relationship changes

[dontgoggilme 0]

hey all. i'm getting banded in early march and this is something i've been thinking about and am worried about. i have a friend who had lapband done over a year ago and our relationship has changed since she had it done. it's not like it's bad or anything now but just different. we can't shop together anymore since she's regular sized and i'm plus sized. her attitudes towards larger people have changed, too. it's just kinda wierd. so now i'm concerned about the relationships i have with my sister (she is plus sized) and some friends (who are also plus sized) and how it will change things with us. i'm also worried and wondering how it's affected people's marriages. my husband is supportive but he's worried i'm going to leave him after i lose the weight. i kinda take offense to that statement because to me it's almost like saying i'm not attractive enough to get anyone else right now as a big girl but once i'm thinner i will be. does that make sense to ya'll? can anyone share about thier experience and if it's changed their marriage, friendships, or other relationships?

[minimeme 1]

hey all. i'm getting banded in early march and this is something i've been thinking about and am worried about. i have a friend who had LAP-BAND® done over a year ago and our relationship has changed since she had it done. it's not like it's bad or anything now but just different. we can't shop together anymore since she's regular sized and i'm plus sized. her attitudes towards larger people have changed, too. it's just kinda wierd. so now i'm concerned about the relationships i have with my sister (she is plus sized) and some friends (who are also plus sized) and how it will change things with us. i'm also worried and wondering how it's affected people's marriages. my husband is supportive but he's worried i'm going to leave him after i lose the weight. i kinda take offense to that statement because to me it's almost like saying i'm not attractive enough to get anyone else right now as a big girl but once i'm thinner i will be. does that make sense to ya'll? can anyone share about thier experience and if it's changed their marriage, friendships, or other relationships?

Or maybe he is saying (without saying it) that he was lucky to get you and only got you because you were overweight. Once you are no longer overweight, you will be too good for him.

One of the things that has always served me well in relationships is to remember if there are two ways of looking at something rather than see is the most negative, give your partner the benefit of the doubt and take it the best way possible.

Just my opinion, but he is worried out of his own self esteem issues, you see it as negative towards you because of your own self esteem issues. Give him a kiss and tell him you are lucky to have him and if that dont work, tell him to think of all the new sexual positions you will be able to do better. Give him something to look forward to.

[1unknownperson 0]

I apologize in advance... I just discovered the happy faces, so if you have the graphics turned on beware... I had fun discovering the various ones and playing with them... LOL... Okay, So I'm a big kid! If you get offended by adult content, please don't read any farther....

In My Experience it does cause changes... In the 90's, I lost 80 pounds :hurray:on Phen Fen and a lot of my friends didn't like me after that...

As a fat person, I have many self esteem :huh2: issues and go out of my way to be a people pleaser so they will like me...

When I lost the weight, I gained a ton of self confidance:dita: and I guess I wasn't the Jolly accomodating person they were all accustomed to. Instead of being available to always babysit while other people went out, (and sometimes on only a minutes notice!) and always playing the host to our gatherings and cooking the huge meals for everyone and their heathen kids (who would run around my home creating havoc! and Me getting to do all the before and after clean up) I learned how to say No once in a while and suddenly my husband was telling me so and so says you are a "Batch" now etc etc... I gained so much confidance that I even started college!

However, I was kinda cranky :sad2: from the pills and I'd forget to cook for MY family and my kids used to say they didn't like skinny mommy because she didn't cook anymore... My Husband became even more possessive than he already was and we fought :frown: like cats and dogs and he made me wear baggy sweats and big floppy tshirts.. He was terrified of losing me... I used to tell him that if he was so afraid of losing me then maybe he should be nice to me...

Anyhow, after Phen Fen went off the market and because it was such a hassle dealing with all the haters, I ended up gaining all the weight back within 2 years... My Husband was again content, knowing that as an unattractive fat :smash: woman nobody else would want me....

However, I had the last laugh... I left him a few years later once the kids were all grown and I continually have a steady stream of gentlemen callers... Even though I have a boyfriend whom I live with, Men still constantly ask me out... I have a very vivacious personality and make friends easily. Most men act like they don't notice I'm a fatty fat fat...

I'm now 43 years old and have had guys ranging from 25 to 70 Years old asking me out! The 25 year old is someone my eldest daughter went to school with! I was very flattered but had to turn him down... I prefer the older gentlemen... My Boyfriend is almost 60 with the body and sex drive of a 30 year old athlete! Yeehaw!!! :huh2: Save a horse ride a cowboy! Ohhhh Myyyy... I've gotten off track here... :thumbup:

Okay, so my whole point in this is that the Doctors realize the fact that there will be emotional and phsychological issues in dealing with weight loss and thats why they have you go to Group therapy type of meetings or have one on one meetings or staff on hand to help you when you have issues like these to deal with... Mine (assigned therapist)called me the day before surgery and gave me his phone number and told me to call him anytime if I wanted/needed to talk...

Hope this makes sense and I hope it helps... :sad:

[JoJo1 0]

If you think about it, relationships are always changing. Some of us are fortunate enough to keep friendships for many years but most of them change over time. Things like geography, other friends, our kids, out husbands, jealousy, to mention only a few, at the very least, morph our friendships into different intensities. Sometimes they end up fading out completely. I am 58 so with a few years under my belt, I noticed this very phenomenon.

My daughter left her husband after losing 100lbs and it broke my heart. I felt sorry for her husband. They worked it out and are back together now, but it worried my husband. He said "Are you going to leave me when you get thin"? (My husband is thin) I just said "I just hope you will like me better"!! He hasn't said another word about this. When men worry about you leaving it isn't about you at all, it is their insecurity showing through. I have read many posts here where people feel different after losing weight, and have noticed distance in their friendships and marraiges. One woman who was banded the same day I was, got a divorce in less than two months. One poster said her best friend who was also large, could not be around her any more. You can be sure that you will change and so will some of your friendships. It only makes sense if you look at the big picture. My daughter inspired me to get banded by her example, so maybe you should just expect things to change in some relationships and hope you can inspire them to make some changes also. By the way expect new relationships to pop up also..... Hugs!!

[dontgoggilme 0]

wow! ya'll sure gave some awesome responses. every single one of them was so helpful in different ways. i just found out earlier tonight by checking my insurance provider's online site (thank you lord for the internet) that my surgery got the final approval. i'm so excited and hope that no matter what relationship changes might happen, that everything turns out ok in the long run! =)

[adagray 1]

Just remember that the most important relationship is w/yourself and you can't be much of a friend, sister, wife, etc. if you are sick from obesity. Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow.

[ElfiePoo 109]

Our relationships *will* change...because *we* will change and let's face it...not all fat people are sweet and jolly. Some are just downright mean or bitter from years of resentment at how they'd been treated by others, but they hide it because they already suffer from low self-esteem and won't put themselves out there to be hurt. When they take the weight off and see themselves as hot stuff, they now feel confident to be who they truly are and no longer pull their punches.

Some feel they've lost their youth because of being fat, so they need to make up for lost time which may involve dumping a spouse and becoming a party girl/boy and promiscuous sex just to prove to themselves that they're desireable.

Some have created lives based on their low self-esteem...settling for second best...putting up with emotionally or physically abusive spouses because it's better than being alone and believing nobody else could ever love them as a fat person...and when they lose the weight, the feel they can now do better. Sadly, many of these people don't understand that they are usually destined to end up in the same type of relationships because it wasn't their 'fat' that put them there...it was their low self-worth.

This is why so many experts recommend that therapy be a part of any weight loss program. It's not just to change our attitudes/behavior towards food, but also to deal with our emotional reaction to losing weight...and hopefully before we toss a good marriage or good relationships down the tubes during the emotional upheaval.

.

[arthukd 1]

I definitely would not worry about the relationships you have with your plus size friends and family...what changed in your relationship with your friend was her...if you don't want your relationships to change w/ your plus size friends and family than it won't.

My sister had lap-band 4 years before I did and nothing changed in our relationship except that we hung out more often b/c she had more energy and less depression.

I have been plus size my entire life and have gone shopping w/ my skinny friends...I am the only plus size in our group. Often I just offer advise and every once and I while I will say, ok time to leave, nothing in the store will fit me! Looking forward to the day I don't have say that anymore.

Also, if you and your husband have a strong relationship, the fact that you are getting healthier should not destroy it. I know several relationships have ended after one partner lost a lot of weight, but there were under lying issues. Maybe the overweight person thought he/she WAS settling for someone and then gained the courage to move to what they deserved. Who knows!

The bottom line is, if you value the relationships you have, you will do what is necessary to keep them...Hopefully your friends and family feel the same way. I was slightly jealous when my sister started loosing weight and was then SMALLER than me! I didn't even notice until I saw a picture of us together. But that did not effect our friendship. It just made me try and work harder at losing weight...which obviously had no lasting effects since I was banded 4 weeks ago :thumbup:

Ok, sorry for the novel, hope this helps. Good Luck!

[Soexcited 64]

I totally disagree that our relationships will change because we changed. (sorry Elfie) . I have had the same core group of friends since college (1987) so for over 20 years the same group of friends have watched me go through stuff in my life, they have watched me gain a lot and loose a lot (before the band and after) and they have always been there for me, supported me and been my TRUE good friends. Real friends will support you, try to understand you, help you if you want it and leave you alone when you need that too. My family have always supported me as well ...... good friends and good close family will be around for you, if the relationship changes for the worse just because you loose weight you should take a long hard look at what the relationship really is because it would be my guess that it was not a great relationship to start with. Maybe I feel so strongly about this because I have never had low self worth, I have always had weight problems, but I have also always been a strong confidant woman....My husband now is also very supportive and our love gets stronger by the day, with or without an extra 20 pounds. So maybe examine how YOU truly feel about your relationships, the ones you cherish will last no matter what as long as the other person feels the same way. Relationships are difficult at times, but in my life the bad ones just manage to weed themselves out of my life.

[dontgoggilme 0]

all of you have given some really great responses but check this out. my husband saw me on this post last night and asked me about it. i told him it was just a forum i'm in and i said ok. well, this morning he logged onto my computer to get on here and see what i had typed. he confronted me about it but lied and said he had read the whole thing last night which i knew wasn't true because he didn't see it long enough last night to have read the whole thing. so i confronted him on lying about it and invading my privacy. he's very low self esteem. he thinks i'm going to leave him all the time even before i talked about getting lap band. he was all in my browsing history and maybe evcen my email. i'm just like wtf? and totally password protected my puter now. sigh.

[JoJo1 0]

Then of course, password protecting your computer raises more suspicion!! I'm sorry you are going through this. My husband used to drink, and when he did, he was so so insecure that I couldn't even believe it. I would get accused of having sex at the grocery store. I divorced him, and a few months later, he got a DUI, and sobered up. 7 years later, still sober, we remarried. He gets just a little insecure at times but the insane stuff has never returned. When he was still that way, no amount of reassurance ever seemed to help. I hope you figure all of it out!!! Have a great weekend!!!

[esam5 0]

Just remember that the most important relationship is w/yourself and you can't be much of a friend, sister, wife, etc. if you are sick from obesity. Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow.

I agree with adagray.....

( only my first and highest priority relationship is with GOD)

If I am true to God, and myself, then hopefully the people around me will see the true person that i am ( fat, skinny, bitchy, or sweet!)

If the people around you cannot love you for who you are on the inside, then then they are better off fading into the past, and new stronger, better relationships will appear.

I have one friend that I've known since we were 4yrs old, and we can love and accept each other for who we are inside. Most of my current friends are the people I chose to have around me. ( they are newer relationships, 9 yrs or less) If it's not a healthy relationship then I prefer to wait for a healthy, quality relationship!!!

Love, Honor, Respect go a long way..... also both ways!!!

true friends don't care if you're the "fat" one. They see your heart. if not, they aren't true friends ((kick 'em to the curb!!!!))

husbands are little different, although I sometimes agree in kickin 'em to the curb, alot of issues can be resolved through patience, prayer, communication and love.

:thumbup:

I'm sure you're not getting the surgery so you can be the fake, plastic, skinny "hater" ..... I'm sure you will still have a compassionate heart no matter what size you are!!!

E:thumbup:

[Phantasmagoria 0]

Hey OP: Ok lemme tell you my story, I have been with my ..um..well We will just refer to him as "b" for the last 8 years (almost 9) I got with "b" when i was 17 (i am 25 now)and both of us were overweight and during that the last few years of our realtionship we had some really hard times (meaning i got onto workers comp due to a robbery in 07 and i got PTSD really bad and it got to the point where i couldnt drive anymore so i had to depend on him) Recently in July of 2009 i started to get better really quickly and i decided to make the change and lose weight. I lost 80 lbs pre op and then decided to get the surgery and "b" didnt care.. NO support from him whatsoever told me i didnt need it when i felt like I did,so i went ahead and got the surgery family and friends supported me through the whole time, where he did not ..didnt come to any of the classes NOTHING.. hell i even play xbox online and those people called to check on me on my surgery date when he couldnt even visit me in the hospital. Oh yeah .. and then he critizes me about my small portions, the way i eat, no drinking with meals .. pretty much anything doing with this surgery.

*Sorry when i start talking about it i get upset*

Back to what i was saying... Since my surgery on dec 23rd 09

our realtionship has gone even more downhill.. once i get my settlement money from workers comp i am out of here and getting my own place. THANK GOD FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO GET ME THROUGH THIS!

[HiMow 0]

Hey OP: Ok lemme tell you my story, I have been with my ..um..well We will just refer to him as "b" for the last 8 years (almost 9) I got with "b" when i was 17 (i am 25 now)and both of us were overweight and during that the last few years of our realtionship we had some really hard times (meaning i got onto workers comp due to a robbery in 07 and i got PTSD really bad and it got to the point where i couldnt drive anymore so i had to depend on him) Recently in July of 2009 i started to get better really quickly and i decided to make the change and lose weight. I lost 80 lbs pre op and then decided to get the surgery and "b" didnt care.. NO support from him whatsoever told me i didnt need it when i felt like I did,so i went ahead and got the surgery family and friends supported me through the whole time, where he did not ..didnt come to any of the classes NOTHING.. hell i even play xbox online and those people called to check on me on my surgery date when he couldnt even visit me in the hospital. Oh yeah .. and then he critizes me about my small portions, the way i eat, no drinking with meals .. pretty much anything doing with this surgery.

*Sorry when i start talking about it i get upset*

Back to what i was saying... Since my surgery on dec 23rd 09

our realtionship has gone even more downhill.. once i get my settlement money from workers comp i am out of here and getting my own place. THANK GOD FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO GET ME THROUGH THIS!

OMG EW. I'm glad you're leaving him!!

[ElfiePoo 109]

I totally disagree that our relationships will change because we changed. (sorry Elfie)

We'll see. :thumbup:

It's inevitable that we will change. We change on a daily basis as a result of the experiences in our life. The changes don't have to be huge. Some are subtle...but they all affect the relationships in our life in some way.

Like you, I've never had a problem with self-esteem. I am an assertive person who knows what I want out of life and goes after it...but I can't say that my weight hasn't factored into some of my choices. For example, my past career choices have all been limited by my weight. Not because *I* limited myself, but because my choices were limited by others as a result of my weight. When I was 18, I wanted to join the military and be a nurse. Neither option was available. Both had weight requirements. So the career path I chose was something completely different...and even in that my choices were determined by the attitudes of others. Do you know how many secretarial jobs and then teaching jobs I lost because I was fat?

On the plus side, I would probably never have opened my own business or gone back to get my masters and doctorate so that *I* would have control over my life instead of the prejudices of others.

Like you, my core relationships will still be there and they will still accept me and support me *but* they will change because I am changing. I did (and they did) after 70 lbs and they are once again even after only 30 lbs for no other reason than I will have far more choices in life at 130 pounds than I did at 330 pounds just because I am in better physical shape and not limited by my own physical health or the prejudices/policies/realities of others.

At 330 pounds I could barely walk across the living room without being in pain. Now, at 229 pounds, I'm taking Tai Chi lessons with my husband (who had to be gently coerced into doing it) and going to aerobics with my mother-in-law (who had to gently coerce me into doing it). The relationships have changed, no doubt.

.