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My last appointment in 2019 the dietitian basically told me if she had been the one to talk to me and give a yes or no as a candidate she would of said no to me. Why? Because I am fussy and I don't like fish. My blood work was good. I was around 170 pounds to which I was told I am losing too much and I should of tapered off by then and been in maintenance. When I left there I felt very frustrated as I was a slow loser and maybe that was the goal they had set for me, but mine was lower. Anyway, she put me on an emergency list to go back in January to talk to her again so they could check on me. It's an hour drive and $20 to park. When I left there I tried more suggestions of what else to add to my diet and found that I was eating when I wasn't hungry, I was pushing myself to eat more than I wanted and more often than not I suffered for hours after eating. I did this for about 2 weeks and then went back to how I was doing it before.

Now they've been calling since January trying to book an appointment and I keep giving excuses as to why I can't go. They called each month and now because of covid-19 they are willing to do phone appointments so I agreed. I told the dietitian about my previous experience and how it wasn't helpful. When I told her I was down to 145 on my scale she told me that once again I would be put on the emergency list as it more than a year later and I shouldn't be losing anymore weight and if I continued to do so I would likely be a failure and gain it all back. Hopefully the next one is over the phone also and I will just tell them what they want to hear. I will tell them I gained 10 pounds and I eat fish every other day and all the other stuff they say I need to eat.

And like the last time for a couple weeks I tried to incorporate more food and more calories, and once again I suffer, I am so full I feel sick. I need to spend sometimes hours after laying down. Sometimes I pace in the bathroom because I am so close to throwing up. I haven't had to take gravol much over the course of my journey but after those two appointments they were becoming vital in my survival. Plus I was gaining weight, quickly. So here I am again, back to the way I was doing that feels right for me.

I just don't understand why they are pushing for me to eat when I am not hungry... that's what got me to the weight I was once was, that's a bad habit. If I feel hungry I eat. I eat 3 meals a day and 2 to 3 snacks. I hit my protein goals. I drink more than enough water. I take my vitamins and supplements. My weight goes up and and down within 5 pounds. I don't understand their concern to keep me as an emergency patient that needs to be so closely monitored. I am not underweight, I am not malnourished, in fact I am still overweight. 

Am wondering if anyone else has had this issue with the dietitians afterward? It's very frustrating and I am close to saying good bye to them because they make me doubt myself and I think I am doing well. I want to go as low as I can go, not unhealthy low, but low enough that when I hit the stage where I ultimately gain some back, the lower I am the lower I will after that happens. If I end up at 140-150 I would be content with that. I will not be content with with 180.