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Ah ok so yeah i see the difference in what you were initially intending to get across and my initial response. It is disappointing when your family is unsupportive and/or uncreative. Do they ever at least ask what you'd like to do? Do you have another support system around? They might just need a nudge. I typically spend my time with my friends over family, though my family is overall supportive, I am beyond the age of birthdays with them. Long before my surgery, my immediate family stopped with the typical cake celebration. Now it's usually a text or phone call and a card with some cash lol. I think in your case you'd have to guide your family to do something different if that's what you'd prefer. It's such an ingrained thing that celebrations equals food for a lot of us and they may need some help breaking that pattern at least every once in a while.

Hi, VSG friends!! I know this question has been asked a million times but every one of us has different circumstances! So, here I go, and I apologize for this being kinda long to begin with! My name is Dana and I've been married 12 years to my wonderful hubby! We have 2 gorgeous girls (ages 9 & 6) who I homeschool! We've been trying to have one more baby over the last 5 years, but have been unsuccesful. I have PCOS and have been on fertility meds off and on and every time I take the meds, I gain 10 lbs. So, I started out 5 years ago weighing about 225 lbs and I now weigh 288 lbs. We've decided to leave the fertility drugs alone forever, choosing VSG instead and if we have another baby when I get healthy, we'll be overjoyed.....if I don't get pg, we'll count our blessings and move on! I had a friend ask me the other day if we were still trying to get pg. I paused before I answered her because I just didn't want to tell her about WLS!! So, I told her we weren't trying anymore, but I was going to see a dietician in January (not a lie, I am to meet my pre-op requirements!) and see if I can get some help losing weight. Ok, I don't mind telling people I'm having WLS AFTER I've already had it. It's the before part! My hubby is chairman of our church's deacon body and although our church is loving and supportive, I will be the FIRST person to have VSG or gastric bypass in our whole church, not to mention as a person who holds several leadership positions. I'm not at all sure of what reaction I'm going to get. I KNOW a few people would try to talk me out of it and tell me I just need to pray for more self-control....just a few, but I'd really rather avoid any negativity altogether! Do you agree?? If you were me, would you wait until after to tell? The other issue I have is when to tell our parents. With my in-laws, I'm not worried about them being unsupportive necessarily. They won't be thrilled, but I don't think they'd discourage me. It's more that my MIL worries and when she worries she gets horrible migraines! With my parents, it's a bit stickier. I don't have a good relationship with my parents right now. My mom tried to committ suicide for the second time a year ago and it was then that I finally realized that we've had a co-dependent relationship my whole life. I started setting healthy boundaries, my parents didn't like it, so we only see them on holidays/birthdays now. Their choice, not mine, but I decided a year ago that I would be healthy mentally and this year decided that my body needed to reflect the new health on my insides!! Anyway, what would you do? I was thinking about calling and telling both sets of parents the night before my surgery. I think they'd all be upset if we told them after the fact!! I'm having my sleep study done on January 5th, my diet consult and psych eval on January 12th, then we submit everything to my insurance company and I should have a surgery date in February! I'm so excited and feel so blessed that I have a hubby that is so incredibly supportive. I can't hardly wait to start my new life!!! Thank you to those of you who made it through all that!!

It was day 6 or 7 I was able to side-sleep. I was propped by a few pillows/rolled blankets for support. About 10 days to sleep unsupported. Oh, how I hated back-sleeping. Which is funny, because now that I'm further out, I don't mind sleeping on my back =P

Hi Bigdog, Welcome! I'm sorry, I dont know what PE is, but as far as your dad being unsupportive, I'm sorry. He probably doesn't understand what you are going through, and how safe the band is. You can try to educate him, but if he doesn't come 'round, just remember, its your body and your life! I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Welcome Bill, If you are trying to get insurance to pay for it, I would call your insurance company and see what is required by them to pay for the WLS. For example, if they require a dietician interview and sessions and you need a recommendation from your PCP for them, then ask him for that, not necessarily his opinion if you need the surgery or not. IMO, "YOU" are the only one who will be certain if you need the surgery. Skinny people and unsupportive Dr.s are going to tell you to just diet and excersize, hence the call you received from the Dr.'s nurse. You qualify for the surgery with your BMI and sleep apnea, alone, not including your higher percentage of getting Type II diabetes and possibly higher blood pressure. So there is no question that the surgery will benefit you. If you are 100% certain that you are ready to move forward, I think you should approach the Dr. and tell him this is a decision that you have made and you need his recommendation to continue. Good luck.

My doctor is completely unsupportive. She says both my BMI (42) and age (22) is too low for the surgery and that I am just not trying enough and it can be done without surgery. Whatever her reasonings, I want a more supportive doctor, because without the doctor's supprt I'm not getting banded anytime soon. Please tell me who your doctor was in the Kaiser network in Colorado?

I don't want to answer the wrong question, so forgive but are you looking for the perspectives of SUPPORTIVE bandsters who have UNSUPPORTIVE spouses? Or the perspective of UNSUPPORTIVE spouses who have banded SOs? Or something else? :help:

I have a very supportive family, but my coworkers don't really understand and have issues with support. However, my super supportive family ordered pizza on my about day 3 post op, they didn't think it would bother me I guess. At that point, the smell of food made me ill, and I had no craving so I didn't really feel unsupported over it. If your husband didn't have surgery, but does have a tendency to eat his emotions, that may just be your opportunity to go through that door with him, to have that heart to heart. It is going to be better to address it with him now, because like I said i have coworkers who aren't very supportive and they are constantly trying to buy me sweets, donuts for breakfast, fast food for lunch, and at 3 months out I could have those foods and crave them. When people don't understand the way that they eat, and how it can effect others, it makes this journey a bit more difficult. But, the up side is, that you are not going to physically be able to eat a lot anymore, so even if you have a small stumble it won't be like before. Keep your chin up and look to the positive.

Please understand where I am coming from as the survivor of a ten year marriage to a diagnosed psycho-sociopath who kept five loaded guns in the house. (He and his family kept the details from me, but his condition got worse and became clearly evident by the escalation of mental/emotional/physical abuse) What your husband did was not "scared" or "an honest mistake." It was mean. Weight loss surgery exposes the dynamics behind a relationship, and your husband's support or lack of it will give you a clear and unmistakeable picture of how he feels about you in spite of any statements to the contrary. He is not dense. He knows that you had surgery and are trying to get healthy. Unless he has lived in a mole hole his whole life, he knows that cupcakes and ice cream are not healthy for you - or himself. I am guessing that this is not a surprise to you and that you have encountered resistance up to the surgery as well. Just be prepared to stand up for yourself and do not give away your voice. Go ahead and when he is not around to intrude, start reading up on the cycle of abuse. My excuse for staying too long was that "At least he doesn't hit me", but damage to the psychological me was just as devasting. And then there came the day that his bombardment of words because a bruise the size of a 7 ounce steak. He only hit me once. I did not stay around for the bloody nose and broken bones. Anytime I would lose as little as fifteen pounds, he would object and kept bringing in the pastries. As I was putting dinner on the table one evening he got upset and threw his ash tray at me because "You ruin every meal with those damn vegetables!" I was so used to him throwing stuff at me that I did not see that as violence, even when he threw a camping lantern (with a heavy nine volt battery) at my ankle and refused to take me to the doctor when it swelled up and turned a rainbow of colors. Those were just "tantrums" and apparently MY fault because I made him mad. Well then, he was mad all the time at everybody. You have a right to good health and nutrition and regular medical care, no matter who you are married to. He is not being tired or cranky or scared. What is doing is insensitive and hateful, and he is deliberately trying to sabotague your recovery. I am sorry that you have to endure an unsupportive mate. Start keeping a secret journal because when he has you doubting your own sanity and memory, you can go back and see that a certain comment was indeed said or a certain action was indeed done. And "I was just kidding - can't you take a joke?" is bullying and not acceptable either. My journal was my lifeline to sanity. This is not about whether you are patient and long-suffering. It is about your health and longevity now, and you have to put up your armour and come out fighting. In the back of your journal write these two things down to refer to: 1. Why are you still there? 2. Why would you love someone who treats you that way? I have been accused on this forum before of being anti-marriage. However, I am all for marriage, but I am against being mistreated. If you need to, send me a private message. Anyone who needs to talk to someone who understands the cycle of abuse can give me PM. If you would rather talk to a certified counselor, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) (United States) The apple does not fall far from the tree. This man's daughter would berate her husband continually, throw things at him, manipulate their relationship and give him a thorough beat-down frequently. This mess is a two-way street and guys can be taken advantage of, too. Bariatric brothers and sisters, just be aware of your reality. You deserve to be respected and encouraged and supported. My heart goes out to everyone who is struggling. Don't lose your voice.

So my husband is being very unsupportive all of sudden....and tomorrow is my surgery. Last night he suggested we all go out to dinner at American Steak house. Then he told me that we will be driving to North Carolina on Saturday to pick up his twins. I am still going to be recovering. Then he told me that because I will be home for the next few weeks he will be leaving my toddler home to save on daycare. I'm already stressed because I know he thinks that this is a minor surgery and he is going to be looking for me to cook, clean, and take care of all that I normally do. I just pray that he realizes that I need his support in this time.

Thank you! I appreciate the support! I've been scared to admit that this is what scares me the most regarding WLS. I know these are his issues and not mine. My husband is very apprehensive about counseling (even though we both could benefit) but I know once he sees the psychiatrist and has the evaluation they will require him to see someone. Deep down I also know that WLS is not going to make or break our marriage, I guess it just feels strange to put myself first for once. Either way I'll be healthier no matter what happens because I KNOW I deserve it! Thank you for being my sounding board. I don't really talk much about my feelings to anyone and it feels safe to post it here-especially given the fact I have only told my husband, mom and an unsupportive co-worker about the sleeve!

Wow, you are amazing! I can't even imagine. You mentioned that you found out who were your real friends; could you please expand on that a little? Were people unsupportive? Jealous? I have a few friendships that seen to revolve around food and bingeing. I wonder what we will have in common after the sleeve. Also, you said that you are an emotional eater, I am too. What do you do now when you get the urge to binge?

The doctor did say that when you lose weight that fast that you lose muscle tissue, so that when you gain it back, you gain back all fat...being 14 and with unsupportive parents she probably wasn't taught much about exercise or nutrition. I never understood how a person can gain weight back after a bypass.

Very interesting article that I thought I'd share. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Some of the most firmly held beliefs about weight loss are unproven or downright untrue, according to an analysis comparing concepts promoted in the popular media with data from the scientific literature. The findings were published online January 31 in a special article in the New England Journal of Medicine. "False and scientifically unsupported beliefs about obesity are pervasive in both scientific literature and the popular press," write Krista Casazza, PhD, RD, from the Department of Nutrition Sciences, University of Alabama at Birmingham, and colleagues. The authors discuss a total of 7 myths, along with refuting evidence. Here are some examples: Small changes in food intake and/or exercise will produce large, long term weight changes — This idea was based on the old idea that 3500 kcal equals 1 pound of weight. But it does not take into account the fact that energy requirements change as body mass changes over time. So, as weight is lost, it takes increasingly more exercise and reduced intake to perpetuate the loss. Realistic weight-loss goals will keep people motivated — This idea seems reasonable, but it is not supported by evidence. In fact, several studies have shown that people with very ambitious goals lose more weight (eg, TV's The Biggest Loser). Slow, gradual weight loss is best for long-term success — Actually, a meta-analysis of randomized, controlled weight-loss trials found that rapid weight loss via very-low-calorie diets resulted in significantly more weight loss (16% vs 10% of body weight) at 6 months, and differences in weight loss persisted up to 18 months (Int J Behav Med. 2010;17:161-167). A bout of sexual activity burns 100 to 300 kcal per person — With intense sexual activity, a 154-pound man burns approximately 3.5 kcal per minute. However, given that the average amount of time spent during one stimulation and orgasm session is about 6 minutes, this man might expend about 21 kcal total. But, he would burn about 7 kcal just lying on the couch, so that amount has to be subtracted, which gives a grand total of 14 kcals of energy expended. The article also explores 6 "presumptions," or widely accepted beliefs that are neither proven nor disproven. Among them: Eating Breakfast prevents obesity — Actually, 2 studies showed no effect of eating vs skipping breakfast. Adding fruits and vegetables to the diet results in weight loss — Adding more calories of any type without making any other changes is likely to cause weight gain. Eating fruits and vegetables is healthful, however. Weight cycling, aka "yoyo dieting," increases mortality — The data are from observational studies and likely confounded by health status. Finally, the authors offer 9 facts about obesity and weight loss that are supported by data, among them: Moderate environmental changes can promote as much weight loss as even the best weight-loss drugs. Diets do produce weight loss, but attempting to diet and telling someone to diet are not necessarily the same thing. Physical activity does help in promoting weight loss and has health benefits even in the absence of weight loss. For overweight children, involving the family and home environment in weight-loss efforts is ideal. Providing actual meals or Meal Replacements works better for weight loss than does general advice about food choices. Both weight-loss drugs and bariatric surgery can help achieve long-term weight loss in some individuals. According to Dr. Casazza and colleagues, "The myths and presumptions about obesity that we have discussed are just a sampling of the numerous unsupported beliefs held by many people, including academics, regulators, and journalists, as well as the general public. Yet there are facts about obesity of which we may be reasonably certain — facts that are useful today." And they conclude, "While we work to generate additional useful knowledge, we may in some cases justifiably move forward with hypothesized, but not proven, strategies. However, as a scientific community, we must always be open and honest with the public about the state of our knowledge and should rigorously evaluate unproved strategies." Original article: http://www.medscape....warticle/778600

I just read that in disbelief. Why is your husband so unsupportive? You drove 103 miles while he slept? I am so mad right now! You know, some men have great insecurities. My ex use to tell me that no one would love me like he does...I use to smile on the inside, because it only meant he was insecure, though he was very convinced I wouldn't leave...until I did. I know it's hard when you are married, but you may seriously want to consider whether its a healthy relationship for you to be in. I can just see him trying to sabotage your weight loss by bringing around unhealthy foods. You are doing this for you, please continue and know that we are here to support you. You can do this!!

Why was your dad unsupportive?

Tina, Congratulations to you! It's a tough decision, and it takes courage to decide to change. Change is the most frightening thing we go through in life. Many people stay fat and unhealthy because of this fear. I was afraid that the Band, or any WLS surgery for that matter, would change everything about my life. And so far it has. But the changes have been good. I no longer fear change, I welcome it. People in our lives have no idea how to be supportive, I'm convinced of that. I'm also convinced that many of the people who seem so unsupportive think they are being just the opposite. But remember, change is a frightening for them as it is for you. They too are afraid. After all, any change in you could result in a change in your relationships. They are afraid, and their fear has no reason behind it. They forget that you will still be YOU whether you band or not. They forget that your quality will shine through. You are afraid, and it's normal. Change is scary. Everyone you talk to knows someone who's best friend's aunt, had an acquaintance whose youngest daughter had the surgery and she only lost the weight on one side then her left leg blew up like a zeppelin and they went in and found the band broken into seventeen pieces and lodged near a perfectly preserved donut in her uterus. (preceding ludicrous story for illustration purposes only). So, if that kind of thing bothers you, by all means, keep it all on the down low. It's your life, and your business. But fear not. The beauty of the band is it's safety. Low complication rate. Non invasiveness, and ease of reversibility. Of all the courses out there it is the logical choice. I had to decide. I picked this, and now I'm one month out, it was easy, fast, and nearly painless. Well, a lot less painful than my overactive imagination had drawn it for me. Diet and exercise do not work. Lose the weight, gain it back, plus a little bonus. Will power is good for the next meal, and maybe for months, but sooner or later the will power fades, and we fall into our old ways. If the will power worked there would be no fat people, no alchoholics, no addicts of any kind. The way I saw it the only way to go was to choose between a short life and a longer one. Keeping my messed up relationship with food was the short life, the band was the longer one. Follow your own star. Make your own decision based on who you are. One thing about these people here, they know how to be supportive, visit often, read the old threads. Contemplate. But move yourself to action. As Red says in "Shawshank Redemption" it's time to get busy living, or get busy dying. I suggest living with the band, you'll smile more than you do now, you'll laugh daily. Good luck, and glad to see you here.

I think men that are that unsupportive are just really insecure. They think you're going to get skinny and run off with someone else. Maybe if you try to reinforce that he's the one you want to be with whether you're skinny or fat,, maybe he'll feel more secure. But right now, this is about you and you getting healthy... if he can't understand that, well, maybe he's the one with the problem! Here's to your future good health!!!

I was once the unsure husband. I thought my wife's surgery was extreme and I worried that there wasn't enough history for the procedure to be safe. She was patient with me, but told me she WAS having this surgery. She lost 107 lbs since having the surgery a little over a year ago. She says it was the best decision ever. Now for the poetic justice part: Now I am having sleeve surgery on July 25! Her success and numerous doctors begging me to take action brought me to evaluate my options and I am just about to take the same journey as my wife did. So I guess there is hope for even the unsure or unsupportive husband!

She just comes off as cold, and unforgiving, and unsupportive, I know being overweight is my fault. I did this to myself but I felt that she was saying that I'm taking the easy way out by having surgery.

I had the same problems pre-surgery. I told my parents when I started the process and while they were always supportive, my Mom said a couple of things that sounded like "are you sure this is right for you?" that I interpreted as unsupportive. I told friends and co-workers after I had been approved by the surgeon and insurance. In hind site, I think I would have waited until I had a surgery date to tell anyone but my closest friends. It just seems easier to tell them a couple weeks in advance than to have it out there for comment for a longer period. I really don't recommend not telling your family before surgery. It isn't fair to you or them to not prepare in advance for the changes that will come post surgery. I recommend writing out your reasons for having surgery so that you can make the most compelling points about why this is the right choice for you! Also tell them that if they don't have any thing supportive to say to please keep the negative stuff to themselves. Also be prepared to answer questions about what kind of help you will need post surgery. If you are organized and clear about the process then it will be easy to answer their questions and deal with their concerns. Finally - know that they love you and are concerned about your well being. That may cause them to ask questions or say things that seem unsupportive, but just be grateful that they care and want what is best for you. Good luck as you head into surgery!

People respond to your positivity and increased self-confidence. Healthy is seen as attractive. It’s sad that I feel more valued in society because I am at a healthy weight. I see a difference in how I’m treated. A few things I experienced. Some positive: Strangers look me in the eye and smile more I’ve had attention from the opposite sex, Unnerving at first when you have been invisible. Men hold doors open more often Sales people seem more helpful I’m excepted as a part of the fit gym crowd. Many do not know I was formerly obese. Job opportunity’s/promotions have been offered. Some negative: Some close friends no longer associate with me. It reminds them of their own struggles. I have been judged by a few people in my local support group. (stopped going) I fell in the lower BMI category. Comments. “you didn’t have to work as hard” “working out/running as much as you do is an eating disorder” “if you gained some weight you would look less skeletal” An unsupportive family member “you know you’re just going to gain it back” She is my motivation to never gain it back. Years out, life becomes normal. I don’t notice how differently I’m treated anymore. The compliments and focus on your weight loss are over.

Well, for me it isn't noticing. I'm an event planner (among other things) and support about 160 people. I don't see most of these people more than once a year. Heck, I don't recognize most of them we see each other so infrequently! So they definitely wouldn't be the type to notice a change in my eating habits. I'm slowly telling friends about my decision, but I think I will refrain from coworkers unless asked directly. I'm coming around to the fact that this is a tool and just like using a crutch isn't shameful, getting this surgery isn't either. Unfortunately, I've had a few people with really unsupportive reactions. I'd rather not have to deal with that at work too!

Congratulations on your success and thank you so much for sharing with us about your journey. I appreciate it. I am so sorry you work in an environment with so many unsupportive and toxic people but am glad your fiancée and friends are there for you. You mention your bariatric support group and friends as being your support network which is awesome. Do you also have a therapist? I know it takes time for our view of our body image to catch up with reality, but a therapist may be able to help you reconcile that view as well as help you with strategies for dealing with negative people and the stress eating urge. Best of luck with your upcoming wedding and marriage. I am sure you will be a beautiful bride!