The Guilt of Being a Slow Loser

[Meliwriter 9]

One thing I realized and that I have seen echoed in so many posts from other slow losers is this feeling of guilt. We feel like with the surgery (whether we paid for it or insurance did) that we should be more successful. We constantly compare ourselves to other bandsters and get down on ourselves because we aren't moving as fast. We are afraid to check in with our doctor for fear of being reprimanded even though we feel like we are doing everything right. We are embarrassed to tell friends and family that we had the surgery because we don't look that different or haven't lost anymore than someone who didn't have the surgery.

See the pattern? There is a ton of guilt, embarrassment, and even this feeling of being a failure that can prevent us from getting back on track. What I find helpful is being open about this fear and guilt: being able to identify it, verbalize it and then do something about it.

My biggest fear: my doctor being disappointed with my progress thus far and not believing that I am working out as often as I am or eating to follow the rules. Worse I don't want his office to write me off as a lost cause, just another statistic that failed another weight loss attempt. Obviously I have to learn to stop worrying about what other people think about me!

So for this week, my challenge is going to be to pick up the phone and schedule that DRs appointment for a fill.

What are you struggling with? Post it here and share how you plan to face it this week. We can support each other in this new year and get back on track with our weight loss!

Meli :smile2:

[auntbrat 1]

Meli,

Amen! I understand exactly what you are saying. I walk around with this horrible guilt. I feel like I'm being judged for not having lost much weight since the surgery. I had surgery in April 2009 and have lost 40 lbs. - 30 of that was within the first 2 months.

I feel the same guilt about going to the doctor and am afraid of being told I'm a failure. In all honesty, I have not always been compliant with the dietary requirements but I also have not hit the "sweet spot" with the fills yet either. I am now consistently eating the right way and exercising. I know I need to do my part.

I have been trying to get an appointment with my surgeon for several weeks now and have had trouble. I really feel like something went wrong with my last fill. I have had no restriction and feel like Fluid was removed rather than added. He wasn't available until Jan 22nd but then he had to cancel due to surgery of his own! I understand that things happen but I've been trying to get in for months. I had to request that I get a fill with another doc in his office otherwise I was going to be on hold for another month or so. They fit me in on Friday. I hope that goes well.

Thank you for your post. Try not to get discouraged. Keep me posted.

Brandi

[SassyB 0]

Meli,

I too am a slow loser and dread going to the doctor for another fill (Feb 5, 2010). Banded April '09 and I have lost 30lbs, the last 5 is up and down. One of my problems is that I am peri-menopausal...I'm all over the place. I haven't reach my sweet spot either. Some days I can do really good, but then the cravings for the carbs hit me. I know that I'm not being compliant with the dietary requirements either. I think that I have read so much, I'm on information overload. Do I count calories, how much Protein is enough for me, should I get on hormone therapy? There's this women that works with my husband that had the surgery a year before I did, I think that she has lost about 80-100lbs and it makes me sick when he talks about how much weight she has lost. I try not to compare myself to others but it's really hard. I am at a total loss!!! I'm so afraid that this will be yet ANOTHER thing that I have failed at to lose this weight. HELP!!!

[Meliwriter 9]

SassyB, Big Hugs!

We have all been there. Another bandster reminded me that we are not failures. Failing is when you give up. When you make that decision to stop trying. This is a marathon not a sprint. It is a lifelong change that we have to embrace. True some people get there faster than us. Some people also win the lottery. Some people have never been fat a day in their life and never stepped foot in the gym. When I think about things like that it makes me angry. Why is this my burden to bear? What did I do to deserve this?

But I realized that anger doesn't get me anywhere. I can't control other people, I can't change the cards they were dealt. I can only work with what I have and pray that God will do the rest. You took a big risk getting the surgery in an effort to change your life. Embrace the journey! Don't be afraid to ask for help. Celebrate the little stuff. And remember you aren't alone. Talking with folks on the board has been a life saver for me. Because you all get it. You understand what I am going through and I know that despite what family, friends, or co-workers think or say I am making progress. I have a safe place to share my fears and challenges and Celebrate my successes with others who really get it! So set a goal for this week. It might be on the scale. It might be to follow the food rules. It might be to add in a daily walk. If the week seems too much focus on the day. What can I do today to make a difference? And just like you would with a five year old, reward yourself for meeting that daily goal...just not with food.< /p>

[SassyB 0]

Thanks Meli,

I will have to start posting more often and not just read. I will also take your advice and start with small goals. Today my church has started a 28 day fast (no meats, sweets, caffeine, rice, Pasta or potatoes) as well as other things we might want to give up (TV, computer etc.) so I'm praying that this will jumpstart me again. I will have to drink my proteing for sure this month. I go in for a fill Feb. 5 and prayerfully will finally get the right fill.

SassyB

[mobleyk2000 0]

I was banded 11/4/09, and although I really hate to hear that you all have been struggling, I feel better knowing that I am not the only one. I am happy to say that after my 2nd fill (3 weeks ago), I have lost 8 lbs! So total loss since surgery is 13 lbs. I was getting worried. I actually have an appointment tomorrow for another ajustment but I think I am going to hold off for now and see how things go. Hopefully this is that "sweet spot" everyone is talking about, I don't know. All I know is I was, like all of you, hoping to be further along by now....Good luck to you all :0)

Edited February 9, 2010 by mobleyk2000
add ticker

[CASSIEME1 1]

Im a slow loser also.banded 12/23/8

i had lost 62lbs.i have gained 7lbs

i am going fro a fill 02/17. Hopefully this will get me to my sweetspot.hopefully my md will be more understanding.i requested to see her and not the practioner this time.hopefully she will listen and honor my questfor the amount i want in my fill this time.

[CarolineDC 0]

I've been a slow loser, and I definitely identify with what y'all are saying. I was self-pay, so there's been an element of kicking myself -- "Did I seriously spend thousands and thousands of dollars for another failed diet?!" I got the Realize band; my fill nurse and other nurses at the surgeon's office told me that in their experience, people with the Realize band take longer to get to the sweet spot, but then lose at about the same rate as people with the Lap-Band. This has definitely been true for me. I was staying away from the boards and feeling a lot of guilt and fear for several months after my surgery. I did not feel significant restriction, early satiety, or appetite suppression until about six months after my surgery! My 11 cc band had 9.2 cc in it before I felt like I had a band. Now that I've FINALLY got good restriction, I am getting all those benefits, and my weight loss is speeding up.

Meli, I love what you wrote about weight loss being a marathon, not a sprint. We're in this for life, not for a quick year or two. I have to remind myself sometimes that i's not a race!

[Meliwriter 9]

Cassie-- I will be thinking positive thoughts for you. I hope your next fill goes well and that you hit that magic sweet spot.

Caroline--thanks for sharing your experience. I'm not exactly sure what type of band I have but I know that it is 11cc and I already have 6ccs (I think). I remember feeling like something was wrong from the start because the nurse practitioner made a comment about most people only needing 3 or 4ccs at most the first fill and I couldn't feel any restriction. I have only had three fills in my entire first year so I think the fact is that if I had been more persistent about getting my fills when I realized there wasn't enough restriction instead of feeling like it was my fault and being embarrassed to go back to the DR I might have hit my sweet spot by now. At least that is what I am telling myself. I have no restriction right now. Well, a little. I can't eat as much as I did before (certainly can't finish restaurant portions) but I can eat an average sized meal. pretty well.

I had to move my drs appointment last week because of all the snow, so I get my next fill on th 18th. Wish me luck.

[monicasf 0]

Yay! I'm not alone feeling like a total failure. I was banded in July 2008 and have only lost 35 lbs (30 in the pre-op post-op diet) and feel horrible about being stumped in my weight loss. I self paid and will be paying for my surgery for the next 5 years and every time I write that check I feel like a complete idiot!

On Monday I decided I will not give up! I am in my second day of a liquid diet and I'm hoping seeing some weight come off will motivate me to keep at it.

I need a fill but want to loose a few pounds before I come in for one (I too don't want to be a negative statistic in his books) so I have set a goal to lose 15 lbs before I go in for a fill.

It's a great feeling knowing I'm not the only slow loser. We can do it darn it!

[Mimilou2004 13]

Monica...go get a fill, the heck with his statistics. Why should you struggle to lose 15 pounds when a fill would help. Please think about it.

Mimi

[monicasf 0]

Monica...go get a fill, the heck with his statistics. Why should you struggle to lose 15 pounds when a fill would help. Please think about it.

Mimi

Thank you for yout advice Mimi, I think I will listen to you and schedule a fill for next week. Even though I hate seeing the silent disappointment in everyone there! ughhh

[BobbieND 3]

Oh PHOOEY on what they may think!! You NEED this fill ! Trust us... you will feel SO much better afterwards.

[Meliwriter 9]

I agree Mimi!!! Get the fill. THat was the trap that I was in for months. I was so worried about what my DR and his staff would think about my slow weight loss that I wanted to see a certain number on the scale before I went back in. The result? I stalled for months! I had my fill two weeks ago and think I finally hit my sweet spot. I'm losing 2 lbs a week (with exercise) and very happy with that. Now I wish I had stopped worrying about what others would think or say and just got the fill. I wouldn't feel so behind.

Also, even if they are disapproving, ignore them. You paid money out of your own pocked to have this surgery and be successful. THE TOOL ONLY WORKS WITH THE RIGHT FILLS. What they do not tell you is that some folk do not hit that sweet spot until their band is very full. It varies drastically and thus you cannot compare your amt to others. Trust me. Get the fill and don't put so much pressure on yourself. I feel so relieved now that I took that plunge.

Melis

[jldchester 0]

Thanks for starting this thread. I too am a slow loser. I find myself comparing my weight loss to all the others who were banded in Sept, 2009 or after me. They all have huge numbers. I did not have a pre op diet, and have not drank any protien shakes. My dr. was real slow increasing my fills. I have a 14cc band and have 7.1 ccs in it now. I am finally feeling some restriction which has helped alot. But I have days where the stress and constant feeling of failure gets to me and I will graze. Also 2 ladies I work with have had wls. One the LAP-BAND® a year out and has lost 60 pounds (you can really tell.) The other gastric by pass and has lost over 100.

People who know I had surgery - tell me I look like I have lost more weight.

People who don't know I had surgery - have not made any comments at all.

I want to see results!

Sorry to ramble on, but I feel better just talking about this. Thanks for listening,

Jamie