use to be on here as "2flyguys"

[justrite8142 1]

for those that don't know me...i had my surgery on 10/06/2008...i started at 296...i'm down to 165...have gotten my weight down to 152 in a very un-healthy way..165 is my bodies happy weight...around that time of the month i may go to 168..some weeks i'm in the low 160's...i lost 136 pounds in 11 months...and have had a mini tummy tuck...the muscles that are shown in my pics are not from plastic surgery...a Tummy Tuck does not shape ur abs...an arm tuck...does not give u muscle...any type of leg tuck...doesnt build muscle as well...for those that do know me...where have i been???????...here is a letter i wrote my dad this morning:

i'm going to call u soon...i just wanted to tell u how i've been feeling...i'm lost...i was miserable fat and now i'm miserable thin..i've become selfish...self-centered...angry...and i have a huge chip on my shoulder...and yes...i'm still a good mom and take care of ty that will never change...itz my fault and i take responsibility for letting my image get to my head...i've been on both sides of the fence and at this point i don't know which is worse...i want to b in the middle...but i can't find it...i went from the bottom 2 the top quickly...almost like becoming famous...i don't hate my body...in the begining i did it to please society...now i enjoy eating healthy...exercising and i've taken up weight lifting as a hobby...but i hate the attention...i hate being pretty..on the weekendz i go out without makeup on and wear a hat to cover my face...its non-stop...men look at like their hungry...i don't show my body off anywhere...i don't know who to trust..i dont know who likes me 4 me...i was dating an ex-professional athlete...i was in the spotlight...i loved it...now i'm suffering the consequences of being in the spot-light...i'm not use to the attention...didn't know how to handle it...still don't ....so now i just hide from it...i completely seperated my self from "her"....(the fat girl)...i killed "her"....i hated "her"...i am "her"...i am building a relationship with her...i have to learn to love her...because her is me...i'm just in a smaller body...i pushed every1 away...it was my turn...i was the super bad beauty...went thru an aneroxic/belimic stage...over exercised myself...started taking laxatives...never threw up on purpose...took so many laxatives my intestines burned...i was gray...i looked like death...i was killing myself to b thin...i stopped...that was selfish to do to ty...to jeporadize my life to b thin...i almost feel like these r surgicial eating disorders...even if u take care of urself and don't over do it like i did...ur not healthy...ur mal-nourished......the doctors tell u its normal to lose ur hair...its normal to throw up if u eat too fast...dont chew well enuff...or drink after u eat...does that sound normal to u???yes those r side effects...but those aren't nomal eating habits...if i don't take Iron pills...my legs bruise...like i've been in a car accident...there is a trade-off...fat and unhealthy...thin and unhealthy..society is cruel and its real cruel to fat girls/women...i've lost friends...bcuz i've become a threat..its hard for me to date...bcuz its assumed i'm going to cheat..so far this has been a lose-lose situation 4 me...do i regret it...no ....do i regret how i handled the change and attention...yes..do i take full responsibility for the monster i've become...yes...do i want to go back to being un-known...yes...am i taking steps to do so...yes...i haven't lost being responsible..but i lost my mind to an extent...i've been offered clothes...shoes...credit cards...vacations the whole 9 for a piece of ass...i never have and never will trade myself for sex...that is disgusting in my opinion..i don't sleep around at all...right now i'm broken hearted over the athelete...don't know if he liked my person or the way i looked...i became shallow too...i would only date the best looking dudes with the nicest bodies...but when i do start to date again...i'm going to look at the person...i want my person looked at...i'm not a bad person...just a lost person...my surgery got exposed in a cruel way...i kept it a secret...i wouldnt tell the guy i was dating what the scars were from...why he never saw me eat...u really can't tell from my body anymore...i lift a lot...and i'm muscular now...the body for me was easy to fix...the mind has been a struggle...

[JoanieP 2]

:cursing: I hope you can find the middle...so sorry for all that's happened to you, but it sounds like you are on the right track now! Good luck!

[sourmissg 0]

justrite8142, I would just like to say, take one day at a time.

You will see happy times again.

[Nessapuddin71 5]

I am pre lap band surgery. I asked my boyfriend for support when I decided to take this step in my life. He stated he was afraid I would change. That the attention who overwhelm and change me. I believed that my outside did not shape my inside, but your letter sounds exactly like what he said. No one ever talks about the bad changes you could experience and not being ready for the different light in which the world will view you. I hope that things are going well for you now. I hope there is someone in your life who can help keep you grounded and enjoy all the your blessings. I hope, I am able to keep in contact with you. Maybe you helping to keep someone else grounded will help you continue to heal.

[REALIZEinCT 0]

Glad you're back and getting a handle on the mental aspect. It is true that much comes to the surface that has to be dealt with...all the stuff that was buried beneath the layers of fat. May I suggest talking to a professional therapist? It would probably be very helpful if you're not doing so already. Keep us posted on your status :rolleyes2:

[notateechanow 7]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I think we all do/have in our own way---some of us more obviously than others. I remember how different dating was after losing 100+ pounds. In fact, many of the men on an on-line dating site who didn't want anything to do with me 5 or 6 years ago (Yes, were STILL single and on the site years later...) suddenly wanted to go out with me. I still have pictures of my "old" self. I worked so hard to be where I am today, and though I fully intend to follow the plastic surgery route as well, I never forget who I was.....because a few bad months, ignoring my health and my battle and I can be right back there. More importantly, it keeps me grounded. People will always judge you based on your physical self. It's the first impression you make. Coming to terms with the old/new self is a challenge. I'm not nearly as attractive as you and didn't go through as big of a transformation as I'm still trying to lose the last 30....but I know how different it is to have people notice you. I never realized how invisible I was when I was over 300 pounds. I hope you'll continue to rely on people here, on the site---people who have gone through the same experience, and people who relate to what you've done. I also agree with the above poster---get some help. Realistically, we weren't morbidly obese simply because we liked to eat. Those demons don't just disappear. Good luck. I think acknowledging your loneliness and frustration with the transformation is the first step to being able to act on it. :rolleyes2:

[comtemplating 0]

Hey- I was wondering what happened to you. I am 100 percent positive that what you are experiencing is normal- this has been a life changing experience for you to say the least. You appear to have incredible insight pretty quickly into this entire process! I think it would be safe to assume that a great majority of us have an addictive personality- so to go to the extreme both ways, whether heavy or thin, is really likely. I remember when signing up for this experience I was asked if I had any history with anorexia/bulemia. My guess is that they ask this because it is a potential for anyone that loses a large amount of weight in conjunction with the addictive personality and poor coping skills we are likely to all share. It is really interesting (and common with poor self esteem issues) to hear you describe how you are not liking the attention you are receiving because of your new looks- it is not uncommon for people to be purposefully heavy to protect themselves from any attention. I get the feeling that you are "coming clean"? You don't owe anything to us but I truely appreciate the honesty as your post will be very helpful for many of us who are not yet at our "goal"- you can be a great teacher/example for the rest of us. With that said- I envy your honesty with your father- I am sure he is proud of you- I think you would find it very beneficial to speak with a therapist. Only the best to you.

[danide 0]

It sounds like you made a huge lifestyle and body change but your psychie couldn't keep up. It has to be difficult going from 0 to 100 in 15 seconds. Sounds like you are aware of whats going on with you which is a great start, now its learning how to manage all of that.

Thank you for sharing your story. Its probably very real for many people here.

I personally haven't started my journey yet but hearing peoples stories is going to help me mentally prepare, not only physically.

I don't know if you go to therapy or support groups already but as a clinical social worker, I strongly recommend starting individual therapy/counseling. Counseling will help you gain a better perspective of your situation without judgement. You will receive guidence and tools to help for find your middle ground. You will have undivided attention from a person who will help you become a healthier you- mentally. The therapist wont care if youre skinny or fat, musular or flabby, popular or low key, pretty or ugly. They won't care who you dated or didn't, who gives you attention or doesn't... They are there for you how ever you want them to be.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Justrite...first, thank you for sharing your story - it's important that we hear both sides of the story, and know that because we lost the weight, it doesn't necessarily mean our head issues will be gone as well.

I feel ya - I've literally lost half my self (clothing size wise - down from a 24 to a 12) and still have some of the old 'head' issues I was dealing with before.

I pray you are able to find a counselor or coach to help you with these issues, and that you find your way to 'middle ground' and a happy, healthy life.

Please take good care of yourself and know that you are NOT a bad person - you've just been through a bad time...:wub:

[justrite8142 1]

thank u all soooooooooo much for ur support...i've decided to go back in2 out-patient treatment...u all hit the nail on the head...i did not deal with my issues of low self esteem and many other issues when i was over-weight...and they came back to haunt me big time...

[peprmentpati 8]

Wow. Thanks for being so candid and sharing the other side. I'm glad you decided to seek out treatment. I've been seeing a therapist for about three years now. I've been extremely overweight, when I started therapy, then I lost weight (pretty much by starving and or bingeing and purging) and then I regained the weight. I felt so ashamed that I stopped go to therapy for about 6 months as I started to regain all of my weight and then some. I started with a new therapist last July (2009) and go about every 3 weeks. It makes a HUGE difference! I was banded in May of 2010 and so I'm new to being banded but not new to losing weight. I want my band to help me reach goal and live a healthy life and so far it has been a great asset. I thank God for that! I'm working on all of my self esteem issues as well. I just said the other day that I better start digging all the issues out and deal with them now rather than later. I especially have issues with men (terrible father) so I'm putting myself out there to allow myself to feel different, well, feelings. Good Luck with your healing my dear.

God Bless,

Rebecca

[Sooz 0]

I keep coming back to this thread and had no intentions of replying since I haven't even been banded yet. I have, however, lost significant poundage at certain times in my life, and have wrestled with the emotional baggage that comes with being an acceptable size (for short periods) as well as a fatty.

I don't think I've ever reconciled all that. I was the exact same person inside with maybe a tiny bit more of self-confidence, yet people treated me differently. It was fun while it lasted, but regaining the weight was that much more depressing. I wish I got some sort of counseling then. Yoyo'd up and down ever since.

I've searched for years for an easier way... hoping for the silver bullet of weight loss. I am glad that the lap band isn't being touted as "all that". And I'm sorry the psych eval is just (seemingly) a tool as well, to save surgeons from liability suits.

At 55 I don't have to worry about impressing men or anyone else. Yeah, there is still that "inner child" and all the childhood hurts, but that's life I suppose. I am doing this for my health now and to be here for my kids and their kids. I feel that growing up a "misfit" and sometimes object of ridicule has made me a more insightful and compassionate person.

justrite, you are in my thoughts, and it is awesome to hear you are getting help with the emotional turmoil you are feeling. I wish you nothing but the best.

[justrite8142 1]

thank u for ur support and understanding...last nite i ate an extra cup of chili and some cherrios...i had to fight the urge not to take a laxative this morning...i was starting to change my mind about going in2 treatment..i've already told my counsler what i'm NOT going to do....hahahahahaha....i can dream on...when i got the urge to take laxatives in fear of gaining weight...i told myself no u have to go...even though u didn't...u need to give up the fight...

[Perfect10in 2010 0]

I was praying for you because I could tell from your last post on 2flyguys you were going thru something. I will continue to pray that you find the place you want to be and enjoy all your blessings. Stay strong you are on the right track will continue to pray for you.