Regret Telling Friends ...

[waynooo 1]

When i had made the decision to have the surgery I let my wife know. She began to try to talk me out of it, that is when i politely yet sternly told her that I was doing this and expected her support. Every since she has been nothing but supportive, in fact she has starting thinking about it for her as well.

Now I have not told my friends or extended family, guess cause I am afraid of what there comments may be. My BIL made the comment about one of his coworkers that was having a WLS, said he was going to fat camp. I have respect for my wifes family and would really hate to start a fued cause i wouldnt stand for it!

[arthukd 1]

My experience with people having concern and trying to talk you out of it, is they don't know much about the procedure. They think of it like bypass. Maybe if you showed your friends some material on lap-band they would be more encouraging since it is minimally invasive AND for that matter reverseable!

I am a pretty open person so I told EVERYONE! I wouldn't say I regret my decision b/c now I feel accountable to make sure I lose the weight! But people can be pretty stupid. The day before my surgery as I was leaving the gym, I told my buddies it would be a week before I would see them and one of them asked me if I would be wearing a name tag when I came back, because she wouldn't even recognize me! HELLUR! I am not going to lose 80lbs in a week you dumb a$$!!

Hope your friends come around and will be the encouragers you need. If not, you can find it on this site!!!

[Fern 0]

thats annoying. I haven't really told anyone for the same reasons.

[Marine mom 3]

we all say stupid things, and choose the wrong ways to deal with people sometimes. Just like your kind of rude statements about your friends.

If you care about them, talk to them about how you feel. Stop judging them, and ask them to do the same for you. NOt everyone has to agree with your choices, or think they are a good idea. What would life be if everyone thought in the same way. Surgery IS a risk, and they are merely concerned for you. Take it in the spirit it was offered if you care about them.

[LoriLeeAnne 1]

"Thanks for your concern, but this is a decision I'm making with my doctor. With all due respect, he's far more familiar with my medical history and difficulties with losing weight, obstacles to weight loss, and difficulty maintaining loss. He has an experienced staff qualified to give me nutrition and exercise advice. At this point in my life, I am NOT open to alternative solutions; I've been spending my entire life trying 'solutions' that haven't worked for me--and I have no reason to believe the 'solution' you propose will be more beneficial than any other I've tried. AND I HAVE TRIED. I have devoted most of my adult life to attempts to solve this problem! Your pressure sends me a mixed message: first, that you care about me, but second, that you don't trust my judgment. While I'm glad you love me, the support you offer REALLY needs to be on MY terms this time. I am proceeding with this surgery because it is what is BEST for me."

Wow- Great advice!

I decided to be open and honest because my mother has had two WLSs and kept it a secret from everyone but her husband and two kids. I didn't like the secrets. That said, sometimes I wish I had kept it to myself. The first thing people ask when they see me is, "what did you do?" as if I couldn't have done it without some kind of WLS. That is always frustrating.

Some people in my family were jealous that I was able to have the surgery. They either wanted it too, but couldn't afford it, or else they didn't want to be left in chubby girl dust alone. They would say things about the surgery not working, that I will fail if I don't ___ (fill in with just about any word), and that I should try to JUST eat right and exercise. HA!

For the most part, people at work, friends and family have been happy for me. I think it's because they have seen my results. However, I actually have lost touch with some of my friends. The ones who have always been thin. The ones who like to go to a club with a chubby friend so they get the attention. You know the ones... The ones who keep certain types of girlfriends around to make themselves feel better. The funny thing is- I didn't realize this about them until I lost 70 lbs. Then I realized that they weren't keeping up with the friendship, and then I was able to step back and look at that friendship with a different perspective. Hmm. Look at all her NEW friends... Hmm. They are all the same type of girl, and they are all just like me. Or just like the way I used to be. You will find that you will change, too. But all my REAL friends, are still here with me and are encouraging me every step of the way. And they are happy for me. And PROUD of me. Perhaps when your friends see that this option has worked well for you, then they will get over THEIR issues. Then they'll get on board and support you. Best of luck. You will love your band!

[corinne211 0]

I feel so dumb. I really thought I should just be open and honest. I started out this process thinking, it's really just for me ... then I kept thinking, you know, I'm an adult. I make my own decisions. If I can make these decisions I should be adult enough to stand by them. So ... now that I am around 1 month in, I told two of my friends my intentions while we had coffee the other day. FYI one of them is thin and I think she has a form of anorexia (gluten free, lacto-free, vegetarian) ... she keeps her kids on the same diet and they look like ghosts. The other one just believes she carries around an extra 20lbs but really probably does not. She looks fine to me.

Anyway, after I told them, they got together and apparently are trying to have some kind of intervention with me, like they are going to be my new trainers and train me how to eat well and conquer this thing without letting surgeons cut me open.

AHHHHHHHGGG !!!

I then told them, 'you know, I am thinking of just doing this on my own with the dietician' to throw them off the track, and they are still like 'let's be DIET BUDDIES' ....

OMG, I could just smack myself that I ever said a thing. :thumbup:

WOW her kids are on a gluten free, lacto-free, vegetarian diet? Wow, I would consider that child neglect in some form. Malnution is so easy with adults... Kids I am sure can be stunted in their development with such a diet. Maybe your friend needs an damn intervention! You sound sane to me =).

[Marine mom 3]

WOW her kids are on a gluten free, lacto-free, vegetarian diet? Wow, I would consider that child neglect in some form. Malnution is so easy with adults... Kids I am sure can be stunted in their development with such a diet. Maybe your friend needs an damn intervention! You sound sane to me =).

sort of like feeding a child junk food? No more nutrition than the one you are criticizing.

For people who don't want to be judged there are some nasty judgmental statements in this thread.

I know many kids raised on such a diet. They are thin. Our perception as a nation of obese people makes them seem too thin, but they aren't. :rolleyes:We are just use to seeing fat kids.

I am thrilled that I do not have friends that go on msg. boards and say mean things about me or my kids.

Edited February 8, 2010 by MissyMS

[Floridacocoon 0]

If it helps, I feel for you. So many people just do not understand what this is like and what it is about. I've noticed there are other times in life when people think they know exactly what you should do: chiefly, when you have a baby. Everybody has the RIGHT advice. I would politely but firmly tell them "No. Thank you for your concern, but no."

[bigbirney 3]

I understand your pain, and you came to the right spot. My situation was opposite, my friends and family were supportive, and I didnt want to do it, because I thought it was weakness and I could do it on my own.

Either way this is the spot. Some people need more push that others, but most of us, like yourself, are tired of the yo-yo. I have lost 75+ pounds, at least five times, only to come back heavier each and everytime. I just got married, and lost almost 75 before my wedding in September, only to add it back, and then 20 more to tip the scales at 525 at end of January. This is addition and help for lifestyle change, DIET is 4 letter word worse that Fuck.

[Floridacocoon 0]

bigbirney,

did you take the plunge? did you get a band? I'm curious. I understand your post and feeling about the word diet. I am pre-op right now, and for the most part very much looking forward to doing this. But my feelings are complicated. For instance, a woman in front of me in a coffee shop the other day was about my age, thin and fit, wearing a baseball hat and jogging shorts and tank top, radiating jitters that I interpreted as "I can't wait to get to my workout!" and I disliked her intensely on sight.

I honestly don't know why.

[abandnewday 0]

I am waiting ins approval. I have alot going on and I expect an approval. With that i decided to share all my medical problems and decision for lap band with a close friend and his wife. I opened up and laid it all out on the table. While he said he supports me he is full of negative talk about the surgery and I really regret telling him. My friend recently lost 100 lbs with diet and exercise, but he is retired, no obligations, and has only been overweight the last 5 years after a back surgery. The rest of his life he was in top physical form. I on the other hand have been overweight since 8. While it sucks to have the negativity and I just sent a long letter detailing my concerns, it reinforces my resolve to accomplish this. I am on this journey for myself first. My wife and kids next. Everything and everybody else is down the list. The remainder of my friends and family will remain in the dark on this for some time to come.

[RavenClaw779 2]

I hear you! I am very lucky in that I volunteer in the nutrition center of my local hospital so the RD's are behind me all the way. My husband on the other hand while not unsupportive is of the "if you just tried harder..." school of thought(he doesn't have a weight problem and hasn't battled it for 20+ years). I was going to keep my surgery to myself as we live in a small town with a big gossip problem, but I felt that I probably should tell the family. BIG mistake - and one you'd think I'd have foreseen considering my sister-in-law has blabbed every confidence any friend has told her.

I didn't even get to inform my mother-in-law before blabber-mouth called to tell her. Now everyone knows and feels compelled to ask the What? Why? and recount the "OMG I Heard...Horror Story". And the diet sabotage has begun...last week it was a family birthday dinner at the Outback that I just HAD to go to(per my s-i-l) - didn't. Today it's a phone message from the monster-in-law..."Family dinner tomorrow night...I know you're on your little diet, but maybe you can bring your special food..." - NOT! I'm sending the hubs and renting a movie - saving myself from an evening of BS Q&A! Like most women I do most things for others i.e. the family - But this journey I'm doing for me:thumbup:

[Floridacocoon 0]

Geez, your LITTLE diet and your SPECIAL food. I'm angry FOR you. For what it's worth, I think you're absolutely right not to go and subject yourself to that. Maybe with your absence she will eventually catch on that she'd rather have you around and maybe she'd better be a little more supportive.

[ladykcusa 1]

Jax - you GO GIRL. My daughter has verbally attacked me about my decision. I will meet with a therapist before, during and after to receive tools in dealing with these issues.

I do NOT intend to share this decision with friends. Felt I should tell family.

Fortunately, my husband is very supportive. This is the tool I feel I need.

[Floridacocoon 0]

It's amazing that everyone has to factor THEMSELVES into how they react to what YOU are doing. We are SO not all the same as human beings and it's sad when friends can't be as supportive as you hoped. I bet, though, that someone else will come from the woodwork who does get it and can be a friend through this. I'm sad because my spouse equivalent is so afraid of medical things/surgery that he can't hear much about this without changing the subject. But one of my women friends has been great, and will help me along with my dad. So I'm thinking if I let the RIGHT people in for this, I won't be alone.