Why am I here?

[vega1star 0]

So I wrote this for myself but I wanted to share with people who understand. I'm being banded on Friday this week!

Dear Self,

Why am I doing this? Why am I subjecting myself to this? Well mainly it’s for my kids. I’d like to be healthy and be a good role model for my children. I want to be with them for as long as possible. There are other more selfish reasons of course. I’m so freakin sick of having the sore back all the freakin time! I know it’s because of my belly and I’m hoping and praying that if I’m able to get rid of that my back won’t hurt anymore. Every time I go to pick up Little Stink or when we are in the rocking chair nursing and I go to put him in his crib it hurts SO bad. Bending down to clean up their toys is a nightmare. I’m also so sick of being scared that I’m going to develop diabetes. If I’m able to loss weight and keep it off, that fear will most likely be alleviated. Not to mention of course, the HPB which weighs on my as well. I’d like to be able to nurse my next child without having to worry about that medication at least. I’d like to be thin enough to attempt a VBAC for baby 3 so maybe I can even have baby 4 if I want!

I also want to be able to run without hearing my belly flap. It’s more than embarrassing. I want to be able to run and play with the kids. Play soccer or baseball or tennis without being winded. I want to be able to ride my bike without fear of a hill. I want to be able to run and get my baby if he falls more quickly than I can now. I want to be there for them more than I am now.

I want to be able to walk into a room of people I don’t know and not be looking around to make sure there’s someone fatter than me in the room. I want to be able to stop looking for the shock or disgust in people’s eyes when they see me (as a point of note, I’ve NEVER seen that though! I just look for it). I want to be taken seriously and included in circles that I’m currently not given the opportunity to join. I want to be able to ride my bike or take a walk without worrying what the teenagers are thinking or worse yet saying about me. I don’t want the day to come when my little boys say to me “Mommy, you are fat” and I simply have to respond, “Yes, Mommy is fat”.

I want to see the looks on people’s faces when they see me thin FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! I want to welcome my sister home from aboard having lost 100 pounds. I want to go to weddings or other family events and see all their faces when they realize that it really is me. This has been a dream since I was 10 years old. I’d like to finally see it come to fruition. I want my husband to be able to pick me up and swing me around like he does his mother. I want him to find me attractive. I want him to tell me he finds me attractive.

What am I scared of though. I’m scared of not succeeding. That’s for sure. I’m scared that I’ll go through all of this and 10 years down the road I’ll be back right where I am now, and I’ll have to watch what I eat on top of it. That would SUCK. If I’m gonna be fat, then I damn well want to be enjoying it! I’m scared that life is gonna suck after the surgery. I’m scared I won’t be able to follow the diet. I’m scared I’ll lose my drive after too short a time. I’m SUPER scared I’ll have a recurrence of my anxiety problems. In the past this was enough to keep me from trying anything. But it’s been well controlled for around 7 years so I do think I’ll be ok. If I’m not, well then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I’m scared that life is gonna suck without good food. I’m scared of what I won’t be able to eat anymore. I’m scared of not nursing for 24 hours. I’m scared of not being able to lift the kids for a time. That will be hard. I’m scared that I’ll give up too soon. I’m hoping that the band will not let me do that! I’m hoping that the results will be such that I don’t want to do that. I’m hoping to succeed. I’m hoping not to be disappointed by my audacity to hope.

[sil 0]

to vega1star good luck on your surgery i so feel you on the letter to yourself. believe me you will not regret it.you have to be a healthy you in order be the best you can be for your family,i am sure you are a great mom.wishing you the best.you letter is so me.(hugs)keep us posted on how you are doing.