an e-mail i wrote my dad...just wanted to share it with all of u...

[justrite8142 1]

i'm going to call u soon...i just wanted to tell u how i've been feeling...i'm lost...i was miserable fat and now i'm miserable thin..i've become selfish...self-centered...angry...and i have a huge chip on my shoulder...and yes...i'm still a good mom and take care of ty that will never change...itz my fault and i take responsibility for letting my image get to my head...i've been on both sides of the fence and at this point i don't know which is worse...i want to b in the middle...but i can't find it...i went from the bottom 2 the top quickly...almost like becoming famous...i don't hate my body...in the begining i did it to please society...now i enjoy eating healthy...exercising and i've taken up weight lifting as a hobby...but i hate the attention...i hate being pretty..on the weekendz i go out without makeup on and wear a hat to cover my face...its non-stop...men look at like their hungry...i don't show my body off anywhere...i don't know who to trust..i dont know who likes me 4 me...i was dating an ex-professional athlete...i was in the spotlight...i loved it...now i'm suffering the consequences of being in the spot-light...i'm not use to the attention...didn't know how to handle it...still don't ....so now i just hide from it...i completely seperated my self from "her"....(the fat girl)...i killed "her"....i hated "her"...i am "her"...i am building a relationship with her...i have to learn to love her...because her is me...i'm just in a smaller body...i pushed every1 away...it was my turn...i was the super bad beauty...went thru an aneroxic/belimic stage...over exercised myself...started taking laxatives...never threw up on purpose...took so many laxatives my intestines burned...i was gray...i looked like death...i was killing myself to b thin...i stopped...that was selfish to do to ty...to jeporadize my life to b thin...i almost feel like these r surgicial eating disorders...even if u take care of urself and don't over do it like i did...ur not healthy...ur mal-nourished......the doctors tell u its normal to lose ur hair...its normal to throw up if u eat too fast...dont chew well enuff...or drink after u eat...does that sound normal to u???yes those r side effects...but those aren't nomal eating habits...if i don't take Iron pills...my legs bruise...like i've been in a car accident...there is a trade-off...fat and unhealthy...thin and unhealthy..society is cruel and its real cruel to fat girls/women...i've lost friends...bcuz i've become a threat..its hard for me to date...bcuz its assumed i'm going to cheat..so far this has been a lose-lose situation 4 me...do i regret it...no ....do i regret how i handled the change and attention...yes..do i take full responsibility for the monster i've become...yes...do i want to go back to being un-known...yes...am i taking steps to do so...yes...i haven't lost being responsible..but i lost my mind to an extent...i've been offered clothes...shoes...credit cards...vacations the whole 9 for a piece of ass...i never have and never will trade myself for sex...that is disgusting in my opinion..i don't sleep around at all...right now i'm broken hearted over the athelete...don't know if he liked my person or the way i looked...i became shallow too...i would only date the best looking dudes with the nicest bodies...but when i do start to date again...i'm going to look at the person...i want my person looked at...i'm not a bad person...just a lost person...my surgery got exposed in a cruel way...i kept it a secret...i wouldnt tell the guy i was dating what the scars were from...why he never saw me eat...u really can't tell from my body anymore...i lift a lot...and i'm muscular now...the body for me was easy to fix...the mind has been a struggle...

[sabrina4you 17]

WOW! Thank you for sharing and being real. I don't think we all realize that there are so many aspects to WLS, the good, the bad, the ugly and all of the in between. I would always go to your page because you are a total inspiration! You still are. Being open and honest just shows that you are a real person. Good Luck Girl

[justrite8142 1]

thank u...starting the healing process again...but this time...i'm going to b me...just plain ol' carolann...just the girl that went from big to small...

[ronay19 0]

hi...I am very glad u shared that with us because i have my moment when I try to lose my weight the unhealthy way...because I wanted to be skinny so bad...I have now had a long look at myself and is now trying to let go and love the person I have become and the person I once was

[justrite8142 1]

UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS HAPPENING to a lot of weight loss surgery patients...i had to attend an out-patient support group 4aneroxics and bulemics..my family was threatning to send me away 4 treatment...its a secret that hasn't been made public yet...it will take a few of us to die b4 any1 puts a stop to it...girls drinking right after they eat to vomit...over exercising...laxatives...sucidial thoughts if they havent lost enuff or gained some weight back...they call it a surgical eating dis-order...

[BetsyB 9]

there is a trade-off...fat and unhealthy...thin and unhealthy...

You're right, for some people, WLS creates a surgical monster--a doctor-mediated eating disorder.

But it sounds as though you're realizing that this does not have to be the case. That you can be banded and healthy---thin and healthy.

You can be thin and healthy. I'm glad you're getting the tools for that.

It sounds like it's been a scary process for you, though. I'm sorry for your pain.

[justrite8142 1]

thank u betsy...i checked back in 2 an out patient treatment center...although i've stopped using laxatives...i still battle within myself constantly about eating...i lift weights a lot and my body is constantly hungry...i deprive it of food...food is my enemy...i'm scared of it...there is something still wrong and i need to get to the root of the problem...i'm not bad mouthing my band...i love it...but i think the after care needs to b taken a lil more seriously...i wasnt allowed to go to my surgeons support meetings bcuz i had to have my surgery at a center of excellence in order for my insurance to cover it...therefore the hospital where the support group meetings were held..would not allow my to attend bcuz thats not where my surgery was performed....