female only Sex with a New Man

[ptmyers 1]

My husband died 2 1/2 yrs ago and I had LAP-BAND® surgery 15 months ago. I've had no sex (with a person!) since DH died. Now I've lost 60 lbs and I'm flabby and lumpy everywhere. Recently have gotten reacquainted via internet with an old friend. Things are getting steamy fast and I'm scared to death. For starters, I'm not the young, slim thing I was back then. He's not young either. No big deal there. However, I'm worried sick that we'll get together (we're in the same state) and at some point I'll "need" to take my clothes off. Has anyone else confronted this issue? Also, does feeling the port below your skin turn the guys off? Does it hurt in the port area to have sex in the missionary position? I haven't even told him about the surgery. I'm such a coward. Any help?

[Humming Bird 275]

Well, here's my 2 cents worth. I say tell him about the surgery. Once it's out, it's out and you can move forward (what ever forward may be). After you have told him about the surgery, at some point I think you should tell him how you feel a little skittish about intimacy. If things are already heating up, but not gotten phyiscal yet, this will get it all out in the open.

It will also give him a chance to think about it a little.

If things go farther after all that and you start seeing him in person ....... go out a few times .......Then have sex! I have not had any port discomfort personally when I have sex.

[ptmyers 1]

Thanks, Humming Bird, for your answer. The thought of telling him about the surgery just terrifies me. I really like this guy and I'm so scared he'll be turned off if I tell him. Realistically, I KNOW that I would have to tell him sooner or later. If we get physical (and it sure seems like we will), I'd have to explain this port in my belly somehow. My friend said to just say it's my "plug" and that all women have them. Seriously, I want to tell him but I'm just so cowardly.

And then, assuming we get past the surgery issue, what about all the flabby, lumpy stomach and legs? Has that been a problem for you?

Thanks.

[Humming Bird 275]

If you tell him about the surgery that will explain the rest. If he has a problem with it, he will stop talking so much with you. You may get your feelings hurt, but at least you will know.

I don't have much problem with my belly or legs. I still have some weight to take off, but after an 80 lb loss, my arms and boobs are the things that are saggin'.

I have been with the same man for 24 years, so he has seen me all sizes from a 7 to a 24.

[ptmyers 1]

You're right. I'll probably be talking to him tonight and I will try to tell him. I don't want to lose touch with him after I've just found him again but I might as well get it over with and see how he feels about it. If he's totally repulsed, then it wasn't meant to be anyway.

[LeighaMason 19]

I asked my husband about this for you, he said "any port in a storm", OK he is a real smart ass but then he said you should tell the guy so if he feels it he wont have questions during your intimate time. He also said that women are much more critical of their bodies than guys are. What you see as flab he sees as possibilities.

[Spartan 4]

From a guy's perspective, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. If he really cares about you, then it's not gonna make any difference. And you answered it yourself, really, by saying that if he DOES have a problem with it, then it was probably not meant to be. And I would certainly agree with that. At this point in your life, you don't need that kind of shallowness.

And, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband....that is always a hard thing to go through. But, it sounds like you have pulled your life together and are moving ahead, which is certainly the right thing to do. There really is love and happiness out there for you.

As far as telling him.....I would just see how it goes. Maybe wait until you meet and have dinner or something. If you tell him about it before you meet, then he might have some preconceived notions about how you should look or something..... you don't want to make your weight an issue in his mind.

But I think I would tell him BEFORE you are intimate with him, in case he does "find" something that he isn't expecting.

So, don't be concerned about what he thinks about it, I think it will be a non-issue.

And do tell him before he gives you a "fill"......

S.

[ptmyers 1]

Thanks, Leigha, for your answer. I love your husband's "any port in a storm" remark. He sounds like a good guy.

And thanks to you, Spartan, for a guy's perspective. I really like hearing how a guy would feel about this. I wish I had read your post earlier tonight. I think waiting until we met for dinner and then telling him would have been a good idea. I didn't think about how he might have preconceived notions or expectations, knowing that I've had WL surgery. And I certainly don't want to make my weight an issue in his mind. That's the LAST thing I want him thinking about!! . . . . However, when we were emailing back and forth tonight, I took a big breath and just typed it big and bold. That was my last email for the night and he had already signed off. So I won't know until I hear from him tomorrow - IF I hear from him tomorrow - how he feels about this. If I don't hear from him, then I guess I'll have my answer. I sincerely hope he's not that shallow and that this doesn't put an end to a developing relationship. Life was so much easier when I was married.

[Humming Bird 275]

I hope it all works out good for you. It sounds like you are enjoying your friend already. Were you overweight the last time he saw you in person? Everyone changes over the years anyway. Keep your chin up. Focus on how good it feels to have shed the pounds you have.

[ptmyers 1]

Thanks, Humming Bird. I hope it works out too. But, either way, I'm glad I told him. The way we were headed, I would definitely have had "some splaining to do" (as Ricky would have said to Lucy). I haven't heard from him yet, but it's very early. I'm on Eastern Time and he's on Central. And, no, the last time I saw him I was not overweight. It was 35 years ago and we were in college. The years don't really bother me because he's 35 years older too, but the weight definitely does. Here's hoping . . . .

[LeighaMason 19]

Don't worry, if he is the right guy he will be fine, if he isn't the right guy your band has saved you again! I have decided that my band is multi-functional, not only does it control my eating but it is also a shallow people sorter, when shallow people find out about it they run like they are on fire. I'm not sure how it works but it does.

[NewYearNewMe2010 0]

Well??? Have you heard from him?

[ptmyers 1]

All I've heard is just a brief message that "everything is OK" with a note that we'd "talk later". I haven't talked to him "later" yet, but remember he is on a later time zone than I am. I'm very anxious, but somewhat reassured by his quick note this afternoon.

Thanks for asking.

[Spartan 4]

Yes, PT, I'm afraid you have initiated something of a Soap Opera....and we're all watching......lol.....

[ptmyers 1]

Well, I finally did talk to my friend last night. And the funny thing is, he never even mentioned the lapband surgery and neither did I. It seems to be a non-issue. He did, however, express the same anxiety about HIS body that I am feeling. Who would have thought? He even went so far as to say that he doubted he'd be "up" for the occasion if we were to be intimate any time soon. So we agreed to meet for lunch or dinner sometime in the near future and KEEP OUR CLOTHES ON. Even though we're in the same state, there is about a four-hour drive between us. I'm so relieved. I still have all the issues about the flabby belly, etc. but at least I don't have to worry about him stumbling over my port and wondering, "what the hell?" That would most certainly deflate the moment.

Thanks to everyone for their support and encouragement. I could not have gotten up the nerve to tell him without your help.

Pam