So Upset

[gingerjane 5]

So, my husband confesses to me today that his parents know about my surgery. I didn't want them to know because in the past they have made nasty comments about my weight and they're the type that would watch everything I eat and make snarky comments. He also has a sister that revels in showing how thin she is compared to me. (I could go on and on about the comments but won't because then I will start crying)

Turns out my mom slipped and mentioned something about my procedure to them. She just said "Yea they found a hernia too". Well, I told them I was having hernia surgery. So, his dad asks him why he's lying to him and to fess up. So, he does. He tells them. And he doesn't understand why I'm upset.

I've cried since he told me. (About 2 hours ago) These were people I did NOT want to know. So I asked him "Well, will they tell your sister" and he's like "I don't know".

And now he's mad at me for being upset about it.

I just had to come here and vent for a second. I'm hurt, upset and distraught. Now, they'll be watching every single thing I eat.

Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation? I just want to put my head under the blankets and sob right now. I feel like he betrayed me. And to make matters worse, this was TUESDAY and he's just telling me TODAY.

:w00t:

Heartbroken...

[BetsyB 9]

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry you got blindsided. And I do understand your feelings.

But they were already watching what you ate---now isn't going to be any different. It's what they do.

They sound like miserable humans. It's a shame your husband will not stand up to them for you. If my parents or sister were unpleasant to my spouse, I'd certainly put 'em in their place!

I'm sorry that, instead, he's upset with you. Guys just don't get it sometimes.

Can you avoid the Misery Family? I don't think I'd want to spend much time with people who were so unpleasant to me.

[Lillie24 2]

Ginger I am so sorry you are having to adjust to this stress and feeling of betrayal.

His parents sound like they would have been watching you no matter what and probably waiting for a chance to make more comments.

I wouldn't stress about it. Remember that you are doing this for you and no one else. It doesn't matter what they think or what they say. But....Instead of being upset, go ahead and think of quick responses to the parents or the sister when they decide to make comments. The kind that you can say and walk away from the conversation feeling better.

[LeighaMason 19]

Poor baby, I wish I could help you. I know your husband just doesn't get it but he did not do this on purpose, try and keep that in mind.

Can I tell you a story about my SIL from HELL? For years she terrorized me, mostly about my weight, starting when we were 21, well guess what? Now we are 40, I have my lap band and I am much smaller than she is and she cant stand it but she cant have it WLS because she talked so bad about me when I did. People can not keep their real personalities hidden for 20 years. So by now she has pissed off everyone in the family royally at least once and everybody knows what a horrible person she really is and nobody likes her. It all comes out eventually, you reap what you sow, the waiting just sucks.

You just keep being the sweet girl you are (I have read a lot of your posts) and let those people keep being who they are. When someone is mean to me I always say in the back of my mind "Thats OK because I get to go home and be me and you have to stay here and be you, for the rest of your life, and I cant think of a worse punishment." Then I go like this I hope you feel better soon.

[Bree99 1]

Gingerjane,

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Please tell your husband and your mother why you are upset. I'll tell you a secret! Very soon you will be losing so much weight and be so pleased with yourself that no one will be able to bring you down. Avoid these people if you can and if you can't then tell them what you weigh and what you eat are none of their business. You can do it!

[scpd755 0]

All I can add to the advice above is soon you will be thin and happy, they will still be miserable assholes!

[Manda87 3]

Awwww. You have to stand up for yourself if they say something. Try "Who died and made you food police?" I can't stand people like that. Apparently they feel bad about themselves and need to be mean to someone to feel better.

[RavenClaw779 2]

GingerJane - I feel for you and though I don't have quite the toxic in law situation you have, I do have a MIL and SIL who simply cannot keep their mouths closed and feel compelled to blabber to everyone. That said, I find a good offense makes the best defense. What do I mean? Some people might call it "doing an end run" or "cutting them off at the pass" or in the immortal words of Barney Fife, "Nip It - Nip It In The Bud!"

Chin up - shoulders back and throw this at 'em:

- "Yes, I have decided to take charge of my weight issue with gastric band surgery. My doctor and I agree that this is the best method for me. I am so blessed that your wonderful son(insert his name) supports me all the way. Thanks so much for your caring and support(insert names of in-laws)!"

In this way you've established the following:

1) You are in charge of your body/life/decisions.

2) You have "professional" support.

3) You have their son's support.

4) You flatter them though they likely don't deserve it.

Then every time they bring it up, pretend you're WLS Barbie and repeat the same phrase - over and over until they give up. As an alternative you can also do as we do in the South..."Why Sugar - we've talked about my plans so many times I'm afraid we're jus' borin' everyone...so let's talk about your(vacation plans, garden, colonoscopy...you get it - deflect, defer, ignore...).

As far as your husband goes, I'd be as direct. He is married to you and has left his parents' home - you are to be his #1 priority and you should feel comfortable in confiding in him without feeling like he's going to run off and blab to whomever. I'd tell him how very disappointed in him you are - and hey - the silent treatment has yet to kill any man!

[Barbwired 13]

I'm so sorry and I totally understand how hurt you must be. Just hold your head up high and take care of yourself and when you've lost all of the weight they'll realize that you did what worked best for YOU and maybe they'll understand that losing weight is not as easy for some of us as it is for others.

As for your husband... I sure hope he realizes what a betrayal of your trust this was and that he is sorry for what he did.

I'm sending good wishes and hugs your way. Keep your chin up honey, better days are ahead!!!

[dees-only-girl 0]

Hey girl...I know you only want people to know that will offer their support to you - me too. I found out more people know about my sx that I let know ( I only let 3 people know and I trust them). Well this was courtesy of my husband. I was upset at first, then I decided I that when someone made a comment I would say

"Everyone has got unattractive things about them and I was fortunate to be able to see mine and finally do something about it." I haven't had the opportunity to express that sentiment yet, and I hope I don't get flustered and forget to say it. I got banded on 2/26/10 and I would do it again...so that comment is very true. Good luck and I'm sure you will get more comfortable with your life choices. At least you did make this life-changing decision - only for yourself.

[illinoishusker 0]

I'd be ticked too. 1st off, stand up for yourself. If asked, I'd say, "I didn't tell you, b/c you treat me like @$@#$ and make me feel like @$@$#@" "so why would I expect any support from you?"

Then I'd lay down the rules. I'd tell them that you will not allow any disrespect and/or persecution. YOu will not put up with it.

Don't let anyone treat you like crap. YOu don't deserve it.

[Mrs Beasley 0]

I totally know how you feel because there are only like 3 people in the world that know I had my surgery. (That I know I have told)

My husband does not get why I don't want anyone to know about it. He thinks I am ridiculous and everything is a secret.

Tonight was truly the reason I don't want anyone to know. The 3 people that know were with me and we were having a get together with other people and I ate some things for the first time that I normally have not eaten since my surgery. I could tell by the look on their faces that they questioned what I was eating. And it was also everything my nutrionist has told me I can eat but I just have not because I am trying to stay on a regular meal plan. They did not say anything but I could tell they wanted to say "should you be eating that?"

Well, all I have to say is the first time one of your inlaws say something to you about what you eat. Kindly explain to them "that comment you just made is the reason why I did not want you to know, now you must understand" I know that sounds harsh but it is your own personal business what you do in your personal life.

[Humming Bird 275]

Wear your band like a badge of honor! Take pride in it!

If there are snarky comments made, just turn it around to something positive. If someone says something about what you are eating, just say, ( with the biggest smile on your face) "Isn't it amazing!, I've lost XX pounds already! I love my band! It's the best thing I could have ever done for myself! I wish more people could be as lucky as I am!"

[gingerjane 5]

Thank you everyone for your support. I have to be honest, it's been a rough night. My husband and I have been arguing over it because he does not feel like he's done anything wrong and I'm still hurt.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind it.

I wish that his family would butt out. They are the reason for 99% of our fights.

[NewYearNewMe2010 0]

All I can add to the advice above is soon you will be thin and happy, they will still be miserable assholes!

That is GREAT!!!! I agree but I am sorry you are going through this now.