Telling people, Judgements, and Accountability with the Band

[Yvette1026 0]

Interesting topic...I sit on the fence with this and teeter back and forth. I tell certain people and straight out lied to another group of people, which hurt me to do, because I'm not a liar. But even with them I said "I've reconsidered having surgery" which was true, I reconsidered for a moment, then reconsidered back to having it. I didn't feel the need to advertise either way.

My fear is not telling people or working out (I joined a gym and lost 140+lbs by sweating it off 5 years prior to surgery) it's that I've learned in this life that not everyone needs a front row ticket to your life, and VIP only holds so many.

I do a lot of public work, traveling, speaking, etc... I don't need or want the hassle or the headache of comments, special prep, etc... from people who "think" they're helping.

The majority of people don't realize this isn't a "diet" you can eat what you want, just not as much. But as soon as people find out they become supportive by becoming the diet police. "You can't eat that", "You better not eat that", etc...

I went through that recently with my mother of all people as she proceeded to tell me all weekend what I could and couldn't eat. I finally had enough and told her, I can eat what I want, explained WHY I could and HOW I could. I then explained everything to her. Which I had done many times before but she was SO against the surgery she wasn't hearing me. Educating her to the point, she's now considering the lapband for herself.

If I'm asked I'll tell as there's no shame in my game, but if it's not someone in the front row of my life, there's no point in advising them of the situation. The same as I wouldn't advise them about any other medical condition or treatment I'm undergoing.

[Melinco 1]

I am in the do not tell camp. If it were up to me, the only people who would know would be my husband and my best friend, in addition to the medical personnel, those here, and those who read my blog, and one person at work (my assistant) in case something happened.

However, my husband thought otherwise. He told his folks. He told my brother, who told his wife and my mom. He also told the people who work for him. To say I'm slightly pissed off is an understatement.

This is my journey. Not his. Yes, we are in this together, but it was not for him to tell. So I've not yet forgiven him for this.

I actually felt like quite the fool when we went to my Mom's for our Christmas dinner on Saturday. By then, my brother already knew. I had asked him not to tell anyone, as I would do that. Much to my dismay, he had already told his wife and my mom. So, when we get there, I'm thinking only he knows. So I'm eating dinner, cutting everything up in small bites, eating slowly, wondering why my SIL was watching me.

Mom gets to talking about when she is going to start her next diet (she's all about when the Farmer's Almanac says you should start a diet), when I say I started mine on the 17th. I got the lap band. She was like, yeah, I know, your brother told me. I was mad!

People just don't get it sometimes. Ugh. Anyway, I'm starting to get mad again, so I'll stop.

But anyway, each person should be able to choose who they are going to tell and who they're not, and not worry about it getting spread around. And it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being ashamed. I'm not ashamed of my band. I just don't think I should have to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry what my personal medical issues are. Do I ask you if you have Erectile Dysfunction? No.

[adagray 1]

I've told all of my friends and family, but I did not post it on my Facebook for every old acquaintance and coworker to see. I think there are pros/cons to telling and there's no right or wrong to it. If you tell, you do take a risk that you will not receive the reaction or support that you would like. On the upside, you might get some wonderful support. So far, all of my friends and family have been incredibly supportive. I stopped telling acquaintances, though, because too often I'd hear some WLS horror story or it just took too much effort to answer their questions.

Now, the one thing I will NEVER do is tell anyone I lost the weight w/just diet & exercise (when the time comes that people notice). I just could not do that because I can't stand to perpetuate the myth that I could do this without surgical intervention. I want to be part of the education of others about obesity and not ever say anything that would undermine or hurt another obese person. And, so even if the person asking me how I lost the weight is skinny, I would still tell them about lapband because if I told them diet & exercise, then they may have a friend or loved one who is obese and think that they just need to push them to diet & exercise. I could never take the chance that my lie might cause more heartbreak and struggle for someone else struggling w/obesity.

I do not judge others that do not want to tell, though. It is a very personal decision. We all do what we can.

[LollyMoe 1]

I told everybody that was important and a few others found out from them. Everyone is very supportive to me.

[healthierdiva 0]

Amen, girl!

[Cocoabean 430]

I chose to be open about it. The only person close to me that I didn't tell is my mother-in-law, and that is because she would have made a huge production out of it, and would still be asking me if I am ok and rubbing my cheek in concern--2 years later.

Some people assumed that I have done it on my own, since the loss was slow, and I didn't go out of my way to dispell them. But if asked how I did it, I tell the truth.

There was one person at work for whom I had a vehement dislike. I did tell her it was smaller portions, which was not a lie. But there was no way I was going to go into it with her. She'd proceed to say whatever she wanted to about me to anyone who'd listen anyway, so there was no point in wasting my breath. She was one who didn't need to lose weight but was forever saying she needed to go on a diet. Or complained about how "fat" she was. Ugh!

Anyway, my 2 cents worth.

Denise

[Yvette1026 0]

@Melinco - I totally understand your frustration. I had the same situation with my mother, she told EVERYONE, even when I wasn't 100% sure if I was doing it and asked her not to tell. I told her I'm only telling her, I didn't want everyone to know and she could tell my sister that's it. She decided to tell my sister in front of her other sister (who is not related to me or my mom.) Then she tells my brother, who then tells his brother (again not related to me or my mom) so now my siblings and their siblings know (which is why i told my mom NOT to say anything) and the brother's wife leave my mom an open message on her Facebook about my surgery.

I was SO mad, I still am... Then I confronted my brother about it and he's like oh man you know we were just sittin' around and it came up.

Ummm yeah because you all have nothing better to do than talk about me?!?!?!??!?!

They all want to say oh c'mon it's family.. ummm no it's not.. I'm not related to them, I see them once or twice a year, if even that much. There's people alot closer to me that I haven't told and the bottom line is they're wrong for telling my business, especially when they were asked not to.

The one thing I asked was for people to respect my privacy, and of all people my mother violated it and then it spread like wild fire. I actually wasn't going to tell her I had it done, but since I live alone, etc.. I kinda needed to.

It's all about people not respecting your privacy and more importantly your CHOICE. I get very upset when someone takes my choice from me, especially on something that isn't theirs to share or really be a part of.

[Humming Bird 275]

I've told everyone. All have been very supportive. It works for me.

I think people in general are much more negatively judgemental of those who are morbidly obese and are doing nothing about it.

Isn't it great that men and women are so different? This world wouldn't be as great if we were the same.

[ElfiePoo 109]

I made the decision to be open about this because I thought it was a good opportunity to educate the public. Too many people (even fat people) think we're fat because we're lazy or stupid or have a character defect.

It's a good thing I did decide to be open about it because my mom has a network of friends in New Zealand and they knew within 24 hours after I told her and are wishing me well and giving tremendous support. My mother-in-law is French and so a small town in France is now cheering me on. My husband told a few people at work and now I'm being asked by some of his co-workers if I'd mind talking to their spouse who's expressed interest...and so on. My aunt runs a small newspaper in my hometown and wondered if I'd be interested in doing a series of articles on my 'journey' for the paper. I'm considering it.

I don't worry about those who judge me for eating in a manner they deem unacceptable or not losing weight as fast as they think I should be losing. That is their problem.

I strongly recommend Camryn Manheim's book, "Wake Up, I'm Fat". I read this book several years ago and it was an epiphany for me. From that day forward I was never ashamed of being fat and the word 'fat' stopped being an insult.

I was even able to deal with the obnoxiously rude teenager who, trying to impress her friends, public proclaimed "Boy lady, you sure do have a fat ass." I just turned and calmly told her. "Yes, I am obviously not blind and neither are the people within range of your voice, so we're all aware of that. So one wonders what your purpose is in pointing it out so loudly and publicly." It left her speechless and one of her friends actually apologized for her.

.

[greytz 4]

In the beginning, I chose to tell very few people. Just my Mom and my husband and two very close friends. Now, since I have lost so much, everyone notices of course and has the audicity to say, how did you do it? The first time, it happened, I was totally caught off guard and had to decide in a split second how I was going to respond. I just blurted out the truth. It was my gut instinct and from then on, I decided if people were brazen enough to ask, I would just tell the truth. Who cares what they think? Most of the feedback has been positive. Don't know and don't care what happens when I leave the room. Some have asked for a business card for my surgeon because they are truly wanting to change their lives and I have become a great advocate for the band. So, inadvertantly, I have not really sought support from others but hopefully inspired them in some way to help themselves. It has been a real boost to my own journey and weight loss efforts. I now go to seminars and tell my story and show my before pics. It is really good for me and keeps me focused.

[nellie09 0]

For me it's a private journey. Everyone at work knows, but in my private life only a few. I've always been a private, very independent person. It's not because of fear of being judged but because it's journey that is my own. Everyone can cheer me on or not, but in the end it's up to me.

[zobee 0]

Despite his invitation for flaming, lol, I think that btrieger put it best. I don't tell people because frankly, it isn't any of their business. Truth be told, my name is not Zoe -- that is part of a pen name that I use in my writing career - and as I do not want everyone and their little brothers to know about my surgery, I felt it best not to disclose my real name on this site.

In my experience, there is a definite negative stigma attached to WLS. By and large, I fave found that most people who do not need WLS think that those of us who do are weak. I have even had doctors tell me that I didn't need it - I could do it on my own if I just tried. Uhm -- no, I can't. And I can't for very valid reasons; medical reasons that the doctors themselves have diagnosed.

And then there are the extended family members and all their judgments. Inlaws that I never speak to anyway, cousins I haven't heard from in years -- it just isn't any of their business. If someone noticed the weight loss, then I would tell them, but otherwise, not so much. I don't feel obligated to report every aspect of my health status to people who are not significant parts of my life.

I told my immediate family, one sister and one brother, and my father in law and his wife. That's it. Unfortunately, two of those people each told someone else, who then proceeded to call everyone they know, and before you know it, everyone knows my business -- and yes, I am also pretty upset about this.

Good topic. It is interesting to read the various viewpoints.

[Cocoabean 430]

The way I see it with keeping it private...which certainly is your choice.

1. You swear a person who needs to know to secrecy or tell them that they may tell one person. So they do, and swear that person to secrecy or give permission that they may tell one person. Yada yada...every one is in your business.

2. People see you have lost weight and comment. Many are curious as to how you do it. Some are interested for personal reasons. I am guilty of this.

A person I sort of knew at work was losing weight, I asked how she did it, thinking maybe she had found the magic bullet. She confided after a moment's cosideration that she had gone through gastric bypass.

I am sure she had gone through the same thought process of how to handle the situration. I am thankful she told me. She helped me to see that it was possible to me, also.

So, for what it is worth, that's my thinking on the topic.

I chose to be open...except for the two people I mentioned upthread.

Denise

[flychica 0]

I've told everyone....family, close-friends, co-workers (heck, some co-workers have it) and FB/internet friends. I hold no shame in my decision and my journey (and thats not poking at anyone else personally in their choice). And pretty much don't care what others think to worry about their judgment. If they have thoughts on it negatively, no one has said anything. In fact, I've had some friends and strangers hit me up personally to ask questions on it.

At work, the only examples were extreme bad examples of people who had it. So some co-workers were concerned for me, because they seen me eating things others who had the surgery were not. I had to explain to them that I'm okay, and what they see of me and another co-worker is the usual w/ the lap band.

[Northern Mist 2]

I was unsure about telling people at first but I have decided that if I'm asked or if people notice the lack of eating or the different issues that may pop up with the band I'm not going to hide it.

I have told some family members and friends about it so I don't have to feel as if I'm hiding it. I have also told the owners of the company I manage - they're in their 70's and were suprisingly supportive.

I'm not announcing it from the rooftops but I'm not going to hide it either.

If people judge me or say rude things - I'll have to call them on it so they don't continue.

I will not be asked , "How much are you losing" twice by the same person - unless they want to be asked something rude in return. (unless they're the ones that really care)

I'll have to think of some responses because I really am a non-confrontational person but I have decided that needs to change too!