Losing friends

[TracyNYC 4]

I have realized that since I have been banded in October 09, my 2 BF and I have hardly seen each other. First the one had a "no kids" cocktail part in November. This is significant b/c they never do ANYTHING w/o the kids. ( I am single and have no kids) so this is not a normal gathering. Then we saw each other in December and then not again until last week when we went out to dinner. Now, I have seen them at big functions like baptisms and family events and a few "tupperware" type parties, but not a 'girls get together'. We used to get together 1 or 2x a month. The one never really calls me, and I called her today and when we hung up she said, "well, it was nice talking to you". It is just very weird.

Their kids are in a zillion activities and I work full time and they don't, so my home hours (after school) are when they are busiest w/ HW and running around. If it wasn't for Facebook, I would rarely have contact with them.

Yes, they are both very overweight. We spoke about this before my surgery and the one friend knows someone who lost a lot of weight and said her friends dropped her. So, this is something we were all aware of.

One friend I know since I am about 8 and the other since 9th grade and we are all friends together. I know they get together w/o me when they do the husbands and kids thing which they have always done, but the few times I have suggested a get together, I get the vague "Oh yeah we have to do that."

Do I say something? Am I being over sensitive and making this all about me? Or is it one of those waves in a friendship where things are at a down point? IDK

Advice?

[illinoishusker 0]

People are very weird. It's like they aren't happy if you aren't suffering with them. lol

I think you have the right to be hurt and concerned about the friendship. I think I would plan a night and ask can they come. If not, maybe then talk to each one and voice your concerns.

I know it's not fun to make waves, but not knowing and just hoping it'll work isn't always the answer. Family stuff can get in the way, but they didn't invite you to a party? I'd be ticked.

I think I'd tell them that you miss them and are worried that something happened b/c we just aren't doing things anymore. Maybe they are jealous and not liking the new you? Are you talking about the lapband all the time?

I think being honest is hard like ripping a bandaid off, but asking them will get you an answer. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

[TracyNYC 4]

Thanks,

They did invite me to cocktail party, I just thought it was VERY strange to do this right after I get banded, when they NEVER do stuff like that.

I guess at some point I will have to bite the bullet and face it with them.

I try NOT to talk the band to death, but so much social stuff centers around food, so either I bring my own (which is attention getting) or have to ask what/where we are doing dinner. They will sometimes bring it up with the ever famous "You can eat THAT?" and then a discussion follows.

Thanks again.

[honk 780]

They did invite me to cocktail party, I just thought it was VERY strange to do this right after I get banded, when they NEVER do stuff like that.

Was there a reason for the timing of the party? My sister's "boyfriend' had a benchmark birthday 2 weeks after my surgery. I brought my own food no one noticed but I probably would'nt have gone if it had'nt been a special party. I could'nt ask them to chang the date to when I could eat solid food. Maybe the timing was just bad.

I try NOT to talk the band to death, but so much social stuff centers around food, so either I bring my own (which is attention getting) or have to ask what/where we are doing dinner. They will sometimes bring it up with the ever famous "You can eat THAT?" and then a discussion follows.

Since you are about a year out from surgery could you find one or two things you could eat at the party even if they aren't diet foods? I was on a very strick diet for 7 months prior to surgery and when I went to a party I would make the best choices I could and just shrug it off. I might have Protein shakes for Breakfast and lunch and then feel like I could eat higher calorie foods at dinner. Hummus and carrots are great for a party; high Protein and good fat with veggie.

[TracyNYC 4]

Since I am a year out, I will eat the "best" choice out of what is there. When socializing, I try to stick with the things least likely to be stuck over calorie/fat. That is when I get the "Eat That?" comments and then it opens up a discussion, etc. People are curious and I have been way too open w/ telling people.

The reason I told about the cocktail party is that it is soooo out of character for this friend to make plans purposely excluding her own kids and all the others. In the past (way past) when I have suggested hosting such a thing, I get the, " I need a sitter, why are you anti-kid, blah blah". I just found it ironic that 3 weeks after I have this procedure this was planned. Sort of a pre-holiday gathering.

Truthfully, I feel this surgery has just placed "one more difference" between us. I have a "career" and they have families instead. I am single, they are married for years, etc. I doubt it has anything to do with the "my husband will want you" problem others have had. (and believe me, I don't want them either LOL)

I really am at a loss as what to do. I hate the idea of a confrontation....but now I can't eat away the feelings either.

[missgypsy 1]

hmmm i've had similar things happen to me. not gotta beat around the bush but yep it hurts and it eats at you. sometimes i feel that they are jealous of us because we done something for ourselves and we basically took the bull by the horns and are losing weight. something they aren't doing. maybe the are insecure about themselves now that you are looking better then they are. i have a situation going on now and I don't know how to handle it either. i know i will see my 'friends' for a week-end in oct due to all of our hubby's work together and we all have to be at the function. one of the girls had gastric back about 10+ yrs ago and lost most of the weight and then gained it back. when i would bring up the band she gets all defensive and changes the subject. well i'm sorry she gained the weight back but thats not my fault or my problem either. if they have a prob with you and are going to treat you as an outcast for doing something for yourself and making yourself a better person then you don't need them in your life. as my step dad says don't let them rent space in your head. if it makes you feel better write them an open letter or email and tell them your feelings. you don't have to send it but if you do then they will know how you feel. if they get mad they get mad. you shouldn't worry your pretty little face over something that they aren't even giving a second thought about doing to you. hugs

[TracyNYC 4]

Thanks...I do think it is jealousy over taking control and NOT the weight loss, per se. One said she thought it would be selfish of her to put herself out of commission for a week and to limit their eating as she could NOT possibly cook 2 meals a night. I very nicely replied that I did not want to be out of commission permanently by having health probs as I got older, even if it is just ME who worries about it. (Of course the passive aggressive hint was that if she dies due to obesity, that would be the MOST selfish act of all to her family.) {You know, I can't possibly be as valued as a mom of 2 LOL}

[missgypsy 1]

i dont think people understand that sometimes it's life or death. might not be death at this moment but if you keep going the way you are then yes eventually you can and will die from being over weight. i'm a mom of two and my boys understand what i did and whats going on. i was out of commission for about a week but thats where hubby comes into play. it's a two way street. some people have every excuse in the book of why not to lose weight. lol i think i need to take my own advice on the friend thing. thanks for making me see that. :thumbup:

[nkl1201 0]

I was banded yesterday and I have found that I virtually have NO support from friends. My husband is wonderful, my father is skeptical (and doesn't really make the attempt to understand what I am going through), and the other few people that I have told (I did not go "public" with my decision) have listened patiently and rather kindly when I have mentioned anything about this. Unfortunately, there are a few others (one in particular) that are starting to distance themselves from me. A friend of mine (who happens to be much heavier than me), has all but stopped talking to me. She canceled our last "dinner" date together before I went on liquids (we would always do this several times a year and stay out for hours chatting afterwards), and now she rarely answers calls and texts back with other lame excuses about how busy she is. She never checked on me once to see how my struggles with the pre-op diet were going, and she did not call/text me yesterday to see how my surgery went. I am just really saddened that people cannot see beyond themselves and continue to be hostile to people they are supposedly close to just because they are insecure about themselves and are not willing to change. The lesson I get from this is to lead by example and always try to be the friend who is caring and there for others in their time of need, regardless of the crappy treatment I have received from other, bitter "friends".

[dreamskin 0]

All of the above is the exact reason why I have told nobody except my two daughters and 1 friend. I have a lot of other friends and I haven't told any of them! I haven't even told my partner, we live together but he is is a fly in/ fly out job and away for 9 days and home for 6. Me not telling him is hard to believe I know, but I have my reasons. People are strange and envious and I am just going to make up excuses and never tell them. I have told all of them that I had my gall bladder removed (The old Gall Bladder removal trick, eh, Maxwell Smart voice) and that I was going to start eating healthy. I really do think the fewer people you tell, the better, unfortunatly, some people judge, or get jealous and they can make life miserable. Just be yourself, I don't know how old you are but in my experience, sometimes friendships just run their course. You are the one responsible for your life, they have their's to live and your decisions are no-ones business but yours.

[nkl1201 0]

I actually decided to take the plunge and email my friend about my concerns. Here is an excerpt:

******************************************

It started with a greeting and some chit chat, then...

"So, I did complete the entire week of the liquid diet without cheating and lost just over 10lbs of Water weight etc., but it was hard-especially in the beginning. I am a bit sad that we were unable to meet up that one evening and catch up a bit. I had my surgery yesterday morning and it went great. I am in quite a bit of pain but I am managing. They also repaired a hiatal hernia (that I didn't know I had, though my surgeon said almost all patients have them and repairing them helps the band function better). Anyway, I know that you're really busy and all and probably forgot, but I am a bit saddened that I didn't hear from you at all. I have only told a few people that I trust, you being one of them. You've always been so good being non-judgemental with regards to my many ideas, changes, etc. and for that I am truly grateful. Even my dad forgot to call me or anything (but that's a whole other story lol!)

I really hope you don't think that just because I had weight loss surgery that I'm somehow going to try and preach to you or push you into doing anything. I'm still the same person, but I am just making some big changes (that I need for "me") right now and I would be very sad if others are somehow upset about my choice or think I will try and push it on them. This is far from the truth. Of course, since we both have discussed the weight struggle together you are more than willing to talk to me about it (if or when you feel like it), but you have my word that I will still try and be the best example of a friend I can be without any preachiness or stuff like that.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I really enjoy being your friend and I hope you feel the same about me.

Have a wonderful rest of the week and I wish loads of productivity your way!!"

Your friend,

Nora

*****************************

I am not the type of person who ever writes such a thing, but in this case I felt compelled to do so. I tried to do it in the nicest way possible (i.e start out friendly, insert complaint/issue, finish with more positive/nice/ things etc)-that way they don't finish reading what is really a rant and think worse of you for it!

[LapBandBobbi 8]

Sometimes friendships just tend to fade as people get busier in their own lives. Maybe it's not the weight loss surgery. Take a good look at what's been going on in their lives and try to put yourself in their position. Other than that, take the initiative and make some plans to do something with them. Good Luck!

[dreamskin 0]

Thats a good letter.

[kellyodoran 12]

People are very weird. It's like they aren't happy if you aren't suffering with them. lol

I think you have the right to be hurt and concerned about the friendship. I think I would plan a night and ask can they come. If not, maybe then talk to each one and voice your concerns.

I know it's not fun to make waves, but not knowing and just hoping it'll work isn't always the answer. Family stuff can get in the way, but they didn't invite you to a party? I'd be ticked.

I think I'd tell them that you miss them and are worried that something happened b/c we just aren't doing things anymore. Maybe they are jealous and not liking the new you? Are you talking about the lapband all the time?

I think being honest is hard like ripping a bandaid off, but asking them will get you an answer. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Lori, where did you find your name? It's purty!

[HappyMom 1]

I haven't told anyone (except husband) about my surgery. I just decided that I needed to do this for myself and didn't really want all of my family and friends opinions at the time. I am considering telling them sometime next year or so.

Even though I haven't told anyone about the surgery I still have some friends that aren't really there anymore since I have started to lose weight. I have tried to include them into my new activities....walking, hiking, etc. since the surgery but to no avail. The ones that I don't see or speak with much anymore also need to lose a bit of weight. I am not sure if they are mad because they see me losing weight and they miss my old ways. We used to get together at each others house and have dinner, or go out to dinner, or just eat in general.

Maybe it is me? Have I changed so much that they don't really want to hang out anymore? Maybe my 'new' outlook on life just doesn't jive with them anymore. I really wish that I could connect with them again. I can still eat out with them, or go over to each others house.....I just don't eat as much as I used to!