female only Feeling hopeless and don't know what to do...

[kellu25 0]

I am so sorry you are going through this, I went through a divorce and it was hard but I knew that I deserved much better. There is one plus to this: at least you didnt waste too much time on him. He shouldnt have this much control on your life, making you sick, crying and feeling so down. Just my 2cents but if he really cared for you he would not put you through this much pain and playing games. He should be home helping you through your recovery. Good Luck and try to stay strong.

[TN_girl21 1]

Thanks, kellu. I am trying so hard to stay strong. I just can't imagine him never walking through the door again...or him not being the first one I talk to and see in the morning and him not being the last one I talk to and see at night. I know that sounds stupid. I seriously am at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do. He talked to a very good friend of ours (who is a female and I have talked to too) and she said she can see that he really is torn. I don't understand why he would be this torn. I mean, he either wants me or not. I cry every night when he goes upstairs to our bonus room to sleep on the couch.

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

But a professional counselor deals with that all the time. They will ask probing questions, they will press a little for answers if he doesn't respond. They may want to see each of you alone at least once.

If he said he'd go, MAKE THE APPOINTMENT. It's a start of some small amount. My personal take, based on what little you've said is that he may be fighting depression.....

[TN_girl21 1]

Cathy...I really think he is battling depression as well. I am not trying to make excuses for him. He doesn't have a job (yet is trying to find one and applying). His friends give him a hard time by saying "Well, your wife will buy you this...your wife will buy you that." I know that's not fun because I grew up having people say "Your parents buy you everything". His mom asked him today how things are and he said "I'm just taking my time" and she said "No..either you're in or you get out!" I don't understand why he's taking his time.

[Blaze21 5]

Perhaps he needs a cut off date; a specific date, for when he needs to make his decision.

[TN_girl21 1]

Blaze...I had a friend tell me the same thing. There are 5 people that know what is going on. None of them seem to think he will leave. And to be quite honest, I think if he was going to leave, he would have left. I may be wrong. I was talking to God today about all of this, and I had a very calming feeling when talking. I'm so afraid that my emotions take over, and I'm not really listening. Maybe God was trying to tell me that he's not leaving. I sure hope so.

[Blaze21 5]

Blaze...I had a friend tell me the same thing. There are 5 people that know what is going on. None of them seem to think he will leave. And to be quite honest, I think if he was going to leave, he would have left. I may be wrong. I was talking to God today about all of this, and I had a very calming feeling when talking. I'm so afraid that my emotions take over, and I'm not really listening. Maybe God was trying to tell me that he's not leaving. I sure hope so.

I hope it works out for the best for you.

[TN_girl21 1]

Thank you, blaze!

My emotional eating is trying to kick in. I haven't given in. All I want is a dang pizza! Ugh...I'm fighting the urge very very very hard. I've lost 14 pounds, and I don't want to mess it up with pizza. But man, this hard!!!

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

He's probably "taking his time" because he's not so sure it will change what the problem is. He's probably at least somewhat aware that he is suffering from depression. I give him credit for not jumping ship for no truly good reason! I think there needs to be some serious communication between you about his problems, a visit to a doctor (doesn't need to be a shrink, any primary care doc will prescribe for depression) for some help -- and tell him you'll go with him because you know it's got to be difficult for him.

It's one step at a time...very small steps.

Keep up posted

[TN_girl21 1]

I didn't realize a primary care doctor could prescribe medicine for depression. Thank you for that info! I am very glad he didn't just leave, but then again, I do want to know what's going to happen between us.

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

Oh, definitely! And it seems a whole lot easier to go to your "regular doc" and discuss depression than it seems to hunt down a shrink, get an appointment, pay for the visit -- and get an antidepressant. There are many good ones on the market, all covered by insurance; some are generic now and can be bought at Walmart at 3 months for $10. There are assistance offers from the drug manufacturers for some drugs (Togetherx is a good one, free, apply on line).

Get him this basic and necessary help and when he starts to see things improving somewhat, who knows? Antidepressants take 2-4 weeks to build the appropriate level in your bloodstream, so don't expect him to take 1 pill and start to feel better. But take the pills and things do get better.

[sberrys 0]

You need to try to get him to open up to you and be honest about what he's thinking and feeling. Sometimes when people are dissatisfied with their lives they think running away from it all will fix it, but that isn't realistic. Running away from the good things, ie YOU, definately isn't going to make life any better.

Another thought... Men don't handle unemployment well, it makes them feel like complete losers, and makes them say and do things they would never have done otherwise. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him find a job, help looking online for jobs, etc. But above all else don't say anything that could make him feel like less of a man - ie well I make enough money so we are ok. That is essentially saying, "You're not needed." Men want to be the breadwinners and often become resentful when they are not, even the most loving men can feel like that in this situation. It's our job to make them feel like they are still needed. Find things around the house that need fixed and ask him to look at it, anything that will remind him that he isn't worthless to you (outside of just saying it, that doesn't help a lot). It may help improve his mood.

[TN_girl21 1]

I talked with my husband's step-dad today (who has really been his dad), and he had a good point. Every time he gets down on himself, this happens. He hasn't brought up divorce in a couple of days, but he's still sleeping upstairs on the couch.

I have definitely been helping him try to find a job. And never ever ever will/have I said anything about me making enough money for the both of us. And he is definitely a handy man! He fixes everything around the house. We are lucky that he can because it sure does save a lot of money! Last time this happened (him wanting a divorce) he was down in the dumps about not having a job. And I'm afraid he is too much of a man (sorry, men if you're reading this..no offense!) to own up to the depression and go to the doctor...not a therapist, just his primary care doctor!

[Jenschmitz 1]

Get someone in. does your minister do counselling? very informal though. just you 3 on the lounge and lots of coffee. This guy doesnt know what he wants lovey.. and he is stringing you along intentionally or unintentionally. he needs to get to the point of the matter darling. in a way, sounds like he is biding his time to leave at the best time for him. if he isnt intimate with you and sleeping on the couch there is a big divide btn you now. this problem needs to be brought to the forefront now before it worsens.sounds like he wont do it either. and if he doesnt want to be involved. you need to be black and white with him. because men are black and white. show him your boundaries and see if he respects them.

[TN_girl21 1]

Sorry I haven't updated! Things are back to normal. We had a sit down heart-to-heart. Things have been great for a couple of weeks now. And some good news....he more than likely has a job! And he is so excited! It's not quite what he wants, but he is taking it until something better comes along. I told him that is what he is going to have to do in this economy and he agreed. We are making plans for the future on everything. I really do feel like he was fighting depression. And I think the thought of me being skinny was scaring him in the fact that he was thinking I would leave him. I have reassured him that I am not. And he is even complimenting me on my weight loss quite a bit, which makes me feel great! I really want to thank every one of you for your support! Yall have no idea how much this truly helped me.