Losing friends

[younghippiechick 0]

The letter to your friends was unfortunate. This passive/aggressive letter stood to inform them of your anger and disappointment in them. Who wants to be a friend to someone who shames them because they do not give enough attention to you? Your self absorption discludes any kind of same "shared experience" with you. Please count how many times you used the word "I" in your letter. This journey that you are on is to find out who the real "you" is. This is your journey, not theirs. If you look, you will see that your self-absorption does not allow your friends any room to even want to give of themselves to you, because you are aggressively demanding it from them. Taking hostages is not the same thing as making friends. Be of service to them and they will be happy to reciprocate. Friends are not something that you "deserve", rather, they are people to whom you give of yourself. The main point is: Stop talking about yourself all the time. If you do a self inventory, you will find that you talk about yourself a lot and play the victim. I think you are probably in your 20's. It is a very self absorbed age. It is up to you to be someone lovable that people want to have around. Care about your friends. Don't just expect them to love you. Love is an action and a choice.

[dreamskin 0]

It is so weird, isn't it? You wouldn't think it would make any difference.

[dreamskin 0]

That is harsh and I disagree, who wants friends that make no time for you at all? I think your reply to a genuine concern was super aggressive.

[Kat817 19]

People change.....you changed, or you would not have chose to take the band route in your life.

As for the cocktail party issues in the OP---the friends kids are getting older, leaving them with granparents or a sitter away from home, is not a big deal that it is when the kids are younger. You mentioned homework time so they are in school, and that leads to new connections for the Mom as well, and frankly it IS hard to maintain friendships that have no common grounds except eating, especially if one of you changes the way you eat!!!

I had a group of 3 of us who hung out together heavily for awhile. 2 of us were very heavy, the 3rd extremely thin. The thin friend was married for many years, although not happily, the heavy friend and I had both been married shorter times, and in all honesty spent more time hanging and "doing" things when we were both single. The heavy friend and her husband went and got banded first. For him it was immediate success, hers has been much slower. Then I went and got banded with good success.

The thin friend made it very clear she did not support HOW we were losing weight. She had no clue. She ate everything right along with us through the years, and was always rail thin. She simply had no clue what trying to lose weight was like.

Now years later, we are reduced to running into one another in stores, or at church! Jobs have changed, kids been married, grandbabies born, parents passed, business' started, economic issues------things changed. We touch base on the biggies. Have not ever seemed to blame one another for the distance....

I have my old friends who were there through that phase, and all the others. I have new friends that are in the same places I am now. And I have LBT for my band issues. I try not to let it rule my life. It is not for everyone, regardless of their weight.

Some relationships just don't last. There often is not a person or action at fault---things just change.

Maybe just look around, and see what is around you. If you are active now, look at the gym, or at events you frequent. Friendships will last better if you have common ground somewhere.

Younghippiechick, sometimes the 20's can be self centered times---and her age is posted on the side bar----but we all have to go through those times to get to where we are---you and I for instance---in our attitudes as well as our actual age. We learn. In everything we do. And sadly for the OP as well as the letter writer, even with goodbyes we learn.

[kellyodoran 12]

Kat, very sound advice you gave, shows some introspection on your part.

~Kelly~:wub:

[zeniada 9]

I recently lost a good friend and it wasnt even do to my lap band or losing weight...I think losing friends is sad no matter what caused it. IMHO.:wub:

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1.03.01

[Catherine55 43]

(Of course the passive aggressive hint was that if she dies due to obesity, that would be the MOST selfish act of all to her family.) {You know, I can't possibly be as valued as a mom of 2 LOL}

My advice is to hold back the passive aggressive comments and let things settle a bit. It sounds like you guys maybe had a few snarky conversations and need to either get back to being nice to and supportive of one another, or just move on and stop communicating.

I'm sure it's hard for your heavy friends to see you move toward goal and that they feel badly about themselves in comparison. Maybe you remind them of this just by looking better and being healthier, rather than through your words. It's a tough situation. From your post that I quoted from above, it sounds like you would do better with them if you stop talking to them about the band and weight. And, if they "food police" you at events, try ignoring them and not reacting. (The whole "You can eat THAT?!" thing is so obnoxious!!)

Good luck to you!

Catherine