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I totally agree with Alex. True love is UNconditional...always. I am very blessed to have a husband that has accepted my obesity from day one. Talk about an odd couple, when we married 16 years ago, he was 29 yrs old, never been married, no kids, was 5'0" tall and weighed 130 lbs. I, on the other hand, was 35 yrs old, had been recently been divorced, had 2 kids, was 5'6" tall and weighed 270 lbs! He says he fell in love with my heart (but claims to love my body too!) I have to admit that our sex life had been really bad lately: he is more than willing, but I feel so "ugly". And the truth be told, I am uncomfortable with it. Not emotionally, but physically. I can't breathe and just feel miserable. The desire is definitely not there. We cuddle a lot though and I DO enjoy that. He is so kind and understanding. I know he gets frustrated, but never complains. He does and says all the right things to help me "get in the mood", but nothing seems to work. Hopefully, as I lose the weight, things will improve. ANYWAY, (boy did I get sidetracked.....sorry, must have needed to vent). Back to the real subject; I get the impression that your marriage may have more issues to address than merely the weight gain. When my husband and I got married we promised to love through better or worse, in sickness and in health. I understand that weight can be a turnoff, but the love should be there regardless. You AND your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Wow, I just posted something similiar in my 1 yr bandaversary thread. very similiar stories. Dh and I got together after one of my starvation modes. I was thin all of 5 mins, but it was in that 5mins I met him. It took me about 6 mths to slowly work my way back up to the huge weight I was before and the poor guy didnt know what hit him. With the weight gain came all my fears and demons again. It was a terrible 4 years or so before I was banded, I dont know how we survived, but we did. I wish you all the best and I truely know how you feel. hugs

same thing happened to me. no appetite for 6-7 days then all of a sudden you are out of the haze of pain meds, pain, resting, and beginning to get back to work. and of a sudden... oh, hmmm. this mushie is good. and it went down. hmm. no problem. mass in colon. weight gain. it all makes sense.

Reality has hit, hard. I decided to weigh myself this morning as I was getting ready for work. Even before I stepped on the scale that I haven't used now for months, I gave myself a pep talk. I tried to convince myself that the weight I knew I've gained was okay because after all I am pregnant. I convinced myself even before lifting one toe toward the horrible weighing machine that whatever the display read I would not let it ruin my day. Finally, I gained the courage to make the step onto the scale and it read 119.5. I was confused. Oops! Someone set the scale to Kg (probably my foreign-born spouse who can make total sense out of the meteric system). Okay trying again, now with the scale settings properly adjusted, it read "264.5". Holy crap! That's 30lbs since November!!! Yes, I know that I'm pregnant, but the recommended weight gain for overweight women is like 15lbs or something. I am not disappointed that I've gained weight with my pregnancy, it's the amount of weight that I'm disappointed in. So, analyzing the situation, I know what has happened. 1) I haven't exercised all winter. 2) I eat ice cream or chips or popcorn or candy or chocolate on a daily basis. (an 8 count box of ice cream drumsticks in 2 days) 3) Having my band unfilled in December was not a good idea-I have no restriction nor do I have self control. I am just out of control. Really. I've known this for a while now, but I have finally decided to face the reality of the situation. I've been warned by my OB/GYN that the hospital I plan on having my baby at will not deliver a woman with a BMI over 40 (I think)-maybe it's that they won't take a pregnant woman with a BMI over 40 because of the weight they'll gain, then they'll be well over a 40 BMI when they deliver. Whatever. I need to start eating healthier and exercising. BTW-the scale at her office read 258 2 weeks ago. Either I've gained 6lbs in 2 weeks or our scales are not calibrated the same. I'm praying for the latter. I need to make some changes, now! It sounds so easy. 1) Eat healthy, nutritious food. 2) Move your body. I definately am not looking to lose weight, again I am pregnant and I'm well read on the topic of weightloss during pregnancy. Still, my focus should be to get back to the basics of being banded (I've nearly forgot that I have a band except for the occasional morning PB on a bagel or some other type of bread). Here is the agreement that I've made with myself. 1) Completely cut out candy,ice cream and junk food 2) Limit liquids to water, crystal light, lowfat milk (no soda!!!) 3) Eat fish 3 times/week (not fried)-omega3's are so good for ya! 4) Exercise daily even if the weather is crappy, I will find a place and time everyday to at least take a 20-30 minute walk. I know that I need to get back on track not only for me and my health, but for the little girl living in my womb. I know that I'm way less moody and more energetic when I eat well and get my exercise. Oh yeah, and my skin looks great, I guess it's the protein. There's my plan all layed out.

Reality has hit, hard. I decided to weigh myself this morning as I was getting ready for work. Even before I stepped on the scale that I haven't used now for months, I gave myself a pep talk. I tried to convince myself that the weight I knew I've gained was okay because after all I am pregnant. I convinced myself even before lifting one toe toward the horrible weighing machine that whatever the display read I would not let it ruin my day. Finally, I gained the courage to make the step onto the scale and it read 119.5. I was confused. Oops! Someone set the scale to Kg (probably my foreign-born spouse who can make total sense out of the meteric system). Okay trying again, now with the scale settings properly adjusted, it read "264.5". Holy crap! That's 30lbs since November!!! Yes, I know that I'm pregnant, but the recommended weight gain for overweight women is like 15lbs or something. I am not disappointed that I've gained weight with my pregnancy, it's the amount of weight that I'm disappointed in. So, analyzing the situation, I know what has happened. 1) I haven't exercised all winter. 2) I eat ice cream or chips or popcorn or candy or chocolate on a daily basis. (an 8 count box of ice cream drumsticks in 2 days) 3) Having my band unfilled in December was not a good idea-I have no restriction nor do I have self control. I am just out of control. Really. I've known this for a while now, but I have finally decided to face the reality of the situation. I've been warned by my OB/GYN that the hospital I plan on having my baby at will not deliver a woman with a BMI over 40 (I think)-maybe it's that they won't take a pregnant woman with a BMI over 40 because of the weight they'll gain, then they'll be well over a 40 BMI when they deliver. Whatever. I need to start eating healthier and exercising. BTW-the scale at her office read 258 2 weeks ago. Either I've gained 6lbs in 2 weeks or our scales are not calibrated the same. I'm praying for the latter. I need to make some changes, now! It sounds so easy. 1) Eat healthy, nutritious food. 2) Move your body. I definately am not looking to lose weight, again I am pregnant and I'm well read on the topic of weightloss during pregnancy. Still, my focus should be to get back to the basics of being banded (I've nearly forgot that I have a band except for the occasional morning PB on a bagel or some other type of bread). Here is the agreement that I've made with myself. 1) Completely cut out candy,ice cream and junk food 2) Limit liquids to water, crystal light, lowfat milk (no soda!!!) 3) Eat fish 3 times/week (not fried)-omega3's are so good for ya! 4) Exercise daily even if the weather is crappy, I will find a place and time everyday to at least take a 20-30 minute walk. I know that I need to get back on track not only for me and my health, but for the little girl living in my womb. I know that I'm way less moody and more energetic when I eat well and get my exercise. Oh yeah, and my skin looks great, I guess it's the protein. There's my plan all layed out.

I'm not going to post my weight (gain or loss) for awhile. I really need to concentrate more on other areas and the scale is driving me mad. So, I'm going to put the scale in the closet and, if it's ok, I'll post my weight again in a couple of weeks.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I am 36 and I was overweight in grade school and lost weight in junior high school, still always a little overweight. I was married in 91 to my husband of 15 years(that I met at church). I had our first daughter in 92 and gained alot of weight with her. I maintained that weight gain plus some and I was at 230 pounds when I looked into lapband. That was my highest weight. I wanted to get a grip on my weight before it got worse. I was banded Oct 6, 2006 and weighed 226 I believe. My goal is to weigh 135, which is 8 pounds less then what I weighed for my wedding day(which is the best I ever felt) I just want to see what it feels like to be a weight I haven't been since Jr. High. I only have 53 pounds to go. I am 188 now and at a standstill. I have done that off and on and it doesn't worry me. It is a healthy way to loose. I am looking forward to weigh in next Wednesday.

This entry is for Monday, March 27, 2006 Breakfast: nothing, not hungry Lunch: beans, 1 oz. Mexican beef steak Dinner: Mexican beef steak, 3 tomillos Snack: serving cookies, cup cappaccino I notice since my husband has been home, I've been eating an actual dinner. And at about 8:00 p.m. I've been eating a snack. This is, I'm sure, the reason for my 2 pound weight gain. That, and I'm expecting my cycle soon. Now that I realize that in only a week's time, I can mke a change to my eating schedule.

This entry is for Monday, March 27, 2006 Breakfast: nothing, not hungry Lunch: beans, 1 oz. Mexican beef steak Dinner: Mexican beef steak, 3 tomillos Snack: serving cookies, cup cappaccino I notice since my husband has been home, I've been eating an actual dinner. And at about 8:00 p.m. I've been eating a snack. This is, I'm sure, the reason for my 2 pound weight gain. That, and I'm expecting my cycle soon. Now that I realize that in only a week's time, I can mke a change to my eating schedule.

Dr. Pleatman Does every patient regain their weight? I had my band removed on November 28th 2005 from erosion...I have yet to gain ANY weight back yet...when does this happen? How long after the band is removed will weight gain occur? I would like to think I did learn something from my band journey which is helping me to not gain the 100+ lbs I lost in 18 months with my band.

When I first started pursing the band, I had a bmi of 39. A low bmi plus my absolute determination to get banded = last supper syndrome. I ate and ate and ate, gaining about 25 pounds in a shockingly brief period of time. I finally came out of it in January and haven’t binged since. To tell you the truth, I'm kind of sick of food altogether and looking forward to the liquids phase. I haven't been making great food choices, but I'm not bingeing at all. Right now I'm working on making better choices because the choices I'm making now are 100% based on convenience (e.g. skipping lunch because it's a pain to pack it or to go out and wait in line somewhere, then going through the drive thru after work so I can eat in the car and be done by the time I get home so I can do other stuff.) I haven't been exercising at all. I was really having a problem with that because the rapid weight gain has put a LOT of stress on my body. (Back pain, leg pain, footpain, etc.) I am 31 but I feel 81. I can barely walk half a block. Plus, it's also a mind thing. I keep thinking of exercise in terms of what I <b>used to</b> be able to do. I used to be able to do 45 minutes of aerobics or walk 45 minutes and the thought of even trying that right now is overwhelming, so I don’t try. BUT! I had a revelation over the weekend. I bought a pair of pants to exercise in and on Saturday I put them on and put on my tennies and was able to walk much longer than usual. Yesterday I went on a ten minute walk around the block. It was hard, but I did it! I'm going to do my best to do that every day from now until May 1. I think that helps with the mental thing and with the waiting. Now I feel like I'm doing <i><b>something</i></b>, not just waiting around for my surgery date. I'm doing a lot of work in that area. The great thing about Cedars-Sinai is they take the weight loss as a done deal. You ARE going to lose weight. So they focus on ways to live your life post band. I had to see a social worker as part of my eval. The social worker really wanted me to think about how I've handled weight loss in the past (very badly, hence the regain) and what obstacles I might face this time around. I will have to overcome a lot of challenges in order to make this THE LAST TIME I am ever obese. I have a lot of issues. Unfortunately, I am one of those who is battling depression (I'm on meds for it) and I have very low self confidence and self esteem. I don't have any friends here and am completely isolated socially (all my own doing. I’m too fat to look at myself so I don’t want anyone else looking at me!) I'm used to being invisible. I LIKE being invisible. I also tend to be an obsessive all-or-nothing type of person, so whenever I slip in terms of food and exercise, I don't just fall off the wagon, I jump off and run the other way. These are all issues I've had for a long time and they're not going to change just because I'm losing weight. In fact, things are going to get a lot scarier for me. In the past I have not been able to handle all of the changes. So if I want to succeed, I have to do something about all of this. Planning for it in advance is a luxury that I fully intend to take advantage of. The day after I met with the social worker, I went out and found a great therapist. I've been in therapy before and it was mostly me talking and crying with no real end in sight. My new therapist is very goal-oriented and we are focusing on the things that will ultimately be most difficult for me. It's only been a month, so I still have all of those issues, but I feel like I am making progress and I am confident that when the time comes to deal with these things, I will be able to handle it. If have to pay someone to hold my hand through this process, then dammit, I will do it! So, in a way, it’s a good thing to have five weeks until my surgery. The waiting sucks, but it’s nice to be on the other end – waiting for a confirmed surgery date, rather than waiting for insurance approval! At least I know I'm definitely going to have it and I know when. These next weeks will give me time to ease into the changes gradually, which I have already started to do. I won’t lie though, I wish it were sooner! And sadly, I am looking forward to it as a week away from my job!

Here's the thing, with a pre-op and post-op diet you'll probably only be about 20 pounds away from your goal. Lab-band surgery is a pretty drastic, expensive step for 20 pounds. The band isn't a miracle cure, you still have to diet and exercise. Surgery isn't something to undergo lightly, it can be dangerous and is definitely painful. I'm not in your shoes but from this side of the band I don't think I'd take such a drastic step for 40 pounds of weight loss. I think you should take the (over) $11,000 (and that's for surgery in Mexico) and hire a personal trainer, a dietician, and maybe even some counselling. I'm not suggestion that your fear of weight gain is immaterial or unwarranted, I'm just saying maybe you should start with a more moderate approach to weight loss. The band will always be there if you need it. Right now I don't think you need it.

Xann, Hang in there girl, a lot of us have been in the same boat, here take my life jacket for a while. I have dealt with a lot of depression since my banding. I try and remember that we all started at different weights so we are gonna lose differently as well. Some of us are turles and some are rabbits, but look on the bright side, you are lossing, yes it is slow, but lossing, its a blessing. My first visit back to the doctor I had gained 10 lbs back from the weight I had lost during my all liquids stage. This is a life time journey so dont be so hard on yourself, I think to myself " I didnt get this heavy over night and I am not going to lose it over night". I believe your period has something to do with weight gain, I know I bloat something awful, so Water weight will get to you. Drink more water, sounds crazy but it helps flushes the extra water away. We all are here if you need us, vent, cry or even cuss....you're not alone!

I am at work and read through this post really fast and I have PMS and am easily ticked off... so bare with me if I make an a** out of myself. One thing I have learned is to listen to people I trust that are in the field. When I started investigating plastic surgeons, I asked my very trusted lap band surgeon who HE recommended because he knows a hell of a lot more about it than any friend, husband, etc. LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND. Do not be in such a hurry that you have surgery with an innexperienced surgeon just because you can't wait. All the follow up in the world won't help if your band isn't properly placed in the beginning. My guess is that if you talk to the surgeon's office that your friend suggested he may have relationships with follow up care offices in your area. As for your husband saying he won't give you the money to have the surgery if you don't go to a different doctor- why the hell is he in charge of what you do with your body? Man, he is in for a rude awakening when you get the band, lose weight, gain some self esteem and kick his condescending, controlling butt to the curb. This your body. Your life. Your band future. Megan

((I was just wondering where youve been lately - good to see you!)) You are so right TommyO! The realism that I do not have BIG weight gains, (generally keep the same weight) is a positive result from the band. Very good post! And its good to hear some great feedback from the opposite sex.

Not eating and drinking is a struggle for most of us, so this is what I do, I do not allow the waiter/waiteress to bring water and neither do I have it on the table while I am eating. Just out of habit we do things so don't make it so convient for yourself. You difinately needed your band to rest, you gave it to much in a day. After any PB episodes you must allow your band to rest. Take it slow, it will be alright. For me, fills are always a challenge. Usually up to 2/3 weeks after a fill I am very limited with what I can eat and then one day I wake up and I can eat things that have been a struggle. That's my sign for a fill. I usually wait 5/6 weeks in between fills. I waited over 2 months before getting my first fill so I feel like I'm behind on my weight lost but it's still been consistant and no weight gains since I was banded. That is a blessing for me all together. Stay encourage and try to follow the band rules. I know it's hard just from my own personal experience.

The other thing my doctor told me- is we as country over portion even for the kids! A meat serving for them is "their fist size" not mine! Same for other foods. So I down loaded a portion size chart for foods- but you also have to remember I am dealing with a lot of special needs children with tendancies for weight gain and the distinct possibility we might not read- so we are way to creative- I also have a padlock on the snack cabniet (ie- cherrios, grahm crackers, animal crackers, gold fish , mommy favorite home made oatmeal & bran "poopy" cookies. This is more to keep them out- since none of the lazy susan locks worked. But it does keep them out the oldest goes for the grape s or cut up apples first! (By the way I use "snack bags- about 1/2 - 2/3 size of sandwhich bag!- I love them)

If it was such a simple science then the obesity rate wouldn't be so high. 3500/ Calories In-Calories Out doesn't always equal a one pound lose. If that was the case people who stick to a plan and exercise and keep track of their BMR wouldn't stall... wouldn't have weight loss spurts... or weight gains. The fact is there are people who have hormone issues, slow metabolisms, yo-yo'ed dieted... lose at different rates.

Went to a local WLS support group meeting tonight. Out of thirty or more people, there were only two bandsters--three including me who has yet to me banded. The leader of the meeting pretty much said I would fail at this band thing--that most banded she's seen convert to the RNY eventually. She said that most of the lap band folks are not happy with their slow weight loss--and she said that there are so many things that can go wrong--slippage, erosion, etc. She said that I'd have a higher chance of having more surgeries than if I were to have the RNY. She said that if I have a sweet tooth, then the band is DEFINITELY NOT FOR ME. This bummed me out for a---SECOND--then I came to my senses. This is the best and safest way to go. Eventually, I am going to have to come to terms with the type of and amount of food I eat, and even if I were to get the RNY, I'd have to come to terms with eating sugar eventually. From what I hear, the "dumping" gets less and less severe as time goes on. I do have some what of a sweet tooth, but I don't care for sugary liquids at all. I do love cookies--cakes, etc., but I willing to say good-bye to them to regain my health. The main thing I'm looking for in the band is to help control real, physical hunger--not head hunger--but physical hunger--that's all my expectation of the band. It just frustrates me that she (leader of WLS meeting) tried to talk me out of the band. She even mentioned how she's struggling with her weight gain (after 5 years out/RNY) and that she still vomits a lot--and that her teeth are chipping easily (possibly due to a mineral deficiency). Ahh--I don't know. I just want SO BADLY to be successful. I don't expect a miracle cure. I just want help with this journey. Am I asking too much of the band for that--help to curb the ravenous physical hunger? Thanks all for listening...

:omg: at 2 Philly steak sandwiches a month out!! That is crazy!!! :confused: Warning: Tough love coming.... Re: drinking during meals. We all CAN do it. We choose NOT to do it for maximum results. Re: eating everything.... The band does not make healthy choices for you. If you choose to shove carbs and crap down there, the weight will keep coming and you have wasted your time, money and energy. You have to make healthy choices!! If you can eat eat eat a lot.... then fine. Eat 4 boiled chicken breasts if you want to. Eat a whole package of steamed carrots. For munching, grab a plain yogurt or a banana. I think you were seriously misled if your surgeon told you that the band will do all the work and choices for you. The band is NOT bypass and is a dual partnership in which you must diet and exercise and use the band as a tool for weightloss. It will not be a catch all and it will not stop you from eating stuff that causes weight gain. Re: a month post op.... When did you start eating hard solids like that? What week? What were your post op instructions? Who is your surgeon? Where were you banded? Take your small bites slowly, chew well and rest between each bite, about 15 full seconds. DON'T drink before, during meals or after meals. Eat for maximum of 20 minutes and stop. Give it time to settle in your pouch first. The band WILL work and do its job. You have to work with it. :hungry: Once you deal with the head hunger, life will start getting better, I promise. Just hang in there!:clap2:

I'm so glad we're having this conversation. Count me in the category of people who would prefer not to be commented on at all, even if it is a compliment. When I was 22, I starved myself down to 135lbs. I am 5'7" so that was pretty small for me. When I was 28, I did it again, going from 220 to 140. I found being a healthy weight terrifying and uncomfortable. While I was proud of myself for losing the weight, I wasn't prepared for the reaction. When I was 13, I was closet bingeing while all the other girls were learning how to flirt and talk to boys. I never learned how to do those things, so I felt inadequate and foolish. I was bewildered when total strangers who had never seen me before, never known that I was fat, complimented me. I felt afraid because deep in my heart, I <b>knew</b> that I had lost weight by starving myself and that it wouldn't last. If people noticed me losing weight, they'd certainly notice me gaining it back and I <i>cringed</i> at the thought. All of that adds up to a lot of inner turmoil. Confused, exposed, angry, scared, etc. all added up to weight gain. I see it so clearly now, but I didn't see it then. I see that some people were genuinely glad for me and complimented me because well...that's how they would want to be treated if the situation were reversed. I see that some people complimented me because I carried myself with a little more pride and confidence. And I see that some people were negative because of their own issues, and it had nothing to do with me. I hadn't thought about all of this in a while, but it all came back when I had my eval with the social worker. I realized that though I have a lot more clarity now, this is still going to be scary. The only way to deal with the fear and insecurity is to push right through it. It's going to be difficult, so I followed the social worker's advice and found a therapist to help me with this particular issue. She's going to help me fight through all of that and come out of it stronger this time, not fatter.

20 lbs since February?? Um.. is this not great??? How much were you losing BEFORE being banded?? The AVERAGE is 5-10lbs PER MONTH - after having restriction. I'd say you have done better than average and you can tell those inquiring minds that the band is slow weight loss, not unhealthy super fast weight-loss and that you'll report to them on a monthly basis or quarterly, but minute by minute is just unreasonable.. lol. You probably ARE compacting and gaining muscle OR your itty bitty 2lbs is water weight gain. I fluctuate this much IN A DAY... Give yourself a break, girl, this is not a race and you're right on track! Keep up the good work and try to relax, this is for life. Even your doctors goal is ONLY 50-100 lbs PER YEAR. It all works out over time...

Have you all ever head of SAD Disorder ? My father has it. It is one of the major reasons that we all moved to Arizona from Illinois. http://www.sada.org.uk/ Seasonal Affective Disorder What is Seasonal Affective Disorder? Some people suffer from symptoms of depression during the winter months, with symptoms subsiding during the spring and summer months. This may be a sign of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is a mood disorder associated with depression episodes and related to seasonal variations of light. fact sheet index SAD was first noted before 1845, but was not officially named until the early 1980’s. As sunlight has affected the seasonal activities of animals (i.e., reproductive cycles and hibernation), SAD may be an effect of this seasonal light variation in humans. As seasons change, there is a shift in our “biological internal clocks” or circadian rhythm, due partly to these changes in sunlight patterns. This can cause our biological clocks to be out of “step” with our daily schedules. The most difficult months for SAD sufferers are January and February, and younger persons and women are at higher risk. Symptoms Include: regularly occurring symptoms of depression (excessive eating and sleeping, weight gain) during the fall or winter months. full remission from depression occur in the spring and summer months. symptoms have occurred in the past two years, with no nonseasonal depression episodes. seasonal episodes substantially outnumber nonseasonal depression episodes. a craving for sugary and/or starchy foods. Possible Cause of this Disorder Melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain, has been linked to SAD. This hormone, which may cause symptoms of depression, is produced at increased levels in the dark. Therefore, when the days are shorter and darker the production of this hormone increases. Treatments Phototherapy or bright light therapy has been shown to suppress the brain’s secretion of melatonin. Although, there have been no research findings to definitely link this therapy with an antidepressant effect, many people respond to this treatment. The device most often used today is a bank of white fluorescent lights on a metal reflector and shield with a plastic screen. For mild symptoms, spending time outdoors during the day or arranging homes and workplaces to receive more sunlight may be helpful. One study found that an hour’s walk in winter sunlight was as effective as two and a half hours under bright artificial light. If phototherapy doesn’t work, an antidepressant drug may prove effective in reducing or eliminating SAD symptoms, but there may be unwanted side effects to consider. Discuss your symptoms thoroughly with your family doctor and/or mental health professional.

I guess weight loss is a very sensitive issue -- I obviously knew weight GAIN was but who would think the opposite would be true? I was just questioning this myself as very few people comment on my weight loss and I had myself convinced you couldn't even tell. I think actually it is just that people don't know what to say or how to say it! My parents are very happy for my weight loss, but my Dad doesn't ask me about it any more, and I am convinced it is b/c he is heavy himself and like your hair dresser, has issues with my success losing wieght.......................

Gosh.... that's such a good question! One I've avoided thinking about for way too long. I should probably go to therapy to answer it. I mean the obvious culprits are there -- lack of exercise, love of chocolate and junk food, eating lots of food late at night and not eating all day. I totally do the "night picnic" someone mentioned. I actually get annoyed if my boyfriend comes home before my little food fest is over because I like to binge in privacy. But deep down, I think my weight gain always has to do with MEN. I've never been obsesssed with food in the way some people are talking about. I definitely don't think about it all the time or anything. In fact, the opposite is probably true. I DON'T think about it and then I get starving out of nowhere and eat whatever is in front of me, which ususally means fast food, junk food, processed food-- and the absolute WORST thing for my diet -- TAKE-OUT! I live in NYC and take-out is a way of life here. No one, and I mean no one, COOKS anything. In fact think one of my biggest problems is LAZINESS. I'm very lazy when it comes to food and I just want what's there and what's easy. Even now as I sit at my desk, the thought of going down two flights of stairs to get a salad and some tuna fish just seems like a big mission to me. I put it off and put if off and then the caf is closed and I have to eat something from the candy store instead. Which is really bad with the band and so I need to learn how to take the time to eat the right things or I'll end up losing nothing. But back to MEN -- let's see, there have really been two of them which have caused this gain. My father and my ex-boyfriend. My father died suddenly on vacation when I was 7 years old. My parents were in Italy and I was staying with an aunt who ended up being the person who told me he was dead because my mom was still stuck in Italy trying to get his body back home. It was a total nightmare because she didn't speak Italian and was hysterical and of course, I had no idea what was happening and wast totally terrified. Anyway, the first thing my aunt did is give me a king-sized Butterfinger. She kept giving me and my cousin candy money for the next couple weeks just to go to the candy store and of course, I put on a bunch of weight. I ended up losing most of it though as I grew up, just because -- thank heavens -- I ended up being really tall and lost a lot of the weight in puberty. Still, I don't think I EVER once in my life have not thought of myself as FAT since I was 7 years old. It's so sad, I look at my diary when I was a kid and there's all these "memoirs of a 7-year old", in this really childish handwriting, ranting about how fat and disgusting she was and how she would never, ever eat chocolate again -- and then I realize that's me! So like many of you, yes I guess food become a MAJOR comfort for me. But not just food in general, JUNK FOOD. And not even chips or fried stuff or anything like that, but CANDY. Yup, that fabled afternoon when I found out about my daddy dying -- just created one of the biggest sweet tooths imaginable. Fast forward a bit and then take-out food and alcohol became the big culprit --- that was always my problem in college and even when I moved to NYC. Take out is just so fattening, especially when you eat it late at night like I did (and still do unfortunately). Plus all the beer and booze you drink in college and as a single-girl in NYC.... EEK!!! Still, it was fairly under control until STEVEN. That's the evil ex. It's probably not appropriate to discuss but basically he had absolutely ZERO sexual interest in me and this would make me completely depressed and the bastard would SENSE this and bring home a pint of Ben & Jerry's. He basically placated my need for sex and intimacy with chocolate and sweets. I think he also WANTED me to get big in a way... the psychotic jerk. :angry So ultimately, sexual rejection = eating candy, and abandonment = eating candy. But here we are NOW. No sexual REJECTION (the new BF is wonderful and worships me just the way I am -- he's probably more concerned with me losing weight and finding some other guy or something ridiculous like that), and no ABANDONMENT (although I guess that always sticks with you, doesn't it?). So why am I fat now?? Last year I lost about 20 pounds through hard, hard work at the gym and in about 2 months, I gained it all back plus 10. Why?? Well, laziness is part of it -- I really don't like to exercise, although once I'm there, I enjoy it. Plus, I "hide my weight well" as they say, being 5'8 and all so gaining weight didn't really affect my confidence or social skills that much -- until recently of course, which is when I decided to have the surgery. But also, I think I JUST DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE. Strange really, but it was like I just gave up on the thought of ever being skinny. Even now with the band, part of me just can't imagine being skinny ever, ever again..... I simply don't believe that it's a possibility. I read everyone's success stories on here-- which are so inspiring -- but I have this deep down terror that the band just WILL NOT WORK FOR ME. I don't know, I guess I'm totally crazy. Anyway, sorry for the "book" guys. It just feels good to get all this stuff out though, doesn't it? Funny, I never thought I'd be exploring my internal struggles with perfect strangers, but there you go! Good luck and God Bless to all of you! Suzanne