Feeling Alone with no support

[curlicue22 0]

I am in desperate need to find some support. My husband is not very supportive about me have “selective surgery”. I am not comfortable talking to him at all about it. I guess part of me feels embarrass and worried to fail again in front of him with many of my attempts to lose weight. Part of me also feels like he does not want me to succeed, not concisely but sub concisely. (examples: in the past when I had started to lose a lot of weight and being really good with that I eat the next thing that you know he is bring junk food, that I like, in the house and wanting me to sit with him and relax and we can just pick. Or getting a box of good chocolate and I have to do my best to avoid them.) He has also made joking comments of I will have to find another way to keep you fat. I know it sounds bad but he was joking. For some reason I really feel he thinks I will leave him if I lose weight and get more attention from other guys.

I am less than 2 weeks away from surgery and I have not talked to him that much about it at all. I had an appointment last night about everything that I need to eat for the next 6 weeks after so when I came home I tried to talk to him and maybe get him a little interested but in the middle of the conversation he started talking to the dog and then went into the bathroom. At that point I just went to bed and I don’t even think he cared or realized.

I don’t have any really close friends that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about have the lap band and I have not told my parents or sister since they have never really been supportive of me in my weight loss in the past. They just love to comment on how big I have gotten and what kind of health problems that it causing. I was raise to believe the skinner you are the prettier you are. I hear from my mom and sister “man you could be a pretty girl if you just loss weight.” And at that point I weighed between 150-160. So man they just have a field day now that I am at 200.

I would love to find a GOOD therapist to go to. I know I need to work on more than just my weight. That my head needs some work also. Now that I am committed to loss this weight I also need to committee to finding therapy. I have two young kids and one is a little girl and I really want to get to a place where I am happy and comfortable with myself.

I know this is a long rambling post but I have been so sad and had so much going on in my head I really just need to get this out. Thanks for listening!!!!

[PalmBayTish72 4]

I think that your husband has classic signs of having his own insecurities and I would agree that he may feel a bit apprehensive about your transformation and feels that you may find someone else once you are thinner. That is actually quite a common concern. Is he overweight himself? Yes, his joke about "finding ways to keep you fat" sounded bad and it WAS bad. He might have been joking, but comments like that come from somewhere. If he is going to try and sabotage your efforts, conciously or subconciously, you NEED to address this with him now, rather than later.

Honest and open communication is the key. You need to address this issue with him and explain to him how you feel that he is not being supportive and that you NEED that from him. Marriage is all about communication and he needs to realize that this is something you need and want to do for yourself.

In the mean time, there are TONS of people who will be more than happy to support you. Have you thought about starting a blog where you can detail your journey and share your thoughts and feelings with others? I did that and have meet many wonderful, great people and reading THEIR blogs has helped me immensely!

[mcastane 3]

I completely hear your frustrations. I think it's just once again the fact that we have failed so many times in our lives that our partners seriously think that it's another bluff. Just another failed diet. My husband was really not supporting me at first for all the reasons you mentioned, but I finally said "Do you want me to live longer yes or no" Otherwise your selfishness along with this weight is going to kill me sooner than later. I have co-morbidities to go along with my weight issue. He finally is starting to be a little more supportive and will actually be going with me to my 1st consultation today. You are not alone and this website really works and there are a lot of us going throught the same issues! Congratulations on making this decision and good luck! I'm new to this website, so If there is a way to add me as a friend let me know how!

[BillOh 13]

I sympathize with you, my wife and I both went through this together and the mutual support was a big factor for both of us being successful (in my opinion) PLus she has coworkers going through it as well so she got support from both sides. I guess you did the right thing coming here, you can find support here.

[Laura Lane 0]

please don't feel that you have failed....you haven't...plus you are doing something to change the fact that you are overweight. you guys definitely need to sit and talk. try it....it's the only way you guys can resolve things.

goodluck on your surgery.

everything's going to be fine, please keep that in mind.

please keep us posted.

[dlsmom1 0]

Although I am also new here, I can see that the support here is phenominal. Please don't let ANYONE deter you from your personal goals. I urge you to find a good therapist. They will help you to see how special and important you are. Just post here when you are feeling down or alone. We will help lift you up. If your husband insists on bringing "bad" food into the home, after you have asked him not to, I would just dump them into the trash before you have a chance to be tempted by them, at least early on. Later on, it will be easier to resist, as you are feeling more in control of your choices. I would also urge you to turn to your faith - I know God has strengthened me during many trials in my life. Good luck - I will pray for God to give you strength and peace. I konw you can perservere!!!

[sweetie8215 0]

I'm new here also and kinda in the same boat as you. I dont have much support at home but honestly this website is awesome. I've learned so much and feel like i am totally ready for my surgery. You really need to talk to you husband about him being supportive. you can always vent here and know you have lots of people to help you on your journey so keep on posting and keep on reading and dont give up on yourself.

[pennreporter 12]

Curliecue, I'm so sorry that you don't have the support. But know that what you are doing will be the best thing you could ever do for weight loss. Maybe try to find a local support group in your area. Online is great but not the same as being in a room of folks going through the same thing. It will be tough because you will still have to cook for your husband. So it will take some discipline on your part. The band still requires work and dieting. But it's an incredible tool once you start getting fills.

I can't begin to tell you how many times...and I'm 58...that my mother told me the exact same thing..you would be so pretty if you just lost weight. And I was a size 10..go figure. And it does sound like the issues with your husband is just his insecurity. If your insurance will pay for counseling, I'm a firm believer in it. It may help you keep your sanity. Maybe your hospital has a list of counselors that have worked with bariatric patients which would be great.

Again, congratulations on your decision. I've never regretted being banded (6/09) but I had an incredible support behind me. My daughter was banded a year before me. My whole family knows but no one lives close enough to really have any input and I'm bull-headed enough that they didn't dare question my decision...I proudly tell people I've had it and find that most people find it intesting enough to ask questions...you will get the negative comments but you're doing this for you and your quality of life.

Any questions or if you just need to vent, this site can be very helpful.

Trisha

[meekwife 0]

Hi I am new to this site. My husband doesn't support me having the lapband surgery. His commitment how I need to walk more and watch what I am eating. I decided with him this week. Alls I heard was his point of view regarding me having lapband. He didn't seem interested in hearing my point of view. I have a meeting with the surgeon Feb 3rd. I feel like I need to go behind his back to get traveling money. Any suggestion on how I should handle his disapproval? Peggy

[Cleo's Mom 257]

Hi I am new to this site. My husband doesn't support me having the LAP-BAND® surgery. His commitment how I need to walk more and watch what I am eating. I decided with him this week. Alls I heard was his point of view regarding me having LAP-BAND®. He didn't seem interested in hearing my point of view. I have a meeting with the surgeon Feb 3rd. I feel like I need to go behind his back to get traveling money. Any suggestion on how I should handle his disapproval? Peggy

As part of your pre-surgery work-up don't you have to see a psychologist? Talk to him/her about this and the fact that you refer to yourself as "meekwife". Learn how not to be meek, how to be assertive and ask for what you want, which is for your husband to be supportive. But even if he's not supportive, you are doing this surgery for YOU!!

There should also be support groups for WLS patients at the hospital where you will be having surgery. Find out from your surgeon about these. And then go. Even before your surgery. Ask you husband to go, but if he won't, then go alone.

How will you go behind his back to get traveling money? Is the hospital that far away?

Good luck and remember you can always get support here.

[dontgoggilme 0]

i'm so sorry to hear about those who have unsupportive husbands or no one to support them at all. i have a supportive friend who had the lapband last year and my sister is real supportive, too. my husband says he is supportive but sometimes i wonder just how supportive he is cuz he makes comments and stuff that contradict being supportive. i agree with those who mentioned support groups affiliated with your surgeon or hospital. those would probably be a good place to start. and here at lbt... well, it's great here. i wish that i could be a rock for anyone who needs one. maybe we could start a thread of matching "pen pals" for folks who want a kind of "partner/friend" through this journey. it would be on a more personal level than just posting threads and comments. =)