female only Feeling hopeless and don't know what to do...

[TN_girl21 1]

My husband of only 5 months told me he wants a divorce. And that we should have never gotten married and he wasn't ready for it. He did this back in October, and got over it and things were great! Now, 8 days after my surgery, he wants out again. He told me that he loves me but just can't be married. I asked him what I have been doing wrong, and he said I haven't done anything. I feel like such a failure at this relationship. All I can do is sit here and cry my eyes out. I can't even make myself drink a Protein Shake. Please help me....I need advice..I need something...I don't even know what I need. I don't want anybody but him. I married him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He keeps telling me that I will be ok, that I have my business and school to keep me occupied. And that I'm beautiful, and when I lose my weight I will have guys all over me. And I told him I don't want any other guy. Please help...

[Shmoopy 0]

I was married only 8 months before I found out my husband was having an affair with his boss. Then I found out she was pregnant. And then I found out they were going to Disneyworld during the week of what would've been our first anniversary (and oh, btw, we went to Disneyworld on our honeymoon). I know EXACTLY what you are going through. And I have to be honest...it was not easy. And it was scary. I would suggest seeing a therapist immediately. Maybe go on some sort of anti-anxiety medication. I got really really really depressed. And every day it was a struggle to get out of bed. Set very tiny small goals for yourself, whether it is for losing weight or just simply going to work all day, and reward yourself. NOW is the time for you to care about you! I'm really really sorry. Even though it's been years for me, it's still hard. I never had an anniversary. And I too married my husband thinking I would be with him forever and I loved him so much. But he was not worth it. And over time you'll work through this. But please get help. Don't get so overwhelmed that you crack under the pressure. Please feel free to email me at shmoopy32@yahoo.com if you want to talk about it. I absolutely know how you feel. Its really corny and cliche but it's a marathon, not a race. And you just have to put one foot in front of the other, and EVENTUALLY, you will get over him. You need to mourn the loss of your husband and marriage. Don't beat yourself up. Please go talk to someone. It can only help!

[TN_girl21 1]

He hasn't moved out or anything, yet...I keep praying that he will come home and have changed his mind. I asked him if he would go to couple's counseling before just giving up. His response was "Yeah, but it'll be a waste of money. You know I don't talk to people about things." His mom knows what's going on, and she is so mad at him. When he pulled this before, everybody kept telling me that he was stupid because he will never find anybody that loves him more than I do. I would do anything for this man. I haven't told my mom about this time because she will go crazy. I know I don't deserve this roller coaster, but I just don't know how I'm going to make it without him. He's my world..

[Shmoopy 0]

Sweetie, I'm going to say something that might sting, and I'm not saying this to be mean...but something is not adding up. And that usually means that's becuse something is missing. And that could be another woman? If he wont even TRY at counseling...c'mon!! I 100% understand that he is your world. I get it. I do!!! And this is what's going to make a separation/divorce even harder. You need to tell your family and friends. You need support. Do you see how he's worrying about himself, and doing what he wants to do? This is the first sign that he's not interested in helping you. So guess what? You have to help you!!! I know you want him to come home one days and say "hey you know what, I do love you, lets stay married." And could that happen? Sure. Anything can happen. But there's a very good chance that is not going to happen. So you need to be strong!!!!!!!!!! Do not beg him (I tried that. Didnt work). You are so young. You WILL get over him. I know that doesn't seem remotely plausible right now. But you will. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll stop crying and move on. It could take a while, I'm not going to lie. But it will happen. Focus on you!!

[TN_girl21 1]

I know you're not being mean, and I truly do appreciate you talking to me! I have only talked to one of my best friends and his mom about what's going on. Last time, I talked to more than that. I can't figure out what set this off. I mean, Wednesday morning, everything was great! We were laughing and cutting up. And when I got done with my 1 week check up from my surgery, he was wanting a divorce. His mom seems to think he will come around, and if he does, I will be soooo happy. But how long do I have to sit here and cry? I've been cuddled up in my snuggie all morning crying. Luckily my dogs are asleep in the recliner because I really don't feel like dealing with them. I can't make myself get up to just put in my contacts and straighten my hair. I'm so scared. I have some wedding pictures sitting out, and all I have to do is glance at one, and I start crying even more. If there is another woman, I wish he would tell me. At least that would give me some known reason for him wanting a divorce. Not that it would make it any easier, but I would have some knowledge of what's going on in his head.

[msampson 0]

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. If u beleieve in prayer U can ask God to help you. And he will. I have no specific advice but to say thank God he did it before you got into years of marriage. I am not for divorce either. I have been banded for 1 year on Jan 21, 2010. Never had men trying to talk to me but now that i have lost the weight i have a lot of men trying to talk to me. I have met one and hes the one I want but hes not to serious. So I am an eotiional wreck becuase hes the only one i want also.... BUt I have to say to myself that I derserve better than this. You have to know that there is someone out there that will treat you just as good as the last one. But you wont know that until you let go. Be Bless and always know Prayer changes things!

[TN_girl21 1]

I have been praying. And I know God works in His own time. My husband started asking me something this morning while we were having a talk, and I said "You can ask me whatever because nothing you can ask will hurt me more than you saying you want a divorce." And I didn't say it with a smart attitude. I was bawling my eyes out when I said it. He got so mad that he got ready and left. I can't figure out why it made him so mad. I don't know if it hit home that I truly am hurting or if he just doesn't care.

[Blaze21 5]

Maybe it's not another woman. Even though he knows you love him, maybe he thinks that you are going to lose weight and leave him anyway. He may be trying to beat you to the punch.

[TN_girl21 1]

Blaze, that is what his mom thinks is this is possibly coming from knowing that I will get skinny and get prettier. And I am not going to leave him when I do lose my weight. He came home, and we had another talk. He told me that he was not going anywhere, but that he did need to work on some stuff with himself. And I know that to be true. He is jobless right now, and feels like a failure. My income is enough to support both of us comfortably, and it makes him feel like he's a freeloader. But he is trying so hard to get a job. We discussed starting to go to church regularly. I think that would be a big help in our relationship. I have cried and prayed all morning, so maybe my prayers are starting to be answered!

[msdv 5]

I just wanted to say that I feel so bad for you and wish you the very best.

Everything that shmoopy said is true and on point.

There are not many women that have not gone through exactly what you are right now.

You are very young and do not deserve this but your Husband has you on an emotional rollercoaster which is abuse. Abuse is not only physical.

I went through the same thing when I was your age. We weren't married but were engaged and when he broke up with me I thought I would die. I stayed in bed for 2 weeks and lost 25lbs. I couldn't even drink Water to sustain my life. My Mother had to force me.

Looking back now I can see that if I could have begged him to stay with me it still would not have worked. Your Hubby is telling you who he is listen to him now before you have invested more of your life and heart into him. You cannot make someone love you or want to be committed to you.

You will see as time goes on he will stay with you but will you feel like you're really loved from the heart? is he committed to you and your marriage?

If this is about another woman or your weight loss their both bad signs.

I'm so sorry again. Tell your family and friends you need all the support you can get.

Your husband is right he is not ready to be married and noone can talk him into being ready. Not even you.

Oh and I'm now married to a wonderful man. If I had continued to beg someone else to love me that was not ready to maybe I would have missed out on my real hubby .

Edited January 8, 2010 by msdv

[onikenbai 33]

He's the failure, not you. It may sound cold, but boot him. Would you really be happy living with a person you had to persuade to stay with you? If you've only been married 5 months and this is the second episode of him wanting out, I honestly don't think all the therapy in the world is going to fix this without some major action. I would suggest a separation for a while where you do not see each other at all. That way he can a)get out of your life and stop making you so miserable by his daily waffling or b)realize he is being a tool and grow up.

If he's seeing somebody else then you've already lost him and there's not much you can do about it other than make him write all the notes to accompany the wedding presents that you would be returning. With all the waffling, it sort of sounds like he's missing out on that action-->consequence idea that most of us develop sometime during the teen years. Making him write all those notes for returned wedding gifts explaining to all the people who gave you something for your wedding may make him re-evaluate the situation and give him the swift kick in the behind it sounds like he needs. Call it "couples therapy for one".

[TN_girl21 1]

Well...I don't know what's going to happen. He keeps telling me he doesn't know what he wants. He told me yesterday he had decided he did want a divorce. But then he said "I don't know what I want, but I am seriously leaning towards leaving." I feel like my world is crashing down on me. He hasn't slept in the bed with me in 2 weeks. I offered to separate before just giving up, but he says he has no where to go. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. I just wish he would make up his mind. I either want to be happy and work on things...or I want to just go ahead and be completely heart broken. This in the middle thing is killing me.

[asherje 81]

I feel your pain, my exhusband and I were together for 7 1/2 yrs. When I gave birth to our son while I was on maternity leave and him on peternity leave, meet a whore online playing World of Warcraft and decieded that he wanted to be with her instead and sent me to my moms months day week stating he had a business trip and didnt want me and the 6week old home alone. And paided to fly her down here and had a week long affair in my own home taking pictures and videos over everything. (which I kept for leverage) It was awful. So here I was a new mom coming home to complete devistation. He even played the whole you'll find someone better for you game, then wanted to come home, then didnt know what he wanted felt torn and confused, would agree to marraige counceling but then would wig out and fly her back here. So in my experiences in life, its never you. Its them something in them is not making them happy and they cant explainit or they're just pigs but 99% of the time they have someone else. I recommend getting some therrapy, mabye some anti anxioty meds just to help you through this crappy time and best thing you can do is focus on you and getting your self healthy, because thats what you decided was best for you when you had the surgery and you will need to keep focused on this weither or not he comes back. Its still tough, Dec 22 would have been 10yrs together and for the first year and a half of my sons life I had to see him with the home wrecker, Karma is a B and she did the same thing to him. So now hes been alone off and on for the last year and then just this week blindly jumped into a engagment to a woman hes known for 3 months. So you know what let go, its hard but God has bigger and better things planned for you.

Jess

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

Ask if he would consider marriage counseling first. My thought is that something caused the initial issues and now, perhaps, he is intimidated by the changes you will be going through.

[TN_girl21 1]

Jess....I know God has so much in store for me. I have been praying about this for a week. There's times he acts like everything is ok, and then he will get depressed and "doesn't know what he wants". I just don't have the guts to give up and file for divorce yet.

Cathy...I offered counseling. He said that he would go, but it would be a waste of money because he doesn't talk about things. Which is true...he is the type to hold it all in. I am the same way, even though I am willing to talk to a professional.