Family/Friends reactions once you have the band?

[KimDB 0]

Hi everyone,

I was just reading another post where someone banded in April commented about having to deal with some issues in her friendships that were changing because of her friends' reactions to her now having the band.

I was wondering about this. I have a neighbor who is very, very thin (works hard at it) and is a bit older. She is very happy for me and this choice I have made, but she was just telling me to get ready because I am going to encounter people who are going to be very jealous and not happy for me now that I have done this. I had heard this pre-surgery, but it seems different post-surgery, now that I am finding myself aware I have not heard from certain people I know in a while.

On the other hand, I have had a few ravingly enthusiastic cheers from other people I have told, like some distant relatives, and some classmates I have not seen in decades. (Are they happy for me? Or just happy that I apparently got fat enough to get a lap band? Do they think it's funny? I have no idea. They could just be nice people. But they have been ... enthusiastic.)

And then there are the folks I interact with daily, and hmm, some of them haven't even picked up a phone or sent a text to see how I am.

Just wondering what's happening with everyone else!

[MySkinnyDream 8]

I know exactly what you are talking about.

I have found that the thinner friends / relatives are very happy for me about my weight-loss and mention to me all the time how much my looks have changed. :biggrin:

On the other hand, my over weight relatives that are struggling with their own weight issues NEVER say anything to me about my weight-loss.

The only thing I can figure is that it is jealousy. Maybe, maybe not!

[pixistix 1]

I have people who are supportive, people who are nosy, people who are too wrapped up in themselves to think much about it. My husband is supportive but also scared that I won't follow the rules, and also scared that I'll get so thin that I'll leave him!

Ultimately, the person whose thoughts and feelings I need to listen to the most is ME!

[vlp1968 83]

I am lucky enough to have nothing but encouragement around me. All my friends and family are so excited for me. I am always getting compliments on how good I am looking. It really keeps me going!

[Bandmom 0]

I had wanted to keep mine as personal and private as possible, but it seems impossible. No one seemed to understand that this was something I felt was personal to my husband and me, and before I knew it EVERYONE knew. Not happy about that, but there it is and I just have to deal with it now. My co-workers do not know about it yet though.

I found that the majority of the indivduals that are truly close to me were happy, worried about the surgery as they would be any surgery, but so happy for me because they knew the issues the weight caused, and were supportive in my efforts to change.

My mother in law has made several comments about me not leaving her son when I get all thin. I mean come on, I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. I married him when I was thin, it isn't like I just "settled" on him because I was to fat to get anything else. I love him. Gets old.

I found many others just LOVED to tell those horror stories, well so and so has a cousin/brother/friend/sister/whatever, that had it done and they had this go wrong or that go wrong, or died.

I also found that those that had always seemed jealous or cranky that this just made it worse. A cousin who is over-weight but swears she isn't allowed this surgery because of her doctor saying it is just her thyroid (but yet she is gaining even more weight while on an ungodly amount of thyroid medicine) just went on and on about how she doesn't understand how anyone can do this to themselves with all the risks, and her doctor says this about it and that about it, and it just isn't healthy and you would have to be an idiot to go through with it. Oh and tell me is being this overweight all that healthy???? I mean really.

My husband and kids are 1000% supportive. They encourage me, and have done whatever we needed to ensure I succeed on this. And at the end of the day, they are all that really matter.

I am curious to see what the reaction is in a few months when I have dropped a visable amount of weight so that everyone has to take notice that I am no longer the "fat" girl. I may have a different posting at that time. :biggrin:

[HappyDay 0]

I opted not tell anyone except my husband, kids and closest friend (who is also my cardiologist). I also continue to attend weight watchers (although I'm eating fewer points than I'm supposed to on that plan) and I excercise a lot, so that explains the weight loss. I just didn't want to hear anyone else's opinons or prying questions........good luck to you!!

[elcee 3,341]

My mother in law has made several comments about me not leaving her son when I get all thin. I mean come on, I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. I married him when I was thin, it isn't like I just "settled" on him because I was to fat to get anything else. I love him. Gets old.

You started off skinny. He didn't leave you when you got fat so why should you leave him when you get thin AGAIN. Some people really don't get it do they.

[sweetbean70 2]

I have been very fortunate to not encounter any real negativity towards my decision to become banded. My hubby was a bit nervous when I first discussed the possibility of having this surgery. He was nervous b/c, after all, it is SURGERY. My family (except for my sis-in-law) have very been extremely supportive and complimentary. I am also blessed to work with a very caring and supportive staff (teacher here).

The "meanest" thing that has been said to me, so far, is..."I didn't think you were heavy enough to qualify for surgery." In actuality, I felt that I was being given a compliment. My sis-in-law has practically stopped speaking to me since I had my surgery. She has even stopped speaking to my parents. I truly think that her hostility is a direct result of me being banded and my mother having a gastric bypass (11/2009). My SIL was the thinnest of the three of us and I don't think she can accept the fact that I am now smaller than her. The only other situation happened when I met a friend that I haven't seen in over 2 years for dinner. She was always making snide comments about me being bigger than her. She did not make one comment about my weightloss. :biggrin:

[OnTheWay to Thin 0]

It is very mixed and varies for everyone. I did not initially tell everyone because I did not want to deal with the food police and other comments. But I am 1 year out now and have now told a few more. It is not really a secret just not something I share with everyone I know. I have had good comments, nasty comments, it just depends on the person. I have one friend I would like to strangle because she can't stop talking about it everytime I see her, and she has to share with others. And that is so totally not cool as far as I am concerned but I can't stop her from yacking so I have sort of given up on that. I guess I just dont want it to be the focus of every gathering, barbeque and so on, and when that person is there, invariably it comes up way too much for my liking.

On the positive side, a couple of people who know have made the decision to do the same for themselves so I feel like that was a positive from my surgery. I am a slower looser, so I dont want comments about how slow it is going, I am down 60lbs and I know that had I not had surgery I would probably be up 10-12 from a year ago, so all in all I am pleased. I just had another adjustment, so I am hoping that gets me moving again, if not I may have to get another one. Hang in there, and if you run into someone that is less than positive do your best to ignore it.

Edited May 25, 2010 by OnTheWay to Thin
typo

[misscristie 0]

Wow! I hope I don't have to deal with any of this mess further down the road, but I've always been pretty good about keeping toxic people out of my life. Maybe some more will crawl out of the woodwork! LOL

[marykb 0]

I've only told my husband, aunt and a very close friend. They have all been very supportive. I purposely didn't tell anyone I thought wouldn't be supportive, would behave like the food police, or would make snide comments to me.

I wish I could have more supportive people around me, but this is just how it is, so I need to get support where I can find it.

Mary

[theartoflosing 0]

My friends and family have been nothing but positive so far, but I'm worried about my friends. I'm worried about how the weight loss is going to change our relationships.

But right now I am noticing little things. Like trying to convince people that it's okay to eat around me, and that awkwardness of, for example, my two friends sharing a pizza and french fries while I'm sipping on a Protein shake. Or going out drinking with them.

And I feel like I'm annoying them by eating so little. I know it is partially my fault for being so proud of it, I should probably not boast. Not that what I was doing was really "boasting" but saying something like "Man, I can't even finish this Water."

And if I'm just proud about that, what about if/when I lose a lot a weight? What if I'm a total jerk?

Sorry. I think I went a little off topic there...

[NurseSophie 0]

I'm thankful for the encouraging words but even if I never hear one....I needed this lapband for my health and had nobody else in mind when I got it...I did it for ME and MY health. Fortunately, I am surrounded by amazing loving supportive people/friends/coworkers. The Bible defines friendship as "a friend loveth at all times"...so if someone is so shallow to walk away because of my success for my health, they weren't my friend. I always tell people how much their encouraging words mean to me and I have never even worried about who wasn't saying anything. Life is too short and this journey is too hard :-)

[tinksmom 0]

Change can temporarily destabilize any relationship. I thik it is normal for people to worry about this. If someone thinks they are going to "lose" you when you lose weight...like the activities you enjoyed will be dropped, or even that you'll find other friends that you'll like better...they may show their fear in discouraging remarks or do things to undermine your progress. If they care about you and you can be honest with each other ime should make them realize there is nothing to be afraid of. If not....well, we have all experienced "foul weather friends". They are the ones who want you to be at a disadvantage in some fashion to them. It could be income or education...or looks, like weight. If you get a new job, go back to school, get a new boyfriend, lose weight...whatever levels the playing field...you lose your role in their drama. It's hard to accept that someone who has been sooo supportive during the tough times can be so hurtful during the good butit helps to know that it is their problem...and always has been.

[sockmonkey 0]

This is my first post, I have yet to have my band placed and in the very starting phase of the process. I had to post here though because this is one of the prime issues I have with the band.

I have decided not to tell anyone but my husband and my immediate group of girlfriends. Not my expanded group of friends, not my extended family, not even my parents. I may decide this is a mistake and tell them, but I probably won't. I live on the other side of the country as my family so I'm pretty sure I can accomplish this, but part of me still feels like I'm cheating a bit. Logically I know this is untrue- this is a sound decision for my health. I just don't want to encounter any judgement. Most of my family is heavier than me and either struggling with their weight or not. I don't know... :smile2: