female only In need of some "guy" advice

[SippNSotaGirl 1]

Hi everyone,

I don't post much on the site, but I need to vent and rant for just a second. I'm devastated because I finally worked up the nerves to ask this cute guy at work if he wanted to go to lunch, and he replied that today wouldn't work because he was really busy. I know there's an upgrade going on this weekend, so he was legitimately busy, but this is what gets me. He didn't say "maybe some other time" or "I'll take a raincheck" or anything like that. Simply "Sorry, today won't work". Am I over-reacting? I feel like such an idiot for even asking.

I should have prefaced this with we don't really work together. We used to be on the same team, but I just got moved to a different floor because my work is more suited to another team.

In my mind, his reply pretty much equals flat-out rejection because if he were remotely interested he would have offered some sort of alternative. And to make it less awkward, I told him if he could feel free to invite anyone else who may have wanted to tag along.

Help me with this!! I don't want to be a basket case or drama queen, but I'm 33 and SO lonely. When I finally decide to be a little more assertive in going after I want, this is what I get. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't know where to go to even find potentials.

What are your thoughts? I feel like such a high-schooler with a stupid teenage crush, and I have no idea where to go from here.

Thanks for listening!

PS - one small "victory" is that even though I feel like crap, I haven't turned to food for comfort!!

[Fluffy_Gurl 3]

First of all....always remember that BOYS ARE DUMB! It doesnt matter how old they are etc...they are always boys. Secondly, there are so many guys out there that you shouldnt worry about the one who may not have wanted to have lunch, maybe hes recently started to see someone etc... Nevertake it personally. The best advice I can give is to do things that make you happy, get involved in something that you enjoy outside of work. when your happy and not looking the right one will fall right into your lap. And stop stressing about that guy. Why would you want to be with a guy who isnt polite enough to say maybe another time...or something similar. YOU are worth someone who is interested in you for everything that you are! So I guess what I am saying is never settle for the guy who isnt going to be everything you deserve!!! Find ways to spend tmie with others who may not be of the opposite sex and form some friendshps. That takes care of being lonely. lonely sometimes leads to bad choices in mates.

[SippNSotaGirl 1]

Thanks for your reply! You gave some really good advice. I have to figure out a way to apply it. I need to find a hobby or something, but honestly, I don't even know what interests me. I've just enrolled in an MBA program because I have no idea what else to do with myself. It's an online program, so there's no chance of picking up a cute guy there!

Anywho, the guy said he didn't have a girlfriend. (We have these discussions at happy hour.) I don't know what gives, but I'm SO tired of always being the last girl picked, if picked at all.

My "friends" (who, by the way, have NO idea what it's like to be the undateable fat girl although they swear they know EXACTLY how I feel!) assure me it's not me, it's the guys. But after getting the same thing from, say a BILLION, different guys, I'm pretty sure it's me.

I thought it would be a little different after starting to lose weight, having more energy blah blah blah, but it's not. I'm just so sick of it all.

Oh well ... Thanks again for listening.

[The Fireman 1]

Hi everyone,

I don't post much on the site, but I need to vent and rant for just a second. I'm devastated because I finally worked up the nerves to ask this cute guy at work if he wanted to go to lunch, and he replied that today wouldn't work because he was really busy. I know there's an upgrade going on this weekend, so he was legitimately busy, but this is what gets me. He didn't say "maybe some other time" or "I'll take a raincheck" or anything like that. Simply "Sorry, today won't work". Am I over-reacting? I feel like such an idiot for even asking.

I should have prefaced this with we don't really work together. We used to be on the same team, but I just got moved to a different floor because my work is more suited to another team.

In my mind, his reply pretty much equals flat-out rejection because if he were remotely interested he would have offered some sort of alternative. And to make it less awkward, I told him if he could feel free to invite anyone else who may have wanted to tag along.

Help me with this!! I don't want to be a basket case or drama queen, but I'm 33 and SO lonely. When I finally decide to be a little more assertive in going after I want, this is what I get. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't know where to go to even find potentials.

What are your thoughts? I feel like such a high-schooler with a stupid teenage crush, and I have no idea where to go from here.

Thanks for listening!

PS - one small "victory" is that even though I feel like crap, I haven't turned to food for comfort!!

Hang in there when its right you will know it.And,for the record I would love to take you to lunch and I would even pay,how 'bout that?But, as Im 1300 miles away and almost twice your age,I guess You will have to continue the search,something will happen I promise.

[1LE4ME 0]

I recently have been banded and am still weary about asking out women, and also get rejected a lot. I still think that it's important to focus on youself first and a partner will come sometime. Once you're fully healthy the guy will probably be asking you out and you'll be able to tell him that you're too busy that day. Good luck in your weight loss and search for love.

[SippNSotaGirl 1]

Fireman, you are too kind. Thanks for the pep talk!

And thanks to you, too, 1LE4ME, for the advice and encouragement!

[LeighaMason 19]

Hey Toni, Do you do any volunteer work? If you are interested in meeting unselfish guys that might be the thing for you. Most cities have a web site or organization that lists volunteering opportunities.

[plain 12]

Heres the thing: Is it possible that he misinterpreted your feelings? If you've worked together before, then he might still think y'all are on "buddy" terms; Hence, the terse answer. If he legitimately thought your offer was work-related, then it's possible that he thought the offer was a just-for-today-one-time-only-right-now thing. Just a thought.

In your mind, you thought your intentions were crystal clear, but from a dude's perspective, not really. Cybele is right.....we boys ARE dumb. BUT.....you made the offer during work hours and even said he could invite somebody else. That doesn't scream "I'm interested in you" to me.

Good hunting!!

[SippNSotaGirl 1]

LeighaMason, I do volunteer. However, it's with Big Brother / Big Sister and Meals-On-Wheels. With BB/BS, I only really have contact with my "sister", and with MOW, well mostly female former co-workers and geriatrics. AND since I just started my MBA program, I really don't have a lot of time to take on new activities.

Plain, thanks for making me laugh and for giving me the male perspective. That's exactly what I was hoping to get. So here's the deal. I've been at this company since April, and we were on the same team when I started. (I didn't know him beforehand.) We never really worked on the same projects, which is why I got moved to the different area. So ... if I didn't make myself abundantly clear, how do I do that? I'm guessing I can't do the lunch thing again? Or should I just leave it alone? Now that we're not on the same team, the only time I'd get to see him is at happy hour. :-(

[plain 12]

So ... if I didn't make myself abundantly clear, how do I do that? I'm guessing I can't do the lunch thing again? Or should I just leave it alone? Now that we're not on the same team, the only time I'd get to see him is at happy hour. :-(

What I would do (if the tables were turned) is ask "Would you like to go and do something after work?" Most dudes need direct. And by direct, I mean super-direct, bordering on blunt. It's a scary thing to do, and there is always the risk of rejection......but ya never know if ya never try, right? I'm sure a super-schmart gal like yourself can mentally plot her chances on a risk / reward curve .

[SippNSotaGirl 1]

Plain,

I'm trying to "work" your advice, and I'm running into an issue. Now the thing is, since I'm in a new area, I never see him. Is it EVER appropriate to send an email of that nature, or does it have to be face-to-face? I don't know how/when I'll see him next, and I don't want too much time to go by. I'm not sure what my next move should be.

Let me provide some background and say this is all SO new to me. I grew up in a VERY strict household, so I'm probably not up-to-speed on a lot of the whole dating game. :-(

[plain 12]

Maybe I'm old-school on the whole romance subject (in fact, I know I am), but I would avoid an email. Personally, if I'm going out on a limb like that, I need to have eye contact and be able to read body language......but keep in mind that my marriage crashed and burned in January, so perhaps I'm not the appropriate giver of "love advice".

IDK how large your company is, or how feasable it would be, but couldn't you find some excuse to stroll down to where this dude is? Keep it light and just spring it. It's not like you're asking for his hand in marriage, heehee....

[NYsLegend78 29]

Hey SippnSotagirl. I was wondering how it turned out? Did you do what plain suggested?

[plain 12]

Hey SippnSotagirl. I was wondering how it turned out? Did you do what plain suggested?

I was wondering the same thing, Legend. Don't leave us hangin' Sota!

[SippNSotaGirl 1]

Sorry to leave you hanging, guys! It's not the best news, but here it is anyway. I haven't tried EXACTLY what Plain said to try. Here's the reason. I was told (by some of my friends) that email would be inappropriate (especially at work, and what if he's a jerk and then there's a paper trail). I rarely see him now, and when I do there's always other people around. BUT, and I think this is a measure of progress, even if it's a LITTLE progress, I have had some general conversations with him, which is way more than I'd had at first.

Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally!) we've been popping up at the same places at the same time at work. We've been in the cafeteria a few times, and he "just so happens" to end up in line next to me. And we've been leaving work around the same time, too, but never where I can really "hit 'im up". I don't want to read too much into that, though. So maybe it's SOME progress??

So from a guy's perspective (I know what my friends said), do I have to wait for a face-to-face? If not, what's the best approach? I feel like such a wuss. :thumbup: Thanks!!