~*~ LilMissDiva's Journey Journal ~*~

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Well I’m very pleased to meet you! I have needed to have some kind of outlet to let loose and scream at the top of my e-lungs. Well you have given me just that.

I have been fat and skinny my whole life. Up 100 down 150, up 180 down 100, up 60… well, you get the picture… This time is going to be different though. This time I am going to take into consideration a great many factors. I’m going to first and foremost remember that I have so much to live for; so much to give for, and so much to lose. I’m not just talking pounds here.

So listen up. My name is *ahem* Irene, aka, LilMissDiva. I have been fighting mightily since the day I was born. I was born in a struggling family. We never had a lot. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my Mom remarried when I was 6. My stepdad was a jerk. He mentally abused me. I have come to terms with that and it will no longer affect who I am on the inside (just as simply as it can affect who I am on the outside).

My Mom never knew how to teach us healthy habits. She was a bit of a hippie back then and her main concerns were just keeping us alive basically. I guess she never considered the long term. No worries, I don’t blame her at all. That’s how most people lived back then. It was ok to feed your kids Pepsi and chips for lunch, right? That’s not what’s important here anyway, and I refuse to let that be any kind of excuse for who I am today anymore.

I’m a grown woman now. I can’t keep falling into excuses of days gone by when I never had control of my life anyway as a child. I do now though and I need to take the reigns and make my own destiny. My future is looking bright, educated and best of all fit. Yeah I said it, fit. Not skinny, not pretty but fit. Healthy.

What does fit and healthy mean to me? Well it means I can walk on my knees without them popping and hurting. It means I can withstand at least one straight hour of cardio without feeling like the worlds fading to black. It means I can go into any clothing store and fit any article of clothing in any section. It means I can go anywhere and not feel humiliated because I have to squeeze into their tight chairs, etc. How do the last few things equal health? Well, mental health mind you. It’s all very relative… goes hand in hand.

You see, if I say “I feel good about me”, then mentally you are on the positive. I’m sure you get what I’m saying.

Here is my stance. I was banded on February 11th in 2008. By all accounts I should have reached goal by now. Even if I were a self-proclaimed “slow loser” should I be there by now. I’m not however. In fact I’ve gained some back and now I feel like I have to start all over again. Good thing I’m that type of girl otherwise I would just sit on my couch yet again, open that sweet bag of Doritos and something sugary to drink and away I go.

That is not me anymore however. The band saved me. How? Well I’ll tell you. The day I had surgery was the day I put my life into my surgeon’s hands, yet it was also the same day I took my life back. It was the day I decided that no matter how tough life got, how ugly the world gets – I will ALWAYS make sure I’m the best I can be. To myself, and to everyone around me, I’ll be the best.

Things did get really bleak for awhile and that was when the weight piled back on. Sure, I noticed – who wouldn’t? But did I acknowledge it? Those are two different realizations and I only noticed… didn’t acknowledge… until now. Yes, I’ve tried to jump back on that horse many a time – but again I only noticed.

I now have come to the full realization of what I have let happen to myself. No one else did this but me, and when one acknowledges something negative – one must also follow through and correct it.

I wanted to wait to create you, my darling diary because I wanted to know for sure I truly was ready. I’ve created others but I never took it or my gains seriously. However in the last few weeks I have made some strange kind of transformation. I call it my own personal butterfly effect.

So many use the ideal that when one changes physically they go from a caterpillar to a butterfly. But what about the inside? Well for me I had to make that transition on the inside before it met the out. I had to really fully comprehend the “me” in my heart and in my mind. Those are the only to “me’s” that really matter anyway. The outside me is only but a reflection, like that in the mirror of the inside me. The inside me made the transition, thus I am ready.

Why didn’t I finish it out on the first tryout with the band? Well, I’ll tell you. I simply wasn’t ready. I was still a baby caterpillar swanking around, bouncing off the leaves and exploring my new world. It was fun at first, but once I realized I would have to cocoon, I ran off into the grass and hid. Hid I did and I had to go through a whole year’s worth of story (that which I will not divulge here, sorry dear diary). Well, like any good story the main character must go through a myriad of situations and ultimately come up with some lessons and conclusions. Then and only then is the caterpillar truly ready to cocoon and make that transition into the beautiful butterfly.

That would be me by the way, in case you were wondering…

In conclusion, dear diary, I promise to write in you often. I want to tell you all about the wonderful things that go along with becoming a beautiful butterfly, the colorful images and feelings that go along with it and the newness of learning to fly. Why all of this? Because, Irene is no failure. Never has been and never will be. I just took the scenic route, that's all. Had I not done that however, I would not have witnessed how incredibly beautiful the journey is and will continue to be.

Until next time…

Edited July 27, 2010 by LilMissDiva

[elcee 3,341]

Great to read . The journey with the band as with everything is not always easy. The ability to recognise where you have stumbled and pick yourself up and carry on is very important.

All the best.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

See I told ya I’d be back! And I’m willing to bet you might not have believed me huh? Ok, well I just hope you were giving me the benefit… LOL!

Today I want to go over a few things because I think this is definitely a step in the right direction. I have an enormous addiction to chips. Unfortunately for me and my band these can just slip right on through. I literally can eat as many and as much as I want. Really! I won’t even go there on how much because that would be too embarrassing. At least I recognize it though. :wink2: Well a few weeks ago before I got back into the swing of being a good little bandster, I was tearing through a bag of good ole Doritos. Mmmm and they were good, yes they were!

Well, halfway through my session I broke out of the trance I was in. I can’t even tell you how I broke out, because when I’m doing this it’s as if I’m in another world. That’s embarrassing to admit too, but darn it if it ain’t the truth. Anyway, back to my little story, so – I look down at the bag and I think… “Sheesh girl, what are you doing???” I suddenly felt a deep down awful guilty feeling. I mean stronger than I’ve ever felt in my entire life of doing this. So I lift up the bag from my lap… decide enough was enough and carry it over to the trash can and put it right where it belonged. That’s right, garbage food goes… in the garbage. I have never done this before. Sure, I’ve contemplated it – a million times over in fact. I never got around to it in the past though. This time I did just that!

I’m not just talking the garbage in the kitchen either. I threw it in the trash outside, on the curb waiting for the weekly garbage crew to come pick up. I didn’t want to get any insane ideas, like taking it back out. Yeah, that’s always been a fear of mine, that I would do something crazy like that.

I cannot tell you what a burden lifted from my chest after doing this. I was so amazed with myself!! Damn proud too, yeah I said it! Something worked with this idea too because I have not had any cravings for chips since… except one time. So I chose a small bag of Sun Chips since it was at least whole grain (??? Funny how I can create an excuse on why I should have it… LOL). I only ate 3 chips from the bag and threw the rest away. They sat there for the longest time and I realized I didn’t even want them. Crazy stuff huh? Whatever, it works for me! :sad:

Well the story does not end there. Well, right after dinner I was playing around on the computer. I think I have created a weird habit that I like to snack while I’m doing this. The first thing that pops into my head is I want to chow down on some ice-cream. We have the caramel drumsticks. Well guess what… I created an excuse for myself to indulge. I said, “hey at least its portion controlled… go for it!!”

I did go for it. I pulled it out of the freezer and opened the package. I ate the chocolate off and chopped nuts. Then I started to eat the ice cream.

Something churned in me, and I started to think about the rule I’d made for myself. I wanted to get right with myself before indulging in bad foods for awhile. I’m not saying I never will eat junk food again; I just wanted to be fully on track again before doing it. I’m not there yet, and I completely recognize this. So I started to feel that guilt thingy again. Wow, where did this thing come from all of a sudden? Whatever, its working (I speak in two’s… ha-ha). So that too went right into the trash.

I started to think about all the progress I’ve made in the last 2 weeks. I really don’t want to lose that so I made the conscious decision to get rid of the demon. I believe getting rid of the demon means more than just the physical sense too (i.e., Cookies, candy, ice cream, chips…etc.). The demon is really what keeps me from that goal that eludes me. It is the voice that gives me the go-ahead. The reason behind the madness.

I feel so successful right now. I truly feel like I’m back. I haven’t said that in a really long time. I was always “hoping to get back”. I’m here now though. If any of you knew me back then you would understand what I mean. I was incredibly driven and ready to make the change. I was making all the right choices and my weight was dropping like a man. I worked out all the time. I was just superwoman when it came to doing me and my band justice.

That girl got lost somewhere, but I can 100% say now that she has been found. :wub:

Stay true until I return again!

LMD

Edited July 27, 2010 by LilMissDiva

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Great to read . The journey with the band as with everything is not always easy. The ability to recognise where you have stumbled and pick yourself up and carry on is very important.

All the best.

elcee, thank you so much! :sad: All the best to you!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

What exactly is the significance of taking pictures?? I see them all over the place. I have certainly noticed many people take them in similar fashion, such as sitting in their driver seat (which I hope they aren’t taken them as they are actually driving!) or they simple run around town taking random shots of things you wouldn’t give a second thought too.

What about the meaning of the picture of my own self? What do I see when I look at pictures of me? Well right now I definitely see someone who has taken some time off from what I really should be concentrating my time on. I see someone who got lost along the way, someone whose smile seems to have faded like the sunlight at the end of a long day.

What I don’t see is though the same person who looks back at me in the mirror each day. For the life of me I can’t seem to figure that person out. Who is that person? I see someone smaller than she really is, someone happier, prettier. Someone who has her stuff together and can take on the world.

The person in the picture is quite withdrawn, face is a mess, hair a mess… her body needs a lot of work and her brightness just isn’t there. I see someone looking for something she just can’t seem to find.

I have decided to begin a new project. I want the woman in the pictures to look exactly like the woman in the mirror. I will need to fine tune many things. The outlook… The charisma… The inside factor… I will surely also need to work on the outside. I have a lot of work to do, but seeing as the lady in the mirror can take on the world, surely the lady in the picture can take on a few extra pounds!

Every week I will need to take a photo shoot of myself. No, not like a Brook Shields spread in Vogue, but a simple shot here and there to check my progress. Every week that goes by I am sure that lady will start to match the woman in the mirror. When those two women become twins then I will know the time has come to accept who I really am.

Irene

Edited July 27, 2010 by LilMissDiva

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Ever sat and wondered for a minute how getting banded would affect your relationships? I'm talking all relationships too, from your marriage or significant other, your children and parents, close family or friends. Perhaps even just associates, co-workers, or strangers walking down the street as they pass you. All of this can and likely will change as time goes on as your weight goes down and your confidence goes up. I speak from experience in this; it will probably even change your relationships here on this very website.

In my personal opinion I’ve noticed the relationship I have with myself is what ultimately affects the relationships I have with others. How am I feeling today? Do I feel good? Do I like myself today? Now, if I answer yes to this then I’m almost willing to bet the farm I’m going to have a good relationship day with those surrounding me. It will probably show on my face how I’m feeling. I’m probably smiling on the outside, giving better eye contact and “good vibes” so to speak.

What if I reversed the roles and put myself in someone else’s shoes? Say, I’m walking down the hallway at work and there are two people coming down the hallway at me. The first one is looking downward, no facial expression or perhaps one that doesn’t look ultimately satisfied at the moment. They do not pretend to notice I’m there… what is my personal reaction to this? Of course, I just walk right on by thinking… wow, what’s eating them – or something potentially negative.

The next person is walking by with nice posture, smiling and looking around taking in the scenery. What would I do then? My normal response to this as based on history, I tend to say “hello, nice outside isn’t it?” or whatever comes to mind (hopefully not too cheesy – LOL!!)

This is true for me in my response to those around me. But perhaps I say this to Mr. Nothappy? What is the response from them back to me? That is what eludes me to this day. No matter what, there are always going to be those types of people who are so unhappy in their lives that they must find some kind of joy in bringing down those who truly are ecstatic and living life to the fullest.

They tend to not want to say hello back, or feel like “well who does she *think* she is??... all happy and whatnot!! Wow she thinks she’s all that” and some miserable other types of feedback.

You know what? As time goes on and the more confidence that builds in me every day I tend to start feeling like… so what? You’re not happy, well I really don’t care. I am and I will *not* let you take that away from me. So, go into your miserable little stupor and stew. Oh, and “Have a nice Day!” Ha-ha!!

I live my life to help others, make the people around me happy and always working for positivity. However one thing I have learned lately is no matter what you do, there will always be people you can’t please. People who, for the sake of argument will be nasty to you no matter what. However I read somewhere a Wayne Dyer blurb. It goes something like this “How other people treat YOU is THEIR karma. How YOU react is YOURS.” I loved to read that because it reminds me that responding negatively in kind is not going to make the situation better. All I can do is continue to be me.

Love me or hate me, I am still me. No one can change that unless I allow them. What I also know from this is that I will never treat anyone back unkindly. If someone is unhappy on the inside, then that is something THEY need to work on.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I have been working out like crazy! I do something 6 days per week, and leaving Friday for “recovery”… LOL Not only that Mondays I do very little. I play on my Wii for 30 minutes and I do 30 minutes of Calisthenics and a few reps of weights. I’m not doing too many weights because, well, I really don’t want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just a little definition is quite enough. On my hardest day I’m pulling in about 2 ½ hours time. I think for someone who’s only been back in the swing for 3 weeks isn’t too shabby!

Failure should be a four letter word! Or perhaps it is… it is really just the word F-A-I-L after all. I seem to be seeing it and hearing it all over the place right now. Maybe it’s just because I’m more perceptive to it because not only 6 weeks ago I felt like just “giving up”. Even to the point where I didn’t care if I got back up to 300 Lbs. or more and just wanted to do what I wanted to do. So what? I have a Husband and a family that loves me. So what, I’m getting to eat all the things I wanted to because my band has been unleashed.

I felt this way because life had taken over. I was super busy from the time I woke up in the morning until it was time for bed, and I don’t even have any children if you can believe it! It was the way it was though, and before I knew it I was up 40 Lbs! Are you kidding me?? 40 Lbs?? No way!! I was well over the 100 Lbs. lost mark only 6 months out of surgery. Well now I have to remember I had already lost 50 or so before surgery. Then again I had a long ways to go. I was at least 180 Lbs out of my normal BMI category. So sad for me huh? No. I was the one that got me there and I was the one that had to fix it. I started to, but somehow I lost focus and I was back to the miserable me… the “Despicable Me”.

Before I knew it I could feel my clothes tighten up around me. Where was my mind during this? I knew it was happening and yet, it was like I was in dreamland somewhere. I didn’t want to notice because this is what one would call their comfort zone. I was comfy, yet not so much so. How does that even make sense? It did to me, that’s all I can say.

Well, thank goodness I woke up from my nightmare! I felt so terrible physically. My body at that point had become accustomed to the healthier foods and the exercise routines. I felt tired all the time and very complacent. I didn’t want to do much of anything at one point. I didn’t even feel like getting up to use the bathroom. Now THAT’S pathetic.

But… I’m back on my normal routine. The good and healthy one. Now I don’t mind getting up and doing things. I’m finding myself walking from point A to point B very quickly. It’s so much fun being healthy and active. I don’t feel like I’m waddling as much anymore either… LOL It’s so funny how we forget certain things that go along with being obese. Perhaps it’s because those are things we’d rather not remember anyhow. Or like how it had become more difficult to cross my legs again, or how my legs rub as I’m walking. Nasty little things like that. All the things I hate in exchange for the sweet taste of ice-cream or Cookies and having the time to watch my favorite TV shows at night.

That is why I put a nice TV in my workout room with Cable! If I notice there is something deterring me from getting my big butt up and doing my workout, then it’s something I need to address. That was just one of them. The other is I hate going to a gym. Well guess what, that means I can create one at home. One of the best things I ever did for my weight loss journey. Besides my “get it done” attitude and the Lap-Band of course!!

I have absolutely no excuses on why I shouldn’t finish this thing out this time. I know I can and will get to goal if I keep my mind focused. On those days where I just don’t feel like “doing my exercises”, I will just have to dig way deep. I usually imagine Jillian’s voice and her looking at me with that “mmhmm yeah right” look she gives the contestants on Biggest Loser. Then I see her walk over to the treadmill and turn it up to 10 or something utterly ridiculous. She beats them down!

What is she doing right though? She breaks them down mentally to build them up physically. She gets to the heart of the matter. That’s what I’ve been doing. It’s NOT EASY!! However, I seriously don’t remember anyone telling me it would be. Maybe that was just a picture I concocted in my head.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Good morning!

Well here I am again. When I say I’m going to stick with something through to the end I mean it. Yes I always felt this nagging doubt before – so I’d just say I’m going to try it again... and again... This time I said I’m just going to do it and I’m going to see it out to the finish line (not sure exactly where that is yet). I’m going to get to get my body healthy and turn it into a calorie burning machine! I’m going to get my energy skyrocketing and I’m going to be able to do things I never imagined possible!

I have been sticking to my eating routine as well. No, I have not been perfect – but I have been pretty darn good if I may say so. Tomorrow is my off day/free day so I’ll get the chance to let my body recuperate from the workouts and to shake up the caloric intake by pretty much enjoying 3 awesome meals and one awesome dessert. :-P I can’t wait… ha-ha!!

I only get to have a “Free day” every other Friday, which is essentially my Regular Day Off from work. It’s the day I get to re-charge my batteries really. Everyone needs one of these every so often. I get to let loose, eat out and pretty much be a bum if I want. So what? I’m far from lazy – but I understand the true meaning of beauty rest! J

I have been struggling a lot with the idea of taking a free day to myself every other week. I still get a little bit of a guilt feeling when I’m not working out or I’m not eating things like that on my good days. It’s all those years ingrained in me where if I were to just eat them any old time I would see a weight gain. I tend to lose fast and gain fast too. I take a lot of bad with the good on that. I notice it’s affecting me differently with this new “thought process”. I notice I’ll either gain a pound or stay the same for a few days following my free days. It’s a little bit nerve wrecking because I weigh daily. I’ve also noticed the weight is coming off quite slowly too. I only seem to lose about 1-1.5 lbs. per week. I’m not complaining really, it’s just strange for me. I’ve been known to lose up to 15 Lbs in one week!

I can’t let this get into my head though and cause me to fall down again. I have to remind myself that I’m changing myself from the inside out this time. I have to re-wire my brain to become what I call more organized in my thoughts whereas eating and exercise are concerned. It’s when I am more spontaneous in my reactions to eating and exercise that I seem to lose track and end up making poor decisions. This is outside my personality trait anyway; I’m a very organized person. Perhaps that is why I always seemed to run amuck after a few months of doing really good. I wasn’t organized enough.

My routine basically boils down to about 1150 – 1400 Calories per day depending on how much workout I do. My workout days run from 1.5 – 2.5 hours total per day (or more if I can muster up the energy) and 6 days per week. This may need to be tweaked from time to time as I notice my weight loss slowing. I do try to keep my body a calorie burning machine so I will do anything to keep it that way.

Another thing I have noticed during my new routine and weight loss is my band has out of the blue returned. I was overly tightened before and thought this was the way to go to lose the weight. Well yeah, it worked for awhile but when you stay too tight for too long you tend to pick up really bad habits. Apparently what happens is one will move over to eating more slider foods to make up for content. It doesn’t happen overnight, but I gave it enough time and I seemed to find myself addicted to sugary sweet foods. I was never addicted to these pre-band. I was more a salty/crunchy type girl. I loved solid foods too (a whole lot in fact), I just ate way too much of it. Well my surgeon said enough was enough and “Released the Kraken” so to speak. Once I got the taste of real food again I was off like a rocket ship into space. I gained really fast after that until I got my senses back in order. That is me now, today; in order.

I needed some routines, some organized thoughts. I needed my thinner body back! I was very uncomfortable.

This time it’s going to be right. It’s going to be level headed and it’s going to be smart choices. I’m in it for the health, always was. I looked into the surgery because I was diagnosed with High Blood Pressure at the young age of 31. I didn’t want to be like most of my family battling that my whole life along with other illnesses such as diabetes or cancer. I lost an Uncle from HBP and he was in his 40’s. He was NOT obese mind you, but he could have been healthier. He didn’t work out and he was much stressed. I think working out is a major cure for stress. However working out was very difficult for me because I was over 330 Lbs. I wasn’t going to lose with as much as I could eat. I could eat A LOT I’m telling you no lies. I could probably out eat most guys posting in this very forum.

Anyway, decision made. Now it’s time for decision complete.

Edited July 22, 2010 by LilMissDiva

[bambam31 168]

Congrats on your renewed dedication Diva!

Just know that a solid 1 1.5 pound loss a week is not slow! Just think... that's up to 6 pounds per month... 18 pounds in 90 days. It adds up quick. This would equate to restricting about 5250 calories per week or 750 per day through diet and exercise. That is a great goal to shoot for!

Progress breeds motivation.

Keep up the good work!

Brad

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Thanks Brad!

I haven't written in this in a few days. I have so much to say right now too, but I need to relax a little bit and find the perfect words... either that or perhaps I create a link somewhere else and you all can read my journey there. It is a journey no doubt! One with promise and renewed excitement!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

My Official Countdown Thread :smile2: - Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Surgery (VSG) Forum

Here is a link to my new Journey. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive over the years. (((Hugs)))