My wife is scheduled for surgery...concerned

[rej1977 0]

My wife is scheduled for the lapband surgery. She is on this website a lot and talks about how great the information and support is. I guess I just have a general question...I want to know how i can make this easier for her. She is so excited to start this process and I AM happy for her. But being the husband, I am concerned for her health...it is surgery afterall, I am concerned that there will be problems later on down the road, and I am concerned that it will be just like the last times. ( she loses and then she gains) I am also overweight so I totally understand the rollercoaster she is dealing with. That said, I want to be able to support her in this. So, my question is to those that have been through it, what has been the most helpful of your spouses/friends and what has hurt or hendered you. I want to do everything I can to be the support system that she needs. Also, she isnt wanting to tell anyone and I will totally go along with what she decides...but I honestly dont get it. She says that she doesnt want people judging her or her methods of losing weight...but are people really that vocal about it? I figured everyone would think it was wonderful no matter how she does it. Any feedback will be great. Thanks in advance.

[Mrs.Deering 0]

My wife is scheduled for the LAP-BAND® surgery. She is on this website a lot and talks about how great the information and support is. I guess I just have a general question...I want to know how i can make this easier for her. She is so excited to start this process and I AM happy for her. But being the husband, I am concerned for her health...it is surgery afterall, I am concerned that there will be problems later on down the road, and I am concerned that it will be just like the last times. ( she loses and then she gains) I am also overweight so I totally understand the rollercoaster she is dealing with. That said, I want to be able to support her in this. So, my question is to those that have been through it, what has been the most helpful of your spouses/friends and what has hurt or hendered you. I want to do everything I can to be the support system that she needs. Also, she isnt wanting to tell anyone and I will totally go along with what she decides...but I honestly dont get it. She says that she doesnt want people judging her or her methods of losing weight...but are people really that vocal about it? I figured everyone would think it was wonderful no matter how she does it. Any feedback will be great. Thanks in advance.

It is wonderful that your wife has someone beside her that is willing to support her. I know that without the help and support from my husband I wouldn't have made it this far.

For the concern as to her regaining the weight back. I wont lie, it is possible. But if she sticks to the diet and does as she is suppose to, she should do just fine. I know that most people on this site has been able to lose the weight, that wasn't the problem, the problem was, regaining it back. I went through it for almost 11 years. If it helps, yes I have gained about 5 pounds since I had my surgery back in August of 2008. But it comes off pretty fast when I do as I am suppose to.

Her not wanting to tell people that she is having this done is normal. I understand her not wanting everyone to know what she is doing. After all, it is no ones business what she is doing. Yes people are very vocal as to the surgery. Some are understanding of it, but most put you down for having it done. My dad didn't understand why I was wanting to have it done until I starting losing the weight and keeping it off. Now he fusses on me if I so much as have a cookie. I have a cousin that has point blank told me that I was cheating and taking the easy way out. I just told her, that I loved her but she had no idea what I was going through. I have had to basically learn again how to eat. Learn what I can't eat and learn what happens if I eat what I know I shouldn't be eating such as anything greasy or spicey.

In the end, my opinion is this, it doesn't matter what any one else thinks about what I have done. I did this for myself and no one else. I did it to feel better about myself and to make it where I could actually get out and play with my kids. If other people don't like the way I am doing, then they have the option of not being around.

I know your wife will be fine. She is lucky to have someone like you to stand beside her with her decision she is making for a better and healthier life.

[alicia3138 1]

I can understand her not wanting anyone to know. I told about 5 people. 3 of those people have been FANTASTIC. Asking questions of concern and interest, and being all-around encouraging. Another friend just doesn't get it. And the last friend called me "lazy". So, not everyone will have the same reaction. A lot of people do not know what it is like to be overweight their whole life, and think just going to the gym will automatically "fix" it.

Also, this procedure is probably a lot safer than her being overweight for the rest of her life, or her constant "roller coaster" dieting. The risk of death is super low.

One thing you might want to avoid is being the "food police", that is, reminding her of what she can and cannot eat. My mother likes to constantly remind me of the food I won't be able to eat again, and that I'll never be going out to eat at restaurants again, which isn't necessarily true. Most bandsters can eat most food again, just in smaller quantities.

The hardest for her will probably be right before and right after surgery, mostly the pre-op and post-op diets. The diets restrict what she can and cannot eat so she can shrink her liver for surgery, then allow her stomach to heal.

I think it's great that you are seeking help from other people as to how to help her out. You are a great husband!

[LollyMoe 1]

Just be a loving husband and NOT a judge! She will need your support but not your judgements. Let her set the pace of what she tells and who.

You might want to try to do some of the things she will doing also since you said you had a weight problem. However, don't get in a contest with her over it. Men lose faster than women and you don't want her to think you're out to show her up.

Have a pillow in the car for the drive home. Put it between her tummy & the seat belt. Have some Gas-X strips on hand, plenty of Water, some Benefiber (in case), and the broths/protein shakes/jello/etc that she can have. Don't be surprised if she sleeps in a reclinder for a few nights. Encourage her to walk around the house to help with the gas.

You sound like a great concerned hubby, so you should be alright.

[TinaM 0]

what a great hubby you are!

Everyone has given you great advice.

I want to add a do not do-

So I kept the surgery private - a total of 8 people know all but 3 live out of state.

So my parents come in town to help me after the surgery which I LOVED them for doing it.

3 days post surgery I'm drinking a delicious cup of broth for the umpteenth time and my dad says "so when do you figure you'll need the other surgery". I looked at him and said what surgery is that dad? He said "to remove the xcess skin and put things back together, I figure you are going to lose what 180lbs with this right"

I know he meant well, I have not given them any indication on what my goal is other than being healthier.

Knowing now that someone in the 'inner circle' is keeping count if you will just makes me so darn nervous! I wish he would just kept that comment in.

[ElfiePoo 109]

That said, I want to be able to support her in this. So, my question is to those that have been through it, what has been the most helpful of your spouses/friends and what has hurt or hendered you.QUOTE]

You're doing it. The most helpful thing my husband did was accepting that this was something I had to do.

After surgery and until your wife gets some restriction, she's still going to be her 'old self' and will most likely struggle with her eating just as she did prior to the band. Prior to surgery day, help her clean out the cupboards and get rid of the junk food and then after the surgery don't bring it into the house.

As for your fear that she'll gain it back...I guess it depends on whether or not the band is appropriate for her. The band, once it is fully functioning, controls excessive eating and provides the 'stop' signal. It's still up to us to control what we put into our bodies. So if her problem is excess eating, she'll likely be one of the success stories. If her problem is sugared pop and sweets, the band won't keep her from continuing with this type of eating. From talking with others, it appears that most sweets 'slide' right on through even when there's restriction.

[tdtucker 0]

First of all you are already doing the most important thing you could do and getting prepared and being supportive now. I personally could not have done this without my family. I personally told my family and my brother who I am extremely close to was very upset about me having it. Now I am 3 weeks out and doing so well, he finally sees that it wasn't a horrible thing and that I am happy and on my way to being healthy. If your wife doesn't want to tell anyone, that is her decision and you should support it. This is a personal decision and should only be shared with those you choose to share it with.

It is inspiring to see a husband who is so supportive. Good luck to your wife!

[dbeers 0]

It sounds like you are already on the right track, you are asking what you can do to help her. My husband has been the greatest since I had my surgery. He never watches what I eat or tells me not to eat something that is bad for my diet, because over Christmas I have been bad. I also only told a few people about my surgery in the beginning. Over the last few months I have told a few more, but I'm still very limited on who I want to know. People can be very judgemental and I do not want to deal with there comments, I did not tell my own sister for that reason. I wish your wife the best of luck and she is very lucky to have your support.

[Ryno 0]

Being a Man, I understand where your coming from...

I had an easy time making this decision to have the Surgery, but man on Sugery Day, I was White as a Ghost with fear.

The surgery went fine and I was sore for a good week, and couldn't sleep in a Bed for about 3 weeks. My Recliner was my lifesaver.

About how to be helpful, my wife help reminds me about Portion Control, because I was a HUGE eater.

Really about the best thing you can do is just be supportive, and help her with simple things people take for granted like getting Socks and Shoes on and off. (Took me a good week and half before I could tie my shoes. LOL)

She's going to be sore, but that pain will go away, and she's going to wonder if she did the right thing, and at least in my case I did, and it helps to have someone to remind you of that. Honestly, just tell her your proud of her, it will mean the world to her.

[nkara 0]

What a wonderful husband you are by caring and asking how to help her. I give you an A+ for that. :biggrin:

As far as helping her. Just be there for her every step of the way. Don't worry about the outside world if she doesn't want anyone to know. I can totally understand her not wanting to tell anyone. She is afraid and excited, which is normal.

I will say be patient with her. The beginning stages are rough. Emotionally she will need you and of course if she has pain physically she will need you to help her.

If she works with the band she will succeed. Always remember it is a tool to help loose and keep the weight off. It's not a miracle where "poof" the weight will just disappear.

Good luck to both of you and keep us posted on her progress and yours.

[spadilla4 0]

Well I totally understand her not wanting to tell anyone( a lot of people think it's the easy way out-and us Bandsters DON'T want to hear that becasue we are working hard for our new healthier lives) I also only told my mom and hubby....and am keeping it very private! It's hard to keep it private because people don't understand why you can't eat this or that and therefor your friends cannot show any support if they don't know about the surgery. As for what you can do...let her rest and encourage her to do so. Also try to eat as clean as you can to show support...most of us are food addicts and it doesn't help if your spouse is inhaling Fast Food or junk food. My husband is on the diet with me...and it helps a lot! And last but not least GOOD LUCK!!!

Banded 12-24-09= 270lbs

12-31-09= 255lbs

[Astrasmom 1]

My wife is scheduled for the LAP-BAND® surgery. She is on this website a lot and talks about how great the information and support is. I guess I just have a general question...I want to know how i can make this easier for her. She is so excited to start this process and I AM happy for her. But being the husband, I am concerned for her health...it is surgery afterall, I am concerned that there will be problems later on down the road, and I am concerned that it will be just like the last times. ( she loses and then she gains) I am also overweight so I totally understand the rollercoaster she is dealing with. That said, I want to be able to support her in this. So, my question is to those that have been through it, what has been the most helpful of your spouses/friends and what has hurt or hendered you. I want to do everything I can to be the support system that she needs. Also, she isnt wanting to tell anyone and I will totally go along with what she decides...but I honestly dont get it. She says that she doesnt want people judging her or her methods of losing weight...but are people really that vocal about it? I figured everyone would think it was wonderful no matter how she does it. Any feedback will be great. Thanks in advance.

Wow can you give my husband some advice on how to handle things better? That is so awesome that you are backing your wife like this. You have already made the first step in helping there. You are one of the few spouses who actually ask questions and try to find out any information that you can to help your wife along the way. She's very lucky. Continue to be there for her. When she has her down day (like any human will have) just be there to remind her that you are there for her and that everyone makes mistakes. We are only human. This is NOT a miracle diet or a miracle cure for obesity. If the pounds just dropped off of us over night I would have gotten it done years ago and today I would look like America's Top Model (haha). This is a lifestyle change and it DOES take alot of work. It does take some getting used to. And it does require you to follow a plan if you want to be successful in your weight loss. But as I said it's a life style change. You don't have to give up living either. 'Everything in moderation.'

I am fortunate to have come to realize in the first stages the difference between head hunger and real hunger so it's helped me to know when to stop eating and when to just take a drink of Water or something instead of pigging out and letting food control me like it used to. I have been pretty much following the plan since my surgery on Oct. 23, 2009 and I am down about 41lbs (I won't officially change my ticker until I go to the doctors). So it will work for your wife. She can gain the weight back if she doesn't follow the plan. It is alot easier though then a normal 'diet' would be.

I can totally understand her not wanting to tell anyone about the surgery. I opted to tell people because personally I don't care what people think. Many people are critical of this surgery. Most of them will say, "Oh you took the easy way out." I find NOTHING about this the 'easy way out.' Personally this is even harder then your average diet. Why? Simply because it's surgery and secondly because it honestly is a life style change. With your average diet we fall into this thing where we lose the weight but gain it back again after a few month. Why? Because we really aren't changing our life styles. We are just changing what we eat. The lap band helps you to not just change what you eat, but how much you consume. Sure you can probably sit down and eat a burger if you wanted to. I for one couldn't get it down. But after a certain time your wife will learn the difference between the hungers also.

Grant it my family has been very supportive of me. But I opened my eyes to realize that truely the only person that is going to help me is myself. Everyone else can be there to support me (which makes it easier at times) but instead of looking at food as my enemy and allowing food to control me, I took control back myself. Someone said once, "The only good tasting food is the taste of you being thin again." I also realized that if there is a piece of cake on the table and I want to have some of it. I will have some of it. My family is not going to break my arm to get me NOT to have a piece of cake. I am not going to give up living. I am going to LIVE though. So I made a mistake. I am not going to beat myself up about it anymore. I am going to brush myself off and try again. Which is exactly what your wife will do.

This is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. I feel awesome even after just a few months. Your wife will be amazed. I'm not sure how much over weight you are but after seeing your wife's success you might consider the surgery also.

The best of luck to your wife and your continued support. Happy New Year.

[cnr1983 0]

First of all - it's hard to keep the band a secret, especially if you eat out with friends/family etc. They will notice that she's eating tiny amounts, taking a really long time to finish off a relatively small portion of food and so forth. I've adopted a 'honesty is best' policy and yes, some people have judged me but others have been more than supportive. I lost a good friend in the process but in all honesty, she's was obviously not that great of a friend to begin with.

Chewing your food 30 times and eating super slowly is harder to get used to than it sounds - my partner actually reminds me to slow down every time we eat together - that helps because often, you go into automatic mode and you eat at the pace you've been used to. I've found that to be very helpful.

My partner is thin and I don't expect him to eat like me but he no longer brings junk food into the house. If he feels like eating cakes or whatever, he does it while he's at work. Although I never asked him to do that, it does help - it's a case of out of sight, out of mind. I was surprised at how happy he's been to basically eat what I eat (just more of it) so that means we don't have to cook separate meals.

[stephaniel71 0]

Let me say your post touched my heart. My fiance has been fabulous through this and I know I have been quite difficult to deal with. I will say, the first 3-4 weeks will be the most difficult for her. Once I got through the physical pain, the emotional pain began. The food addiction took over. I regretted my decision, I wanted the band out. The best thing my fiance did was say hang in there. Give it a little more time. This will pass. You did the right thing. He held me when I cried and he listened to me when I ranted. But it passed. Now I am 10 weeks post op and so happy I got this surgery. Best thing I ever did for myself. I couldn't have made it through it without him. And your wife is lucky to have you.

[healthierdiva 0]

Hi, Congrats to your wife on her journey. I was banded a week ago and feel great, thank god. She will be fine. I know that you are concerned and nervous for her. Just tell her that everything will be ok. She needs that reassurance.

Her journey and previous struggles is a personal one. I am choosing not to reveal my surgery. 1) it's no one's business 2) the end result is what is truly important-living the best life that you can live 3)when you are obese, people look at everything that you eat, I don't want people to continue to look at what I eat if I told them that I had the surgery.

She needs your support and for you to believe that things will be ok. If she feels comfortable once she is at her goal, then she can reveal it. She needs a stress-free surgery and shouldn't have to worry about explaining the surgery.

Wishing you a happy and healthy new year.