non supportive spouse

[karmaandkismet 0]

I went to my seminar the other night and I have made my appointments with my PCP, the nutritionist, and to have my psychology eval. I've also started rounding up medical records they'll need for documentation. And last, but not least, I've called the insurance company.

My husband was vehemently opposed to this when I first mentioned it to him. There were a few fights that ended up in me crying hysterically. I pretty much wrote him an email and said that this was something I had to do for myself and it would mean a lot to me for him to be supportive. He seems a little more on board than before, although that seems to be just not talking about it when I tell him I've made certain appointments. He just seems to ingore what I tell him rather than actually arguing with me.

Has anybody else gone through this with a spouse who was not supportive and they felt they had to to go through it alone. My kids are very supportive (even though they're teenagers) and the few friends that I've told are supportive.:biggrin:

[losethemess 14]

My husband opposes the idea of me having the surgery as well. He basically told me that I had not tried hard enough on my own to lose the weight. I also think that he feels that surgery it very dangerous and drastic. After I cried hysterically and pleaded with him to support me I realized, that this is something that I have to do with or without his support. It's me who is suffering because of this weight. I'm the one who miserable everyday, I'm the one with incredible joint pain and discomfort. I've decided that this is not a game, this is something that I must do and I will just have to encourage myself. Luckily I've had to go through the 6 month medically supervised weight lose program. Currently on month 3. I think this period will give my husband time to get used to the idea that I am having the surgery. Hopefully he's come around, if not ohhh well. My advice, don't try to explain it to him anymore, give him time to get used to the idea.

[karmaandkismet 0]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I guess just like its hard for them to understand why we want to do this, its hard for me to understand why he wouldn't want me to.

I've given up discussing it with him. I do email him updates as to what paperwork I have, what appointments I have. Of course, he never comments. Its kind of like the pink elephant in the room. But I do have the encouragement and support of my friends and I will look to them if he never decides to get on board with this.:eek:

[heavenly84 0]

My Boyfriend of five years is an ass.. I have done the banding and I have dropped about 55lbs.. Now were at the same weight ! This, or My sucess is killing Him! He now take me out and splurges on sulpee's blizards chips hostess crap begs me to particapate in his junk food buffet.. He has signed up at our local gym ... to support me ??? NO to pay $300.00 on his own personal traniner and fitness boot camp.. and wont wait to walk the dogs together even though we get home in minutes with in each other.. then runs in to the bath room HONEYYYY ! I'm at blah blah what are you? I have stopped weighing my self at home just in the privacy of the ladies locker room.. He said comments oh your going to leave me and whos calling you and Oh why are you looking in the direction of that man... I dont recieve any complaments. I'm getting really tired of his crap support me not work againest me. I feel ... Mad that he wants to compeat.

[Rsilversea 2]

Sounds like it's time for a new boyfriend. Sorry to be blunt but he doesn't sound like a winner.

[Nean4488 1]

My Boyfriend of five years is an ass.. I have done the banding and I have dropped about 55lbs.. Now were at the same weight ! This, or My sucess is killing Him! He now take me out and splurges on sulpee's blizards chips hostess crap begs me to particapate in his junk food buffet.. He has signed up at our local gym ... to support me ??? NO to pay $300.00 on his own personal traniner and fitness boot camp.. and wont wait to walk the dogs together even though we get home in minutes with in each other.. then runs in to the bath room HONEYYYY ! I'm at blah blah what are you? I have stopped weighing my self at home just in the privacy of the ladies locker room.. He said comments oh your going to leave me and whos calling you and Oh why are you looking in the direction of that man... I dont recieve any complaments. I'm getting really tired of his crap support me not work againest me. I feel ... Mad that he wants to compeat.

This is really sad. You should be with someone that supports you! But maybe he is scared you are going to leave him when you get skinny, he sounds very insecure.

[Havens 0]

I'm so sorry:sad: Some men who are very insecure would rather be with someone who is either heavy or not so pretty. I'm sure you are pretty. The extra weight that you had kept him more confident that no one else would want you, but that is a load of crap, because there are plenty of men out there who like a full figured women. He is jealous and it's very sad for him. The only thing he is doing by acting this way is pushing you further away from him. My husband knew of a lady who, when she lost A LOT of weight, did leave her husband of quite a few years. I'm not saying you will, but I wonder if your right...he thinks you will. I don't know what to tell you about how to handle it or even how to talk to him about it. I don't know his personality. You will have to decide if being with him and his comments and being so competitive is worth it. Good luck with everything.:eek:

[stefaniwg 172]

I am not banded yet but I will be in a week (May 3rd). My husband and I started dating in high school and I was extra skinny(that was 11 years ago). Over the years I have gained a ton of weight and him maybe 15lbs. Now that I am getting the lapband he does fear that our relationship might change. About 20 of his co-workers have had the surgery and most of them have changed for the worst (bad attitude towards others, stuck up, leaving their spouses etc) therefore he naturally has this fear. He is around these people 40 hours a week but he is 100% supportive of me getting the lapband because he wants me to be healthy and to feel good about myself again. I was I guess you could say over confident about myself when I was in high school and since I have gained alot of weight I am down to earth and truly humble so I fear that I might change. I love the person I am today just not my weight. We have decided to seek counseling if this does become a problem because we have a wonderful relationship, great daughter and want more children. But I want to be healthy for my family as well as myself. So my advice to you would be to seek conseling. Talking to a professional can help since they cannot give a bias opinion on your situation. If he can't understand then maybe he isn't the one. Good luck to you and I wish you the best in your realtionship.

[RavenClaw779 2]

My husband has neither of my demons - a history of child abuse and an addiction to food. I was normal weight when we met 15 years ago and put on 143 pounds so you'd think that he'd have been all "Rah Rah" when I said I was going to look into this. He even went to the info seminar for me. After it was over he told me that I, "just need to try harder..." and almost had me convinced not to pursue this. Is he supportive now - so-so, but still don't think he gets it - the "it" being that inside voice driving me to eat and eat and eat and probably never will.

Now if he became a "total ass", I'd "Kick 'em to the curb, girl!" :scared2:

[agiudice 0]

my boyfriend of 15 years is also non supportive, he does fear in his head that I might leave him. The reality is I might, not just because I'm thin. I've left him fat. But because he's a big ASS. Me being fat has nothing to do with that.

I have no real support either. My mom who lives with us is jealous, my kids are really to young.

[coloradobanding 5]

It TRULY breaks my heart to hear about all my future soon-to-be bandsters with little or no support for their journey.

This is something you need to do for YOURSELF and NO ONE ELSE!!! No one else is there with you whle you're crying because you're miserable, no one else is there with you when you look at your naked body and start to cry, no one else is there with you when you feel so horrible about yourself you don't want to get out of bed. Guess who the only one who is there? You!! You can put on your "happy face" for all to see, but we ALL know how awful being overweight is.

I can tell you that I am SUPER LUCKY to have a FULLY supportive husband and cherish that every day.

BUT if he was not supportive, I would've done it anyway and likely abandoned him for someone who would support me. I have my own body, my own mind and my own life that ONLY I am accountable for!! I WOULD NOT give up having surgery FOR ANYTHING..it was the absolute BEST thing that happened in my life other than my family.

I hope you all find the strength within to do whatever needs to be done to be successful on this joureny. It is NOT easy and you can use all the help you can get!!

[agiudice 0]

as much as I would love support, I do not and have never sat around and cried about being fat. I've been fat now for 11 years at a fairly steady weight. I refuse to let this effect my outlook on life. I still do the same things as when I was thin, ride my horses, dance, etc

As for going out I still get hit on and never felt unattractive...

I'm just saddled with a jerk of a man....:redface:

[lauragshsu 6]

My husband was opposed to it to, telling me I didn't need surgery. After a few arguments I flat out told him I didn't think I'd live to see our daughter (who is 2) walk down the aisle if I didn't do something NOW. He finally came clean and told me he was worried I would die on the operating table. That's when I showed him the videos of the surgery (I found two videos, one of the surgery from an internal and one from an external point of view). I also showed him all the credentials of my surgeon, his stats when it came to band-related problems, etc.

I think some men are just afraid to truely express how they're feeling or what they're worried about, which makes them act like asses. Then again, some men are just asses.

[prettyinpink 2]

I had the same thing happen to me when I first started going to seminars, making Dr. appointments, etc. However, for my husband, the issue was financial. I was a self pay and he did not want to spend the money. Also, my weight has never been a problem for him. I have to say, he has loved me through "thick" and "thinner". He really didn't think I needed to have the surgery, but I did this for ME!!! And that is what you really need to take a look at. It's hard when your married though, because it's supposed to be a "we" thing, not an "I" thing. And if you are like me, you probably don't feel comfortable doing something without his blessing. I had my husband go with me to the seminars so he could hear for himself and ask questions. He eventually agreed to the surgery, but I still did not feel like I had his total support. My drive time to the surgery center from my hometown was 2 1/2 hours, and we fought about it the whole way to Kansas City. Talk about miserable! I really needed his support - most of all on that day. I was already scared (for nothing, I might add....looking back the surgery was pretty simple and it is safe), and the last thing I needed that day was to have to go under the knife being a nervous wreck from arguing all morning. I must to say in my husband's defense, that he is a wonderful man and usually treats me very well, but this was a real issue for him at first. Since the surgery, he has been very supportive and he now sees what a difference it has made in OUR life and OUR marriage. Before I lost weight, the whole family had to suffer because I couldn't/didn't want to /didn't feel like doing things they wanted to do (e.g.: going swimming, going on rides at an amusement park, riding a bike, hiking a trail, etc.) Now I can join in and enjoy the fun. He also sees the difference in my confidence level and my health. He now agrees it was probably the best thing I ever did!:redface: Hang in there!

[JustDee 0]

I had the same thing happen to me when I first started going to seminars, making Dr. appointments, etc. However, for my husband, the issue was financial. I was a self pay and he did not want to spend the money. Also, my weight has never been a problem for him. I have to say, he has loved me through "thick" and "thinner". He really didn't think I needed to have the surgery, but I did this for ME!!! And that is what you really need to take a look at. It's hard when your married though, because it's supposed to be a "we" thing, not an "I" thing. And if you are like me, you probably don't feel comfortable doing something without his blessing. I had my husband go with me to the seminars so he could hear for himself and ask questions. He eventually agreed to the surgery, but I still did not feel like I had his total support. My drive time to the surgery center from my hometown was 2 1/2 hours, and we fought about it the whole way to Kansas City. Talk about miserable! I really needed his support - most of all on that day. I was already scared (for nothing, I might add....looking back the surgery was pretty simple and it is safe), and the last thing I needed that day was to have to go under the knife being a nervous wreck from arguing all morning. I must to say in my husband's defense, that he is a wonderful man and usually treats me very well, but this was a real issue for him at first. Since the surgery, he has been very supportive and he now sees what a difference it has made in OUR life and OUR marriage. Before I lost weight, the whole family had to suffer because I couldn't/didn't want to /didn't feel like doing things they wanted to do (e.g.: going swimming, going on rides at an amusement park, riding a bike, hiking a trail, etc.) Now I can join in and enjoy the fun. He also sees the difference in my confidence level and my health. He now agrees it was probably the best thing I ever did!:smile: Hang in there!

I thought i would chime in on this from a male point. I am 335 pounds and am booked with Dr Ortiz on June 28 th for my Lap Band. My wife is supportive of me and has stood by me through thick and thin. She is worried about the procedure and us going to Mexico to have it done. We have read on these boards for hours and watched videos and done research and so on and i think she is finally convinced that it is for the best and that i will be ok.

She has joked that when i lose all my weight that i will leave her for another woman. Thats the farthest thing from the truth. She has supported me through thick and thin (pardon the pun and i am doing this as much for her as i am doing it for me.. I want her to be walking on the clouds when were out in public and not worrying about what everybody thinks about the big fat guy.

I am sure your partners are more worried about the operation and the safety of it. If they are trying to sabotage you its because most men have a petty mindset. I know as an insecure male that the thought of losing my wife/girlfriend would probbaly drive me to do some stupid things, but at the end of the day i would want what is best for my partner.

I am a good enough father and husband to be secure in the fact that no matter what the size of my partner that they love me for me.