Telling people, Judgements, and Accountability with the Band

[tarajim 20]

Hi to all,

I have been here just over 2 months, and have been banded 6 weeks and had one fill.

One thing in have observed is the number of people that seem to be embarassed during this journey. There are many posts about people that don't want to tell others, including not telling friends, co-workers, family and even significant others. I also have observed a number of posts about not wanting to work out in public at a gym, trying to eat the required diet in front of people that do not know what you are going through.

I started out thinking I did not want to tell anyone either. At the very beginning, I did not want anyone in my family to know. I just didn't want to be negatively judged.

But then as I got closer to the time for the surgery I had a change of mind. I thought, the more people that know, the more support I will get, and the more people I will be accountable to succeed.

I feel now that people are interested in my progress (as long as I don't obsess and bore them), ask questions, and cheer me on after they know what I am going through. I also hear a lot of other stories of people who my friends know that have been through my story with success and this helps me.

It also helps to get out of bed, go to the gym, sweat, and know that no one there really cares about what I look like or what I am doing. I have seen EVERY body type at the gym. And I think it is terrific when I see the same faces each day, working through the pain and sweat, to get better. When you are there everyday, you will lose the embarrasment and maybe even find new friends that are doing what you do.

Mostly, I have found that the more people that know, the more I remain committed to eat right, hit the gym, and not retreat into old habits and comfort zones. You can't make progress unless you do the right things everyday!!!

I feel like getting banded is cause to Celebrate starting a new life, and you have to share to celebrate. It is also a time where you are vulnerable to old ways and need lots of people giving you cheers and sometime kicks, to keep doing the things to make this a true life changing event.

Does anyone else feel this way? Why do you hide? Why do you keep it secret? I understand the embarassment emotion, are there other things like fear of failure that worry you?

I got the band cause I finally decided, after 30 years, that I truly wanted to live. And I mean really live. Living to me involves lots of friends and supportive, positive people too, so I choose to start now!!!

All of you that post are an inspiration to me... Thanks for being part of my support system.

TJ

[DizzyLizzy 21]

Hi to all,

I have been here just over 2 months, and have been banded 6 weeks and had one fill.

One thing in have observed is the number of people that seem to be embarassed during this journey. There are many posts about people that don't want to tell others, including not telling friends, co-workers, family and even significant others. I also have observed a number of posts about not wanting to work out in public at a gym, trying to eat the required diet in front of people that do not know what you are going through.

I started out thinking I did not want to tell anyone either. At the very beginning, I did not want anyone in my family to know. I just didn't want to be negatively judged.

But then as I got closer to the time for the surgery I had a change of mind. I thought, the more people that know, the more support I will get, and the more people I will be accountable to succeed.

I feel now that people are interested in my progress (as long as I don't obsess and bore them), ask questions, and cheer me on after they know what I am going through. I also hear a lot of other stories of people who my friends know that have been through my story with success and this helps me.

It also helps to get out of bed, go to the gym, sweat, and know that no one there really cares about what I look like or what I am doing. I have seen EVERY body type at the gym. And I think it is terrific when I see the same faces each day, working through the pain and sweat, to get better. When you are there everyday, you will lose the embarrasment and maybe even find new friends that are doing what you do.

Mostly, I have found that the more people that know, the more I remain committed to eat right, hit the gym, and not retreat into old habits and comfort zones. You can't make progress unless you do the right things everyday!!!

I feel like getting banded is cause to Celebrate starting a new life, and you have to share to celebrate. It is also a time where you are vulnerable to old ways and need lots of people giving you cheers and sometime kicks, to keep doing the things to make this a true life changing event.

Does anyone else feel this way? Why do you hide? Why do you keep it secret? I understand the embarassment emotion, are there other things like fear of failure that worry you?

I got the band cause I finally decided, after 30 years, that I truly wanted to live. And I mean really live. Living to me involves lots of friends and supportive, positive people too, so I choose to start now!!!

All of you that post are an inspiration to me... Thanks for being part of my support system.

TJ

I've been kind of conflicted as well. I want to tell everyone, but I know how people can be...smile in your face and say "oh that's great" and then talk about you behind your back. I had no problem telling my immediate family, I know they love me no matter what. And even my in-laws, I had no problem with telling. I had to tell my boss because I'm a bad liar and couldn't think of any good reason to give for my time off. And I ended up telling a 4 of my co-workers (didn't really want to) because we were discussing what to do (eat) for our holiday party which took place during my pre-op liquid diet. So, I couldn't give any other good reason as to why I didn't care what they ate and why I wouldn't be eating. And I told two of friends who are really into religion because I knew they would pray for me and be really supportive. And they are just nice people all around.

But, other than that, I haven't told anyone. If people ask or if word gets around I will "admit" to having lapband, but I'm not going to shout it from the roof tops, you know.

Especially not until I see some super fantastic results, lol! I'm kinda worried at this point not having a fill yet and I haven't lost anything in 2 days since I've started eating again, so I hope this works for me. I'd be pretty darn upset going through all this and paying $15 grand out of pocket for this to not work. And to have people know I did all this "for nothing", I feel like I might as well crawl in a hole and never come back up!

[kagead 0]

I am one of those who has been telling people. My mom had LB surgery 2 years ago (and has been VERY successful) so my immediate family was no problem.

I am very lucky to have a large, supportive group of friends, many I have known since childhood and college (I am 40.) If I had a friend I couldn't tell, that would seriously make me rethink the friendship. FWIW, all my friends are average weight and know the struggles I have always had.

As I mentioned on another thread, while a few expressed some serious concern without judgement, the rest were on board from the minute I told them. Personally, I need that support group behind me. I'll have enough to worry about post-op; trying to justify strange eating habits or G-d forbid trying to hide a sliming or stuck episode is something I just don't need to deal with.

I am self employed and work from a home office, so I don't have co-workers or a boss to deal with on a daily basis. My clients don't know, nor to the manufacturers I represent. A few close colleagues know, but that is because I travel with them fairly frequently and we eat out together when on the road.

As far as judgement from others about the surgery or at the gym, there is not one darn thing I can do about that. If someone wants to judge me for making an effort to improve myself, so be it. I can only control myself, not others. I feel like an elephant doing ballet at my yoga class. I know the sweat pouring off of me when I'm on the treadmill makes it look like I am about to keel over. Oh well. It took a very long time to learn that lesson, but it is incredibly liberating.

I have already told everyone how much their support means to me and I know that will continue going forward.

Hoping that we all see success in 2010!

kagead

Edited December 31, 2009 by kagead

[Cingulus 0]

Hi TaraJim,

I am not advertising my WLS, nor will I hide it if asked. I am sure I will get some flame mail for this. However, my observatoin is that for the most part, it is much more difficult for women than men when it comes to talking about WLS. I don't know what the ratio of men to women is on the LBT, but is feels skewed towards women.

I have also found that when I tell my guy freinds they look at me and shrug, say good luck and that is about the end of the conversatoin. I have observed that the women are much more judgemental and in many cases meaner to each other. They poke and prod at the subject with other women.

Regarding the gym, I agee that you just have to ingore folks and go do your thing. However, of the women in my life, few of them have the confidence level to do that, even when they know intellectually they have to go to the gym to get where they want, they often don't want to, until they are very close to their goals.

WLS is never easy, but I do think guys have a much easier time getting support and endure less vocalized critisim than women do, overall, through the process based on my observatoins.

Shaun

[tarajim 20]

Really good points Shaun, and I hope you don't get flamed...

I have noticed the man/woman thing too. Look forward to the feedback from them as well.

Good luck to you....... (Shrug)... haha

TJ

[puddinz 0]

I must admit that I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I didnt really care who knew. Everyone I work with has been really supportive and my close family are really excited for me.

If there have been those who have smiled to my face and are nasty behind it I just think let them! while they are doing that to me they are leaving someone else alone! I am not one to worry too much what other people think nayway but each to there own and I can understand why others might not want to advertise their bands.

I think the world could do with a little bit more live and let live.

xx

[btrieger 21]

I don't plan on telling anybody at work but not because I am keeping it a secret. I am not telling them because it is none of their business.

If they happen to notice and ask me how I lost the weight and I think they are sincere and not just making idle chat, I will tell them.

I am a very independent guy and don't like being patronized. I find that a lot of people tend to be overly supportive when they find out I am trying to lose weight.

It gets old being asked a dozen times a day how much I've lost especially when it's somebody I know that doesn't give a rats ass about me.

Then there are those that tell me how good I look and take offense when I asked them if I looked bad before.

I am doing this for me and don't need the praise of anybody else. Sure it help but as I mentioned above, people get carried away and that defeats the purpose.

That being said, I always assume that most fat people, including everybody here is sincere in their praise because they know how much work and dedication it takes for us to lose a single pound.

Let me finish by saying, you are doing a great job and keep it up!

[healthierdiva 0]

Hi,

I got banded one week ago and feel great about it. Congratulations on your journey and thoughts about banding.

In terms of telling people, I struggle with this. My mom, best friend, and aunt know about this. The others know that I had hernia surgery which is partly true because I had a huge repair done during my surgery as well.

I am choosing not to tell anyone. My main reasons are that it doesn't matter how you get to your goal, the end result is your goal. My goal is the live a healthier life at a healthier weight and my journey is mine and mine alone. Being heavy, you want to be invisible but you can't. I feel that I tell people about my surgery, they'll still continue to look at what I eat, and say "why is she eating that" or "you better not gain the weight back" as my doctor's assistant said to me (I know..unprofessional!) Anyway, I think the journey is a personal one for me.

Also, people who aren't obese, think that this surgery is a cop-out...an "easy way out"...because they are uneducated about it. They don't realize that I still have to work harder than before. I don't want to have to explain my decision as it was purely my own. I don't recommend this surgery for everyone. I researched, battled for years, etc. I am thankful that I have this forum to post my thoughts.

Thank you for your post and I wish you all the best in your journey.

[healthierdiva 0]

Congrats on your loss!

[Diamondgirl81 0]

Hi Tarajim,

I completely agree with you. I feel that the more people I've let in and told, the more support I've gotten. When it comes to eating the "new" way in front of people, it hasn't been an issue. I mean, I never had any trouble stuffing my face infront them, so why would I have any issue eating in front of my friends now. I think that people that have been in our lives and seen our weight troubles will understand and be supportive, as they probably were throughout all of our other weightloss attempts. When it comes to strangers or co-workers, I'm not one of those that typically cares about what people think, especially those not close to me, so as long as I'm satisfied that's all that counts.

[btrieger 21]

Shaun,

I don't think that it is just that women are more judgmental of each other. I think that we (men) just handle it better or ignore the comments. Women are much more emotional and take the comments to heart.

I find it somewhat entertaining sometimes. Talk about inviting flames.

[pappyny 0]

I am one that chosen not to tell many people. My husband, mom and step dad and a few close friends are the only ones that know. I am not embarrassed by any means. I just know that some other family members would judge me for having WLS. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. My dad has always just ignored the fact that I was overweight. He was never supportive when I tried to lose. My brother has always picked on me for my weight up until about 2 years ago. Over 20 years of being teased by brother, I can just imagine what he would have to say about this.

My husband is in the military so we don't live near family. When we go back to NY this summer, I'm hoping I will be close to goal. If anyone asks me how I did it, I will be more than happy to tell them I had lapband surgery. If anyone were to ask me now, I would tell them. I'm certainly not going to lie about it

I guess the biggest reason I don't shout it from the roof top is that if I tell people, most people think all kinds of WLS are these magical thing that just make you lose all your excess weight within a couple of months. It's just not true, but a lot of people think that. I'm not willing to put myself out there to be judged by the rate at which I am losing. I personally lost slower at the beginning that some I've seen on here, but now I feel like I'm at my "sweet spot" and I'm losing at least 3lbs. most weeks.

So, I guess for me it's the being judged by other people that I can't handle.

Hope this all makes sense :biggrin:

Karyn

[Jessrw 0]

I have told everyone I know. However, If i didn't want anyone to know I would be screwed b/c my mother tells everyone and I am from a small town so word gets around. I have all ready gotten messages from people I have not seen or talked to in years telling me they heard and they are all very positive. There is seriously not one person that I know that doesn't know about my band, and I have had only positive responses. I think it is so sad when i hear about people who do not have the support from their family and friends. I have more support then I ever imagined. I am so thankful for everyone who stands behind me doing this. As far as being embarrassed I am not. I don't think there is anything embarrassing about getting healthy. I live in a college town and the college I got to has a very nice gym. So when I go I am surrounded by hot college girls running. I use it as motivation b/c one day if i keep going I will be one of those hot girls running. I think that telling people is good b/c the band is part of who you are now. I don't think people should be ashamed about who they are.

[Soexcited 64]

My husband and I both got banded. We told our parents (mine and his) and thats it. We both feel that some things are private family buisness and in general seem to be much more private about a lot of things compared to many people I know both men and women. We just do not see the need to share personal matters to the general public (oh that does not include the thousands of strangers here on this board where I share my soul!). Its a personal choice to tell or not to tell....I suppport everyones own personal choice.

[Cingulus 0]

Shaun,

I don't think that it is just that women are more judgmental of each other. I think that we (men) just handle it better or ignore the comments. Women are much more emotional and take the comments to heart.

I find it somewhat entertaining sometimes. Talk about inviting flames.

Yeah, Break out the Kevlar :biggrin: