just wanted to share this with all of u..an e-mail i sent my dad...and yes i'm single

[justrite8142 1]

i'm going to call u soon...i just wanted to tell u how i've been feeling...i'm lost...i was miserable fat and now i'm miserable thin..i've become selfish...self-centered...angry...and i have a huge chip on my shoulder...and yes...i'm still a good mom and take care of ty that will never change...itz my fault and i take responsibility for letting my image get to my head...i've been on both sides of the fence and at this point i don't know which is worse...i want to b in the middle...but i can't find it...i went from the bottom 2 the top quickly...almost like becoming famous...i don't hate my body...in the begining i did it to please society...now i enjoy eating healthy...exercising and i've taken up weight lifting as a hobby...but i hate the attention...i hate being pretty..on the weekendz i go out without makeup on and wear a hat to cover my face...its non-stop...men look at like their hungry...i don't show my body off anywhere...i don't know who to trust..i dont know who likes me 4 me...i was dating an ex-professional athlete...i was in the spotlight...i loved it...now i'm suffering the consequences of being in the spot-light...i'm not use to the attention...didn't know how to handle it...still don't ....so now i just hide from it...i completely seperated my self from "her"....(the fat girl)...i killed "her"....i hated "her"...i am "her"...i am building a relationship with her...i have to learn to love her...because her is me...i'm just in a smaller body...i pushed every1 away...it was my turn...i was the super bad beauty...went thru an aneroxic/belimic stage...over exercised myself...started taking laxatives...never threw up on purpose...took so many laxatives my intestines burned...i was gray...i looked like death...i was killing myself to b thin...i stopped...that was selfish to do to ty...to jeporadize my life to b thin...i almost feel like these r surgicial eating disorders...even if u take care of urself and don't over do it like i did...ur not healthy...ur mal-nourished......the doctors tell u its normal to lose ur hair...its normal to throw up if u eat too fast...dont chew well enuff...or drink after u eat...does that sound normal to u???yes those r side effects...but those aren't nomal eating habits...if i don't take Iron pills...my legs bruise...like i've been in a car accident...there is a trade-off...fat and unhealthy...thin and unhealthy..society is cruel and its real cruel to fat girls/women...i've lost friends...bcuz i've become a threat..its hard for me to date...bcuz its assumed i'm going to cheat..so far this has been a lose-lose situation 4 me...do i regret it...no ....do i regret how i handled the change and attention...yes..do i take full responsibility for the monster i've become...yes...do i want to go back to being un-known...yes...am i taking steps to do so...yes...i haven't lost being responsible..but i lost my mind to an extent...i've been offered clothes...shoes...credit cards...vacations the whole 9 for a piece of ass...i never have and never will trade myself for sex...that is disgusting in my opinion..i don't sleep around at all...right now i'm broken hearted over the athelete...don't know if he liked my person or the way i looked...i became shallow too...i would only date the best looking dudes with the nicest bodies...but when i do start to date again...i'm going to look at the person...i want my person looked at...i'm not a bad person...just a lost person...my surgery got exposed in a cruel way...i kept it a secret...i wouldnt tell the guy i was dating what the scars were from...why he never saw me eat...u really can't tell from my body anymore...i lift a lot...and i'm muscular now...the body for me was easy to fix...the mind has been a struggle...

[waynooo 1]

I dont know what to say besides that there is a huge Mental side to weight loss. You have touched it and tackled it. The start is to identify it, then to heal from it, then to let it go. You sound like a very strong women you can handle it just as you did with the physical side to it. Good luck!

[justrite8142 1]

i had to go 2 a pysch...b4 my surgery...like i'm sure u did...and here is this 100 pound women sitting in front of me...asking routine questions...that probably never had an issue with her own weight...she said there would b negative attention i would recieve...there was no way i was going to believe that...i was going to b thin and all my problems would b solved....hahahaha...jokes on me...i get picture comments...that of course i appreciate but at the sametime...i want people to know the excitement wears off...then ur just "u"...i was starting to feel better...then i got in2 a relationship...he brought "her" out...the weak...low self-esteem over-weight girl...that didnt deserve to b treated good...bcuz she was a "fat girl"...the girl that had to settle...i thought she was gone????but she is me...and i am her...and that is where the problem lays... i've asked those close to me to stop calling me beautiful...sexy ...pretty...i'm "just rite" and its that simple...btw congratz on ur loss!!!!!

[waynooo 1]

You will be just fine. Sounds like you have already began to heal. Thanks for the kind words on my weight loss. I still have a long way to go.

[Gorda123 2]

do what you NEED to do to be happy with your self and a good mother to your son. That is the most important thing! I set out to loose 100lbs.. this after it took me over 10 years to gain it....so now that i have only lost 40lbs in almost one year it seems like i have failed. BUt i have to remind myself that i am doing it slowly and safely and now i feel healthier that i have in years. I remember when i weighed 170lbs i was considered the big one, since everyone else in my family had no weight issues....so now that i am obese my family really have not been able to understand why it is taking my time to loose it.

You need to sort out who you want to be in your head, just because you used to be the "fat girl" before did not make u any less worthy.... you deserve the best and give yourself credit for seeing your errors and fixing them/ That takes courage.

Best of luck to you.

you are strong and dare i say beautiful!!!

[justrite8142 1]

lol...thank u...i would now consider losing slow and healthy the "right way"....whatever way u choose...is the right one..my new motto..."if u like it...i love it"....and thank u for ur support...

[ddgalarza 0]

Dam girl you have been through it. I am glad to see you back on here. I read the post about your split and I know that must have been diffiucult. You look amazing and you are in my thougths and prayers that you will feel that way, You deserve it. Take care.

[RyanTheGirl 1]

I went to my psych appointment last week... and I have worked in the mental health unit of the hospital here where I live for a few years...

I have often wondered if the way you are currently feeling will end up the way I will feel later- after I am banded and after I work to become the girl I "always wanted to be"--

As the therapist pointed out to me during my psych eval last week-- those of us who have been over weight, especially starting early in life, have turned ourselves into "people pleasers". Teaching ourselves to believe that we have to have an added "special something" to make people feel the same about us as they feel about "normal sized" people- that we aren't good enough unless we are constantly pleasing others... She then talked with me about my issues with certain people in my life (example- my father, who was constantly verbally abusive because of my weight when i was younger) and told me that once I start becoming thin, my passive-agressive side will fade away, and I will be come more assertive and become less likely to worry about pleasing others. Asked me if I was prepared to cut all ties with my father because the fact is he was there constantly putting me down, making me feel unloved-- and when I become thin, I will probably treat him as if he is the one who is not good enough for me...

So yes, I am scared-- scared of dealing with those emotions. But I honestly believe that facing those demons are a part of healing-- emotionally and physically. You are a stronger person than you give yourself credit for. You must allow yourself to fall down-- and when you do, remind yourself that you are strong enough to pick yourself back up!!!