He needs to lose weight too but won't try...

[jingleboob 5]

My fiance is about 50 lbs overweight and has said several times that he hopes some of my weight loss will rub off on him too. He was looking at me over the weekend saying I'm melting away and pretty soon he would be the heaviest in the house. In fact he has already lost a lot since I started pre-op as I am not cooking or getting food for him. I did however lose it on him last week when he ordered a large pizza at 10pm. I know he has to eat, but we do have healthy foods and I offered to make him a turkey sandwich or some Pasta.< /p>

The thing that set me off was him saying "I've really got to lose weight, this gut is too much" while shaking his tummy, and then immediately ordered a pizza. I was furious and said "Have you see what I've gone through these past few weeks??? How hard this is and the pain I've had and you say you need to lose weight but order a pizza instead of DOING something about it?". He felt bad but ate the pizza. Makes me angry when he does these things because we both made the decision for the surgery together because we want to have kids (he's got 2 girls from his 1st marriage who we have half of the time). We both know it's not safe to get pregnant at 300 lbs, and we both want to be healthy parents together- it's our main reason for this surgery... but his dad had a heart attack at 50, and he is just like his dad and he has high cholesterol too so he's worried about a heart attack too... just as he doesn't want me to die in child birth and leave him alone, I don't want him to die from a heart attack and leave me alone. So I'm a little resentful that he's not taking his part of getting healthy seriously... especially in front of me like that. Still not sure how to handle it or how to get my feelings out in front of him.

He's a wonderful man and I love him to pieces so I don't mean to be bashing him here. He's supportive of me, but not of himself. I need him to get with it too!!! Any suggestions?

Also... I have developed this horrible crying issue lately- when I'm upset over something I literally can't talk about it without crying and I really hate it. I don't want to confront him crying over everything because that's just not fair. URRGH.

[BetsyB 9]

I need him to get with it too!!!

This is something you absolutely, positively cannot control. It's his issue, 100 percent. And that's why it's so frustrating--you know this already. You know that NOTHING made you lose weight until YOU were ready to lose weight. And nothing you do or say will influence him until he is ready.

Now you're in the right place, but he's not there yet. He may reach it, and he might not. You have to be willing to accept him either way. You love him, and want him to be healthy---but you have to accept that he may never choose that for himself. Can you accept him however he is?

As for the moodiness, crying, body fat is estrogenic; as we lose weight, our serum estrogen levels fluctuate, and that can contribute to the weepiness you describe. It's just one of those things--and it does taper off as you approach goal.

[vlp1968 83]

I agree with Betsy 100%. You cannot control what he decides to eat. Only he can do that. However, if he does take steps to get healthier you can be as supportive as anything.

I have an obese sister who a wish would do something about it. She has tried off and on but hasn't been able to stick to a plan. She mentioned weight watchers, and I was excited for her. I told her how healthy I think the program is and that the meetings are very helpfull. She hasn't mentioned it since.

We cannot control what others decide to put into there mouths, as much as we care about them. I agree with Betsy that you need to accept him just the way he is.

[PuppyBandit 2]

Hi, I'm not trying to be mean, but being the non banded person in a relationship is hard. I've been there. It is stressful on the relationship and you being food police will make it worse. If someone told you in the past to just not eat something, did it work? Ease up on your hubby, it's an adjustment for him too.

[honk 780]

To play devil's advocate. It's 10:00 at night your hungry and you just want to eat. No you're not in the mood for a chicken sandwich or Pasta with plain red sauce (I'm gonna guess it was a veggie sauce and not something with beef or sausage.). I know there are times when I am just not in the mood for a particular food. Sure there were probably better choices he could have made, like grilled chicken and veggie sandwich with no cheese. That can be a pretty healthy option at a pizza joint. I once asked for such a sandwich with lite cheese. The guy said "Well we normally put 3 slices of cheese (!!!) how many do you want?" Gasp. "Well" I said "how about one slice" (I was preband and able to eat bread). As my mother says "There's nothing worse than a reformed drinker, smoker, or fat person."

[jingleboob 5]

I wouldn't have gotten so mad had he not just finished saying he needed to eat healthy and lose weight... I'm not thrilled when he orders pizza and I have to smell it but the comment is what set me on fire. He also complains about how much my Protein Powder costs... $20 a tub, but one tub makes me Breakfast for almost a month. I've pointed that out before but it makes no difference. Then he'll spend $20 on one pizza for one meal and think nothing of it. I'm just angry with the double standard I guess. If you're going to complain about your gut and say you need to lose weight don't instantly follow it with a whole pizza. I also feel like I'm the only one doing my part in our agreement. WE decided for me to have this surgery... I NEVER would have done it if he hadn't thought it was the best thing, because he wants another child or two and wouldn't even think of trying at my current weight due to the risks. He didn't make me have the surgery, but he nudged me toward it. I'm glad he did. But he was supposed to be eating healthier and watching his cholesterol and doing what he needed to do too and he's not and I kind of feel like I was tricked into the whole thing when he does what he did. Again, I'm glad I had this surgery, but I went into it with him telling me he was going to be right with me and we were going to get healthy and lose weight together. Now I'm doing all of the work and watching him eat eat eat. I'm just frustrated...

[BeachBabe 0]

I don't think that being 50 pounds overweight is that much. You can not control him and should ease up on him. Focus on yourself and your weight loss. I still am shopping for food for my family and buying my husband's favorite foods. You can't expect him to lose weight just because you are.

Relax and leave him alone. He is not doing anything bad or wrong. We all know how weak food can make us.

[Cocoabean 430]

As to the crying...did you used to eat to calm yourself?

Now you don't have food to turn to, and that sucks!

I hope it all works out for you. Try to relax and remember, you are not the food police.

[honk 780]

If you both agreed to loose weight, lower cholesterol etc and he is not following through than I think that is a problem. I have to admit if I was only 50 pounds over weight I might not consider it that much of a problem. Keep in mind preband I had lost 84 pounds and post band an additional 11. I will need to loose another 70 to get to only being 50 pounds overweight. So my view is a bit jaded admittedly.

I do think though that I would not agree to having a baby when I reached goal if he is not willing to live a healthier lifestyle. I lost my father when I was ten, he was only 56. My dad died having a year of sick time in the bank at work; yet he had a massive heart attack one Sunday and was dead within minutes. So I know what it's like to grow up without a dad.

[Bryn 3]

wow, i'm sorry you are going through this as well as your hubby. my bf is a tad overweight, but in the position where he could lose it with in months of just exercising alone. he agreed to hop on the bandwagon now that i'm going through with this. i hope he sticks with it because i want him to be healthy as well

but like the others mentioned, i'm sure it's hard on your hubby because he sees the change in you, and not in himself as much. just gotta be supportive and it'll hit him and he'll step into action

[BetsyB 9]

Knowing that he pressured you to have surgery with promises to care for himself properly---and that he's now giving you a hard time for things like Protein powder--puts a bit of a different spin on it, for sure. I understand your unhappiness--I really do.

But no matter what, his weight loss ball is in his own court.

Sometimes we learn who people really are the hard way--I hope this is not the case for you; I hope that your husband steps up to the plate and does what he needs to do, and you find that he's just another guy struggling with his own demons rather than someone who manipulates to get what he wants from others, without doing what he needs to do for himself (and his relationship--not that weight is a relationship issue, but coercing you to have a procedure you didn't really want? that's definitely a relationship issue).

[2beskinny 4]

I think the best medicine for your hubs will be to see you losing the weight and getting healthy. It's all you can do anyway, because I'm sure you already know that no one can make you lose weight - it is an intensely personal decision and everyone brings something different to the table with their individual issues. Just focus on yourself and try not to let it get to you too bad. It's not something you can control and trying to will only increase your frustration! Him seeing your weight loss, being out together and having friends comment on your transformation will certainly encourage him! Just make sure he does not develop a "chip" on his shoulder about it from you trying to make him lose when he's not there yet. I think that's your best option at this point, as frustrating as it is!

[honk 780]

Your statement that he laments the cost of your Protein powder made me chuckle. My mother came to stay the week after my surgery. On day eight I could move to smooth Soup. I discovered I really like Pacific Tomato and Sweet Red Pepper Soup. I like that it comes in a box and has a pouring spout and I like the flavor. My mother commented "Boy this is a very expense diet you have to be on!" Well the container is about 2 1/2 servings and costs $2.50. Yes it's more expensive than some brands but this is the only food I'm eating so I may as well enjoy it. Comparing .82 lunch to even $5.00 Grilled chicken breast at fast food place does'nt seem that bad!

[jingleboob 5]

We had a heart to heart last night about all of this. I told him how frustrated I've been, and acknowledged it's a HUGE change for both of us... that we centered so much of our social time around eating and going out for food and it's going to be hard at first. He said he is frustrated with himself for not trying harder and we decided he would ease his way into eating healthier over the next couple of weeks until I'm onto the "real food" stage and start cooking again. Then I'll make healthy meals and Snacks for him and we'll both be on track. I also asked him to go get his physical and cholesterol checked again as it's been over a year so we can know what his goals should be. It was a good talk. I told him I couldn't force him to do it, but it was important to me that we both become healthy people together and he agreed with that. I said I would need encouragement a lot from him and would love to be there to give it back to him when he needed it. That I needed him to stop enabling me when I "want" crap to eat as I wouldn't be encouraging him to "just go get mcdonalds" anymore either.

I don't think I would have been able to have a nice, calm, rational chat about this with him if I hadn't vented here first! Thanks for all the feedback!

[vlp1968 83]

I am so glad to read you had a good talk. Sounds like you are in a much better place now. Keep us posted on how it goes. Good luck!