Telling people, Judgements, and Accountability with the Band

[umystifyme 3]

In the very beginning (March 2009), I chose only to tell my immediate family and a few close friends that I was going through the process to be approved for WLS. Their negative reactions toward my announcement really hurt my feelings. Also, they were not supportive of my decision to have WLS. In fact, they were against. I thought through time, they would become educated and more supportive but they didn't. In fact, they became more convinced that I shouldn't have the surgery. In my family and circle of friends, WLS is a taboo subject, like depression or alcoholism. I learned that people can be really judgmental. The very people that I loved and trusted. So, I kept my mouth shut and decided that it was no one's business but mine. So only those few know that I've been banded. Everyone else thinks I've had surgery for my endometriosis. Yes, I lied. Do I feel bad about lying? Nope. Do I feel accountable to anyone? Yes, I feel accountable to myself. Am I glad that I kept this as quiet as possible? Yes, because people are still in the dark about mental illness and other diseases. In 2010, I'm stil judged about suffering from depression. Talking about taking anti-depressants is a taboo topic. It makes other people uncomfortable. I don't go around saying, "Hi, my name is Amy and I'm Bipolar." Nor will I go around saying, "Hi, my name is Amy and I'm Banded." It's too personal for me to discuss with everyone. And it's no one's business. That's how I approached the situation.

BTW~ Hope you are doing well, Cheryl. :blushing:

Amy

[HiMow 0]

This is such a good point! I have been trying to explain why I was offended that my fiance told EVERYONE about my band. I am going to equate it to my antidepressants. Its a personal medical thing, some people need to know, but not everyone!

[1unknownperson 0]

I have chosen to only tell three of my closest friends... Most people I know are very judgmental about weight loss in general and think any WLS is a lazy cop out for an easy way out... Ha, if only people knew... This choice has set me back thousands of dollars and that in itself will make me accountable for following through with the plan... I know it's a matter of helping people to become educated regarding the procedure if they don’t agree with it, however, at this time, I don't feel like having to defend my decision and educate everyone who will have their comments.

I come from a very weight conscious family that can be very mean and hurtful and if after not seeing someone for 10+ years they will comment negatively if you have gained 5 or 10 pounds since they last saw you...

My boyfriend, who I live with does not even know about this... I had a hiking accident in October, and have had various medical procedures and reconstructive knee surgery and so I just lumped my band surgery right in there with everything else... I spent 4 days with my GF recovering with the excuse that while he was at work I would need someone with me all the time... I came home the day the chunky bandages came off... (I still have not let him see me without a shirt or pajama on since the scars are still so fresh.). He would probably be supportive of the weight loss however; he would certainly cringe at the expense of it if he knew my insurance did not cover it. Knowing what I paid would make him overly pushy about me getting my moneys worth and he would scrutinize every bite of food I eat no matter how little...

Anyhow, as for now, this is my business alone and my mind could change later when I reach my goal weight and maintain it... It could help to create a symbol of hope for others once I can show decent results...

Edited January 4, 2010 by JensGems

[Cocoabean 430]

Wow, Jennifer.

That is going to be a challenge to keep it a secret from someone you live with.

This has nothing to do with your right to medical privacy, and I am not saying you shouldn't keep it secret, just want to point out a couple of things, for what it is worth (which is probably nothing--you get what you pay for).

Nevermind the fact that you have five unexplainable scars on your belly. I am two years post-op and my scars are still red, but fading.

A stuck episode will be so hard to explain. I could not imagine the stress of trying to hide it from someone in my household.

But heck, I can't even hide it if I am having problems while eating out with a group and someone notices I am not eating much. I feel like I have to explain, so I do. That is just me, and it is the way I have chosen to handle the situation. Others may opt to say they are not hungry or they had a big breakfast/lunch.

My favorite spot during a stickage is hanging over the kitchen sink. Trying to hide when you are sliming and in pain for what can be hours at a time will be no easy feat.

I wish you all the best in your recovery from the surgery.

Denise

[1unknownperson 0]

Denise, My saving grace in being able to hide this from my live in boyfriend is that he is 60 years old (16 years older than me) and really out of touch with anything modern... He's like a 60 yr old stuck in the 1950's... I'm hoping the scars fade enough that I can convince him I've always had them the 4 years we have been together... I had my tubes tied the year before we started dating and maybe he'll just think thats what it is... One of my friends who does know about this calls me Lucy and says Ricky always catches her. Haha... My boyfriend drove me to the band surgery and thinks I had the first of "two" knee surgerys. The nurse called my GF with the release instructions and I stayed with her for 4 days to recover... They even bandaged and wrapped guaze around my knee before releasing me! My Dr. says he somewhat understands my situation but hopes I can eventually come out of the closet about being banded...

I have had food stuck already and the band has not even been filled yet. My first fill is tomorrow. Fortunately, I have been practicing small bites throughly chewed and I discovered that if I stand up and walk for a couple of minutes it goes down... My biggest concern is regarding taking my pain pills for my knee once the fill is done... Guess thats one more thing to ask the doctor tomorrow...

I made it though Christmas parties, Christmas dinners, Birthday parties and New Years and just let everyone know that my Orthopedic surgeon strongly recommended me to lose weight to help my knee recover better and everyone has been very supportive of my efforts without knowing I have been banded.

[we3601 0]

Hey Gems,

I gotta tell you, you really know how to turn a crappy situation into a golden opportunity. Nice job. I can't help but admire the lengths you've gone to keep it a secret. I know others may get all self-righteous and judge but I have to say your story brought a smile to my face

[curiousinoh 0]

I have found that those who do not want to share the news are more the individuals who have lower BMIs and just dont want to hear the - you aren't big enough for WLS. I happen to be one of these folks and 1) dont feel like it matters how you lose it as long as you do what you have to do and 2) shouldn't have to feel like you have to be 150 or more pounds overweight before someone thinks WLS is for you. Everyone has their own person weight issues. I've been small my entire life but have been 70 pounds overweight for that last five years. My 70 lbs may be comparable to another persons 200 lbs excess weight. I don't discuss any personal matters (kids, relationships) with co workers so I wouldn't share this either. Friends and family who love you are differerent but I see no reason to share such a person matter with co workers or casual friends. The band isn't a fix all you still have to do that work so if you lose weight with the band you have worked in some way to lose it. You can have the band and eat ice cream every day and actuall gain weight. So whether you share or not... be proud of your choice.

Edited January 5, 2010 by curiousinoh

[crzytchr 3]

Now, the one thing I will NEVER do is tell anyone I lost the weight w/just diet & exercise (when the time comes that people notice). I just could not do that because I can't stand to perpetuate the myth that I could do this without surgical intervention. I want to be part of the education of others about obesity and not ever say anything that would undermine or hurt another obese person. And, so even if the person asking me how I lost the weight is skinny, I would still tell them about LAP-BAND® because if I told them diet & exercise, then they may have a friend or loved one who is obese and think that they just need to push them to diet & exercise. I could never take the chance that my lie might cause more heartbreak and struggle for someone else struggling w/obesity.

I do not judge others that do not want to tell, though. It is a very personal decision. We all do what we can.

This is why I tell. I worked with someone who did just that. She was dropping weight and looked good. I was VERY overweight and wondered what she was doing. When I inquired she would look at me and grin and say "I am just eating less and exercising." This made me feel like huge failure because I just couldn't seem to keep off any weight that I lost. A couple of months later my coworker next door to me told me that the lady mentioned had been banded. BTW, she confided in someone who told someone else, who told someone else, etc...If you tell one person, it's probably not going to stay a secret. Please if you decide to keep it a secret, be VERY selective with who you tell. People at work will talk.

So, I decided if my sharing my banding journey with someone could help them, and having the control to tell myself, rather than other talking about it, helped me decide to not keep it a secret.

[Cocoabean 430]

Hey Jens,

Your knee accident timing could not have been better for your band surgery, eh? Glad that worked out in your favor, but it stinks to have been hurt. As to scars, you can always say, "scars? What scars? I don't see any scars!"

I do hope I did not sound as though I was judging your decision. Certainly not. Everyone's situation and choices are different and their own to manage. I have a big mouth, thus my decision to be open. I would not be able to remember whom and I had or had not told :-)

I hope it all works out for you. Do let us know how your fill went. I have been thinking of you today. I read on another post that you have had food stuck already. Perhaps you decided to postpone it.

Also, you can do a search on crushing meds and what to mix them with. I have not had to do this, but I seem to recall that applesauce was not the mixing agent of choice. Or perhaps your Orthopedic surgeon can prescribe liquid meds until you are more confident in being able to swallow pills?

Best wishes for a speedy recovery! Knees and stomachs!

Denise

[1unknownperson 0]

Cocoa, I typically have a big mouth and am very open about my life and whats going on... This is a big test for me to keep it to myself...

[curiousinoh 0]

Denise, My saving grace in being able to hide this from my live in boyfriend is that he is 60 years old (16 years older than me) and really out of touch with anything modern... He's like a 60 yr old stuck in the 1950's... I'm hoping the scars fade enough that I can convince him I've always had them the 4 years we have been together... I had my tubes tied the year before we started dating and maybe he'll just think thats what it is... One of my friends who does know about this calls me Lucy and says Ricky always catches her. Haha... My boyfriend drove me to the band surgery and thinks I had the first of "two" knee surgerys. The nurse called my GF with the release instructions and I stayed with her for 4 days to recover... They even bandaged and wrapped guaze around my knee before releasing me! My Dr. says he somewhat understands my situation but hopes I can eventually come out of the closet about being banded...

I have had food stuck already and the band has not even been filled yet. My first fill is tomorrow. Fortunately, I have been practicing small bites throughly chewed and I discovered that if I stand up and walk for a couple of minutes it goes down... My biggest concern is regarding taking my pain pills for my knee once the fill is done... Guess thats one more thing to ask the doctor tomorrow...

I made it though Christmas parties, Christmas dinners, Birthday parties and New Years and just let everyone know that my Orthopedic surgeon strongly recommended me to lose weight to help my knee recover better and everyone has been very supportive of my efforts without knowing I have been banded.

I just have to ask this... he's your live in boyfriend and you don't think he will notice scars all over your stomach? What about intimate moments? I like you am not telling people about my band but I dont know how that would be possible if I lived with a man. Really curious in OH! haha

[Brigette 65]

Hi Everyone,

This is a great thread. I initially planned NOT to tell anyone. But, later this has become so liberating for me. I tell most people and truly don't care what they think. I have gotten some negative--but, I really didn't care. And, I have gotten stronger through out the process. In fact, I initially didn't have my picture up fearing that some would recognize me. But, now, like the song says, "lets give them something to talk about". lol

Brigette

[1unknownperson 0]

I just have to ask this... he's your live in boyfriend and you don't think he will notice scars all over your stomach? What about intimate moments?

Curious,

So far all of our intimate moments consist of me keeping my pajama top on because it is winter time and it is freezing a$$ cold in this house... Haha... I figure that by the time he actually gets to see some skin again, I'll be able to convince him I've always had those scars... I had my tubes tied the year prior to starting my relationship with him... (When I realized my marriage was over and that I would soon be in a dating world, I had that done under my husbands insurance... ) My Biggest fear is that he will feel the thing because I can feel it with my fingers right through my skin... Now that would be hard to explain and I'll cross that bridge if it ever comes... hehe hee...

And I think it was your comment in a previous post I wanted to respond to as well about people with lower weight loss goals being the ones who are choosing not to tell others. Yes that is partly my motivation too...

I actually had close to 80 pounds to lose but I do hide my weight well because I am more solid than flabby... Plus my ARMS are way out of proportion to my body and probably account for 1/3 of my body weight! Even people at the WL clinic where I go for follow-ups/fills seem to judge me with comments like You don't even look like you need this surgery and stuff like that.... Okay, so I am not the largest woman in the Dr's office that still doesn't negate that I was 80 pounds overweight and want to lose as much of it as possible... I have been yo-yo dieting for 30 of my 43 years on this earth and I want something more permanent and manageable... I'm tired of being the Slightly heavy girl" or the "cuddly little thing" or the "pleasingly plump woman" or my personal favorite (NOT!) "The HEALTHIEST Chinese woman someones ever seen"... All of which are peoples "nice" ways of saying I'm a fatty... My mom died at the age of 51 of a heart attack and was probably 150 pounds overweight most of her adult life... I want to avoid the same fate...

I'm glad to have this forum and the support no matter what the size and amount of weight needs to be lost...

[curiousinoh 0]

Jennifer,

You are cracking me up. The whole knee surgery. My question is... why not come up with a surgery that involves your abdomen. I was able not to mention mine to anyone but there are lots of surgeries like female stuff where they go in laproscopically. My girlfriend had endometriosis and when it was removed she had the same scars on her tummy. Too bad you didn't do that - you wouldnt have had to limp or have him wonder about scars. haha

You have to keep us updated on this. LOL

My opinion unless someone else is paying for my 13K surgery, nothing about me or my surgery is anyone elses business. Even if they are overweight and asking!

[1unknownperson 0]

Jennifer,

You are cracking me up. The whole knee surgery. My question is... why not come up with a surgery that involves your abdomen.

Curious, The Knee surgery was true... In October I fell in the mountains and had to get airlifted out. Thats a whole nother adventure for another day! So basically I blew out my right knee and did have knee surgery... I just told everyone that due to the extensive damage, they had to do two surgeries. I actually had the Band done first because they just had an opening available. My Orthopedic Surgeon scheduled my Knee surgery a month out so once I had that set, My WLS Dr and I worked within that structure and he wanted to do that first so I would be back on real food before the other surgery so I could heal, and recover and gain strength quicker after the knee surgery... So thats how it all came about... I had been wanting to do the band for quite some time but the logistics just wern't in place and I had not committed to spending that kind of money... After the Hiking accident, I realized that its my money and I am worth spending it on myself and I really needed to have better health... So there it was... My Golden Opportunity...