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Thank you both SO much for your responses. It helps me feel more settled about waiting to tell people. I can so relate to the " I have tried everything and if this fails ..." . I think there are so many of us who have failed repeatedly and even though there are tons of sucessed here I think I am going to be that ONE. I have a Mom who is very unsupportive in a supportive way. You know the type who sounds like she wants you to succeed but is really glad when you don't and can tell you so. I think I am going to be sticking around here where I get REAL support. THANKS A TON!!

I’d talk to your program and ask them. At least then you’ll know where you stand. I’m sure the stress isn’t helping either. Hopefully since your program didn’t tell you (you must maintain or lose X) they won’t have that requirement. One thing that was very helpful for me has been working with a psychologist if you aren’t already (bonus if they have experience with weight loss). I get therapy isn’t for everyone, but it has been helping me. Unsupportive family is enough of a reason … but you are going through major surgery and life changes, it can be a help in adjusting to all of that as well.

My only close family member (my sister) was completely unsupportive, and it actually seemed that she hoped I would fail. (I haven't.) I did have a spouse and a couple of close friends who were quite supportive, and I could rely on them when things got tough. However, they didn't really understand what I was going through (or even why I wanted surgery in the first place). I can tell you that this forum was an incredibly valuable source of support for me, both before and after my surgery. If you post here often, you will find a number of people who reply regularly and whose advice you can trust. As BetterMe said, don't worry about what others think. You know that you are doing this for yourself so that you can be healthy and not burdened by obesity in your daily life. Keep your eyes on the prize!

My family were not thrilled. I think their concerns are pretty reasonable. We watched my sister cheat and fail at wls just two years ago. My husband always takes the "whatever you need to be happy" approach. But, as surgery got closer he struggled to be supportive because of the significant inconvenience to him and our household. I work for my mother who was not for the idea. I invited her to the seminar and kept her in the loop as I made arrangements and positive changes to ensure my success. But she kept trying to talk me out of it up to a few days before. I've been recovering at her home since discharge 10/19 (sleeve 10/18). She's been amazingly supportive seeing how well I am doing. This isn't what others would choose for me or themselves, but I set the tone of what I expect from them. I am being open and honest with all my people about having wls. I feel it will keep me more accountable to succeeding. If I am successful there is nothing to be unsupportive of. Good luck! Sent from my iPad using the BariatricPal App

Had my 6 month follow up visit today. At my last visit, at 3 months, my surgeon made me feel very uncomfortable with how he was very flirty with me. After that visit, I was relieved to find out that my 6 month visit would be with someone else. Boy, how upsetting my visit was. I saw just an RN and she had the worst bedside manner ever! Nothing she said to me was encouraging. It was so bad that I totally wanted to walk out of the office and started giving very short answers to her questions. I'm supposed to have labs drawn right before my 9 month follow up, but I walked out of that office with out making another appointment. I refuse to go back to a place that doesn't make me feel comfortable and be seen by someone who has a very negative attitude towards me. I'm just going to do all my follow up care with my PCP since I have had absolutely no complications with this surgery. It is so frustrating to not feel comfortable in a doctors office when a person is going through as much change as anyone goes through during this process. I felt completely unsupported. I felt like I was being told to do things that although I know I should be doing it (drinking more water) it's just hard. She tells me that I am supposed to get 40 grams of protein per meal. How am I supposed to do that when I can only eat 2 ounces of food at a time? If I eat any more than that, it hurts badly. Oh, and no mention about how great I am doing at my weight loss even though I have lost 58 pounds in 6 months. Then, she tells me to up my exercising, like I am not doing enough. I used to do 4 days a week on the elliptical for 30 minutes. Now I do 3 days and spend 2 to 3 hours dancing on Saturday nights. Sorry for rambling, but I'm just fed up with this office and I hate being made to feel like I am not doing anything right when I try hard to do the right things.

Almost my entire family knows...because we have many get together's through the years...and eventually they'd find out. I'd rather they get it from the horses mouth, than people make up stories. Only had one cousin and his wife who were unsupportive....but I really don't need their support anyways. I've got support everywhere else! :car: At work (I'm a teacher), the kids know I had surgery, just don't know what kind of surgery. It's hard, because when I laugh, cough, or do something with my stomach...I automatically move my hand over my port. LOL That incision is what hurts the most. A few of my fellow teachers and administration know what happened....and that's because they are my friends

My mother used to say "Actions speak louder than words." So many times in my life I've had to fall back on that. My husband SAYS he supports me in this. But the truth of his actions say otherwise. He never went to any support group/informational seminars with me. The only doctor's appointment he went to was the one where I met the surgeon 3 days before surgery. He did take a week off of work to care for the house and kids post op, but I had to hear him grunt and groan about how frustrated he was. This week he brought a bag of chocolate bars in the house. Last week it was tubs of ice cream. He tells our mutual friends he's afraid I'll leave him after I lose weight. A couple of days ago he complained that my surgery is so inconvenient for him because I'm "5x more tired and 5x more b*tchy" plus he can't pick which restaurant we go eat at since I have had certain eating restrictions. I knew going into this I would be without a cheerleader, but now that I'm here post-op I could cry sometimes. I'm willing to rely on myself, but times like these, when he actually makes things more difficult I could just cry and cry. Worst thing is crying usually triggers bad headaches in me so I avoid it usually. I don't know why I'm confessing all this. Maybe because I just find out that a HUGE percentage of lap banders end up getting divorced. I don't know what anyone out there can do. Our marriage has never been a love story written in fairy tales. What we have works, but it's nothing inspirational. The "silver lining" in our marriage is that we have 2 wonderful and happy children and we are very solid parents. As parents we are a perfect match...as a couple...not so much. I've always believed strongly that marriage is like child rearing, it goes through stages and right about the time you figure something out the problems change. LOL That attitude has worked well for the 10 years we've been together. I don't want to end up a statistic. I read someone say that this experience like any other major life change can make strong marriages stronger, and weak ones weaker. But I've never classified myself as having either a strong or a weak marriage. Can anyone relate? Banded 2/23/07, 332 highest weight, 305 at surgery, 285 currently.

For all of you that think im "Unsupportive" you're wrong. I think whats being said is a little hazed. As you probably dont know, me and my girlfriend live about 4 hours apart, i live with my dad, and her with her parents. I've been trying to be as supportive as a person can while being 4 hours the person they're trying to support. I've joined this board to learn all i can about the procedure, and what happens next. I've been making sure that she's been preparing for her surgery, eating the right kinds of foods, has a good exercise plan for after she starts feeling up to being able to exercise. I know im not the greatest guy in the world, i have my defects. But im not some guy that just doesnt care either. I try to be supportave and attentive. I like to talk to her about her surgery, to make sure everything is ok, and that she feels ok about it. I dont want her to feel pressured into it because she might think i'll love her more as a skinnier person. But i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i'll love her in and shape or form. She's super hot, why would i want her to change? The only reason i want her to have the surgery is so she can live a fuller, healthier life. I'm not saying that i brought up the issue of getting a lapband, i just read up on it so i knew if it was a heavy risk. If it was i wouldnt have wanted her to do it. But it seemed pretty straight forward of how it went so i didnt see anything wrong with getting it, if it would make her happy. I try to make her happy everyday, i know that im not happy happy all the time, and i can get down sometimes because of all the stuff that happens with me. Like work, school, bills, and stuff like that. but i try to never take it out on her. The way that this conversation got started is that we were talking about me coming up there for her surgery. Well it turns out that her family is going down to her aunts (which is where her family picks me up from be cause her aunts house is halfway from my house to her house) and then go to her house. But the thing was that her mom and dad were coming down there on a friday, and i wasnt going to be able to take off of work until the following sunday. Then we talked for a little bit, and she was worried that i might not be able to come there. And she said i could just go all the way there instead of going to her aunts house, which was fine by me, but i still had to ask my dad. The thing that threw me off was when she said "i cant, and i wont let you getting here or not getting here stress me out before im about to go into surgery" And i didnt mean to get her stressed about that. I told her that i've been stressed, and she asked me what about, and i listed the problems that i was having, with work and everything else which was listed above. Thats how the conversation got started. Its not that i was unsupportive it was that the comment made me think that she didnt care if i was there or not. which made me feel bad, but now i know thats not the case. We've since then made up, or so i think lol. I love her more then anything, and i'll support her through anything, and i'll be there by her side through anything. She is the beautifulest girl i've ever known, inside and out, and it would be an act of blasphemy to let such and angel out of my life.

Thanks, that wasn't opinion, it's a fact. I personally know of a well respected pharm that was closed due largely in part to the effects of Obamacare, but good for you for defending it. I am not one to spew unsupported opinions. I also know several people who have to use Obamacare due to employers not offering insurance, and ALL of them (even the obama supporters) say it is crap insurance. Maybe it needs time to iron out the defects. Personally, I wouldn't purchase it, defects or no defects. I am blessed with amazing insurance. Healthcare cost is ridiculous in and of itself.

Welcome to this wonderful, crazy and yes, sometimes frustrating ride! You will find a lot of great advice and support on this forum - although, it may not always be what you want to hear. That tough advice is often the best though. For your own peace of mind - choose very carefully who you tell about your plans for surgery. Most people, unless they have had or at least researched the surgery themselves, know very little but think they know everything and can be very judgemental about. And even more, just don't understand the concept at all and may not mean to be unsupportive but if they've never struggled with weight themselves, don't get that it isn't as easy as "going on a diet". And you will most likely hear from those types that you are taking the "easy way out" - which just shows their ignorance because there is nothing easy about undergoing surgery and having to completely change your relationship with food. Check with your insurance company now regarding their policy for weightloss surgery and ask for it in writing. They should be able to clearly tell you if THEY require any sort of medically supervised period prior to approving you for weightloss. Some don't require any, some require 3 months and some (like mine) require 6 months. If you do have a 6 month period - don't get discouraged. It will go by MUCH MUCH faster than you think! I'm actually thankful I had that 6 months to prepare. It gave me time to get all the pre-op testing done (and don't worry if one test comes back with a result that requires additional testing) and more importantly do my own research and fully prepare mentally for this. It also gave me a chance to work on changing my eating and starting to practice a healthier lifestyle prior to surgery. This gradual change in eating/exercise helped tremendously with my initial recovery from surgery. Best of luck to you and keep us updated on your journey!

Ok so here is my situation... I have a infection. I am 17days post op. When I went to my 1 wk apt I saw my doc partner. My incision was oozing a little at the time green and his partner who saw me said its normal and incsions can ooze for months after surgery. I told him I did not feel comfortable and maybe I should be on antibiotics,,and he told me not to worry about it. Since then its gotten much worst, I think its getting better and then its not. It is now still oozing green crap (non-smelly) and it looks like the stitches ( I was glued) I did not have (no stitches) opened up at the top. ITs about the size of a pinto bean. ITs about the width of a bean and I was telling my unsupportive (he thinks its fine) DH that i will have a crater scar when its healed. I did make another Doc apt last Wed but by then I had a scab and it seemed to be healing.. thurs the scab burst with Green puss... Thurs I called my friend who is a nurse said that Antio-biotics is a good idea and if I had any in my cabinet to take Keflex. I have done this since Thursday night and didn't see a huge difference Friday. Its now Sat and it looked ok, a scar was formed, it was wet in the middle... while dressing I lightly put a cloth over the incision so my clothing wouldn't run it and the scab got removed,,,, what do I do.,,, I feel like I cant win and I dont want my doctor to chastise me for wasting his time, or yell at me for coming sooner..., I feel as if Im not going to win no matter what I do,,, shouldnt I be improving being on antibiotics? :biggrin: thanks for your time,,,,

Good day. I hope it's okay to post here. My husband is going to have gastric sleeve surgery on April 9th. Are there any forums for spouses? I'm on board with the surgery, but would like to talk to others who are spouses/partners and how they are dealing with the surgery. I'm thin (always have been) and very active. I look forward to my husband getting healthier and being able to do physical activities with me. I want to be as supportive as possible. That said, I have to admit I'm going to miss our weekly dinners out and such. I wondered how others dealt with the new "normal". Good luck to everyone and thank you in advance for any help you can provide. PS: I wanted to cry reading the posts about unsupportive spouses. I hope you find a good support system.

So I live with one of my coworkers - had reservations about it, but it was just the best option financially as we we're both mid-twenties and not "settled down." I didn't tell her or anyone else that I was planning to get surgery, just said I was going on vacation to Mexico. Explained away my pre-op diet by saying I wanted to lose some pounds before going. Unfortunately, there's a lot of crossover between my job and my social life, and it got really hard having to avoid situations with food and alcohol, worrying that everyone wondered what was wrong. Also I did have to tell my roommate after getting back, and I felt guilty thinking that she'd have to lie if anyone asked her what was up with me. It's a tiny office and yesterday our boss was out, so I decided to tell my supervisor. I say "supervisor" but she's only a few years older than me and we hang out socially, so it's really just a title. Anyway, I tried to bravely tell the story with a smile on my face, and was all ready to explain how I didn't mean to be secretive, just needed some time to get used to things before I started telling people. I never even got the chance - she blew through a few judgmental questions ("Did you go to a really reputable clinic or something?" Ummm, NO, I just had it done in a rusty van behind a 7-11! I mean what kind of question is that?!) and then insisted that the reason I was tired at the end of the day was not that I'm recovering from surgery but that I'm starving myself and not getting enough nutrients. When I tried to explain that I actually have seen a nutritionist and there are plenty of ways to make sure I stay healthy, she just ignored it. On top on it, my roommate starting piping in saying she'd "never seen me eat anything" since I got back. I've had Jell-o, Protein shakes, Soups, yogurt, etc. all in front of her!!!!! It was so unsupportive and just ended up feeling like a humiliating ambush. I didn't even get a chance to finish before they just changed the subject and I pretty much just slunk away. I already forgive them - they haven't done the research I have and I can't expect them to understand. It just made me feel awful, and now they will go and tell people what a "crazy" thing I did. I never should have said anything, it wasn't their business to begin with. It's just really hard to keep up a lie, and I thought I'd be saving myself trouble. Might I add that I got this lecture while they sat there drinking soda and stuffing their faces with brownies! Like that's so "healthy and nutritious"!!!!

I'd like to mention that if the Dr. puts you on a liquid diet and you follow it/lose weight, the weight you were previous will not count as starting BMI for insurance. I don't know if you are self-pay or not, but I would be worried that I may lose weight in an unsustainable way and then end up gaining it all back again. I would find out the absolute specifics on your insurance policy and then call around to center of excellence bariatric practices and get scheduled. Also, I did decide to switch my primary care Dr when I decided on WLS because the one I had been seeing had always seemed so unsupportive and BORED when I talked to her about my weight problems. If you feel you need to switch Dr's, do it! I actually found my new Dr by asking the receptionist at the weight loss practice if there was someone she could recommend.

I'm 25 and told my immediate family and told them it was okay to tell people. My mom is very close with my grandmother, and my grandmother is a chatterbox. As soon as my mom told her, my entire family knew. Like one day after she told her, I was getting messages from my cousins about it. Everyone has been really supportive. I haven't heard/seen everyone in my extended family yet, but I have a feeling they will all be happy for me. The classmates I have told in school all seem really happy for me. I just told another one of them the other day and he said that he knew I had lost a lot but wasn't sure if he should say anything - but that he was really happy for me. That was nice to hear. The only person that hasn't seemed as supportive is one teacher. I hadn't originally planned on telling her, just wanted to make her aware that I am 7 weeks post op from a GI surgery and she asked what and I told her and it was hard to gauge her reaction since I don't really know her. Either way, now she knows in case of emergency, so whatever. Oh, now that I think about it one of my friends was very unsupportive pre-op. I told him that I was doing it for my health and I appreciated his input, but that I would still be going through with it. And post-op I can tell you for sure anyone who says it's the easy way out (I got that a couple times) has NO clue what it's like =p I think it's easier to let it get through the grapevine than tell everyone up front - that way they know and if it comes up it does and if not then it doesn't really matter. I'm glad I told people, because eventually they will notice anyway and this way I've already dealt with the question of how I lost it. If they don't like it or disagree, that's fine,

One of my instructors recently repeated some old wise wisdom to our class: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! That's why (in a nutshell) a lot of us end up going this route. The old way wasn't working. It works for some people and that's great, but the statistics do show that 95% of people who lose a significant amount of weight regain it all. In the end I just didn't have the energy to do it anymore, and I didn't want the toll it would take on my body to keep that up any longer. But, all that said, there are some common reasons that spouses seem unsupportive or even angry over our WLS. The most common one, I think, is that they are scared that something will happen to us in surgery. Others include: afraid you will leave them after you lose weight they have their own weight (or other) problems that they might have to face they enjoyed eating together the way you always have, and don't want that to change they didn't know what to say to be supportive they don't want you to think they didn't love you when you were fat they don't know what will change about your future life together they don't want the surgery to fail and see you disappointed I'm sure there are lots of others, but those are the ones I've seen the most. My husband went through most of them too. Once I got through surgery without any problems, he was great. And he's been extremely supportive, especially since he's seen how my life and my health have improved so much since I've lost weight. There is a lot of insecurity and fear. The only thing to do is talk to him and try to make him see why you are doing this (for yourself and for those you love) and just wait it out. He'll come around when he sees you are healthier and you are still there. It's hard, though. Good luck, keep coming here for support in the meanwhile, and try to help him through this. He's going through the surgery as much as you are, it will affect him almost as much, so just remember that. And if it's something that would benefit him too, later, maybe he'll make that choice when he sees it work for you!

The first doctor I went to became completely unsupportive when his office found out that my UHC policy requires a BMI of 40+. I have a BMI of 37 with two co-morbidities so I know I will eventually be able to get approved. Even my HR department just said "send in a letter of medical necessity and it will go through." So anyway, I'm hoping to find a Dr. whose office staff is ready for a little fight and doesn't panic when things aren't going to go super easy!! I've read good things about Dr. Ferrari on another site, but haven't seen too much about him on here and I have come to really trust/appreciate everyone's opinions on here! Any info would be appreciated. Thanks!

Not to be a big downer, but I have to add this. When I told my bro in law (a doctor) that I was having wls he was very unsupportive. He really pressed me on the complications. About a month after my surgery he told me why. He knew 2 nurses who had the surgery that died. One from infection a week post surgery, and the other died on the table. I tell you this only to reenforce that it is still abdominal surgery, with all the risks that go with it. Would it have changed my mind had I known that, probably not- I did it because I had 100 lbs to lose, and my body did not like my weight (hbp, cholesterol). If I had 50 to lose I might have looked a little more carefully about other solutions. I say this not to discourage you, but so you are informed. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Wow. There are posts on here all the time about unsupportive spouses that do everything possible to make this journey difficult or impossible. It sounds like he is trying to be supportive to me. At least he cares, you know?

My theory as to why people who have had other types of WLS are unsupportive is that they probably don't want to feel like their decision to have the type of surgery they did was perhaps the wrong choice. After all the information people sift through to make a decision on the type of surgery to have, they don't want to be made to feel like their choice may have been incorrect. I know it sounds odd, but when they have had success with 1 type - that seems to be the one that they will say works the best. Not necessarily true, it just worked for them. Let's face it, there are different types of WLS for different types of situations. If I had been honest, gastric bypass would have been probably the most logical choice for me given the type of eater I was, BUT, that being said, one thing that the Lap Band has done for me is CHANGE the way I eat and what I eat...something that gastric bypass may not have done. With gastric bypass, I don't think I would have changed my eating habits after the "honeymoon" period of being able to lose weight effortlessly and would have piled it right back on. I feel with the Lap Band, it has changed the way I eat, what I eat, and how I eat in a positive way. Will I stray from time to time, oh yes, I'm sure. That's my nature. And when I have, I've been able to reign it in, I don't gain as much as I would have without it, and I'm able to jump right back following the band rules immediately. I'm only 10 months out, still a relative newbie, but the Lap Band has taught me many things that the physicians and the literature don't tell you. They don't tell you that the band will change your mindset, but in my case, it was the tool that has allowed me to eat anything in moderation and be satisfied, and by being able to do that, has helped me overcome many of my food issues. All types of WLS have their purpose. It's just figuring out which one is right for you.

When were you banded? I was having similar frustrations last month because I went in and complained how I was able to eat like I did before surgery, and I had even gained some weight back. The PAC told me she wanted me to learn to eat properly, and that she would only give me .5cc. I was floored! I had a follow up with a NP from the weight management center (the same center we have to go to for our pre-surgical education), and I told her how I felt very unsupported, and that it was as if I was being punished. She said that at the end of the day, we are just as much a consumer as we are a patient, and that if the band is not working, we need to speak up and ask to either have another fill, or if the doctor is not agreeable, to ask to see if the band has slipped or has a leak that is causing us not to feel anything. Hope this helps!

tell them to mind their own damn business.... tell them until they have walk in your shoes, they need to shut the hell up. This is NOT about them, this is about you and ONLY you..... When they start talking crap... look at them and say, i didn't ask for your permission and until i do, i would ask that you keep your opinion to yourself. You've got two types of unsupportive people..... The "Normal" size people. These are the ones that have never had a weight problem. Can eat anything and never gain weight. these are also the ones that say.... Just try to diet and exercise. Well if it were that easy, everyone would be "normal". But wait... There day is coming... one day their metabolism will start to slow and Chump... karma takes a bite out of their Butts. They tell you that .... you need to lose weight for your health... (insert winey voice) "i want you to be healthy"... but in reality, they don't. They want you to stay fat, they want to be the "skinny" person in the group.... If you lose weight you become competition too them... They sit in front of you with their plate of cheese fries covered with brown gravy and smile... SOB's... in my mind i'm thinking.... I hope you choke on that fry... Yes i do miss fries...can you tell... lol "the fat friend".... These are the people you hang out with that are also Fat. They for damn sure don't want you too lose weight.... who will they be fat with? who will go out to eat with them? Lets' face facts.... We (fat people) run in herds... lol. Why? misery loves company. If i'm going to be fat, then so are the people i hang with.... If you lose weight, then you are betraying the friendship. They will call you up and say.... Hey, lets go to dinner... lets go get Ice cream... You have done so good with your weight loss .. YOU DESERVE A TREAT.... that's how they get you to stay fat with them.... beware of these people. I found my most supportive person.. was my brother. Not my husband, not my friends, not co-workers.... So find that person that encourages you to be a better person. One one or two that say... lets go to the gym, not.. lets get ice cream... the person that say, You are doing a great job... not the person that says.... How much more weight do you intend to lose, cuz your looking too skinny.... I know i'm rambling .... But remember in the end.... This is your choice, your life and you are the only person responsible for you.... not anyone else... They are not going to do your dieing for you..... You have all of us here and we are here for you...

While most of us will think of your roommate as bitchy, jealous, and unsupportive, she is correct. It depends on how she said it I guess. But at any rate, it is a good idea to look into therapy, a support group, or just some soul searching and self realization if you can't do therapy for insurance or $ reasons. Do some reading on self esteem and self worth. You can find a lot online. But this journey is definitely an emotional, mental, and physical one. I am hoping by working on all of it, that it will decrease my chances of weight regain later.

What really matters in this scenario is what is right for you. You are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, and it is totally your choice to share or not to share such personal information. I am scheduled for VSG on 9/15 in TJ, and only my parents, my son, and my brother know about it. I have yet to tell any of my friends. I may or may not after the procedure, i just haven't decided what i want to do. It has nothing to do with feeling unsupported or being concerned about others reactions. It just a very personal decision that i made after a very long period of consideration, and i still have my own feelings to sort out. For me, right now, i need to look after my own emotions, deal with the major changes ahead for me, and even though i am very secure in my decision to do this, i am still feeling a little overwhelmed by all of it. I don't really want to add the extra emotional energy, good or bad, to my plate right now. You can be honest with your friend and tell her that you're worn out after your trip and would like to pick up the next week. The definition of friendship does not include a "share all" clause, and a true friend who really loves you would understand your need to do what is best for you. Good luck and i hope you are doing well!

I've been very emotional lately and when I started all my Pre-Op appointments and planned the surgery it seemed like the perfect timing to do so I had just turned 30 and my health was horrible my diabetes was unmanagable, my high blood pressure was out of control and my depression was at an all time low and this surgery gave me hope for a healtier better future but the past couple months have been super rough and my stress level is off the charts, having to deal with an unsupportive husband, an out of control teen son and a 7yr old son with type 1 diabetes,sometimes makes me question myself " am I making the right choice, is this the right time?" are these feelings normal or is feeling guilty something that everyone goes through on some level?