My husband isn't being supportive

[Kristy29 0]

Not in that he doesn't want me to have the surgery, but in that he thinks I will fail or quit. He keeps saying, oh you won't do it, you won't go through with it, you can't lose the 5%. :mad2: It's weird because he has been begging me to do surgery to lose weight for years, and now that I want to do it and am excited about it, he all of a sudden is being unsupportive. I have said straight to his face that I want him to encourage me but he won't do it. All he does is point out that I haven't started losing weight yet and I had pizza for dinner, and blah blah blah. Funny thing is that he decided we would have pizza for dinner tonight, but then made sure to bring it up while we were fighting. It almost seems like he did it on purpose. '

I just wish he could say things like I am proud of you for making this decision, for going to your appointments, for trying to change your life, for trying to get healthy so we can have a baby. It hurts inside every time I think about his comments.

Also, my surgeon is very very big on making sure we have a support system. I don't have any friends where I live, my parents are 1000 miles away in Florida and my sister is in Japan. Here where I live, he is all I have. So now I have to go into my psych eval and my support group and lie, or else I'm afraid they won't do the surgery. :cursing:

[Rsilversea 2]

Sounds like he's scared he's going to lose you when get skinny.

[BetsyB 9]

I'd be inclined to say to him, "I know I haven't had success in the past. Obesity is complicated, and it's not just about willpower. If it were, everyone who tried to lose weight would succeed---because we all have enough willpower to do it. We all know HOW to do it. But there is more to the equation.

The band is a tool that makes it easier to sustain the changes long-term. I know it won't be easy, and that the same behavior changes will be required as if I didn't have the band. The difference, this time, is that once I achieve restriction, the interminable hunger will be removed from the picture.

That alone will help me succeed. Add to it the fact that many people with bands cannot tolerate foods that contribute little nutritionally, but lots of calories--and the likelihood of success is far greater.

On the other hand, your repeated comments that I won't be able to do it, and that I won't even be able to lose 5 percent make me wonder. They do NOT make me wonder whether I will succeed; I know I will succeed, and your comments don't change my resolve at all. What they make me wonder is this: (a) does my husband really have so little faith in me, or is he ( afraid that I will succeed, and therefore somehow invested in keeping me fat?

I plan to have the surgery. I would like your support. If you cannot be supportive, I ask that you at least refrain from being negative. If you have fears of your own, you're welcome to join me at my next appointment so that my doctor can address them for you. But I expect the things you say to me to be things you would be okay with me saying to you, or to your mother, or to your sister."

Re: having a support system. I do have a supportive family, but really--it's a pretty solitary struggle. If your husband is generally supportive in other arenas of your life, I think you will do fine in terms of psych eval; it's pretty common for spouses to have reservations about bariatric surgery. Tell the psych you have a generally supportive relationship, that your husband is wary of surgery but not opposed, and that you've invited him to join you at your doctor's appointments so that he can become more comfortable.

Edited May 21, 2010 by BetsyB

[PuppyBandit 2]

It's verbal abuse in my opinion. Maybe you can find an online support group? Guys like that should be careful, they are scared their wife/gf will leave if they are skinny, they order pizza to keep you overweight and dependent. Put you down to keep you meek.

Are you living away from family due to his choice or yours? Abusers like to be the only person in your life, that way you have nobody to go to for help or support.

These people who put you down for weight really tick me off. They are verbally mean about it. Then big surprise when the wife/gf leaves them for someone who treats them well.

Find online support and good luck with your surgery. I hope you get it.

Is your hubby overweight?

Do not listen to him. Do not have surgery for him either. Only do it for yourself.

[Kristy29 0]

Hubby is a little overweight but not obese at all. When we met, I was living with my parents and he lived an hour and a half away. I moved in with him, and then we moved to the Poconos, which was about 2 hours from my parents. We made the choice together because it was a place where we could afford a house. Then my parents decided to move to Florida. So actually we are living away from them not by either of our choice.

[PuppyBandit 2]

I sure hope you get the support you need. I was with someone who put me down because of my weight and know how that feels. Good luck with your journey

[BetsyB 9]

You have made a choice to make your home in the Poconos.

What is preventing you from putting down real roots, establishing friendships, and building a life for yourselves in your new environment?

While your husband's lack of support is not ideal, you have to assume responsibility for your own happiness.

The marriage relationship is very important. But it is not adequate to meet all of the needs of each partner---and expecting your husband to meet all your needs really is not fair to him.

Unless you are being deliberately isolated from others, I would be more likely to attribute his lack of support to lack of understanding of the difficulties you face in terms of weight loss---not malice and abuse (though the undermining verges on abusive behavior), but ignorance.

Did he attend your surgeon's seminar with you? Will he attend an office visit or one of your preop classes (if you have them)? What can you do to make him feel more comfortable about the prospect of his wife having surgery to address her weight issues?

And where else can you get support, so that he does not feel he must meet all your needs?

[Kristy29 0]

Well I have some friends here, but they aren't what I would consider close friends. People at work, etc. They aren't the kind of people I would turn to for support with my surgery. Yes, they might see me and say some encouraging things if I've lost weight, but they aren't the kind of people I will unload on if things are going wrong or if I'm struggling.

My husband would be who I would choose to turn to in those instances, but I am afraid that the whole time I am going through the weight loss, if I mention to him that something hurts or I am hungry or something, he will say see you are failing, why don't you just quit.

We had another argument today about it. He kept pointing out that I haven't started a real diet yet, and he doesn't see how I am going to lose 15 lbs in 3 months. Which yes, I am still not eating great, but I am trying a little. I am trying to do this slow, because every time I get gung ho into a diet from the start and then get hungry and fail, so I am trying something different this time, and it is also how my doctor suggests we do it.

They said cut out Snacks first. I have tried, but sometimes I am hungry. I work from 4-10, and usually eat lunch around 2 and then dinner around 10:15. So sometimes while I am working I get very hungry. Well the last few times that happened I ate a small bag of plain almonds. Also, a few times when I was hungry at home, I had a pickle or a yogurt. Well, he pointed these things out to me as failures. But I don't think they were failures, because they were better choices than some other foods. I work at a pharmacy, and could easily eat a bag of chips, Cookies or candy, it's everywhere. But instead I chose to eat one of the very few healthy Snacks we carry. And really, does he think that me eating a pickle is what's going to prevent from losing weight??

[Mikissa 0]

I'm so sorry that your hubby isn't being supportive. He could be afraid of the Hot Momma he'll have on his hands when you lose the weight. Just know that you have support on here and we have walked in your shoes so to speak about the surgery. Best of luck and don't get discouraged. P.S. We all ate whatever junkfood we could while we were still unbanded b/c we knew that there would be a day we couldn't. Go for it.

[BetsyB 9]

He kept pointing out that I haven't started a real diet yet, and he doesn't see how I am going to lose 15 lbs in 3 months

This may chafe to hear (from him and from me), but it's a very valid concern.

You say that you haven't started eating in the way that will foster this loss--that you're "trying a little." His concern is based on reality. It is going to be difficult to lose 15 pounds in 3 months--and it will likely require a lot more effort than you are making.

That said, I realize it's not helpful for him to comment in the way he's commenting.

It seems as though you have a real miscommunication going on. I am sure, if we were to ask him, he'd say he WAS being supportive. Guys are often "fixers." You say, "I need support," and what he hears is, "Fix this for me."

And his way of fixing? Annoyingly pointing out that you're eating a pickle between meals. Not cheering you for choosing a pickle instead of chocolate---but noting that you are, in fact, deviating from what he thinks you should be doing.

I think it would be a very, very good idea for him to attend your appointment with the doctor. (Ask him to lay off the weight comments before that meeting; if your doctor is like most, your starting weight will be recorded at this appointment, and you will need to lose 15 pounds from that point forward. If you've already lost a lot, then it may be more difficult to maintain a good rate of loss.)

He will get a better idea of what is really expected of you--and what support will be available---so that he can "retire" from this self-appointed job of monitoring what you eat.

It's not his job. It's your job. (If you've asked him to help, you'll need to UN-ask him. Fire him! Let him be your partner, not your probation officer.)

He's NOT the one to turn to for guidance. He's not the one to whom you should report your eating transgressions. He's not your eating accountability partner. Those things are your responsibility. You can't complain about his input if you're putting him in an impossible-to-win situation.

There are hundreds of people here who can give you good feedback on your eating. Let him be your husband--let him love you and support you in other ways.

(And I'd work hard to cultivate some real, deeper friendships. I moved far away from my family, too--and I know how difficult it is, and how alone you can feel. But you have it 100 percent in YOUR control to forge deeper connections with people in your life so that you do not feel alone and isolated and unsupported. You may want your husband to be all things to you--but he can't be. He just can't.)

[tallgirl 2]

Dear Kristy29; I know exactly what you are talking about. My husband was not supportive of me getting the Lap-Band either. We have been arguing back and forth for months about this. I am getting it so I can loose weight and become pregnant. So every time he is mad, he say.."so, we can't have a baby because you can't loose some weight?" Well....yeah, I guess so. So this last time we argued, I told him that he really need to stop or get out! I AM getting this Lap Band! And I AM going to loose this weight and become healthy. I tried to explain to him that me with food is like any other addict. You sit there with a bottle of Vodka and ask an alcoholic to drink it....he probably would. He needs help from people around him to stay away and make better choices. I told him that it is hard for me to stay away from food and Desserts when he keeps baking and buying it. Yeah, I know that I have to change all of that, and I know that it is up to me. All I am saying is that it is hard...it is hard being addicted to food and feeling like you are always hungry. After our talk he said "okay, I will be supportive, anything you need"! So, last couple of weeks, he has been eating all of his goodies in the basement, and he doesn't tell me about it. And it is working for me! I just wanted him to understand that it is hard for me, just like it is hard for him to stop smoking!!!!!