Divorce/Split Rates post lap band

[Me3 0]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really means a lot to me to not feel so alone in this.

Many of you said I could unload... so here I go.. please don't think i'm awful... :sad:

My philosophy on marriage is that divorce is not an option. But, when he told me last week that he didn't like coming home, it really got me to thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Heat of the moment anger.

My husband is 53 and I am 33. He has 4 children from 2 previous marriages, and there are 7 grandkids (some step to him). We have been together since 1996 and saw his kids through the gauntlets...teenage pregnancy, one had drug issues and the others were typical narcissistic teenagers. Then there were the issues with one of the kids mothers. She's mentally ill, diagnosed and is difficult to say the least.

BUT WE WEATHERED ALL OF THAT... :thumbup:

Now in our family, there is no step... just doesn't exist. :thumbup:

I work in a very stressful environment (911) and he works in politics and is in the middle of an election cycle. So stress is through the roof. We see each other on Monday, Friday and Sunday nights usually... so about 12 times a month we have time for each other... I mean like hours instead of the daily passing interactions. Some of those days I am exhausted especially coming off of 3- 12 hour shifts and at night after a 12 hour shift all I want to do is crash. Have I become complacent? Yes I admit that. :crying:

His political life is also a sore spot in our marriage. Or, well I should say his boss is the problem. I swore to my husband that this man would never break our marriage and that I would never keep my husband from pursuing politics (it's his passion and he's good at it). His boss however is a narcissistic bastard asshole that goes out of his ways to cause issues in my marriage, going so far once as to say that he will make sure that my husband I will never make it. :scared2:

My husband knows this all too well and I know he feels in a catch 22.. but sometimes it boggles me the shit he takes from this man. NO JOB in my opinion is worth it. But, since politics is his passion I try my darndest to bite my tongue. (Need to work on that) :smile2:

Three years ago, my grandmother passed away ... she was in my book, my kindred soul.. my mom... my sister... my true other half... her passing has been unbearable to me and I struggle with it daily. It's probably depression as I have stopped scrap-booking, baking, ebaying and chocolate making... which I know pisses my husband off to no end.

In his book I don't do anything. :eek: In my book, I'm in the fight of my life and the first positive step I took was to get the lap band. I wish he could see the "work in progress" and I don't understand why he can't stand by me like I have him for the past 14 years through all of his families issues.

It's like, I'm not allowed to be weak... I'm not allowed to be human because he has this ideal that I'm the glue that binds everything together and keeps him on course maybe? I don't know..

Ya'll are probably sick of me going on and on so I'll stop.. Thanks for listening! :wub:

[ladykcusa 1]

This is a safe place to vent. The release helps to avoid eating our problems away.

Take care of yourself. It is unreasonable to expect to "hold up" the whole family. Focus on YOU.

Good luck, sweetie

[Mrs. Plumpy 0]

Me3, you can make it through this, you sound like such a strong woman. Even if you can't make it, don't look down on yourself, everyone has their breaking points. *Hugs*

[illuminationlady 7]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really means a lot to me to not feel so alone in this.

Many of you said I could unload... so here I go.. please don't think i'm awful... :sad:

My philosophy on marriage is that divorce is not an option. But, when he told me last week that he didn't like coming home, it really got me to thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Heat of the moment anger.

My husband is 53 and I am 33. He has 4 children from 2 previous marriages, and there are 7 grandkids (some step to him). We have been together since 1996 and saw his kids through the gauntlets...teenage pregnancy, one had drug issues and the others were typical narcissistic teenagers. Then there were the issues with one of the kids mothers. She's mentally ill, diagnosed and is difficult to say the least.

BUT WE WEATHERED ALL OF THAT... :thumbup:

Now in our family, there is no step... just doesn't exist. :thumbup:

I work in a very stressful environment (911) and he works in politics and is in the middle of an election cycle. So stress is through the roof. We see each other on Monday, Friday and Sunday nights usually... so about 12 times a month we have time for each other... I mean like hours instead of the daily passing interactions. Some of those days I am exhausted especially coming off of 3- 12 hour shifts and at night after a 12 hour shift all I want to do is crash. Have I become complacent? Yes I admit that. :crying:

His political life is also a sore spot in our marriage. Or, well I should say his boss is the problem. I swore to my husband that this man would never break our marriage and that I would never keep my husband from pursuing politics (it's his passion and he's good at it). His boss however is a narcissistic bastard asshole that goes out of his ways to cause issues in my marriage, going so far once as to say that he will make sure that my husband I will never make it. :scared2:

My husband knows this all too well and I know he feels in a catch 22.. but sometimes it boggles me the shit he takes from this man. NO JOB in my opinion is worth it. But, since politics is his passion I try my darndest to bite my tongue. (Need to work on that) :smile2:

Three years ago, my grandmother passed away ... she was in my book, my kindred soul.. my mom... my sister... my true other half... her passing has been unbearable to me and I struggle with it daily. It's probably depression as I have stopped scrap-booking, baking, ebaying and chocolate making... which I know pisses my husband off to no end.

In his book I don't do anything. :eek: In my book, I'm in the fight of my life and the first positive step I took was to get the LAP-BAND®. I wish he could see the "work in progress" and I don't understand why he can't stand by me like I have him for the past 14 years through all of his families issues.

It's like, I'm not allowed to be weak... I'm not allowed to be human because he has this ideal that I'm the glue that binds everything together and keeps him on course maybe? I don't know..

Ya'll are probably sick of me going on and on so I'll stop.. Thanks for listening! :wub:

First, give yourself a break. You have been through a looooot of stuff here. They say it's best not to make any decisions when you're under a lot of stress. As a PP stated this is a place to vent and find support. So, feel free to unload! I don't know if I could have gone through all you have and stuck around. Although if you really love someone and they are your solemate then you just do it! And it sticks! You say your husband doesn't like coming home anymore. That would bother me. I want the person I'm married to to like me. Ya know what I mean? You certainly have a lot on your plate and I will say a prayer for you. Best wishes!!!

[~amy~ 1]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really means a lot to me to not feel so alone in this.

Many of you said I could unload... so here I go.. please don't think i'm awful... :sad:

My philosophy on marriage is that divorce is not an option. But, when he told me last week that he didn't like coming home, it really got me to thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Heat of the moment anger.

My husband is 53 and I am 33. He has 4 children from 2 previous marriages, and there are 7 grandkids (some step to him). We have been together since 1996 and saw his kids through the gauntlets...teenage pregnancy, one had drug issues and the others were typical narcissistic teenagers. Then there were the issues with one of the kids mothers. She's mentally ill, diagnosed and is difficult to say the least.

BUT WE WEATHERED ALL OF THAT... :thumbup:

Now in our family, there is no step... just doesn't exist. :thumbup:

I work in a very stressful environment (911) and he works in politics and is in the middle of an election cycle. So stress is through the roof. We see each other on Monday, Friday and Sunday nights usually... so about 12 times a month we have time for each other... I mean like hours instead of the daily passing interactions. Some of those days I am exhausted especially coming off of 3- 12 hour shifts and at night after a 12 hour shift all I want to do is crash. Have I become complacent? Yes I admit that. :crying:

His political life is also a sore spot in our marriage. Or, well I should say his boss is the problem. I swore to my husband that this man would never break our marriage and that I would never keep my husband from pursuing politics (it's his passion and he's good at it). His boss however is a narcissistic bastard asshole that goes out of his ways to cause issues in my marriage, going so far once as to say that he will make sure that my husband I will never make it. :scared2:

My husband knows this all too well and I know he feels in a catch 22.. but sometimes it boggles me the shit he takes from this man. NO JOB in my opinion is worth it. But, since politics is his passion I try my darndest to bite my tongue. (Need to work on that) :smile2:

Three years ago, my grandmother passed away ... she was in my book, my kindred soul.. my mom... my sister... my true other half... her passing has been unbearable to me and I struggle with it daily. It's probably depression as I have stopped scrap-booking, baking, ebaying and chocolate making... which I know pisses my husband off to no end.

In his book I don't do anything. :eek: In my book, I'm in the fight of my life and the first positive step I took was to get the LAP-BAND®. I wish he could see the "work in progress" and I don't understand why he can't stand by me like I have him for the past 14 years through all of his families issues.

It's like, I'm not allowed to be weak... I'm not allowed to be human because he has this ideal that I'm the glue that binds everything together and keeps him on course maybe? I don't know..

Ya'll are probably sick of me going on and on so I'll stop.. Thanks for listening! :wub:

{{HUGS}} I won't offer advice...but I will offer my ears for listening if you ever need to talk. Prayers going up for you, your husband, and your marriage...

[pookiemp 0]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really means a lot to me to not feel so alone in this.

Many of you said I could unload... so here I go.. please don't think i'm awful... :sad:

My philosophy on marriage is that divorce is not an option. But, when he told me last week that he didn't like coming home, it really got me to thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Heat of the moment anger.

My husband is 53 and I am 33. He has 4 children from 2 previous marriages, and there are 7 grandkids (some step to him). We have been together since 1996 and saw his kids through the gauntlets...teenage pregnancy, one had drug issues and the others were typical narcissistic teenagers. Then there were the issues with one of the kids mothers. She's mentally ill, diagnosed and is difficult to say the least.

BUT WE WEATHERED ALL OF THAT... :thumbup:

Now in our family, there is no step... just doesn't exist. :thumbup:

I work in a very stressful environment (911) and he works in politics and is in the middle of an election cycle. So stress is through the roof. We see each other on Monday, Friday and Sunday nights usually... so about 12 times a month we have time for each other... I mean like hours instead of the daily passing interactions. Some of those days I am exhausted especially coming off of 3- 12 hour shifts and at night after a 12 hour shift all I want to do is crash. Have I become complacent? Yes I admit that. :crying:

His political life is also a sore spot in our marriage. Or, well I should say his boss is the problem. I swore to my husband that this man would never break our marriage and that I would never keep my husband from pursuing politics (it's his passion and he's good at it). His boss however is a narcissistic bastard asshole that goes out of his ways to cause issues in my marriage, going so far once as to say that he will make sure that my husband I will never make it. :scared2:

My husband knows this all too well and I know he feels in a catch 22.. but sometimes it boggles me the shit he takes from this man. NO JOB in my opinion is worth it. But, since politics is his passion I try my darndest to bite my tongue. (Need to work on that) :smile2:

Three years ago, my grandmother passed away ... she was in my book, my kindred soul.. my mom... my sister... my true other half... her passing has been unbearable to me and I struggle with it daily. It's probably depression as I have stopped scrap-booking, baking, ebaying and chocolate making... which I know pisses my husband off to no end.

In his book I don't do anything. :eek: In my book, I'm in the fight of my life and the first positive step I took was to get the LAP-BAND®. I wish he could see the "work in progress" and I don't understand why he can't stand by me like I have him for the past 14 years through all of his families issues.

It's like, I'm not allowed to be weak... I'm not allowed to be human because he has this ideal that I'm the glue that binds everything together and keeps him on course maybe? I don't know..

Ya'll are probably sick of me going on and on so I'll stop.. Thanks for listening! :wub:

You can get through this whatever option you chose : )

I am leaving my husband this Wednesday. I am moving out into my own place and this is after 10 years...

I am super motivated and have a great career...my husband has not had a job in a year and is completely not motivated to get one. I still love him, but can't live with his lack of contribution to our marriage. I am worth more than his lack of love (no affection, kind words or sex anymore) and motivation.

I hope I am doing the right thing, but I won't know until I do it.

I hope this is a wake up call for him because I do love him...I just can't live with him anymore.

[juliansmom2003 3]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really means a lot to me to not feel so alone in this.

Many of you said I could unload... so here I go.. please don't think i'm awful... :sad:

My philosophy on marriage is that divorce is not an option. But, when he told me last week that he didn't like coming home, it really got me to thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Heat of the moment anger.

My husband is 53 and I am 33. He has 4 children from 2 previous marriages, and there are 7 grandkids (some step to him). We have been together since 1996 and saw his kids through the gauntlets...teenage pregnancy, one had drug issues and the others were typical narcissistic teenagers. Then there were the issues with one of the kids mothers. She's mentally ill, diagnosed and is difficult to say the least.

BUT WE WEATHERED ALL OF THAT... :thumbup:

Now in our family, there is no step... just doesn't exist. :thumbup:

I work in a very stressful environment (911) and he works in politics and is in the middle of an election cycle. So stress is through the roof. We see each other on Monday, Friday and Sunday nights usually... so about 12 times a month we have time for each other... I mean like hours instead of the daily passing interactions. Some of those days I am exhausted especially coming off of 3- 12 hour shifts and at night after a 12 hour shift all I want to do is crash. Have I become complacent? Yes I admit that. :crying:

His political life is also a sore spot in our marriage. Or, well I should say his boss is the problem. I swore to my husband that this man would never break our marriage and that I would never keep my husband from pursuing politics (it's his passion and he's good at it). His boss however is a narcissistic bastard asshole that goes out of his ways to cause issues in my marriage, going so far once as to say that he will make sure that my husband I will never make it. :scared2::party:

My husband knows this all too well and I know he feels in a catch 22.. but sometimes it boggles me the shit he takes from this man. NO JOB in my opinion is worth it. But, since politics is his passion I try my darndest to bite my tongue. (Need to work on that) :thumbup:

Three years ago, my grandmother passed away ... she was in my book, my kindred soul.. my mom... my sister... my true other half... her passing has been unbearable to me and I struggle with it daily. It's probably depression as I have stopped scrap-booking, baking, ebaying and chocolate making... which I know pisses my husband off to no end.

In his book I don't do anything. :cursing: In my book, I'm in the fight of my life and the first positive step I took was to get the LAP-BAND®. I wish he could see the "work in progress" and I don't understand why he can't stand by me like I have him for the past 14 years through all of his families issues.

It's like, I'm not allowed to be weak... I'm not allowed to be human because he has this ideal that I'm the glue that binds everything together and keeps him on course maybe? I don't know..:Banane20:

Ya'll are probably sick of me going on and on so I'll stop.. Thanks for listening! :wub:

Wow, girl you have certainly been through a lot. Your strength is admirable. You have definitely been a supportive wife, even in the worst of times and he needs to step up and return that support. It also is a matter of respect. I know you feel that divorce is not an option, but you do NOT deserve to be in a marriage where you are the one that is constantly giving--you will lose yourself, the new you that you are working so hard for. Just know that if you have exhausted every avenue (serious discussion, counseling, whatever the case may be), that you still have so much left of life to experience! You are 33 years young and have so much to offer someone that will appreciate it!

I will keep you in my prayers. Hopefully hubby will see the terrible loss he may endure and start working on what he needs to! ((HUGS))

[ladykcusa 1]

Pookie - sending strength and support for your decision. Sounds like a well thought out decision.

[Kimbirli 0]

I have been banded since last July and will be filing for a divorce this week. My husband didn't say he was against the surgery but since it has been a battle. But I think for me is now that I have the self esteem that I was lacking now he can't handle it. But I will say there were issues before but I think the 75lbs lost was the last straw for him. Guess it just shows some of his insecurities.

[ladykcusa 1]

Kimbirli - congrats on your strength and renewed self confidence. Sending best of luck as you move forward in your life.

Joyce

[mumof2boys 71]

Well...here's my story...

April 30, 2007, I had lapband surgery...the best decision that I have made in my life...I was 275 pounds.

April 14, 2008, received a telephone call while at work from my husband that he had been having an affair for the last year and a half.

Like you...divorce wasn't really an option for me...I was determined to make my marriage work. I immediately started individual counseling and marriage counseling in an effort to save the marriage (for my children).

During the time that we were in counseling, I learned some very unfortunately things about the man that I called my husband. I spoke to his "girlfriend" on the telephone and I gotta tell you...what a low class gutter rat she was...she was married with 3 children of her own but that's an entirely different story that I won't bore you with. It was also learned, through talking to her, that during their affair, he told her EVERYTHING about me. That skank new that I was having lapband surgery...knew when I lost 50 pounds, you name it...thinking about it makes me sick.

My "husband" had ads on the internet seeking other women, secret email accounts, you name it...he was doing it.

January 2009...asked husband to leave...I had NO feelings for him and didn't want to be with him...he was a vile human being in my eyes.

March 8, 2009...husband moved out.

April 2009...had lower body lift and breast lift with augmentation

May 26, 2010...DIVORCED...woo hoo.

Now...with that being said, I'm not suggesting a divorce for anyone, but in my situation, it was by far the best thing for me and my kids. My exhusband makes me sick. He's totally hating life now...lonely and has a HOT ex wife (:smile2:)

So...in essence, having the lapband saved me...I had to self esteem to get through it all...I was able to make it through it all because I felt good about myself.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm here if you need anyone to talk to...no matter what you decide...you can be happy...I'm living proof.

[nomore1212 0]

WE had a discussion about this at my lapband support group. Many people have issues after weight loss surgery. Marriage is not easy, I think when we are heavier, we just cave in to get along. Once we loose weight, and gain more confidence back, many of us want to explore areas that we didn't do in the past. I am trying to keep this PG rated, but I think you know what I mean. So divorce rate does go way up after surgery. Lots of us feel ignored in marriage, and now want to and deserve the extra attention.

[OldSchool76 0]

From: Read more: Squelching Myths about Weight Loss Surgery - For Dummies

Weight loss surgery will save your marriage

Actually, the opposite is true. The divorce rate among couples in which one has had weight loss surgery is higher than the average. Many couples are not able to weather the drastic change that happens when one spouse loses a tremendous amount of weight. Your spouse may become jealous of the new attention that you're receiving. Or you may find that with improved self-esteem, you're no longer willing to endure treatment that you don't find acceptable. Or, with a whole new appearance, your personality may change — and your spouse may not like that new personality