Telling people, Judgements, and Accountability with the Band

[we3601 0]

Well, you can definitely add me to the None of Your Business Camp. Besides the medical staff, the only person that knows is my husband. I've read the other posts where people tried to keep it semi-secret and you have only confirmed my fears. Someone always "swears" someone else to secrecy and then it's common knowledge.

I struggled with the decision as far as telling my two sons (18 & 23) but decided it might be information they may tell their girlfriends, friends by "accident," and then I'm in the same situation where people that I don't want knowing my business end up knowing.

Unfortunately, WLS is judged by society and not in a positive light. I, myself, feel that I have taken a very, very extreme measure in the fight of obesity. I can't help but sometimes wish I had the "power" to lose weight with proper diet and exercise and not with the aid of a tool.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and have been sober almost 2 years so this may just be part of my problem, too. Admitting my food addiction may be even harder than admitting my addiction to alcohol. I am new to this lapband process so perhaps in time, I will be able to share this news in the future. But for now -- mums the word. I also don't know how successful I am going to be so telling others about this extreme measure and then failing would be devastating.

PS: I do sometimes remind my husband that he is the ONLY person who knows and that if it ever gets out, I'll know where to go "Soprano Style."

[btrieger 21]

WE,

What are you going to tell your sons next summer when they see you in your bikini and ask about the scars?

[tarajim 20]

Wow, what a varying set of replies... Most seem to respond about the judgements of others and who they told. A lot of really good venting and opinions. I have really enjoyed seeing the varying points of view, from people who practically market their decision to people that would rather not tell anyone.

My third point is about accountability. If you tell no one, who are you accountable too and is that a mechanism for preventing embarrasment if you fail? If you tell everyone, are you prepared to live with that failure or lack of achievment should it happen? Or are you so sure of yourself that you are willing to take that risk?

I, for one, want that risk. It heightens my desire to succeed and motivates me to push my exercise and stick to my food program.

I am not attempting to place a judgement on anyone for their decision. We all have our own emotional luggage and needs to protect or boost our egos. I applaude all of you that responded for sharing your views though, as it has made me understand the fragile nature of the decision we have all made.

Good luck to all of you. I look forward to the next year as I lose my next 100 lbs with you!!!

TJ

[btrieger 21]

I still stick with my original response. It is nobody's business but mine.

I am the only one that I am accountable to. I will probably be more judgmental of myself than anyone else would be anyways.

[pappyny 0]

I, too, am accountable just to myself. I am so determined to do this right, that I don't need to be accountable to anyone else. I am making this work for ME.

[zobee 0]

Isn't personal accountability one of the things we all need to learn? Aren't we supposed to be learning to take responsibility for the choices we make, rather than make excuses? And in making someone else accountable for our progress, isn't that a way to put at least part of the responsibility on others?

I really don't want to be flamed for this, LOL, but lets be honest here, we've all read the threads about how this one or that one is failing because their spouse is not supportive. That isn't the best situation, to be sure, and yes it makes it harder, but unless my spouse is shoving slider foods down my throat, I am responsible for any weight gain. I own my successes -- but I also own my failures.

This was my decision to make, and it was not predicated on whether or not the people in my life would act as my Diet Police or what have you. Honestly? I would be pretty upset if someone told me what I could or could not eat, or made little remarks if I cheated here or there -- regardless if their intentions were pure. I am not an idiot, nor am I a child. I would feel that these "good intentions" were implications that I was weak of mind, and I would resent that. A lot. The decision to have this surgery is not one that can be made by a weak minded individual!

Speaking only for myself, and not for anyone else here: If I cannot exercise a little willpower, after everything I've gone through with this surgery, then I feel like I wasn't ready to have the surgery. This is my body. This is my health. This is my life. Fail or succeed, I alone am accountable for it.

I totally respect those who told everyone, and that's cool if their relationships are such that spreading the word would mean a more positive experience. I cannot say that this would be the case for me, which is why I was upset that my personal business was discussed -- especially because I specifically said that I wanted it kept on the down low, and requested that they keep the info to themselves.

Edited January 2, 2010 by zobee
typo

[pappyny 0]

Well said, zobee!!!

[we3601 0]

This has been a great thread and I'm glad everyone is doing what they feel is best for them.

Btreiger, what a cute question! The word--how you say? -- "bikini" has never entered my vocabulary. I believe there is a picture of me in a two-piece swimming apparatus but I was around 10 years old. I'll be turning 47 in the next few weeks and although a bikini isn't in my near future. I kinda like the idea that it could be a possibility if I wanted it to be. I'll let you know about the scar conversation if I ever have to have it

I loved hearing all the different perspectives on this subject -- Success to all of us!!!!

[DizzyLizzy 21]

As far as accountability, I just shelled out a good $5,000 for pre-op testing and will be paying off a $15,000 loan over the next several years for the surgery itself. So, that right there will hold me accountable...lol! This WILL work for me!

[Soexcited 64]

LIZ...I never thought of that! Another good thing I need to remember or maybe get a Bracelet with some $$ on it. My hubbie and I were both self pay. $32K later THIS WILL WORK!

[GraciesMom 0]

I answered a post very much like this that was posted before my surgery with my conviction for pro-telling everyone. And I have to say I felt very alone with that response, in fact I think I said " I have told anyone who would listen". Yep, I too have told many, and have from the start. But my reasoning is for accountability purposes. It has served me well all my life, and have found that secrets are always found out anyway.

I believe in this new tool that I now own so much that even those neighsayers of the surgery walk away sincerely wishing me the best. But now I have a real point to prove to them, and I am not going to let this new tool and it's usefulness not show it's purpose. It has only been a little over a month, but the weight is coming off, and it is noticable, and I am getting very positive feedback, which is awesome.

Now, I just have to steady myself for all those "you are losing TOO MUCH weight" or "You are getting too skinny". I know those will be next as there seems to be two mind sets for those who are not in the WLS know, you are either to fail completely, or you lose way to much weight and get skinny. There is no healthy in-between.

[Cocoabean 430]

Snipped

Now, I just have to steady myself for all those "you are losing TOO MUCH weight" or "You are getting too skinny". I know those will be next as there seems to be two mind sets for those who are not in the WLS know, you are either to fail completely, or you lose way to much weight and get skinny. There is no healthy in-between.

GraciesMom--is Gracie the golden retriever? Love the name! Our neighbors have a golden, we suggested the name Gracie but they went with Stella, she's a peach :wub:

Anway, on topic.

After my weight loss stabilized a family memeber who has shared the weight battle with me and knew of my surgery said that she was glad she knew of it because while I was losing she might have worried that I was ill as it seemed I was losing so quickly and my body was changing so much from her perspective.

Now, in fact, I really wasn't losing at a fast clip, I averaged a little less than a pound a week. But I did find it intersting.

I think for many of us, we haven't been anywhere near a normal weight for so long that we look "sickly" or "too skinny" to people around us when we get anywhere near normal. I am still a few pounds above a normal BMI. So definitely not too skinny. But I have been warned about it! Too funny.

I am still amazed when I hold up my size 10 jeans, and I have been wearing them for almost a year. They are soooo cute!

Denise

[adagray 1]

This is such a great discussion I have to post again! LOL

Even though I am in the 'tell all' camp, my motivation is certainly not to hold myself accountable to these people. I agree that, ultimately, we all must be accountable to ourselves. Accountability to other people only lasts so long. I remember when I did Weight Watchers how it used to mean something to me that I was 'accountable' to the person weighing me in. But, after years and years of WW, I learned how to work the weigh-in person. Oh, its my time-of-the-month or I ate something salty and must be retaining Water. Or, I'm gaining muscle. Oh yeah sure, who was I kidding?!?! LOL Not saying that accountability to others doesn't help a little at the beginning, but its not gonna carry you through in the long-term. In the long-term, you know there is only one person you have to answer to and its you.

As for my pride and will I be terribly embarassed if I fail after I told all these people and want to crawl under a rock. Well, I've given up my pride a long time ago as far as my weight goes. All of my family and friends know how hard I have tried and they have already seen me lose lots of weight and gain it back. They love me and they share my pain in that.

So, if I was to fail again w/the band, then for me, I want them to be there for me through that too. That will be a very sad time for me if it happens, but I won't be devastated. I will have to pick myself up and move on and I will want my friends and family there to help me through it. Most likely, I would have revision surgery to RNY or the sleeve. My comorbid conditions are too numerous and severe to not do anything. Ack! But, let's not even think about that now!!! I'm gonna work this band as hard as I can and feel very confident that it will work.

[GraciesMom 0]

GraciesMom--is Gracie the golden retriever? Love the name! Our neighbors have a golden, we suggested the name Gracie but they went with Stella, she's a peach :thumbup:]

Hi Denise,

It is such a small world (but more about that in a minute)

Yeap, that's my golden, Grace Booms , ( a nickname resulting from her power and stength, but lack of agility), She is actually older than that pic now, but is our joy. We actually have 4 dogs, all rescues including Gracie, and all of different breeds. But I can honestly say we will NEVER be without a Golden in our lives again. They are absolutley a tremendous breed of dog.

WARNING: this breed is addicting, however if hair all over your house and furniture bothers you, then do not consider this breed!

Ok, the small world part is we also have a neighbor with a beautiful golden, and her name is Stella too. Also as for your screen name, that is my nickname for my 19 year old grandaughter.

Her name is Destiny, and since she was a little baby I have called her "Destiny de Cocoa Beans", I even had a little ditty that I sang to her that I made up with that name. I am a nickname developer, and do it with everyone!:wub:

She LOVES that name to this day, but I am not sure about the song

~Cheryl~

[Cocoabean 430]

[quote name=GraciesMom;1388360

Hi Denise' date='

Ok, the small world part is we also have a neighbor with a beautiful golden, and her name is Stella too. Also as for your screen name, that is my nickname for my 19 year old grandaughter.

Her name is Destiny, and since she was a little baby I have called her "Destiny de Cocoa Beans", I even had a little ditty that I sang to her that I made up with that name. I am a nickname developer, and do it with everyone!:wub:

She LOVES that name to this day, but I am not sure about the song

~Cheryl~

Hey Cheryl!

Cocoa was our beloved chocolate labrador. His name morphed into Cocoabean, then Sweetbean, Sweetbeany, and so on. He was such a clown! We still miss him. (sniff)

Now we have a yellow boy who has stolen our hearts. He is Butters aka Butterbean, Bubba, and Bubs.

We, too, do the nicknames and work them into songs!

I had to check to see if you were in Idaho. Stella's parents are there and she is named after her mother.

She's such a doll. We are giving serious consideration to a golden girlie for our next poochie. I'd have a whole pack if I could, but our circumstances don't allow for it. Two would be the max and will most likely happen when I retire in a few years.

For now, we have Butters, and Stella visits from across the street often. They are best buddies.

Denise