My Husband Is Driving me Nuts!

[~amy~ 1]

I can totally relate. My DH does the same thing. While I was on the pre-op liquid diet, he would come home with my favorite fast food and actually wave it in my face. He has the attitude of another poster - that it's not his problem, but mine...but he's actually more obese than I am. He says that I chose this and I need to learn to live with my decision.

The problem I have with this reasoning is that it doesn't take into account what our marriage is supposed to represent....a TEAM. When one person makes a decision to do something better for herself, the other person should at least TRY to support that decision instead of intentionally trying to sabotage it, which is what I believe my DH is doing when he gets mad if I don't want to fix him ice cream in the evening. (HELLOOOOO, Don't you have legs???)

My DH gets this honestly from his father...as he was the one who called several nights ago to "just let ya know I just had a huge bowl of chicken and dumplings and I'm working on my 2nd brownie right now. How do ya feel about that?" While I definitely wanted to slap the FIL, I take more offense to my DH's behavior because he's my partner, my team mate...and he's supposed to protect me from harm, not create more opportunities for it.

This is not to say that I don't believe that I alone bear the most responsibility of anyone for my own decisions and weight loss. I know that I am the one who has to make the committment to stay away from unhealthy food, and I have no problem with that aspect of it. I just wish that decision didn't include having to stay away from my husband, too.

[SoccerMomma73 1,867]

I can totally relate. My DH does the same thing. While I was on the pre-op liquid diet, he would come home with my favorite fast food and actually wave it in my face. He has the attitude of another poster - that it's not his problem, but mine...but he's actually more obese than I am. He says that I chose this and I need to learn to live with my decision.

The problem I have with this reasoning is that it doesn't take into account what our marriage is supposed to represent....a TEAM. When one person makes a decision to do something better for herself, the other person should at least TRY to support that decision instead of intentionally trying to sabotage it, which is what I believe my DH is doing when he gets mad if I don't want to fix him ice cream in the evening. (HELLOOOOO, Don't you have legs???)

My DH gets this honestly from his father...as he was the one who called several nights ago to "just let ya know I just had a huge bowl of chicken and dumplings and I'm working on my 2nd brownie right now. How do ya feel about that?" While I definitely wanted to slap the FIL, I take more offense to my DH's behavior because he's my partner, my team mate...and he's supposed to protect me from harm, not create more opportunities for it.

This is not to say that I don't believe that I alone bear the most responsibility of anyone for my own decisions and weight loss. I know that I am the one who has to make the committment to stay away from unhealthy food, and I have no problem with that aspect of it. I just wish that decision didn't include having to stay away from my husband, too. :thumbup:

Ya know, I get that this is your problem not his, and your decision, not his but I'd really have an issue with him not supporting me at all....but then again, maybe why I'm divorced! Good luck. We can't make it better for you at home but please know we're all here and rooting for ya!

[Cocoabean 430]

I can totally relate. My DH does the same thing. While I was on the pre-op liquid diet, he would come home with my favorite fast food and actually wave it in my face. He has the attitude of another poster - that it's not his problem, but mine...but he's actually more obese than I am. He says that I chose this and I need to learn to live with my decision.

I snipped your post here and there.

I am curious...did your husband say he would be supportive before your surgery? Relationships can change drastically post-op. Especially if you were eating buddies before. He may also be feeling very threatened by the changes about to occur with you.

His attitude is not exactly that of the previous poster. She did not say that others in her house waved food in front of her, nor did she say they had the right to do so. That is just down-right mean spirited, and meant to hurt. To me, not the same thing as other members of the household needing to eat. Perhaps it is a fine line between bringing my favorite food into the house while I cannot eat it and waving it in front of me in order to sabotage me.

"just let ya know I just had a huge bowl of chicken and dumplings and I'm working on my 2nd brownie right now. How do ya feel

about that?"

My response would be, "I hope you enjoyed it. My cholesterol is 198!"

While I definitely wanted to slap the FIL, I take more offense to my DH's behavior because he's my partner, my team mate...and he's supposed to protect me from harm, not create more opportunities for it.

This is not to say that I don't believe that I alone bear the most responsibility of anyone for my own decisions and weight loss. I know that I am the one who has to make the committment to stay away from unhealthy food, and I have no problem with that aspect of it. I just wish that decision didn't include having to stay away from my husband, too. :thumbup:

Hopefully you'll be able to communicate to him how hurt you are by his actions. That you had this surgery to be healthier and be around longer for him and your family. This surgery affects you and everyone around you.

And the ice cream thing? Yeah, "Bite me, Hun, if you want it, get yer own!" But that's me. My DH and I don't wait on each other like that.

Best wishes to you!

[MrsCabes 2]

Okay - the OP is 10 days out of surgery! Not 6 months. Venting because of a NEW situation is entirely understandable!

If it's been months and months and the mental cravings are still so powerful (we do see a psychologist, before surgery, for a reason!), then, yes, there are issues that need to be resolved.

I am 16 days out of surgery - I'm 39 days away from the first day of my pre-op diet (#34 down!), believe me, the hunger I feel now doesn't even compare to pre-op diet hunger! ANY food is better than that crap! LOL

Personally - I don't expect anyone else to change their eating habits because of me and my choices. While on my pre-op diet, I still cooked my family dinner every night, went to family gatherings and dinners (I drank iced tea) and still LIVED. My life is not about the food, it's about the people around me. If I can't get a grip on my mental relationship with food, then getting this surgery would be useless.

You have to fix the outside AND the inside.

[MrsCabes 2]

BTW - not to be a total downer, but you all know that the divorce rate, post surgery, is very high, right?

[~amy~ 1]

Denise - I'm sorry if you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I should have been more clear there. I meant that his attitude reflected a previous poster's comment in that he believes that it's my decision and my responsibility and that his eating issues are not my eating issues....and particularly the part about "What is he supposed to do, not eat?" That's the "attitude" he takes- his actions are MUCH worse than that, I agree. I wasn't trying to be snippy about the previous posters comment. That's a valid attitude to have - so no offense to her meant at all. I think he uses that thought process as an excuse to behave like an a$$, though.

We've had problems in the past, but for the last several years, things have been fine. He was supportive before the surgery - we were actually BOTH supposed to do the surgery together. But after he jumped through all the insurace hoops, he decided he didn't want to go through with it, and cited several reasons - the main one being that he wanted to try the Atkins diet again because he enjoys eating "all he can eat."

I'm not sure what the future holds - I do know that he took exquisite care of me in the 3 days following the surgery, but the two weeks before and after that were a nightmare. I am hoping and praying that things will get better once I am able to have solid food. At least I'll be able to actually MAKE a food choice. For now it's just feeling like deprivation and starvation...which is probably made worse by the food waving. lol....

Oh, and my response to the FIL was "I'm glad you're enjoying that - at Christmastime this year, I'll be 135 lbs, and you won't be able to zip your pants." :wink:

[SassyB 0]

Trust me, you don't want to cheat even a little at this stage. It will only make it worse for you to stay with the plan (i'm talking from experience). If he really wanted to eat them at the house maybe he can eat them in another room or you go for a walk until he's finished. DHs, you gotta love them. :wink:

[Cocoabean 430]

Denise - I'm sorry if you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I should have been more clear there. I meant that his attitude reflected a previous poster's comment in that he believes that it's my decision and my responsibility and that his eating issues are not my eating issues....and particularly the part about "What is he supposed to do, not eat?" That's the "attitude" he takes- his actions are MUCH worse than that, I agree. I wasn't trying to be snippy about the previous posters comment. That's a valid attitude to have - so no offense to her meant at all. I think he uses that thought process as an excuse to behave like an a$$, though.

We've had problems in the past, but for the last several years, things have been fine. He was supportive before the surgery - we were actually BOTH supposed to do the surgery together. But after he jumped through all the insurace hoops, he decided he didn't want to go through with it, and cited several reasons - the main one being that he wanted to try the Atkins diet again because he enjoys eating "all he can eat."

I'm not sure what the future holds - I do know that he took exquisite care of me in the 3 days following the surgery, but the two weeks before and after that were a nightmare. I am hoping and praying that things will get better once I am able to have solid food. At least I'll be able to actually MAKE a food choice. For now it's just feeling like deprivation and starvation...which is probably made worse by the food waving. lol....

Oh, and my response to the FIL was "I'm glad you're enjoying that - at Christmastime this year, I'll be 135 lbs, and you won't be able to zip your pants." :wink:

Hi Amy,

Actually, how you explained it is how I took it. It does seem he is using that attitude as a vehicle to hurt you. :eek: That is a bunch of poopy! I hope you can work it out. Yes, we are each responsible for what we put into our mouths. It just seems that out homes and families should be a somewhat safe and supportive environment.

Your response to your FIL, priceless!

[DMogren 0]

Oh my goodness...my dh just came home with 10 spicy garlic hooters wings!!! They smell so good...I am only 10 days out from surgery and I am salvating...Somebody send me some encouragement quick!! LOL:ohmy:

I agree punch him and have a shake. Then give him the silent treatment for the rest of the night

[adagray 1]

This subject of whether or not your family should change to support you seems to be a topic of hot debate often. And, of course, even after 5 pages of replies, you still NEED my inputl. LOL

My feeling is that it is in my family's best interest to support me in the ways that I really need. If I fail at losing this weight that is causing me comorbid diseases and will eventually kill me, then my whole family fails. My husband and kiddos want me around and to be healthy. I do nobody any favors by NOT telling them what I need to succeed at losing the weight. I say this from the perspective of someone who has a mother who has struggled w/morbid obesity her entire life.

Trust me, your kids and your husband LOVE you and WANT you to get healthy. YOU are probably one of their greatest concerns and let me say again, they LOVE you more than anything!!! They just may not 'get it' as to what you need unless you say so.

I can't imagine any family who would not want to make some sacrifices for their loved one especially through the 'no eating' stages of this lapband journey. Come on, there are very few people who can stand this sort of torture. My husband is amazed and proud of me for all the times I have had to be on 'liquids only' through this journey. And, he has been more than supportive by keeping tempting foods away from me during these times.