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@@jenn1, I LOOOOVE that meme! LMAO!!! I LOVE a great leg day...usually takes me two hours to get through my leg workout, and I know it was good when I can barely walk out of that gym! I got back into weight lifting two years ago. I lift 5-6 days a week, breaking up my workouts in various ways. Legs days are always stand alone, the other muscle groups are usually paired with a push and pull exercise, combining bi's and tri's, or chest and bi's, back and shoulders, etc. If I am targeting a specific muscle for growth, I will do stand alone workouts for that muscle as well, working it twice a week/or every 3-4 days. Like some of the others, I do not care about weight gain, as long as it is muscle mass that is packing on. I have actually added about 15 pounds of mass since hitting my lowest post surgery weight. I still wear the same size despite the added weight, I am just a lot leaner and packing extra mass. I have also added a lot of strength since starting this venture. When I first started, I couldn't even squat 95 pounds! Last leg day I got in 6 reps 205 (I haven't maxed out in a while, but after that session I know its increased)! I love lifting, I consider myself an officially addicted bonafide gym rat!!! It just sucks that is so much harder for females to add mass . It's taken me these two years to finally get to point that you can tell I'm packing some mass without having to lift the weight or flex. Anyway, loved the topic...thanks for posting!

I finally found an article about food addiction written in a way that is easily understood by all. Below you will find the normal behavior versus the addictive behavior. Here's an excerpt from that section: Dependence on food will be habitual, while addiction to food will be somewhat unpredictable (e.g., a morning cup of coffee versus the sudden, inexplicable drive to eat four servings of cheesecake) Dependence on food will have few, if any, emotional causes, but addiction to food is provoked by emotions and circumstances that cause feelings of powerlessness (e.g., a treat to get through a trying day at work versus a binge to avoid focusing on painful thoughts Dependence on food will have few, if any, emotional effects, whereas addiction to food will cause great anxiety if not properly attended to (e.g., being cranky due to caffeine deprivation versus feeling panicked because a planned binge is interrupted) Dependence on food will cause minimal interference in other areas of a person’s life, but addiction to food will disturb every aspect (e.g., a love for red wine with dinner versus preferring to eat alone for the sake of overeating) Dependence on food can be controlled at will, but food addiction appears as an unstoppable force in the person’s life (e.g., giving up pizza after noticing slight weight gain versus trying to stick to a healthy eating plan but derailing constantly; having a divided mind that seems to want opposite things) Dependence on food is pleasurable, but food addiction is a torment (e.g., traditional Christmas cookies versus the horror one has that one has eaten the whole box of cookies, coupled with the knowledge that one isn’t done yet) Dependence on food is casual, whereas food addiction appears to the addicted person to be closely tied to his or her identity (e.g., the guilty pleasure of Cheetos versus the shame and feelings of inadequacy that often accompany a binge) Perhaps one of the most important paragraphs is below: (helpful to read the entire article) What happened in this scenario demonstrates what, for many people, is the central issue of food addiction. Bingeing allows the food-addicted person to avoid dealing with threatening emotions (such as his or her perceived failure, powerlessness, or inferiority) by replacing them with guilt and shame, which are also threatening, but in a familiar, almost comfortable way. In the mind of the food-addicted person, the pivotal issue is lack of willpower. But in truth, they are using food to defend themselves against the pain in their life. By facilitating this transfer and avoidance of emotions, food has become a drug, and it is at this point that the food-addicted person needs to seek help. Bingeing has a different meaning for most people. When I was obese I thought it meant that you ate in the closet in the dark with a whole package of Oreos and a gallon of milk. Of course I didn't do that so I didn't think it applied to my behavior. (umm...denial) Finally I realized that my weekend routine of buying a huge Bucket 'O Chicken and locking myself in my apartment from Friday evening until going to work on Monday morning was certainly a form of bingeing. The same thing applied to my Quarter Pounder with Cheese obsession. I'm sure the Dallas quarterly earnings dropped significantly around the time I woke up to my dependence on this junk food. Most importantly please, please, please....do not walk the path of shame. From that same paragraph the very important part of the article... "In the mind of the food-addicted person, the pivotal issue is lack of willpower. But in truth, they are using food to defend themselves against the pain in their life." How sad it is that we are just trying to avoid the pain of life by using food. The problem is that it never works without paying a great price. Ask for help, educate yourself, and know that freedom from this disease is truly possible.

hi all. proudgrammy, thats 20 lbs post-op. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I think, staying off the scales is a good idea. My mom, who is a great inspiration to me agrees. I probably am not getting enough Protein or fluids because I can't keep from being nauseous. It feels like it is "right there" and it wont go anywhere, up or down. So I end up throwing up a lot of spit. I was 239 when I started and would LOVE to get down to 130. That would exceed my expectations. I feel like I wish I could have had the bypass but there are some medications that I will never get off of, like my psych meds. And, I know one of them does cause weight gain so I know I am fighting upstream with that one. But with all this being said, I do feel better already. There are some things that most people take for granted that I couldn't do 3 weeks ago that I can do now. I have severe RA but am determined to walk as much as I can. I am embracing my treadmill because I know if I just cant go any further, I can just step off of it and I am home near a seat. I have had a total left knee and my right one needs to be replaced. I really felt it yesterday when I was on the treadmill, but am determined not to have it replaced until one year post-op. I am so glad I found this site. I live out in the middle of nowhere where the nearest support group is 60 miles away. Even then, I plan on attending as many as I can. Thanks all for your wise thoughts.

I believe that many times our weight gain is not necessarily fat gained. My daughter and grankdkids came for a visit for 6 days. Grandkids are teenagers and we had chips, ice cream, breads and all kinds of bad stuff around that house and I ate my share. But, we did ride bikes most every day so I did get in my exercise. Long story short, I gained 7 lbs in 6 days. BUT, after they left I went back to my usual lapband friendly diet and lost 9 lbs in one week. Now it's impossible to lose 9 lbs of fat in one week but it's easy to gain or lose 7 lbs of Fluid in one week. So, the net loss was 2 lbs over the near two weeks they visited. So, don't dispair. Most of what you've gained is probably Water weight and not fat. tmf

Howdy, All. Another glorious day in Mtg lending... DH & I spent yesterday doing yard work... the weeds are all mowed and I spent some time digging up the volunteer and squirel planted trees... That stinking Crepe Myrtle is the very devil. It grows from seed, AND the existing plants spread systemically - the roots are everywhere. ARRRRGH! I was able to get a couple of them completely out - roots and all - and I tamed the remaining bushes until I have the energy to go out and battle them again. Once a yard gets away from you, here, you might as well just get a flame thrower... it's nuts how awful my lawn is. Maybe I will put in a BIG patio..... So, today, every muscle in my back, butt & legs is SCREAMING every time I move. Nothing like spending several hours bent at the waist, pulling weeds and roots... *sigh* I guess I need to do yard work more frequently, eh? I think we are going to dedicate a day per weekend - at least that's what we are saying today... But you know how that goes. :] Kat - you won't get VERY lost... highway 20 is pretty easy to follow - and if we meet you part way, you won't even have to come into the big city. I am very excited. Now, when are you coming? I took about a minute of French - and I can fake it on the pronunciation - but it was too confusing to learn two languages that are SO similar. It messed me up with both languages pronunciation... so I dumped the French and devoted myself to Spanish. Mandy - I think I would have been quite surprised if "Flushed Away" DIDN'T have any toilet humor... it would seem to be expected in that particular film. Obviously I haven't been keeping up with my kid movies. I haven't seen any of these, yet. Chris - Don't worry too much about making any decisions regarding Andy... I think, in the end, you will find any decisions to be made are pretty obvious. Don't overthink it - just go with the flow and enjoy. Hugs! Eileenie - how awful to hear about such a horrid thing on a day dedicated to jokes! Hugs! So, how do you score a 4 day week? Did you take Good Friday off? Does your company give it as a Holiday? Spring has sprung, here, too. My peonies have big ol' pink buds on them. I should have flowers in the next day or two. LOVE peonies. St. Sherry - I think I like that... LOL! Sorry about the weight gain... Do you need a fill? Or have you just been eating around the band? I find my self eating more than I need on a pretty regular basis... which explains the fact that my scale is not budging from 287. *sigh* So, you are a Rieki Master, now... can you focus your Rieki energies toward weightloss? Or is that more of a spirit vs body thing? Betty - it truly was a fabulous day to be outside, yesterday, too. The sun was shining and it was lovely warm - but not scorchy at all. Ahhhh. Dianne - lol! Wouldn't THAT be something... AF Day passed me by, thankfully! I don't like practical jokes very much... and I am not in any mood to be surprised, these days. Hope that swelling goes down, soon. I know you are anxious to see what "the girls" will look like once they are at their normal size. Hugs!!! Cindy - MMMMMMmmmmm - crab cakes! Love those things... I would probably eat more than one... you are so good! I am going to have to try this "chess pie" stuff one of these days. It sounds so yummy! Darcy - if you skip exercise for an entire month, does that make you an exercise virgin, again? *sigh* OK - ZERO miles for March... so my YTD total remains 38 miles. How pathetic. Patty - HUGS!! I am glad DM is there to help out. I wouldn't fret TOO much... it will take the boys most of their vacation to figure out how to get into too much trouble... :] Hopefully, anything they get up to won't be permanently damaging. Well, I have lots more Spanish to study... I can't remember future or past tense verb forms, at ALL - so right now I speak a very limited version of pigeon spanish. Not so good if I want to teach the stuff. Back to the books! Hugs & Love to All!

Hey Twin yeah the website acting crazy had me bummed out. I get on here everyday or every other day just to kinda check in or read up on stuff but its wouldn't let me do anything ugh. So glad it's back to norm now. Your lucky to be starting foods now I can't start mine for another week. The mushies have been going good for me I find myself not as hungry and I still drink 2 protein shakes everyday. I mainly stick to cottage cheese and yogurt and I have 1 cup instant mashed potatos that I take to work if I get hungry. But so far so good. Easter i kinda ate a little more becuz it was a holiday lol. But it was all mushy So as far as no weight gain no weight lost it's going to happen no worries there just keep doing what your doing it's going to come off. As far as workout I have a gazelle it's like a sking machine i guess it works your whole body and it's fun. I aslo have a treadmill but it's a manuel one so it's super had to do. My dr cleared me so light exercise just no kinda ab workouts. My incision where my port is the corner is kinda infected so I have been cleaning it and putting neosporin on it, it's starting to itch so im assuming it's healing. But other then that everything is goin ok.

Talk to your NP. Make sure you are logging your food counts accurately by using an online tool like FitDay or MyFitnessPal and that you include everything--even your coffee/tea and "no cal" sweetener and that 1/4 oz. of cheddar you had the other day. (Wait. That was me.) I miscalculated twice last week and went over my counts even though I was carefully measuring and planning. It happens. Stalls also happen. They can be maddening. Have you taken measurements of yourself or written down things that have changed physically for you (crossing legs, not breathing so hard, feeling like you fit into that movie theater seat more easily, stuff like that). It's really tough to get through those periods. Can your surgeon point you to a support group you could attend? It always helps me to realize I'm not alone even if no one there actually knows how to fix it. I would make absolutely certain I was eating correctly 100% for quite some time and still experiencing weight gain before I even thought of putting myself through the expense and health ramifications of another surgery. You know what? You can do this. You went through I don't know how many months' weight loss before your pre-op diet, a week or two or even a month of pre-op, plus all the post-op relearning. You've lost forty-eight pounds. That is freaking amazing. You should be damned proud of yourself. Your hard work will pay off. Sometimes it takes our bodies a little extra time to catch up.

I was denied by aetna due to weight gain.

Do anyone have Aetna insurance? If so have anyone gained weight from the 1st day of the program and still got approved? iv gained 12 to 13 pounds and I am trying my best to get it off in 30 days if I don't will I get approved or denied?? My last nut appointment is the 15th Please help

The mind can do some mean things to us and missing your old food is one of them. Just think, it has been years that we run to chocolate cake and lovely carbs, but just as our journey begins we must let go of the past. We all risked our lives for a surgery, why on earth would we put toxic things back into our body? Miss your old food friends, but don't plan your reunion of when you can eat them again. Get excited about preparing healthy meals, losing weight, gaining control over head hunger. It is not always easy, I almost cried the other day for hot warm bread. But the moment passed eventually and I was very proud I did not visit that old friend bread:-) Hang in there and your feelings are very normal.

I just went through this entire thread, because I have Aetna as well, which is sponsored through my employer. I have read through all the documents on the requirements, and I am not seeing anywhere that is states there can not be weight gain through the process. Is this something that your surgeon advised you of? I just don't want any suprises:)

Whether you get stretch marks at all depends more on genetics and the rate you gained/lost the weight (slow gain/loss allows your skin more time to adjust, thus less chance of stretch marks and saggy skin happening). It also will depend on age too, since the younger you are, the better chance your skin may bounce back without too much damage. You can't get rid of or prevent stretch marks by using a lotion. If you stretched your skin too much too fast during weight gain, stretch marks will occur. They eventually fade so they aren't as noticeable, but no cream or topical ointment will remove/prevent them; these things only lessen the appearance temporarily. Do agree that keeping your skin hydrated is good for reducing the overall appearance of skin issues like stretch marks or saggy skin, but any decent lotion can do that if you're using it regularly.

Thank you so much!! I cant believe how much support this board is giving:) and yes I am always afraid of what am putting in my mouth as u said! and yes I am eating so little!! and finally after speaking with many and receiving ur awesome posts!! I have come to conclusion that it will be so different and so healthy with the sleeve! and that the first 2 weeks are days from hell! but they pass! and that I can get to my goal weight!! u all put so much optimism in my way:) I also had an appointment with another doctor for just a second opinion!! and he told me that I am considered a band success story!!! which really made me feel over the moon.. as my band doctor somehow considered he failed me somehow.. he is a friend to my dad and he mentioned that one day to him that he feels that he didn't do well with me! well the other doctor really said that my doctor was a great one! and he really did a great job with u! He is also convinced that I am gonna get through the sleeve as I had my band to practice some part of what I have to do with the sleeve too. He also believes that the human being should work on their band for maximum 6-8 years as it is very dangerous to keep it in for the rest of our lives.. supposedly the human being is then adapted to new life style and eating habits! My other doctor " the one who didn't perform the band but did the check ups with me and suggested the sleeve" is the one I am having the sleeve with. But my consult doctor is the one who brought up a nice point about WHY U ARE GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT ON UR SLEEVE! He told me .. as we get rid of the gherlin in ur body there is a hormonal balance that happens.. as much as the gherlin is not produced by large amounts in the stomach as before other 2 hormones starts to be produced which are the biggest help to higher ing ur metabolism rates! With the band the gherlin is there and may be always produced in highly amount as u are never ever satisfied! except for feeling restriction.. so by the time.. what ever u do !! the gherlin block the production of the other hormones with good quantity to help your metabolism and thats why some or more ppl experience weight-loss plateaus or may be weight gain! Hope I did well explaining what he said!! AND THATS WHY I AM HAVING MY SLEEVE!! and I will be hoping and praying the first 2 weeks pass so quick!! SO MUCH KISSES FOR ALL OF U HERE XOX

Haven't binged, not a binger - but a single binge is not going to do much to you . Any weight gain is likely from the break in ketosis, and should come off as soon as your ketosis is - reinstated. Tomorrow is always another opportunity. So is right now. (Meaning - the "tomorrow" syndrome kills plans, the "right now" doesn't).

I am currently working on an appeal for the very same reason, insurance denial. I chose the sleeve for several reasons, 1. malabsorption - I want t be able to absorb all the nutrients my body needs. 2. food choices - I want to be able to eat a variety of foods and eat foods recommended by the national guidelines for healthy eating. (relatively little chance of dumping syndrome) 3. I want to maintain my stomach's pyloric sphincter. In the RNY, the bottom of the pouch does not have a sphincter, instead it just has a small opening which can stretch out over time, resulting in food passing through the stomach quickly, and becoming hungry quicker. This often results in weight gain. 4. The fundus of the stomach (which produces ghrelin to make you hungry) is removed, often resulting in lessening hunger pains. 5. the part of the stomach that is left is not as stretchy, and less likely to stretch out of shape over time. 6. the amount of food that can be eaten is a little larger than the RNY and I think that amount is healthier and better for me. These are the things that have made me stick to my decision despite ignorant insurance companies.

I had the RNY bypass only last week but had been thinking about wls for some time. My husband was exactly the same as yours - very anxious about the risks of the operation and not understanding why I couldn't just lose through dieting as I had in the past. Anybody who has not been obese/morbidly obese almost certainly doesn't understand the issues around weight gain/loss for those who are. I had various co-morbidities and once I decided that I was going ahead with the surgery, just powered through his anxieties by saying I'd rather die of the surgery than spend 10 years having limb amputations due to diabetes. The day before my surgery somebody recommended to me Dr Matthew Weiner's book - How Weight Loss Surgery Really Works - and I read this immediately before my surgery. It validated all of my decision making and I highly recommend reading it if you're undecided about the surgery. If you, like me, are a yo-yo dieter who can lose weight on a diet and then gradually regains it all - it will resonate with you and give insights. Good luck with the decision making!

I wonder if I've always had thyroid problems--since early childhood, I mean. I wonder if my TSH has always been on the edge, making it easier for me to gain weight. I remember being sluggish as a child--tired a lot, too. I've been overweight as long as I can remember. I'm not blaming my thyroid for all my weight gain, but I am a very active person now--and I have such a difficult time losing weight--even when on my meds. But--with my TSH regulated, with regular exercise, and with a major decrease in calories (hopefully due to the band), I believe I will be successful at weight loss. I really don't care if it takes me 2-3 years to lose it all--as long as it happens. Blessings to you all on this weight loss/health journey.

If you do add some weights to cause that needed weight gain and are able to get approved for surgery, just think how successful you will appear to the doc when they weigh you the day of surgery. He/She will think you did super with your pre-op diet. I pray your appointment goes well and you get approved by your insurance company. I was self-pay and borrowed the money from my 401k. I didn't even tell my primary physician about the surgery yet because she is one of those people that believes in alternative medicine and I know she wouldn't approve. Plus my insurance company would only pay for Docs doing surgery locally through the hospital where I work and since they are fairly new to this type of surgery, I didn't want to take a chance and chose someone out of network. Best wishes, Stephanie

I had extreme swelling too but I was able to get liquids down, slowly, by only sipping through a 1 ounce med cup and I could get very little in at first. Do or did you have any sort of chronic inflammation issues or have you seen a rheumotologist in the past? I assumed my swelling is the fact that I get chronic inflammation throughout my body due to mixed tissue disease / Lupus. You could visibly see that my stomach (about 2 inches above my belly button) was extremely swollen 5 weeks after surgery. It does get better every day. Hopefully they do a blood test on you since they are actually starting you steroids to check for inflammation and check for positive ana's. In case you are worried about the steroids/weight gain don't. Steroids will not make you fat. They do increase the appetite which may help you get liquids down and they actually can give you extra energy, something I am sure you are lacking right now. Since you can't get liquids down you aren't going to overeat. If you aren't using a one ounce med cup try using that to take slow sips, and realize this is temporary. I am so sorry you are going through this and I'm sending you my thoughts and prayers.

Weight before sleeve: 388 Current weight: 308 9 weeks post op No weight gain. 80 pounds lost

Thanks for the update Gail!! I hope things get better for you and you can get another fill and get back on track.:laugh: We have the same dr. and i'm petrafied of weight gain. I have a pre op appt on Monday and I'm sure he will give me the rules & regs on being in this program. Best of luck & keep checking in!!

Greetings. I know this post will be contradictory to everything you just read. So bare with me... Here in the US, the band is typical for BMI 40 and higher (35 w/ comorbidities) However, this can be circumvented if you are self pay as there are no insurance hoops to jump through. Our peers in other countries (Europe and Australia specifically) have been doing this much longer and many of their participants are lower in BMI. I would be assumptive to believe their average 'obese' person in their population is not the same as ours. I am not sure at what your height is, but for me 195-200 would be a BMI of 30 for me. And for me, that is obese an unacceptable standard. And despite differing opinions, if you were to ask bandsters if they would find it acceptable to remove the band at BMI 30 because they are not fat enough anymore, they would all balk. I get peeved when I hear others state whom they feel is an appropriate candidate for the procedure. It is likened to family and friends discouraging someone from the band because they deem it drastic. Because hey, all you have to do is eat less right? But in reality, you are suffering like the rest of us. You can mask it with all the positives you want, but in reality, you are out of control and struggle with maintenance like the rest of us. We just managed to gain more. I am certain you can find others here who have the same habits (ie binging etc) and ended up in the yo-yo effect you are living out. Whether you are 300, 250 or 200 the lifestyle, the habits are the same. The negative effects you are having on your body are not mitigated by the 'healthy cholesterol and low sugar' bit. Your playing havoc on your metabolism, wasting muscle weight with fat and setting yourself up for easier weight gain each and every time you reattempt to lose. This is the bodies natural response to this kind of loss-gain-loss-gain cycle. So let's talk mental for a minute. You avoid life as a consequence of being overweight. You feel devalued at work. You feed the emotions etc. This is more of a burden than the weight itself wouldn't you agree? It's the impact fat has on your life, your decisions and your relationships that create this vicious cycle. If all your efforts are unsuccessful, or temporary, you need another solution. We all sat at this intersection and had to determine if the band was that solution. Sure you and I have different circumstances, but our needs are the same. Being vegan you should already be savvy on how to achieve minimum Protein levels through your current diet. I personally find vegan Proteins (ie tofu, Beans etc) much easier to digest than meat proteins so, in reality, you may have a head start on us. Can you achieve 80g min of healthy protein daily in your current diet? Recognize you will be limited to about 1c of food per serving. If so, than you'll be like the rest of us calculating protein levels and finding creative solutions to achieve those numbers. As for the longevity/success of the band. If you want a guarantee, you won't get one...that's true for any diet or wls procedure. However, the band is designed to be placed once and for the life of the patient. True, some need revisions, repairs, replacements or removals for various reasons. But this is still the minority statistic. Much of the success is up to the patient to be compliant. But side note, specific to maintenance. I too was easy at losing weight initally. My issue was always maintenance as I reverted back to old habits. And this is where the band saved me personally. After getting banded I lost 50 lbs easy. THan got pregnant, than had a bad accident that put me into rehab for ovr 8 months. That's 18 months of not dieting. But unlike my 1st pregnancy where I gained 50 lbs, I only gained 20 w/ the band which I readily lost after the pregnancy. And because I am horrible stress eater, I ate poorly the entire 8 months I was in rehab. I would equate it to preop eating but the trick was..I couldnt eat as much. Would you believe I didnt gain weight?!?!?! And in January when symptoms got better I decided it was time to start again and I lost another 50 lbs. There is no way I could have done it w/out the band. Even today, I have a +3lb rule. Where when I go easy on myself and eat more freely, I will go back to strict eating if I gain more than 3 lbs to maintain. It's harder to gain 3+ lbs as it was before and thus I find maintenance to be a cinch. This is how the band can help someone like you. I know that if I did not have the band, not only would I gain weight back readily, but I would find maintenance an impossibility long term. And that's how the band serves me. Just my personal take on it.

“Words are tears that have been written down. Tears are words that need to be shed. Without them, joy loses all its brilliance and sadness has no end.” Paulo Coelho Via Mary Jo Rapini’s Food Addiction Group Karen Askins Nov. 17, 2014 It all started out as another lie, not one intention to ever try- Once again I wanted an easy fix, because I was up to my usual tricks. I knew the words I needed to say, for her required signature to start me on the way- This time surgery would be the lucky charm, hopefully there would no lasting harm. She probably knew as well as I, that I was sick and would probably soon die- If I didn't get myself together, and start making me a whole lot healthier. I wanted to believe that it was only about food, not about everything that was affecting my mood- But she said I was eating to not deal with life’s pain, adding up yearly to a significant weight gain. I have always latched on to some current craze, the other surgeries, pills, diets, and starvation days-Maintenance was the problem that was never addressed, it would always come back quicker than I confessed. Just twelve steps, how hard could that be? I decided to try and just kind of see- So the first month I did as little as I could, of all the work I was told that I should. Step two was the first time I wrote in the book, I thought I'd write anything- who was going to look? What I found was not what had been expected, instead of a diet plan, it was like church resurrected. Higher Power this and surrender to that, what did that have to do with being so fat? Be of service, have faith, and listen to the call, meditation and prayer were suggested for all. What was the problem? I did all of that, lots of pretty feathers sitting in my hat- This would be a breeze once a month to meet, I could do this group and not miss a beat. The women there were all nice enough, but they had problems that were really tough- And then there was the tiny psychotherapist Mary Jo, what in the world could she possibly know? The irony of it all was that I already knew in my heart, the two words I resisted from the very start- After time was wasted denying the fact, I finally admitted that I was a Food Addict. That in itself was enough to make me blue, but there were also my legs and hands severely cramping every night like on cue- One doctor said vitamin deficiency, one RLS, and still another dehydration, all I knew was I couldn't take the horrible, all night sensation. The doctor had me try several medications- finally Flexeril, it would dull the pain, and he said, “As needed, just refill”- It didn’t get better on 10 mg. once a day, but he finally got it right when he said with 40 they’d go away. I didn’t hear any warnings about side effects, my other medications were not really checked- My mind became a blur and life started getting worse, I blamed everyone, God, and mainly the step study as my curse. For months I thought I was going to be like my grandmother, who had dementia worse than any other- She was functional one day and not lucid the next, that was me all because I didn't want my legs and hands to flex. When I could think straight, I was really on top of it, doing what I could to get my mind and body fit-But it was up and down around and back, my emotions were like a roller coaster track. I felt so depressed and couldn't always comprehend right, but I was sure that I still had pretty good insight- Still trying to believe it was a food issue and really wanting to win that battle, to try and not make every plate, fork, and spoon rattle. The “win” was bittersweet as my “perfect” life fell apart, and I hurt everyone I loved with all of my heart- There was no satisfaction with me as the boss, and my peace and happiness were at a complete loss. Beating myself up and causing more pain, literally drove me completely insane- It was all I could do to survive. I hated the way I was living; my husband kept saying that I was just barely existing. I was brought to my senses several times along the way, obviously though, I was still there to play- Panic attacks, totaling our truck, being paralyzed by fear, weren't even enough to see my way clear. I think I knew that the medicine wasn’t good but kept taking each prescribed dose, and it turned who I was into someone different, someone very gross- It made the original goal to deal with food addiction, a journey that was more like science fiction. Here I am in Mexico where I was forced to stay, mortified to wake up in basically a “detox unit” yesterday- Where everyone must have thought I was a long time street druggie, until they figured out it was a legitimate prescription written just for me. The doctor took away the Flexeril, allergy, asthma--all of my needed prescriptions, and the pain started back much to my aggravation- They brought in food- a lot of fattening Mexican stuff, and when I refused, the nurse threatened to get mean and tough. She gave me IV’s and a bottle of Ensure, and yelled, “You eat or you drink this!” as I tried to keep my composure- It was bad enough this mess I was in, no way was I going to eat that junk and screw up surgery once again. Doing last minute planning just two weeks before my son’s wedding I was forced to get aid, my family cried and yelled that I should I have known better, but mostly they prayed- And within 24 hours of passing out cold, my mind felt almost clear, and I had to get bold. With plenty of time here to sort it all through, I asked myself, “What in the world am I going to do?” Then there on the table left by my husband in plain view, was Mary Jo on Facebook clearly coming through. Yesterday, Sunday, Nov.16, her post spoke loudly and went straight to my heart, that is what made me decide I needed a fresh start- The picture screamed, “Be still- I’ve got this.” It was a message from God, and her added words stung like a lightning rod. She wrote what I knew but needed to hear, it was hard for me to swallow, but I gave her my ear- How could I ever have been so remiss? Her lecture ended with, “… trust God to be God, he’s got this- his promise.” I am pretty sure that I have been given a choice, self-destruct or stop and listen to His voice- It is now or never, and now is looking really good, for me to be honest and deal with what I should. All the fertility treatments, my children being my husband’s family blood and not mine, my mom’s death, my friend Barbara dying on Flight 77 on 9/11--all of that and more over time- To be strong for everyone else I always pushed away pain, and sucked down the food with no way to abstain. For several months I was crying most of the time and not actually comprehending what was making it so tough, but I think I kept trying to get through it because I was afraid of even more bad stuff- The confusion in my head sometimes made me think I wanted to die, but I had enough snap to question if I would get the chance to look God in the eye. So I read and studied when I could, but I would lose sight, I was in turmoil, and it was like I was in a life and death fight- To be truthful the cause wasn’t really food, nor 100% the medicine, and definitely not liquor, I know now the actual battle was over control between me and my creator. Realizing way too late that I am ready to begin, the opportunity of a lifetime that is quickly coming to an end- Wanting what I had started the step study for- a plan of action, to keep myself from eating even if it means being in traction. Mary Jo sent the answer to that and much more- what an idiot I have been, the wife, the mother, the one who everyone knew to be the “wonderful Christian”- Knowing much better, I had tried on my own to run the show, thinking I would eventually win- I guess like at a Las Vegas casino. She told us that she had felt God’s love. Not me, I went to Hell, but both had experiences we can surely tell- Grateful I didn’t make it my final destination, because I was given a chance for a needed transformation. Being as old as I am and with the “good life” I have led, no way should I have gotten so close to being dead- The truth is I did it to myself trying to go solo, sending life as I knew it down to practically zero. Mary Jo’s near death experience was a blessing to us all, she was sent back with a mission and accepted the call- To share God’s love, mercy, and grace, I can tell it’s authentic by the glow on her face. She told how it changed her own way of thinking, prayer, surrender, service, and love all linking- How she helps people and how she really cares, has inspired me to want to spend the rest of my life in His care. I feel that now I have a new purpose for which I must live, with love unconditional to receive and more for me to give- I have to let go and to be sure of my intention, and not just use this experience and God as a brief intervention. It's the gift of relearning what life is really all about, that the 12 step study journey gave me without a doubt- Something I never thought I would ever need, because I was always living “perfectly” I knew indeed. My inventories and amends were minor to compare, I needed a transplant or a full heart repair- May Jo said she pleaded with God not to send her away, but if He hadn’t, I would have never had this day. To know with 100% assurance, that I do have it in me for the endurance- It's really about how I used to live but more recently kept struggling to concede, the hardest thing for me was “the faith of a mustard seed.” The food addiction thing will be for all of my time, always aware of why I eat and on what I must dine- But that’s not the triumph of my battle when all is said and done, it is that I waved the white flag and allowed God back as number one. I am thankful from the bottom of my heart, for the group and Mary Jo’s words that guided me toward a new start- The path I took was awful to trudge for a year, but the journey gave me my wings and brand new flight gear. I took the long road with all the pot holes and detours, but I finally get it I know for sure- There is a sense of clarity and my mind is peacefully at rest, I am only going forward and will give it my best. The replay button has to go; it has to be left behind, in order to get through each new day with a clear, sane mind- I have done some stupid (mostly recently) things in my life, but the worst thing I did was cut God out with a knife. It is hard to believe that just a few days ago, I was so bitterly miserable from my head to my toe- Feeling horrible to be imprisoned that way, but now I am free, because I was reminded that there is a better life with the one who really cares for me. Strength and help for everyone else has always been there, but I never took time for myself to receive care- I don’t have all the answers nor can I say I’m not afraid, but I know I can trust that His loving hands on me are laid. I truly believe with all of my heart and soul, that our group was brought together each one with a role- Dana, Kathryn, Anita, and I came with one common thread, to learn to keep food from running our head. I learned a lot about them; sometimes more than I thought I needed to know, but God used them all to show me the way I should go- And that life is uncertain and forever changing, and that He is the only constant with love and forgiveness so amazing. Kathryn with her wit, humor, and wisdom to share, already knew there would be so much more for me there- She’s successfully been in recovery for an impressive amount of time, a real testament to me that being an addict is no crime. Anita Joy was given the perfect name, her face and her smile allude to why she came- To help bring that joy and light to the darkest place I could know, because she shares His love wherever she goes. Dana sat beside me just beautiful to see, ten years younger but way ahead of me- She shared her heart’s burden and taught me a lesson, about judgment and compassion sending me straight to confession. We were a small group. I’m sure there could have been more, but God’s plan was for there to be only four- Who would have guessed that the answer to managing an addiction to food, would be to relearn from all of them that God is so good? They never had a chance to know who I really was, since for more than half of our time together I was totally buzzed- They were too nice to say what my children and husband told, that for the definition of a fool I had broken the mold. I can’t believe I didn’t stop what was happening and see, the very thing many of my friends have asked for help for their loved ones from me- To steer them away from what could destroy their mind, the only difference was theirs were bought on the street and prescribed were my kind. I didn’t have an actual near-death experience, but as far as genuinely living, from that I was the farthest distance- The painful lesson I learned which I want to share with all, is that everything will fall into place, even managing a food addiction, when your life is lived listening to the Higher Power’s call. Writing this all down was for my often annoying, analytical brain, attempting to make sense of it all and understand that my suffering doesn’t have to have been in vain- It will be here to remind me just in case I ever forget, and going backwards suddenly becomes a major threat. I don't know what the future will bring, it’s too late now, but I wish from the beginning I had taken more advantage of this 12 step group thing- We are going to disband. Each one will go her way, but I will remember and thank God daily for them as I pray. I wish there was a way to make the ones like me who will come through this group understand from day one, that the only way they will conquer the food addiction thing is to give the program and their Higher Power their all even though it may not seem like much fun- Mary Jo, please tell them for me that whatever it is on their journey they may face, that their life is worth the fight and for them not to wait like I did to claim God’s marvelous grace.

I also have a struggle going on with my weight gain. I would also suggest talking with someone regarding your sleep issues. I also want you to know that is NEVER too late! I'm not giving up and you shouldn't either! It isn't going to be easy, none of this has been. I've lost, then I gained. I'm going to loose again and you can too. I need to do better at logging what I eat...no matter what it is...good or bad. I will write it down so I can see it and then make better choices, I hope. I am hoping the good eating habits will lead to better exercise and less stress. We can only give it our best and try and try and try.

I was. Sleeved in June 2013 and now I only weigh about once a month. I cannot deal with stalls or weight gain and this way it have not had any!