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i did a disney cruise last month and did mostly appetizers. and a lot of cold fish at that. it really worked for me. i avoided alcohol and didn't exercise. i lost 3 pounds during that time period.

Regardless of how much we pay in taxes from a lot to none, we are entitled to public education, fire and police service, municipal services, our streets getting paved, etc.. It is the same with healthcare. Access to it shouldn't depend on your ability to pay. There are those who are working, but don't get healthcare through their employers and don't qualify for medicaid. They don't have enough money to buy an independent healthcare policy. Plus they might have a pre-existing condition and be denied anyway. So, let's say they have diabetes or a chronic heart condition. These conditions, while life threatening over time, are not emergency conditions that require ER care. They require constant, vigilant care with a primary care physician. They can't afford healthcare and would be denied anyway. So overtime, the diabetic's sight goes bad, maybe blind. The kidneys are affected and perhaps start to shut down. Eventually, from lack of care, this person dies. AND THIS IS OKAY WITH YOU. AND YOU CALL YOURSELF PRO-LIFE? NO WAY ARE YOU PRO-LIFE. ANTI-ABORTION, YES. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO CALL YOURSELF PRO-LIFE AND NEITHER DO OTHERS WHO SHARE YOUR VIEWPOINT ON THIS. BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD HEALTHCARE OR WOULD BE DENIED ANYWAY, IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU FOR 44,000 PEOPLE TO DIE EVERY YEAR. And don't start with your tobacco/alcohol deaths. Those who do either make that choice. They know the risks of death from both and I'm not going to shed a tear about those who deliberately kill themselves with alcohol and tobacco.

Hi - I have been reading a lot on this forum since January and today, I was scheduled for surgery on March 31st. I think I am ready...but, will definitely need a buddy to reach out to from time to time. Anyone got advice that you could share? I've quit caffiene & alcohol, ditched the sodas, loaded up the pantry with jello, crystal light, broth, light soups, kellog special K protein drinks (seem to taste better to me than Atkins), got the chewable vitamins, melting B12s, under the tongue Gas-X and probably a few other things I can't think of now. I've started using Wii to add to the physical activity and actually dusted off (and used!) my treadmill. What else should I be doing in these two weeks prior to surgery? :cursing:

Sometimes it is the very small changes that you make that can create the biggest differences. The wine might be "it", or at least part of it. There has been a lot of discussion on this board on the subject of alcohol and weight loss, and there are lots of opinions on both sides of the issue. MOST Doctors will tell you that it is beneficial to lay off the booze while you are losing weight. I would agree with that very strongly.....I have seen the elimination of alcohol make a huge difference in the rate that some people lose. Why did you have your port replaced?

Hi!:thumbup1: Wanted to let you know about my TJ, Mexico experience. Disclaimer a) I have no allegiance to anyone in this company or its representatives and I have not been coerced, cajoled or otherwise persuaded to write this chronology of events; :crying: I write this because I know what it's like to need the surgery but be prevented from having it, for one reason or another. Saturday- Jan. 23: I've not been surprised about the surroundings or the people here. From the airport the driver and I drove directly to the lab to get my bloodwork done, which took about 10 minutes. By 1.00 p.m. we got to the clinic that yes, is among retail stores in a mall-type setting. Across the parking lot is a "Love Boutique". The clinic is on two floors; not one. The top floor is for patients waiting and admin. The bottom has the surgery and recovery rooms. Every hallway and room I was in was clean and cleaning people cleaned all day long. I remember seeing that I was wearing white socks that stayed white. For me, things were a little tough because I had no 'real' water for more than 24 hours. I knew my surgery was to be the last one on the board but wasn't sure what time that would be on what I knew was a very busy surgery day. Because I'm pretty well an "all-in" type of person, I also had my eyes done (Dr. Lara). Sunday - Jan 24, 12.30 a.m.-3.30 a.m.ish: I was in surgery for 3 - 3.5 hours. While coming out of anaesthesia, I remember saying (or perhaps yelling?) "Silencio, por favor...Silencio"! I must have had a headache then...or at least I hope so When I came to, fully, my coordinator and Dr. Betancourt were looking over me and asking me how I was feeling. Yikes? Do you think I was telling them to be quiet? Ah, the things we say when we're partially under... Yes, my coordinator waited for me to get out of surgery to ensure I was doing well. Her name is Melissa Bracker. Yes, she is business minded but she is also a caring person who was there for me. Sunday - Jan 24, 3.31a.m. - to Monday, a.m.: The worst parts -- post-op acid reflux and severe headaches that were so bad I couldn't rest. I really needed to take a Prevacid a few hours before surgery. And I really needed that night nurse to make sure my IV was working properly so I could get acid reflux meds through it. On the headaches, they were from dehydration and the eye surgery and yes, stress. I really wished that night nurse would have remembered that I hadn't had anything to drink for more than 48 hours.:sad0: Monday, Jan 25, - 10-11.00 a.m. I had my blue barium swallow at the clinic. Since I couldn't get down more than that, I used it to get down a Prevacid. This was my "McGyver move" and is not sanctioned by any of the staff. Yep, teeth and lips turned blue from the dye.:biggrin0: The stuff was tricky to get down because it tasted 'metallic'; not because I was necessarily in any pain. Actually, the coolness made my esophagus feel better. Then we headed off to x-ray to make sure there were no leaks. I would have paid not to have to take the next swallow of some clear stuff that I first, had to hold in my mouth until the camera was ready and then gulp. As for taste, it was like, like, oh! like a weak version of the bitter apple you'd spray on something you didn't want your puppy to chew. I haven't figured out what that was yet, but we all had it, we all had various stages of nausea afterward, we all lived. Oh yes, if I wanted to, I could have paid $10.00 for the x-ray photo of my new tummy on a t-shirt....c'mon! I'm just kidding -- There is no such thing...But, I claim patent on the process and copyright on the idea! Then we were taken to one of two recovery houses. Everyone had their own bedroom but perhaps, not their own bath. This is unless you were able to negotiate the Master bedroom in your package, as I did. In my house, there was one cook and 1-2 caregivers every day from 5.30 - 5.00 p.m. Every night, 5.00 p.m. to 6.00 a.m. there is also a caregiver for you, who will also heat up food for your companions. Dr Betancourt saw me Monday afternoon, checked out my stitches and drain, told me I had a reaction to the tape, changed my dressings and made sure I was o.k. He offered to have my hair dried and/or to have my feet rubbed. Dr. Lara saw me and replaced tape with glue -- yep, glue -- on my upper and lower eyelids. Yesterday, Tuesday, Jan 26th: One of the caregivers removed my drain -- after the Dr found out if the reaction had stabilized, etc.-- and in moments, it was out. How does that feel? Well, I liken it to putting your thumb in very firm Jello and then pulling it out slowly. The feeling was one of suction rather than any pain. The caregiver then bandaged the 3/4" wound (no adhesive tape for me). Today, Wednesday, Jan 27th- Before I had a shower this morning, I removed the bandage, showered and then left everything to breathe. After about 5 hours, I saw a 'dime's diameter' of leakage, sprayed no-alcohol antiseptic on the wound and rebandaged. It feels fine but the incision needs cleaning and less of me sitting-up and walking 14 stairs, 10-12 times a day. Dr Lara saw me in a happenstance way and said my eyes were healing as they were supposed to. Dr Betancourt showed up and looked at my incisions again. Then he asked the caregiver to give the drain incision a 'good' rub with antiseptic. I've been ordered to do the same as many times in the day as I can. Improvements I would like to see a) Since I've been here, I've met only one person who was somewhat unmotivated and perhaps over her/his head. But s/he was not in a critical care giving position. However, s/he did work in the clinic. I am not giving out the name because I don't want to have her/him discharged. I have however, given the name to my coordinator so the person can get more training? more sleep? both? as I believe s/he is still a good asset to the team, who could become better. I talked to both my coordinator and Dr Betancourt about the situation. They listened attentively, and promised to address issues with that team member. Best Ofs a) one-hit IV excellent coordinator (Melissa Bracker) - she and Dr. Betancourt kept their promises c) the care in the recovery house, 24hrs/day d) the warming saltiness of chicken broth e) Actually, it's Dr Betancourt who sells the t-shirts across the street from x-ray! Suggestions a) do your research about the country and culture in which your surgery will take place - If you want to have done full research about having surgery done in Mexico, go to where you'll be having surgery, meet the people and understand the culture of the service industry, then find a coordinator who has the same understanding. Then make your decision. negotiate your package c) In all cases, Mexicans' first language is Spanish -- learn some Spanish or be patient with the various levels of English d) if you really want something you're not getting, then ask for it e) do not be afraid to leave tips Thankyous to Other Patients and their Families Because I came here alone, I thought I would be alone. This was very far from the truth. I would like to say a public thank you to those other Posters/patients and their families (I will not post their names) for checking in on me, for buying me sunglasses, for giving me a couple strips of gas-X and for being so very caring: Tyrza and Family Brett and Family Margie Cynthia and Family Kerri and Family Braden, The Rock Star Take care for now, Cheryl Emmanuel Jerusalem Clinic Tijuana, Mexico Dr Almanza: VSG Jan 24/10

Hi Abby, I was going really well until Christmas and then the wheels just 'fell off'... I had lost about 45lbs, but since then I have regained about 9lbs. I am off to see my surgeon today for the first time since November, part of me feels like I've failed him and myself, part of me feels like he failed me because he let go of my hand WAY too soon (seriously, 4 months since he last saw me? too long!)... either way, I know today's appointment will end in tears because if I'm not the same weight I was when I saw him last, I'm slightly heavier. I too sunk back to the world of fast foods, sodas and lots of alcohol.. things I shouldn't be touching, and I'm really ashamed of myself. All I can say is, we've just got to keep on trying - our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

Welcome Anne, Amy and Bree. It will be nice to have some newbies! Betsy, My stepson lives in Bloomington, he just ran in a 5K there and did it in 17.27 finished 3rd overall and 1st in his age group. I am going to use this for inspiration to try and start running. I have always said in the past I would only run if a dog were chasing me and it had to be a BIG dog. Karen --174 WTG! Bob--I just saw another thread where a woman called you Mike! Whats with the aliases? OK here is another strange story of my lap band transformation saga.... I usually go meet with a group of friends to have drinks 1 or 2 times a week (drinking alcohol not required). There are usually 8-10 of us there on Mon and/or Wen night. They start getting there about 4:30 and stay till 6:30 or so, we argue about politics, gripe about things a work etc. I didn't get to go last week because of work but when I went yesterday, then I only stayed for an hour because all I could think about is what I could be doing instead of sitting in a bar. :wub: So I went home and raked (part of) the yard. (Great exercise by the way.) I am wondering if my priorities are changing that much or if maybe I was just in some funky mood because of the time change/spring weather.

by the way...just joking about the martini's.... have to shrink the old liver... so no alcohol everyone!!! I'm just a jokster!

I just found out a friend of mine who had gastric bypass done a year ago was found dead at home. He had the gastric bypass and lost over 150 lbs. , he did not live by the doctors rules. He was constantly drinking alcohol even after being hospitalized a week ago because he was not eating and drinking to much alcohol. I spoke to him last week after being discharged from the hospital and he was once again drinking. What a tragic loss, I think people must really weigh their options and examine their life style when choosing weight loss surgery. Gastric bypass patients are told that they could never never again eat sweets or drink alcohol, one must be ready to give these up for life it they choose gastric bypass.

LOL - yeah, I get it, thanks guys. The more I think about it, the more I see what a waste of calories any alcohol is... so, I'll happily wait till I reach goal, at least, maybe by my birthday at the end of July! Yay Crystal Light...!

Hey Amy, My procedure with with Dr. Ren, the wife of the person who did your procedure. :thumbup: When you say "throw it up," do you mean like the kind of throwing up you do when you have a stomach virus or too much alcohol? And does it come up on its own? How quickly between eating the food does throwing it up happen? Is it like a few seconds? A few minutes? Half an hour?

Wise choice :thumbup: I can not drink alcohol at all it does not agree with me in many ways. I envy you but be careful I got a buzz real fast after the band. Have a glass of port for me good luck on all you do.

I have always loved to drink, however took it a step too far. I discovered if I drank vodka and cranberry it went down real good and I was not hungry. I did this for a couple months eating as little food as possible. I lost 8 lbs but wound up in hospital. To make a long story short be very careful with alcohol it is cunning, baffeling and powerful.:wink2:

Went to the Kansas Games yesterday KU and KSU and both won so today they will be playing each other. Yes I have a ticket for that as well. In the box seats you get fed as well as drinks. I was kinda scared of what I would be facing since this is week 3. I know I should not hit any beer because of the fizz. However, I did have a Jack over Ice and took very little sips and was amazed that it did not effect me at all. I also had some barbeque pork that did not effect me either. I did notice that it took a whole game (KU) to have approx 1 inch of Jack over ice. As the ice melted the drink seemed to keep refilling itself. So the 2nd game (KSU) I tried a Captain Morgan with a diet coke very little diet coke because of the fizz but I knew that alcohol would reduce the fizz. Again no issue and it took the whole game to get it down. But it was very enjoyable. I thought this would impact the weight loss but when I weighted this morning another 2 lbs down. I know this was probably wrong but I have not had a drink in 6 weeks kinda felt good. by the way you only need a few sips to start a buzz on.... seems it goes to the small intestine quickly and then well you know. Just thought I would share that with you. Later today I get to go to the big game here in Kansas both KU and KSU are a big deal fighting it out, The place will be a mad house. And the power and light district will be party zone central.

A quick report to my fellow december bandsters! I have had a run of bad luck physically and have got a little setback so, here goes the short list; 1) I have rotator cuff surgery scheduled for Wednesday (3/17). This should also be an overnighter, so back to the liquids (better than regular hospital food....and I won't be in the mood to be packing and keeping up with it myself, probably). Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts that day. It's St Patty's day and I don't have to think about drinking alcohol! 2) 2 weeks ago, my potassium went very low and my heart went into A-fib. (pulse about 190) so, a lot of tests and was told to stop exercising. All sorted out now or I wouldn't be on the calendar for surgery! 3) Tuesday morning I fell on my right knee and tore my lateral ligament on the inside of my R knee. back to no exercise for a while again to give this a chance to heal. My weight loss did resume, albeit slow and steady.....but I'm sure this will stop it again until I can get back to an exercise regimine at rehab on 3/24. It sure looks like quite a few of my fellow bandsters are reporting some steady losses......let's try to get into some nice summer clothes and really be happy this summer. I'm still looking for my yellow polka doty bikini!!!! Keep the positive attitudes and food watching (calorie counting as well!) Anthony 2 1/2 years to get insurance approval! Surgery 12/3/09 Weight Loss after Surgery Overall Weight loss since 11/2009

Has anyone else gained weight?! YES! I called it my "Farewell to Food Tour" (I didn't make that up, I read it somewhere) and I personally think it is quite a natural response to what's coming. I've read some places that some docs get upset if you do that, but mine didn't. In my case, food has been an addiction. So like a typical addict, when faced with the prospect of "rehab," I embraced my habit because it was about to end. Having had experience with drug and alcohol addicts, I know that they "drink themselves in" to rehab, so it makes perfect sense. The bottom line is I was banded Mondayl. It's Friday. I stopped being hungry sometime Monday evening and am on my way to a new life. Having the band already seems to be giving me the advantage of not feeling driven by hunger, which gives me the edge I need to conquer emotional eating. I hope you're not beating yourself up about eating. That was really the point of my answer!

Alcohol absorption isn't affected by the band. It is still metabolized the same. With gastric bypass, it is different and those patients get drunk faster. I don't consume alcohol near as much as I used to, so I feel it much sooner these days as a result. If you had beer, it could be that the carbonation is what bothered you. When my stomach is tender, I like to do liquids and mushies to just give it a break for a while until it is feeling better. Like others have said, drink lots of fluids!

Sorry for you. Hard lesson to learn. I hear that alcohol absorbs faster through the smaller stomach. Which also means closer to alcohol posioning (non doctor opinion). Drink plenty of water to help fllush your system. Try eating some low sodium crackers. Hope it helps. Time is the great healer. Best Wishes!

Sigh, you're not alone with this. I've returned to full time work this year after a 15 year hiatus and not only that, its an entirely new career as a teacher. My kids have been used to life with a stay at home mum and make the same demands only now I have an 8 hour day to contend with as well. Well.... stupid busy is how you would describe my life at the moment. I found the same as you, slipping into the bad eating trap,in fact some days of late I've had nothing but sugar and alcohol. I was very fast developing a bad habit of several wines at night, followed by drambuie or baileys! I havent gained anything probably because my appetite for regular meals has disappeared, I've not been eating Breakfast and am too damn busy for dinner, with all the running round to kids sports etc. So! Disaster! The saving grace is I havent let my exercise slip and I've replaced meals with the bad food, so calorie wise, I've actually been eating less and have even lost a little. But its still FAR from healthy. The last 2 weeks I've FORCED myself to eat breakfast, by taking Cereal to work, I've had a regular lunch and my main challenge is dinner - and not eating before dinner. Its just a willpower thing, really, you just have to force it on yourself and you also have to use your willpower to shop and prepare so that good food is there ready. I have to cook on the weekends and freeze or there'll be nothign for dinner as I just dont have time to cook. but I do find eating properly during the day really helps me.

Here is what I just got done telling someone else...hope it helps you. The reason you are on the liquids is to shrink your liver. This is the hardest part of the procedure. In this stage everyone wants to cheat. Everyone feels as if they could eat a horse and everyone has a VERY hard time. The only advice that I can give to you is to tell you, don't cheat no matter how hard it may be because I have heard of doctors canceling the surgery because of that. What I can tell you is that you are almost there and things will get better for you. The first week after surgery you should be ok until the swelling goes down and then you will unfortunately be hungry again until your first fill. The benefits are awesome though. Just wait until the weight starts falling off of you. You will feel much better. You can now tell everyone that has ever said, "this is the easy way out." that they must be out of their minds because there is nothing easy about this process. Right now your body is going through starvation mode. You will feel tired, you will feel all kinds of things, but like I said it does get better. Hang in there. You can do it. I have faith in you, have faith in yourself. We will save you a seat on the losers bench. In the liquid phase you can pretty much have anything except alcohol. Drink your Protein shakes but you might want to get some unflavored Protein powder so that you can mix it in broth also. The more protein you have the more full you will be. unjury has an unflavored chicken Soup flavored protein that is very good. (UNJURY is Medical Quality whey Protein Isolate. Best Tasting Whey Protein Powder. Most Trusted Whey Protein Powder Supplement. Taste the difference!). Please feel free to add me as an email buddy and I will try my best to encourage you to keep going. The best of luck to you. Keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, your almost there.

The reason you are on the liquids is to shrink your liver. This is the hardest part of the procedure. In this stage everyone wants to cheat. Everyone feels as if they could eat a horse and everyone has a VERY hard time. The only advice that I can give to you is to tell you, don't cheat no matter how hard it may be because I have heard of doctors canceling the surgery because of that. What I can tell you is that you are almost there and things will get better for you. The first week after surgery you should be ok until the swelling goes down and then you will unfortunately be hungry again until your first fill. The benefits are awesome though. Just wait until the weight starts falling off of you. You will feel much better. You can now tell everyone that has ever said, "this is the easy way out." that they must be out of their minds because there is nothing easy about this process. Right now your body is going through starvation mode. You will feel tired, you will feel all kinds of things, but like I said it does get better. Hang in there. You can do it. I have faith in you, have faith in yourself. We will save you a seat on the losers bench. In the liquid phase you can pretty much have anything except alcohol. Drink your Protein shakes but you might want to get some unflavored Protein powder so that you can mix it in broth also. The more protein you have the more full you will be. unjury has an unflavored chicken soup flavored protein that is very good. (UNJURY is Medical Quality whey Protein Isolate. Best Tasting Whey Protein Powder. Most Trusted Whey Protein Powder Supplement. Taste the difference!). Please feel free to add me as an email buddy and I will try my best to encourage you to keep going. The best of luck to you. Keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, your almost there. :thumbup:

First, I must say this: I love my family with all my heart, but a select few are driving me completely insane! It hit me yesterday, that FEELING is not allowed in my family. Voicing your feelings is not tolerated. And I can't live my life like this anymore. I refuse to raise my children that way. Depression is anger turned inward. And if you don't discuss your feelings you stuff them, with food, alcohol, etc. I CANNOT DO THAT ANY LONGER! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY LONGER! I just end up hurting myself. I chose to have this surgery and change my life for ME! If you love me, then be happy for me and support me. Don't blackmail me emotionally. Don't lay someone else's shit sandwich in my lap. If someone else is depressed or unhappy, that person should DO something about it. It's NOT my fault if someone is upset and too depressed to go to work. Tell THEM to put THIER big girl panties on!! Cuz honey, I've had my big girl panties on for A LONG time. I am dealing with my issues. I am trying to become a better person. I am not crying to my Mommy and blaming others for my unhappiness. I OWN my issues. They are on ME! And don't emotionally blackmail my children when they express their feelings and those feelings upset you. YOU are the adult. Shame on you! SHAME ON YOU! It is only natural for a child to protect his parent. God knows I've tried to protect mine. Even when they probably didn't deserve it. But to not only negate their feelings, and then threaten them emotionally! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! That hurts me more than any of the bullshit that has been thrown at me the last year. All of it put together, doesn't hurt as much as when my son told me how he was treated last night. By his own grandparent. I still can't believe it. If you only knew how much you hurt him. And me. I know you want to live your life with your head in the sand and pretend everything is a-okay. Fine. You do that. But don't expect me to. And don't expect me to raise my children that way! I don't want them to wake up twenty years from now, full of self-loathing, and stuffing every feeling because they can't express them. Been there, done that, and it SUCKS! I just realized it's okay to take care of me. People actually DO THAT. Take care of themselves. And it's NOT selfish!! WHO KNEW!? All my life I have been terrified of being a selfish person. So I give till I have nothing left to give. And I wonder why I am empty? Cuz I gave it all away! Someday I hope it is okay to have my wishes respected. I really do. I think that would feel good. I remember when I told you I was going to have this surgery. I SPECIFICALLY asked you NOT to tell my sister. I hadn't decided if I wanted to tell her or not. Even then I had an inkling that she would not be supportive and that my decision would be a problem for her. But you told her. Thanks so much. I also tried to explain to you over Christmas that I needed to keep the negative people at arms length. To take care of me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Then you turn around and tell me I need to go talk to her. Practically blame her depression on ME! Thanks for throwing that steaming sack of shit in my lap. Totally appreciate that. And last night, when you thanked me for doing what you asked.... do you know how that made me feel? Like all was right with the world, because Jennifer was happy, and that was all that mattered. You didn't even notice that I was crying. That my eyes were swollen from crying all afternoon. That shows me exactly where I stand. Thank you for that too. You probably didn't notice that I was drinking for the first time in three months either. Or that I was five seconds away from bumming a cigarette off the grumpy guy. After 16 months of being smoke-free, I was completely ready to throw all that hard work out the window. Hello self-sabotage!!! My old friend! But I didn't. I guess I had my big girl panties on after all. Huh, Mom?

First, I must say this: I love my family with all my heart, but a select few are driving me completely insane! It hit me yesterday, that FEELING is not allowed in my family. Voicing your feelings is not tolerated. And I can't live my life like this anymore. I refuse to raise my children that way. Depression is anger turned inward. And if you don't discuss your feelings you stuff them, with food, alcohol, etc. I CANNOT DO THAT ANY LONGER! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY LONGER! I just end up hurting myself. I chose to have this surgery and change my life for ME! If you love me, then be happy for me and support me. Don't blackmail me emotionally. Don't lay someone else's shit sandwich in my lap. If someone else is depressed or unhappy, that person should DO something about it. It's NOT my fault if someone is upset and too depressed to go to work. Tell THEM to put THIER big girl panties on!! Cuz honey, I've had my big girl panties on for A LONG time. I am dealing with my issues. I am trying to become a better person. I am not crying to my Mommy and blaming others for my unhappiness. I OWN my issues. They are on ME! And don't emotionally blackmail my children when they express their feelings and those feelings upset you. YOU are the adult. Shame on you! SHAME ON YOU! It is only natural for a child to protect his parent. God knows I've tried to protect mine. Even when they probably didn't deserve it. But to not only negate their feelings, and then threaten them emotionally! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! That hurts me more than any of the bullshit that has been thrown at me the last year. All of it put together, doesn't hurt as much as when my son told me how he was treated last night. By his own grandparent. I still can't believe it. If you only knew how much you hurt him. And me. I know you want to live your life with your head in the sand and pretend everything is a-okay. Fine. You do that. But don't expect me to. And don't expect me to raise my children that way! I don't want them to wake up twenty years from now, full of self-loathing, and stuffing every feeling because they can't express them. Been there, done that, and it SUCKS! I just realized it's okay to take care of me. People actually DO THAT. Take care of themselves. And it's NOT selfish!! WHO KNEW!? All my life I have been terrified of being a selfish person. So I give till I have nothing left to give. And I wonder why I am empty? Cuz I gave it all away! Someday I hope it is okay to have my wishes respected. I really do. I think that would feel good. I remember when I told you I was going to have this surgery. I SPECIFICALLY asked you NOT to tell my sister. I hadn't decided if I wanted to tell her or not. Even then I had an inkling that she would not be supportive and that my decision would be a problem for her. But you told her. Thanks so much. I also tried to explain to you over Christmas that I needed to keep the negative people at arms length. To take care of me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Then you turn around and tell me I need to go talk to her. Practically blame her depression on ME! Thanks for throwing that steaming sack of shit in my lap. Totally appreciate that. And last night, when you thanked me for doing what you asked.... do you know how that made me feel? Like all was right with the world, because Jennifer was happy, and that was all that mattered. You didn't even notice that I was crying. That my eyes were swollen from crying all afternoon. That shows me exactly where I stand. Thank you for that too. You probably didn't notice that I was drinking for the first time in three months either. Or that I was five seconds away from bumming a cigarette off the grumpy guy. After 16 months of being smoke-free, I was completely ready to throw all that hard work out the window. Hello self-sabotage!!! My old friend! But I didn't. I guess I had my big girl panties on after all. Huh, Mom?

I am throwing the cookies down the drain. They are just calling my name. Damn cookies. The thing is- he didn't buy them will ill intent- and he didn't even buy them for himself. Nelson went to the store with him and he wanted him. DH has a problem saying no with just about anything, so cookies is an easy one. He feels we can't deny the child sweets always, just we can't eat them. BUT... It's been 48 hrs and the kid only ate ONE. Then said "no thanks". Oh Phyl, I hear you on the smoking thing. My DH smoked 1-2 packs a day since he was 16. EVERYONE smokes in Syria where he grew up. He quit in 2002 while we were going through infertility. Just in the last year he started smoking cigars. He was having one a weekend and when my Dad was here he started having them every day (b/c Dad was smoking cigars). Then he didn't have any a for a few days. He doesn't sneak. Neither of us are good liars, and tell all. I don't mind the cigars per se. He has it outside by the pool and he cleans up his own ashtray and doesn't leave it there. My concern is that he will start smoking cigarettes again. When he quit it was REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for him. We tried everything and it took several attempts and he was a bear to live with (and the nurses say to work with!) Several times they would BUY him cigs just to see if he would get nicer! Now, keep in mind- he went from being the really mildly mannered guy some of you met to being an ASS. He didn't handle the sudden nicotine loss well. I think any of us that have had addictions- whether it be FOOD, smoking, or other substances (alcohol/drugs)- it is the same personality that allows you to be addicted to something. So usually, we understand each other. That's also why I don't give him a really hard time, just let him know I am concerned. He doesn't ever smoke in front of Nelson. Julie~ sorry about the comforter. It must be a messy cat day. My poor Coco has been PBing all morning (she must have a stuck hairball). She PBed on a handmade off white wool blanket from Paraguay. SIGH. Her food is red/brown specked- what a mess. I ended up throwing it in my washer which has a wool setting. It just smells like a wet dog when it comes out. It's made from untreated wool that they just twist into yarn. I don't even know if they ever wash it there. In two years I never saw anyone wash their blanket, and they all use them in the winter. But they always put it in a middle layer of blankets. I must say since getting the band I am much more sympathetic of her when she gets a hairball "stuck". : ) And I hope your pain subsides. My first free day in FOREVER! (well, it just started at noon when DH left for work). He is on call tonight, and was able to go in "late" since will be on call until 7am tomorrow. At 2, I leave to pick up Nels in car line. LOL... so I guess my first free day is only 2 hrs long! LMAO, and here I am typing this. I think I am going to go get my feet up or something. I just roasted two eggplants to make Baba Ganoush. I just love that stuff. Tahini is high in calories, so I don't add too much. Just eggplant, garlic, lemon juice and tahini. Other than liquids (coffee, crystal light, and two waters) I haven't' eaten today. I have found myself not really hungry until noon. Now I am just having a Carnation Instant breakfast drink (SF one). 150 cal/ 13 gm protein. I can definitely tell since this fill that I am less hungry and that things hold me longer. BUT... b/c I had a few salty things yesterday, I am back up to 222. (see why i didn't change my ticker!) I know it wasn't calories b/c I didn't go over 1200. We'll see how it is tomorrow. This girl whose blog I follow just hit onderland. She was 327 and had surgery on Jan 27, 2009. It's these little things that motivate me to get BACK ON TRACK! To the gym tomorrow. I did walk several miles at the fair on Saturday- parking was far, stayed for 3 hrs, etc... But not the same as the gym. ok, I am wasting time.. ta ta for now... peasout.. Laura