The truth about me...

[neveragain 9]

I just need to get a few things off of my chest, guys. I can't hold it in anymore. I'm sorry. After this, you guys will probably know me as good as my fiance. I have to tell someone...

I put up a facade every day because I feel like I've failed in almost every aspect of my life.

I love my fiance, but I feel like something is missing and it hurts because she is my best friend.

I have no guy friends that I consider best friends. I can't even tell you how much I wish I did, though. I've tried to let them in, but every time I do, I feel like I'm going to change into a different person and become an asshole. It is really embarrassing, too, because I have no one to make a best man who I really trust.

I have mixed feelings about my weight. Sometimes I care more than others. I care about the way I look, but sometimes I wonder if it is worth the effort.

After my head injury 2 years, I never really realized how much I have changed. I'm more self-centered, but I'm also more emotional now than I ever was. I don't know how to deal with it.

The most hurt I've been in a while was last semester when I got in an argument with a friend of my fiance that she doesn't even like or keep in touch with. She didn't back me up and now it feels weird when I think of it. I don't hold grudges, but this won't go away.

Even though my dad would never tell me this, I feel like I failed my dad. He went to an ivy league school and medical school. I want to go to medical school, but I don't know if I can do it because of my head injury. Also, I'm 25 and I have yet to graduate from college. My sister is an overachiever and I respect her so much, but I wish I could have half of the ability that she has.

It seems like my head injury is stopping me from doing anything I want. I feel like I can't be good enough at anything to impress anyone. I have a somewhat competitive spirit, so that hurts the most. My self-confidence is not half of what it was before the accident.

Thanks for listening, guys...

[waynooo 1]

That took some guts my man. Your not alone with not having any male friends, I have my child hood friends that live 500 miles away but none around town to hang out with. I wouldn't be to worried about, heck when i do something with my Bro in law or Father in law, I wish my wife was there to share the experience anyway. Your emotion tend to change the older you get. So what, things that are suppose to tear you up tear you up. It happens............. :thumbup:

[neveragain 9]

Thanks for the reply, man. I really appreciate it. :thumbup: I'm not sure why, but it was all just built up to the breaking point and I needed to offload it somewhere. haha.

I don't really care about the emotion part so much because I've always been more of a sensitive guy. I've always been known to shed a tear at a good movie. lol. I would hang out with my soon-to-be in-laws more, but they live 120 miles away in phoenix. They're really cool, though.

[LeighaMason 19]

Let me say from a parents prospective, all that matters is for you to do what makes you happy. If my son decides that he wants to be a backhoe operator because he loves it and is the best one he can be, that is wonderful to me. I don't care if he is a Dr., lawyer or ditch digger as long as he is happy.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Because of your injury yours have changed. You will have to relearn what yours are but just because they are different that doesn't mean they are less valuable. I think you are in a growth stage and when its over you will really like who you grew into.

[Jachut 487]

Well, I will say that after the way you questioned a certain someone the other day in that rather offensive post about "bedding hotties", there's a decent, moral guy inside there and as a parent, I'd be VERY proud of a man as young as 25 being able to think that way.

You're also amazingly eloquent and I am always surprised to be reminded of your age becuase you have the air of a much older and more experienced man.

Those are things to be proud of. I cant help with your specific problems, but always remember that everyone has good points too. Nobody is a "failure".

Just like it doesnt matter if you're fat or not, it also doesnt matter if you're a doctor or not, its what's inside that counts. Still, I really hope that there's ways to sort things out and fulfill your ambitions.

But I wouldnt call you a failureand if you were my son (thankfully, I'm not QUITE old enough!) I'd be very proud of you.

[Kat817 19]

I agree totally---I want my son, and my daughters to be happy.

You ARE still young, but that does not make you feel any less than if you had another 20 years on you!

Head injuries are SO difficult. My brother was critically injured, and left with serious brain injury many years ago---he will never recover as you have---and yet---he is self supporting, he walks, he talks (well argues mostly), he was never going to be able to do any of those things according to his Dr.'s. So---everyone considers him a huge success!

I think the thing that worries me most about your post is the concerns over your relationship. Marriage is work---and that is if BOTH parties want to work on it. It is not a 50/50 arrangement. If you have doubts about her having your back---they need to be settled PRIOR to marriage! Maybe some pre marriage counseling...

If you feel like something is missing....it is.

It may be difficult to discuss it and get her to go maybe, but it is going to be easier than divorce down the road. It is only going to be one of MANY difficult conversations over the years to come.

I understand the friend thing---I do have friends, but many less "in person", "in real life" ones than I used to, and less than I have online. Now many of my online friends I have actually met, but we live so far apart---we stay in contact online.

Over time, our interests, and lives have changed....and in the end very few of the friends were worth the effort I guess.

I will tell you, my very best friend----we have been through highs and lows, and have such similar beliefs and life expectations---did not come into my life until my mid 20's. I have friends I have had longer, but none anywhere near as close. I was an adult when I chose this friend. Not a child. This friendship was based on adult needs and abilities---we were both parents when we met, we understood what come first. Childhood friends were made with immature expectations---and few lived up to them....as I am sure I didn't to theirs.

I met my friend when we moved into an apt. complex next door to one another.....fate stepped in and give me one of the best things in my life.

Point is----your life is just beginning.....be yourself. If it scares off the girlfriend----then it does. If it doesn't it will make you closer, because you can be yourself. Maybe she has some of the same fears.

If being around the guys makes you feel like you are going to be an asshole---be one sometimes! Young men are supposed to be sometimes! Sometimes young women are too! We learn from those times!

It is emotions trying to come out! Let them!

Do you attend any support groups for brain injury? Have you thought of starting one? Speaking in places in relation to the injury? You are as Jacqui pointed out quite eloquent, and would educate many people that way. And also come into contact with people----anyone you come in contact with has potential to be a friend who will change your life...and you theirs.

I am not Ivy league educated, nor incredibly successful,by many peoples standards, but I am extremely happy, and would be very saddened if my brother thought he was a failure being compared to me! I have serious doubts about whether I could have persevered as he has with his injuries---he impresses me daily! He is my brother----I love him, no matter what he does---he breaths, which is more than I thought he was going to be around to do!

I hope you realize that just recognizing there are issues, is the first step into changing things! Good Luck!

[neveragain 9]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I really appreciate it.

Also, Jacqui, can I say something? Despite the fact that I can think of only one thing we have agreed on in the last 4 or so years, I respect you so much. You are very well spoken and I always enjoy reading what you have to say. Also, I look at you and see what you have accomplished and I can only hope to be able to do the same. :thumbup:

[lauragshsu 6]

I'm just going to jump in on one point (it's late and I'll reply more tomorrow). Education doesn't mean crap. I say that because I have experienced it. I have a bachelor's and a master's degree in education, and guess what? I have been out of a job for over a year. My brother barely graduated high school (and I really do mean barely), and makes over $80,000 a year. Education doesn't mean crap.

[Llyra 3]

Welcome to the BIAA's new website!

This is a website for the Brain Injury Association of America. There are local chapters all over the country, even in places as relatively small as my hometown.

Hope your job search yields results soon, Laura. Unemployment is no fun, but barely graduating high school is no more of a guarentee of an $80,000 a year job than two degrees in education. (For the record, I have one degree, grad work, and a professional certification. I can also operate heavy equipment and thoroughly appreciate the trades.)

[Boca 0]

You need to check out the above website or go to a doctor that can physically help you. That injury might have done something to your brain. Other that than men almost totally do not have friends. It's almost a myth that they do. I've only seen guy friendships on TV. My husband doesn't nor do any of my friends husbands. They get together when we get together. When my husband plays tennis together with other guys that's it. Ladies, lunch, go shopping together, talk on the phone. Not happening with the guys. Not in my family or among my friends. I don't know if they are too lazy to do it or what. So I am glad that you have a woman in your life and that seems to work for a lot of guys.

[lauragshsu 6]

Ok, I have a couple of questions:

1) what do you feel like is missing with your fiance? Is there something you feel is missing with her, with you or with your relationship? Have y'all tried premarital counseling?

2) Do you think you really need a close guy friend? I agree with the previous poster who said most men don't have close guy friends. My husband has many "friend-quantances"- people he knows, talks to at work, and might go to a BBQ at their house, but we wouldn't call them if it was a serious situation. I don't think it's abnormal for most people these days not to have really close friends.

3) Can I ask what the head injury was? Have they made sure all parts are workign correctly? Sometimes people change, and it takes injuries or traumatic events to change us.

4) Have you talked to your fiance about the event last summer? Do you feel like she should 100% have your back? Did something more happen (like she ended up blaming you or attacking you)?

5) I feel like I've let my father down, too, even with two degrees. Like I said earlier, education doesn't mean crap- you can have a ton of degrees and certifications and still be unemployed. You can have nothing and make a ton of money. Has your dad ever said anything to make you think you're a disappointment?

6) What is the head injury stopping you from doing that you really want to do? From what I can tell, you are a very intellegent, well spoken man.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I just need to get a few things off of my chest, guys. I can't hold it in anymore. I'm sorry. After this, you guys will probably know me as good as my fiance. I have to tell someone...

I put up a facade every day because I feel like I've failed in almost every aspect of my life.

I love my fiance, but I feel like something is missing and it hurts because she is my best friend.

I have no guy friends that I consider best friends. I can't even tell you how much I wish I did, though. I've tried to let them in, but every time I do, I feel like I'm going to change into a different person and become an asshole. It is really embarrassing, too, because I have no one to make a best man who I really trust.

I have mixed feelings about my weight. Sometimes I care more than others. I care about the way I look, but sometimes I wonder if it is worth the effort.

After my head injury 2 years, I never really realized how much I have changed. I'm more self-centered, but I'm also more emotional now than I ever was. I don't know how to deal with it.

The most hurt I've been in a while was last semester when I got in an argument with a friend of my fiance that she doesn't even like or keep in touch with. She didn't back me up and now it feels weird when I think of it. I don't hold grudges, but this won't go away.

Even though my dad would never tell me this, I feel like I failed my dad. He went to an ivy league school and medical school. I want to go to medical school, but I don't know if I can do it because of my head injury. Also, I'm 25 and I have yet to graduate from college. My sister is an overachiever and I respect her so much, but I wish I could have half of the ability that she has.

It seems like my head injury is stopping me from doing anything I want. I feel like I can't be good enough at anything to impress anyone. I have a somewhat competitive spirit, so that hurts the most. My self-confidence is not half of what it was before the accident.

Thanks for listening, guys...

neveragain, not sure what to say except, well you are in no way a failure. You have done an excellent job with your weight loss and that is ONLY one thing you have done well with.

You have met someone wonderful enough to call your Wife someday. Do you know how many out there can not say the same?

So you don't have any guy friends... so what? My Husband is my best friend too. I really don't have very many female friends either. I have always been more inclined to have male friends anyway. I guess I just seem to relate to them better. Less catty, and more forthcoming. I prefer that in the people I know. Not only that they tend to be more into sports which is a passion of mine. Funny tho, my Husband isn't really into it that much... so that's kinda strange. :biggrin:

About the argument situation. Take a deep look into it? Were you right in that scenario? Maybe she was calling it like she saw it. Doesn't mean she was wrong, or you or her friend. I think the best way to hash that out is to sit down one on one in a blameless environment and discuss it. You will eventually have to let that go if you are going to truly be with this person for the rest of your life. I do this with my Husband all the time, and believe me every day with him just gets better and better. I cannot imagine my life without him!

As far as feeling like we failed our parents, well - in order for you to excel in everything you do you have to put all that aside. We all have setback in our lives but the most important thing you can do FOR YOURSELF is to prove to yourself you can do anything your desire is great enough for. Is your desire great enough? If not, then maybe that just isn't the road for you. We are all exceptional in our own right. You just maybe need to find your own and not feel like you need to live in your Fathers or your Sisters shadow.

And last but not least, I for one am very impressed by you. I've seen many of your posts and they are all very helpful and inspirational. You just being here and telling everyone "look I did it so can you" means a great deal.

You sir, are cutting yourself way too short.

Edited July 22, 2010 by LilMissDiva

[neveragain 9]

So, for yesterday, I apologize. I think I just had one of those "it happens to everyone" breakdowns. Contrary to what some people may think, even guys can have irrational breakdowns. lol.

Thanks again for the replies, guys.

So, here's my thing about the friend thing. I grew up around women, so I have more female friends than your normal guy. I have guys that are my friends, but more of work friends than anything else. I think I'm just trying to figure out who my best man is going to me and I'm like, "ahhhh!" about it. lol.

About the argument situation, you're right. I think both of our testosterone kicked in and we both got a little out of hand. I'm really happy that it didn't happen face-to-face because I would have laid out his druggie ass on the floor. What got me started is that he won't stop getting all up in her business and it makes her uncomfortable, so I figured it was time to defend her. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but I feel like when it has to do with woman I love, it's my duty to protect her. She doesn't hold her ground and it bothers me. We talked about it and she says she feels really bad, yet she doesn't do anything about it. Arg. I'll probably get over it eventually.

See, my desire for the field of medicine is there. I don't really know what else I would do, considering I've dabbled in a lot of fields. haha. I kind of feel l could do other things, but I wouldn't be AS happy if I didn't. I'm never going to give up, though. ^^

For my brain injury, I don't really know what to think. I keep hearing all of this stuff from my mom who was a nurse for 25 years, but not matter what research I do, I always wonder if it is actually the case. Aside from maybe being a tad more emotional here and there and my memory retention being a little less than what it used to be, my life really hasn't changed much. lol. I feel blessed in so many ways. ^^

[sue in ne 1]

Never Again,

you are NOT a Failure.

1st, Brain injury will tend to emphasize some of your traits you had before the TBI. If you have not been through rehabilitatin for a brain injsury, look in to it NOW. there is more to rehab than getting the muscles to work.. there are methods and techniques which can help you with cognitive skills.

As for medicine., seems to me you already have an personal in those with a brain injury - I knew of a PHD psychologist who had a brain injury and worked testing individuals with similar injuries to determine the best methods, techniques to use in relearning & acquiring skills. Not everyone in medicine is a doctor or a nurse.

This far post injury, feeling low ( depressed) is not unusual. Do talk with your doctor. Please compare you with the you you are ( not pre injury nor your sister) . You 2 did not have the same skills prior to the injury.

Being emotional doesn't help control eating either. You may have dificulty eating - do write down what you eat, when you eat it - if you don't already.

BTW, I am not a nurse, but a former teacher who worked with many children & adults, some of whom had a brain inury. ALso, I cannot do what I used to do either (& it has messed up my wt. loss) -arthritis. But I keep measuring progress from where I was when I started treatment.

Do talk with your fiance- if you were overly emotional, perhaps she did not know what to do or say .

Good luck.