Suddenly Single

[porclndoll 0]

I am just curious as to how many of us became single/divorced after being banded. Im also curious as to why.... Was it a bad relationship and you just got the courage to get out? Was it that your self asteem was higher than normal and you were able to say see ya? Was it you wanted to broaden your horizons...see the "greener" grass on the other side of the fence? If anyone would like to share their experience with me, I would appreciate it. If you dont want to post on a public board thats understandable too, so feel free to PM me....

Thank you in advance....

[TonyBia 0]

I am a signature away from being divorced-just waiting on the lawyers. For me it was was my ex's decision - after 12 years of marriage she decided that I wasn't what she wanted. At this point in my life was when I decided I needed to do something. I got the band during the separation, and haven't looked back since. For years I worked my butt off allowing her to be a stay at home mom, making sure that every need or want she or my daughters had was taken care off--plus . I didn't take time for myself and after years it showed. My health was suffering (I worked 50-70 hours weeks for months at a time), I was no longer living for myself but for my family--which is fine to a certain extent, but in my case it lead to a wife that took things for granted and left me without a partner in life. So after 13 years of what in my mind was emotional and physical investing for a great return later in life, it turned out to be a black Monday in Wallstreet terms. After coming home to a house stripped clean with a note left saying not to look for her, I decided that my life was going to change. I was going to do things I wanted to do and enjoy myself some. And to do that I needed to loose weight and become healthier and more active.

As I loose weight, in my mind, I hope that she regrets her decision, but I know that it will not change the situation I am in. She is finished with me and me with her, but I am now planning on a new future--one with hope, one with excitement, and one with a lean mean bod. Realistically, I will never be an Arnold or a Stallone, but I hope to be over self esteem issues and find someone that loves me for who I am, not for how much I earn or what I look like or how large my house is. Right now I am concentrating on my daughters--(9 and 2) and miss seeing them daily as I did before--stupid child visitation rules and all. The band has helped alot as the emotional rollercoaster ride takes it toll in eating habits, and has allowed me to consistantly loose weight. I have always been a confident and positive person, but lacked social skills to some extent due to my self esteem issues. As time goes on I hope the band and my continued weight loss will help with those problems as well.

So there you have it--one persons story of love lost and a friend gained.

T

[porclndoll 0]

Thank you Tony for sharing your experience with me. I just dont know what the hell is going on in my life when it comes to my husband. I know that we are growing apart....We are up to NO communication. We dont say hello, we dont say good bye...we dont say have a good day...none of that~ I am interested in friends, and family, and a life! I can not sit at home day in and day out...He is very happy doing nothing. I have aquaintences that dont even realize Im married cause I am always going out by myself. My husband works a lot of hours like you...60-70 a week. I dont work. I am currently looking for employment. I have been afforeded the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and I absolutely appreciate that...but when I want to go somewhere with my friends, I dont want to be put down for it. I have been accused of having affairs which i havne't done. I have been accused of abandoning our son because I will have my mother watch our son so I can go out...Our son has Down syndrome. I quit a very good paying job to take care of our son. I got down on the floor and go dirty with him, to teach him to crawl and walk. I have sweated with him, I have cried with him. I have held him down at the doctors for shots and blood draws. I have held together all the therapist and doctor visits and since he is doing soooo much better and is healthy and accomplishing things on his own...I figured it was just healthy for the BOTH of us to spend some time apart. My husband feels that I am giving up the time that he is not allowed to have...he is jealous of the time that I get to spend with our son and doesn't understand how I can just leave him with my mother. But its for BOTH mine and my sons sanity that I do leave him for a while. He doesn't need me on his ass all day every day. Well that is how it all started. Now we have been fighting for years...there have been scattered good days in there dont get me wrong...but with this not talking AT ALL...its driving me nuts....Its almost like whats the point? We dont even sleep in the same bed....by MY choice...Why would I share a bed with someone who can't even talk to me? I have noticed since my banding...I am getting self asteem back. I am becoming more and more confident....but at the same time scared to all get out! I have NEVER been on my own, let along alone with a child to take care of. I got married when I was 23...I went from living with my parents to being a married woman...Its all just sooo scarey sometimes. And I hate the idea of weekend visitation~~ Ugh that just makes my stomach turn~ I cant imagin being with out my boy on the weekend!!!

Welp, thats pretty much where I am in a nut shell.... A very big NUT shell. :mad:

[TonyBia 0]

It sounds like you are on the other end of what I have been going thru. It takes time for people to grow apart and it will take effort and time to grow back together. In my case my ex did not want to spend the effort. She decided to cut and run. The decision is a painful one- either you have to confront the situation and identify the problem areas as both parties see it or decide that the situation is irrepairable and try to work out a an equitable split. With children the decision becomes even harder. I would of lived in a loveless marriage for another 16 years if it would of helped my children with the pain I see in there eyes of seeing their two most loved influences of there lives separated. But that choice was not given to me so I am now having to live with my new situation. My heart breaks for my children as I never wanted this to happen to them. And honestly--that is the most heartbreaking event from this whole separation ordeal--not being able to take the pain away from the children.

After this ordeal, I find myself being alot more alone than I am used to, as before this split, my life was my family and I did not cultivate many friendships outside of the family. Now I am finding it challenging to try and develop new friendships and try and fill some of that void up. This divorce thing also was a big blow to my self-esteem. But I picked up the pieces of what was left and decided I would make it better,I would be better and I would be stronger and more caring and a person someone would love to be around. To do that I started with myself and making myself look better. The band was a first step on a long journey of self realization, determining ones self worth, and improving my self esteem. I think often times as we (overweight people) gain weight, we do so because of emotional problems. Often times we are sensitive indiviuals that use eating as a coping mechanism, whether it is to avoid confrontation, overcome feelings of depression, low self-esteem or lack of a sense of accomplishment. Then I think as we no longer have that coping mechanism of eating- as the band takes over- we are faced with the problems we once avoided- and have to deal with them or sadly form some new coping mechanism. I think the majority here, have had enough of coping mechanisms, are tired of problems and choose to face the problems as they continue to loose weight. I think coming to a point of deciding surgery is necessary for weight loss is telling of a person and where they are emotionally and mentally. They have decided it is time to take charge of there lives and face their demons. Things done the old way are out and problems will be dealt with instead of just coped with.

So if a person had a shaky relationship before banding-then they are going to go thru a decision making process. They are going to first of all decide what role do they play in the relationship, if it fits with their new style of getting things done, and is the relationship going to survive this transformation of character. Unfortunately this decision making process involves two people and sometimes the other person doesn't like the role change of the newly banded person. It upsets the family dynamics and if on shaky ground can cause the other mate to decide it time to cut and run. Or conversely, if the other mate is understanding and willing to compromise, the relationship can be rebuilt and repaired with even better building blocks. But all of this takes open communication and time--time to search your feelings and time to let the other person do the same. It can often be painful to see a person you have known for years change in front of your eyes- leaving doubt and uncertainty in the non-banded persons mind. These doubts have to be addressed or the problems will just worsen with time.

No answer is the right answer for every person. And what might seem right now-may not seem right in a few months. The way I look at it is that when you get a band-- you are a catapillar that has gone into a cocoon. The weight loss period is the cocoon period. This is when a person changes-emotionally,physically, mentally. During this time they are relearning themselves-there likes, dislikes and what they want to do with their lives. Decisions during this time are often difficult as with the changes in body often the mental changes are less likely to be "seen" by the person doing them. After a person becomes adjusted to there new bodies and have allowed there new esteem to be resolved then they are on a better foothold to make more long term decisions in life.

The band is tool for weight loss,but I think also a tool for resolving emotional and mental issues as well. Unfortunately relationship issues are often part of that "issues" that need resolving.

Sorry for rambling--but maybe this line of thought might be helpful to someone.

T

[whippledaddy 5]

My wife had the Roux en Y procedure in 2002. She has lost 320 pounds total.

I was a 366 pound fat guy. Twelve years her senior.

I was so happy for her and her weight loss. Yet I DID feel threatened. But I made a decision. If I truly loved her then her happiness and well being must be my priorities.

So I knew that if she needed to leave me, and if she thought it was in her best interest, then I would be sad, but I would support her even in that.

Now she has some pretty serious health issues. And that may have kept her by my side. 'Cause anyone could see she could do soooooo much better.

We've had our issues with her losing weight, and now me. There has been some jealousy, some sniping.

But, the secret is for BOTH people to remember to trust in the other's basic love (no matter what they are or are not doing) and to decide to stand behind the other's decisions, no matter what.

Hope it all works out for you. I can see you have a lot to deal with. It IS important to get out by yourself and keep your individuality alive. It IS best for you, your son, and even your husband. I hope he realizes this soon and re discovers what treasures live under his own roof.

Good luck.

[porclndoll 0]

Thanks Whipple...Thank you T....At least I know Im not losing my mind here! This isn't easy, but at this point I dont think its repairable. Im not sure if he wants to fix it either. There is NO communication and its so difficult to get it started. My husband has always been a very jealous person. Now that he sees me out there with people, friends, having fun...he is very irate! I have had my periods of being a social person....but then again, I went thru a very painful time of being a shut in~ Funny how we can go thru so many different phases in life. When I met my husband, 15 years ago, I was going thru one of my shut in phases. He fell in love with that person and got use to that person! I am sooo not that way now!!! And he has told me he doesn't like the person I am today. I am not going to let life pass by though. I had a friend who passed away at 32 years of age from cancer. He had four kids! And was on his second marriage. He would have done ANYTHING to hold onto life just one more day!!! Why should I be expected to give up life? In a few days I am going to be 33 years old....One year older than my friend when he passed....what can I say I have accomplished in that year? ALOT, now that I am not letting any one or anything hold me back.....

A decision needs to be made. If this is it, then we need to figure out how to come away from this smoothly for our sons sake. I honestly dont see how it can be fixed though. One person can't fix it alone.

Thanks you guys for talking me thru this....I really appreciate that you were able to share these things over a public board. I just gotta get the communications open...It doesn't help that I am dealing with a man who is batteling his own demons too.....But things cant stay like this.....thats for sure

Talk to you later

[gentlespirit 1]

Of course you need to be apart from your son sometimes and have some "me" time! There's nothing wrong with that...in fact, it's healthy...much healthier than spending every minute with him. He needs to know that you can leave and will come back, and you certainly need some time with other adults. If your husband wants more time with your son, he can work something out...we always make time for what's important to us.

As someone who had to make the decision to end a marriage (10 years ago, so nothing to do with the band) from which my then husband had basically withdrawn, I know it isn't easy. But one person CANNOT make a marriage work.

I wish you the best in this difficult decision.

Emily

[It's me-Debbydo 0]

PorcilDoll, my band sister,

I am so sorry for your pain and the marriage problems. My thoughts right now for you are counceling , to keep you strong and balanced, counseling for you to learn the why's of your marriage and counceling for you to find the strength to be a family for your son. I also have a special needs child and my heart goes out to your son and the changes that are ahead.

prayers,

Debby

[mommy3boys 0]

i am also just a few signatures away from divorce being final and i have to say it was been an emotional rollercoaster. my story...

was married 10 years, 2 beautiful sons, got banded january 2003, lost weight, found out was pregnant again, husband met "friend", l lost more weight, went into deep depression, had beautiful 3rd son, lost more weight, husband's friend became "love of his life", kicked his butt out because he couldn't make up his mind, i made it up for him. Filed for divorce, said good riddance to bad rubbish. Have been on my own, with 3 little boys under 5 for almost 2 years and life seems to be getting better. i have never doubted my decision because ultimately it was my decision to kick him out and file for divorce. i do hurt for my boys not seeing their father as much as they need to but he was a very selfish husband and now he's a very selfish father. i may be poorer and my schedule might be more hectic but i am so much happier knowing i'm not with someone who doesn't love me any more.

i deserve to love and be loved in return. after the hell the last year of my marriage was i now have peace and quiet, relatively speaking of course.

we all make decisions, it is not the decisions which are hard, it is the consequence of those decisions that are painful.

good luck

ana

[Parvathi 2]

Porcln, I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles. I wish I had some good advice for you. You'll be in my thoughts.

[jenny 1]

thanks so much for this thread its so good to read others problems and how they cope my marriage ended after 30 years although really it was over 3years before that,the last ten years of our marriage he made it really big in the building industry, now this could be my low self esteem again, but i think i was an embarrassment to his business associates i can't say for sure as he would never talk to me,its got to be worse than death i reckon at least when you partner dies they die loving you but when you still love someone and they don't love you it just breaks you inside, i'm sorry if i have rambled you could have got worse lol, but now i have my band to help me get fit and healthy maybe i can move on

[Alexandra 55]

As someone who had to make the decision to end a marriage (10 years ago, so nothing to do with the band) from which my then husband had basically withdrawn, I know it isn't easy. But one person CANNOT make a marriage work.

This is exactly what I was going to say. The band in your life may indeed make you feel better about yourself, but it is not what's influencing your husband's behavior. I was married to a person like that, and his withdrawal was his way of telling me he was done with the marriage. It took me a while to see what he was (not) saying, but once I did there was no mistake. He had already left, just without taking his physical self with him.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you realize there is NO reason to be in a relationship that is harmful to your psyche. You deserve much better than that, and being alone is preferable to being with someone who takes without giving.

[vinesqueen 2]

Dearest Doll, you deserve the best that the Universe has to offer. You must have time away from your son. This isn't just for you, it is for him. After all, you cannot pour more from an empty pitcher. He must have time away to build his own identity as a person as opposed to being an entitiy of baby/mommy.

You deserve this time and so does your son.

My ex-husband thought that his only responsibility was to bring home a paycheck. Even when I was working and making more money than he did, he still thought his only responsibility was to bring home the baccon. You deserve a help-mate. You deserve better.

I was very close to leaving my DH because of his weight, but he got banded and that really saved our marriage.

You deserve the best the Universe has to offer!

[porclndoll 0]

Thanks guys.....I really appreciate the support and kind words. Tomorrow is my birthday and my husband couldn't even come to my mothers house to be with me and my family. I asked him Do you wanna go, and he flat out said NO. I said I thought as much...Then he said, You thought right...and went out to do the laundry. I came home from my moms house and hes asleep...but tonight I really think I gotta sit down and have him confront whats going on. He drags me down and I am not liking it one bit. I would rather live alone with my boy~ I honestly think that we have both left the marriage all ready and one of us is just waiting for the green light. I dunno what form that green light is gonna come in...for me I think a full time job would do the trick. Right now all my husband is doing is making money. He doesn't even tell me how much he puts in the bank...which is as simple as leaving a deposit slip on the table. I now have to call the bank or go there physically and get the deposit amount~ This is not anywhere near working together!!! We dont even speak...... The sand is running out of the hour glass....I will letchas know what happens after tonights conversation! I have never been put in this position and it is rather scarey. I can't even put gas in my car without asking him for money~ Not a good position....I dont like it...Okay...thanks again guys~~

[aaamom 0]

Good Luck re:speaking with your husband tonight. Please don't let this ruin your birthday ! It's your special day and you should have a GREAT ONE. Deal with your problems on the other 364 days of the year.

Hope all goes well. I will be thinking of you.