Losing more than just my weight...

[rcain03@hotmail.com 1]

Today I find myself in a weird place. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this problem. It seems that since my surgery...not only am I losing weight...but, I have lost a "friend" and my husband. The "friend" has just totally flipped out since my surgery. It's like she is obsessed over the fact that I am getting my life in order and my health. She acts as though she is in competition with me or something. I in no way at all...talk about my surgery, my weight loss, or anything like that...that could be making her jealous. So, I don't understand this? Then there is the issue with my husband. He has always had his insecurities...but, they are just really overwhelming now. It's like he is purposefully trying to self destruct our marriage now. Kind of like a..."let me get her, before she gets me" kind of thing. It has not even crossed my mind that I would leave him just because I've lost weight or that I would betray him. Yet, he left "to go see his daddy" and didn't come back home until the next day. Without even a phone call and when he got home and I asked where he had been...He told me it was "none of my business". So, I told him that since it was none of my business than he should leave and that I was through with this mess. I don't feel I "have" to put up with this crap. Maybe, I am expecting more for myself now. Anyways, just thought I would see if anyone else has had a similar experience with people treating you differently for just trying to get yourself in order. I really don't understand why people who are supposed to care about you would not want the best for you? Thanks for any input! :thumbup:

[LapBandBobbi 8]

Sounds like there were issues there before you started losing the weight. Maybe he needs some counseling. Good luck.

[Phranp 46]

We can't change anyone else, but the minute we change ourselves, our behaviors, our attitude, etc. -- LOOKOUT cuz everything around us starts changing! People expect us to stay in the little box they have put us in. Often, when we are overweight, there are people in our lives that feel secure because they feel our weight makes them superior, or at the very least equal. Problem is, that's THEIR issue, we have nothing to do with it. So when we change our lives and get healthy, lose weight - all their insecurities come to the surface. Oh well, so be it. Your true friends will always be there; and, this friend that you're having the problem with may actually come to her senses and realize that it's not about you, it's about her. She may apologize to you. Time will tell.

As for your husband, I am so sorry to hear that this is happening. I hope that, if it is your desire to repair your marriage, you and your husband can get whatever help you need to get it done. I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

All the best to you on your journey.

[alilbittyna 0]

I am so sorry to hear about your issues with your friend and your spouse. As for the friend, sounds like she was once the center of your attention and now you are focusing on you and she is no longer the princess in the middle. Sometimes you just need to cut your losses. Maybe she just needs some time, but if she is hurting you, she doesnt deserve you as a friend.

As for the spouse...I think I can relate. My husband is extremely jealous and I think he was the main contributor to my weight gain because I was thin my whole life until him. He didnt want me out of his sight and worried about me having any sort of life outside the house. So he fattens me up so I dont want to go out and I am only attractive to him. He was happy.

When I scheduled my surgery he kept saying that now I was going to be thin and I was going to leave him and want to go out with my friends all the time. The day of my surgery, my anesthesiologist made a stupid comment of "well, watch out because once they lose the weight they all want to go out and party all the time". That was the LAST thing my husband needed to hear. He continues to make comments and say, "dont think that you are going to start going out all the time now". I dont know how to ease his jealousy. I am doing this for me and us so that I can be a better wife and mother, have confidence to make love to him and not just quickies because I dont want him to look at me because I dont feel sexy. I am a 40 year old Mom with a 7 and 9 year old. I work full time and have a mother with a terminal illness....when the heck do I have the time to go out and if I did have the time...I am going to catch up on cleaning and sleep!!! He just doesnt get it. This is the ONLY bad part of having had my surgery. Every day he makes some kind of comment. I hope it doesnt ever get to where you are, but when a guy is jealous it makes LIVING very hard.

I wish you the very best of luck with everything!!!!

Tyna

[TN_girl21 1]

Rcain,

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems! I can slightly relate to the husband problems. I will give you a slight background. We got married a year ago August 1. We did NOT have a good first year of marriage. We separated. I filed divorce papers. We did not even Celebrate our anniversary. I ended up telling him that if he wanted to work on things, we need counseling and he had some serious work to do on himself, and I need to work on me. Well, we've only been working at this for 2 weeks but so far so good. Yes, I have changed since I've lost 50 pounds. And I told him that, and I told him that I was not putting up with his BS anymore, and that if he wanted to fix it, he needs to act like a true husband. The best thing I did for my marriage is tell my husband everything I have been thinking and feeling. I've never felt like I did when my husband I were on the verge of divorce. I really do encourage you both to sit down and talk to each other. And if you do decide to work on you marriage, counseling will definitely help! If you need to talk, feel free to PM me!

[drm1123 0]

Today I find myself in a weird place. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this problem. It seems that since my surgery...not only am I losing weight...but, I have lost a "friend" and my husband. The "friend" has just totally flipped out since my surgery. It's like she is obsessed over the fact that I am getting my life in order and my health. She acts as though she is in competition with me or something. I in no way at all...talk about my surgery, my weight loss, or anything like that...that could be making her jealous. So, I don't understand this? Then there is the issue with my husband. He has always had his insecurities...but, they are just really overwhelming now. It's like he is purposefully trying to self destruct our marriage now. Kind of like a..."let me get her, before she gets me" kind of thing. It has not even crossed my mind that I would leave him just because I've lost weight or that I would betray him. Yet, he left "to go see his daddy" and didn't come back home until the next day. Without even a phone call and when he got home and I asked where he had been...He told me it was "none of my business". So, I told him that since it was none of my business than he should leave and that I was through with this mess. I don't feel I "have" to put up with this crap. Maybe, I am expecting more for myself now. Anyways, just thought I would see if anyone else has had a similar experience with people treating you differently for just trying to get yourself in order. I really don't understand why people who are supposed to care about you would not want the best for you? Thanks for any input!

I just got my surgery and I don't forsee this happening to me partly because my husband and I split before my weight gain and my friends have seen me all kinds of sizes so now when I lose weight they will probably make bets on how long it will last. However, what is happening to you has happened to many people I have met in support groups. I believe it all comes from insecurities of both your friend and your husband. However, this time is all about you now. Do what is good for you, love yourself and don't play into their games and insecurities. I recommend you attend support groups and also if possible seek professional help, i.e. family therapist, psychologist... it helps

[TracyNYC 4]

I posted a related thread just the other night. Mine is about losing friends. (I am not married) It is so sad that people have problems when we change. I was never a mouse, but am way more assertive now. I think my best friend does not like it. She has sort of been 'the boss' in our friendship, and now does not like it that I stand up to her more. She struggles with her weight but tells me all the time she would never do the band. She can do it alone and HAS with WW/shakes/pills (the whole route). She sees the band as cheating and the easy way out. In the past I would not have said much, but now i say that if it so easy, why not do it? or I know you can lose the weight, I could too, but it is always back. She does not like that.

I can not offer wisdom on the marriage issue other than you know your husband best and if you think you can resolve some issues or not.

Good Luck.

[BeachBabe 0]

think this is really normal. My psych consult covered this and the psychiatrist asked if I thought this would be an issue that could come up in my mairage. You guys should go to counciling.

[OneYearLater 14]

One of the things that happens to us and causes us to gain weight especially as women is that we are caregivers. We devote so much of our time and energy taking care for others through our lives and neglecting to take care of ourselves. Your husband and your "friend" are probably so used to being the center of your universe that they feel threatened you are taking steps to take care of yourself for a change. It's different and change is something that some people don't accept too well.

It could also be that something big that you had in common is now gone. Eating is a social activity and a common thread for many people. Think about how often we meet up with friends to eat or how much "together" time with our loved ones is spent at meals. That might be part of the "change" that they are having difficulty adjusting to.

It sounds like it's possibly all of these things as well as jealousy, resentment...and perhaps thinking that now that you are doing these healthy changes in your life that you are going to start trying to change them as well- even if that is not the case.

All of these things won't get resolved until you can talk them through with your loved ones. You are capable of loving them AND loving yourself at the same time.....but you need and DESERVE that love and support in return.

Good luck!

[copa 0]

Your husband probably does feel insecure. If you are like me, I have clung to him like glue because of my insecurities, but losing weight will cause a lot of the insecurities to go away, and you will feel better about yourself. If you love him, just show him a little more in every way you can. And if you don't love him, then just pray to see what God wants you to do. I am so sorry you are having this problam. Just remember, whatever you decide, that you will want to feel good about yourself on the inside as well as on the outside.

[Angera 2]

This is definately a difficult topic. Before weight loss, I would drop friends like nothing if they did something wrong to me. I still feel the same way. If they aren't supportive of my life decisions with surgery, then I dont need them. Always easier said than done, but in the end I find I am a more sane person without toxic people in my life! I am very fortunate that my core of supporters have been great. They are various folks from my work life, college friend, and my immediate family.

The husband thing is tricky. My way of making sure my husband and I are in sync is I actively involved him in EVERY aspect of my process. He was there for all visits, doctor consults, etc. I told him about every single nutrition visit and even started him in a healthier nutritional regimen. It was a way for me to make him just as part of the ordeal as i was. I wanted there to be open lines of communication for him to vocalize his concerns. And he did, he was/IS nervous about me leaving him. I told him "well it took me nearly 6 years to train you, why in the world would i wanna start over with someone new"..............hahaha i kid i kid, but it is hard. Do I know what the future holds for my marriage? Unfortunately not. Am I going to do everything in my power to make it work? Absolutely

Sometimes you come across a lot of negativity regarding marriages post lapband. I feel as i've come across a lot more folks who were quick to say it isn't going to last. But you'll have to remember, all those other married folks making it work probably aren't spending their time giving advice on message boards, they're probably out living life! so just remember, it can work out for you and your husband, and try not to let the negativity overwhelm and cloud your thoughts and decisions. But realize, it won't always be easy.

I wish you the best, I hope everything works out for you