that he's a foodie, and he doesn't always get why I am irritated when he buys me potato chips or fried food when I'm trying to eat healthy. But he helps me in other ways like exercising together almost daily. We push each other to do it if one of us doesn't want to.

He sees how much happier I am and knows that I love him no matter what. Sometimes an insecure thought will come out of his mouth and then I just reassure him that we are in a good place. He was very apprehensive about the surgery also and still doesn't exactly understand the issues I have with food, but he tries and that's all I can ask for.

Include your fiancee' in as much as you can. Encourage him to be apart of your success and appreciate it when he does. Doesn't hurt to stroke his ego once in awhile! Your fiancee' just may be afraid of the changes that will occur, but if he's apart of it, he will be more likely to be accepting of the situation.

Remind him that a happy wife is a happy life! :drool:

[lauragshsu 6]

My husband didn't want me to have the surgery, either, at first. It was because he was afraid I was going to die. It came from a friend having bypass and having severe complications and almost dying (she was in coma for 2 weeks). I showed him all the stats, especially the page we were given at a seminar that showed my surgeon's stats vs the national average. He was still nervous the day of, but has been very supportive.

The thing is, you know your fiance better than anyone else here, and only you can be the one to discern his real motives for being against the surgery.

[The_Joker 0]

I want to thank you all again for responding to my post! It has taken almost a month, but he has finally come around. He made the statement last week that he had been thinking about the surgery and decided that he wanted what would make me happy, regardless of whether that included the surgery or not. I don't know what changed his mind, whether he saw my dogged determination to have it or the fact that I was no longer involving him in the process because of our fights, but he FINALLY changed his attitude.

I got my approval last week, and the date is scheduled for November 19th. He actually seemed happy for me when I told him the date, so maybe he actually means it.:wink2: Good luck and God bless to all the rest of you with your process.

[samomom 19]

My husband wasn't really thrilled with the idea when I initially looked into this about a year and a half ago. I made an appointment to see a doctor on Sept 14 of this year and mentioned it to my husband over the phone while he was is Amsterdam on business. He was ok with it then and when he got home I told him about the proceedure, but I didn't talk about it incessantly. Just the facts, ma'am! We laugh about how I'm going from bitch to skinny bitch!

I had my band done on Sept 28th. My husband didn't even go to the surgery center with me in the morning because it would have been too much of a hassle to drag the kids out of bed so early and then rush them back to school and then get back to the surgery center. We were both that comfortable with what was going on that I was totally fine with it. He came just about when I was done and because I don't come out of anestesia fast, he knew to head for Starbucks for an hour or so. I asked the nurse to call him when I was waking up and had her tell him that his skinny bitch wife said to come back now. The nurse said exactly what I asked and he came back. We were all good, he was calm, I was happy and groggy and now he only worries about my boobs getting smaller. He said the rest can get skinny as long as the boobs stay.

He now is excited for me when my pants are loose or I tell him that I'm stuffed after a few bites of food. I think he realizes that I am much happier, will be totally healthier, and won't have to be on cholesterol, blood pressure and possible diabetes meds at the ripe ol age of 36. I'm sure the thought of surgery wasn't thrilling to him, but when he knows that soon enough he'll have a HPOA(hot piece of a$$) for a wife, any reservations will have gone away.

I'm happy that you are going through with the surgery and he is now on board. I bet that he will be thrilled with the weight loss and it may even make you closer.