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I have been thinking a lot lately about all the habits in my life that in a way aided my food addiction and really bad eating habits. Now obviously the ultimate activity was eating for the joy of eating but now that I think about it, there are a lot of activities that I participate in that were in a way always affecting my eating habits. So I decided to make this post in order to list those activities and remember. In a way this is just a personal way to gauge what activities are bad for my new lifestyle as well as to keep in mind that I did pair these activities with food so that in the future when I do participate in them, I have that mental note. Can anyone else think of any activities that were partnered with excessive eating and in general a sedentary lifestyle? For me the primary ones were: 1. Video games. There were days were I would sit for HOURS and play online video games on my computer chair. In the mean time I would order large amounts of take out twice. Once for lunch, once for dinner. Sometimes I would also snack in between. Pair this with sitting in a chair all day, I started packing on pounds. 2. Same routine as video games but with TV and movies. I cannot watch TV or a movie without eating something. Popcorn, dinner, Snacks, beer, large coke. All kinds of unhealthy stuff. Now I am trying to re-train myself to not watch TV while I eat. 3. Pub crawling, going out excessively in the evenings with friends. Now this is an activity that almost everyone partakes in to some extent. Going out is just a natural social process but it was what I associated going out with which was damaging. VERY heavy drinking, decadent dinners, midnight mcdonald and snack runs. Typical college lifestyle only supercharged and would happen at least 3 times a week and included LOTS of eating. 4. I know I kind of mentioned this in my other post but drinking beer/alcohol EXTREMELY often. I lived in Montreal for a while, big drinking city, big college city. People in Montreal LOVE to drink. 2 beers with lunch, 5-7 happy hours, long nights of binge drinking. Buying packs upon packs of beer any and every time you went to a friend's house. It was very rare that there would be an occasion without drinks. As of now, after my weight loss surgery, this is something that I will hugely reform. I will not partake in 95 percent of the drinking that I used to anymore. Anyone have any they would like to share?

@@Missthugpassion That's probably a good idea. Regardless of WLS, you shouldn't feel you need alcohol to deal with your grief. But believe me, I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. My younger brother died unexpectedly 4 years ago and I was miserable with grief. I tried to dull my pain with food and alcohol.....drank every single day for over a year and a half. Unfortunately it didn't help. All I succeeded in doing was gain 40 pounds. It wasn't until I stopped drinking and actually faced my grief that I was able to start to heal. I am by no means OK even now, but looking back I see I really stunted my ability to move on by not letting myself feel. Now fast forward to 16 months after my VSG. My best friend committed suicide. The grief, anger, guilt and depression has been overwhelming. I go through the motions of living but it's all through a haze of my constant thoughts of him. 6 months later and I feel just as awful as the day it happened (probably worse since at least I had shock on my side at that point). But I learned from my brother that food and alcohol would not make anything better. Honestly I don't know what will, but I just know I can't fall back into that incredibly destructive, ineffective behavior. I have attended grief counseling and suicide seminars, but one website has actually been quite useful...... Www.recover-from-grief.com. It has a lot of good ideas and information. I am by no means close to "recovered", but at least I know I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. i'm so sorry for what you are struggling with, but know you are not alone.

I'm getting mine on the 17th. I'm so disappointed on myself. I cheated yesterday with alcohol on my pre op diet

I did not have and have not sought any mental health support. Everything I know about postop life has been "self-taught" from books, on line resources and talking to friends that have had WLS. I haven't felt any need for formal, professional support. At only 2 years postop I guess I'm still kind of a newbie, but I have passed goal, maintained for over a year and haven't had any problems adjusting to this new life. Success is just something I was committed to and mentally prepared for when I decided to have surgery. Even with the death of two of my dogs, the suicide of my best friend, and a cancer diagnoses for another good friend, I've managed to stay away from my previous food and alcohol laden coping methods. Life is hard no matter what size I am, but it's no longer all about food.

It will hit you much harder, yes, but the primary reason surgeons don't want their patients drinking for a year or longer is because we are very vulnerable to transfer addictions right now. Someone with alcoholic tendencies can easily be pushed into full on alcoholism if they use it to soothe themselves during this crucial time while we are learning to give up food. So I guess my thoughts are that if you want 1 drink and you are sure you can have that one drink and be happy with it, then by all means, have fun. If you worry that it could become a problem for you or if it has been in the past, maybe give it some more consideration. It would be so sad to go through all this hard work just to develop an addiction and have your life fall apart because of it.

@@shadowsoldier I don't want to sound negative here and by all means you should listen to your doctor but you have to keep in mind your insides are going to take about 4 months to heal. The reason we're told (we were handed books telling us specifically what to eat at Mayo) to follow the different stages of liquids, purees, soft, etc. is because the opening from our new pouch to our newly connected intestine is the size of our pinkie finger nail. It has to be slowly stretched by this process. That's why it's also very important not to stay in the liquid stage longer because of fear of discomfort. Protein is driven home constantly and it is of the utmost importance. It will continue to be the rest of our lives. Day 2 being home from the hospital I was getting in my 60 grams and today at almost 7 months post-op, I'm averaging 130 grams of protein. It can be done but I am able to do it by supplementing my diet with Protein2o Water (dual liquid in my book) and by using Premier Protein ready-made shakes as coffee creamer, milk substitute in recipes, etc. Give them a try but no matter what get your protein in! Here's something else that helped me that I read at bariatriceating.com: Sew what? In terms of food, you must stick to your surgeons program for post op food stages. You need time to allow the tiny pouch cut and sewn from the fabric of your giant floppy stomach to heal itself closed. We have all glued something only to have the seams pop open. The liquid and soft food stages are to avoid stressing pouch seams and give your stomach a break from the process of digestion. Is ice cream a puree? Sirloin steak is not a soft food. Ice cream is NOT a puree. You can’t eat popcorn, raw carrots or celery ten days after surgery. People ask if we think they could have a pork chop, we say ‘no’, they eat it anyhow, then tell us ‘they didn’t have a problem’. No alcohol for a year… non negotiable… but people push back saying their surgeon said five weeks was okay. Folks… we know better and we are trying to help you. General Tso? NOT your friend The post op dietary stages are not a suggestion, they are a requirement for you own safety. You cannot eat Chinese food the week after surgery because you ‘chew it well’. A ‘craving’ for Orange chicken landed one support group member in the hospital! It’s a very bad idea to push. Being ‘released’ to ‘regular food’ does not mean what you think it does, but you already know that. How long until you can have pizza again? “Pizza is not a food for someone having obesity surgery.” (that’s a quote from Dr. N on My 600 lb Life) Every single week in our support group, these actions land new post ops in the hospital. Sip sip sip sip sip… If you had a back injury, you would not tile your kitchen floor the same week. Yet, people think nothing of making a trip to a theme park when they should be at home resting and taking in fluids. People ask us ‘Do you think I would be able to go on a cruise two weeks after my sleeve?’ (Nooooo!) As high as 30% of post ops are dehydrated enough to land back in the hospital with a Fluid IV. Not drinking enough water after surgery can cause heart damage. Dehydration is the most common bariatric complication, yet it’s largely avoidable. Stay home and heal… drink hot water, cold water, broth, Diet Snapple, herbal tea, eat sf ice pops and Jello. (We have a free bariatric water app called HY, click for GetHyApp.com) What’s eating you? If eating is a compulsion that you cannot control, ask your surgeon to suggest someone for you to talk to. A therapist can help you come to conclusions about your life – you talk, they listen and even after one chat you’ll often have a clearer truth of why you use eating as comfort. Knowing what drives you can help you deal with your eating issues to better work with your surgery. Vitamins are critical It is impossible for you to have your stomach surgically removed or reconfigured and take in the nutrients needed to run your body. While your surgeons group has mentioned Flintstones, that is so you will possibly take something instead of being one of the 67% of post ops who take nothing. They are not optimal and won’t prevent long term problems like broken bones from simple falls and losing teeth, but may keep you from dying in the short term. The idea behind supplements is to prevent issues from grabbing you in twenty years when it’s too late to change the path. Take them! Protein from food? What a novel idea! Yes, yes, yes, we’d all like to get our protein from food and that’s what you want to hear. However, if you are unable to take in 70 grams of protein per day, you can either weaken and lose your hair or you can figure out another way until you are able to learn and eat the right foods. Protein drinks make up the difference between what you can eat and what you need. They are not simply a tasty beverage for your enjoyment for you to be all picky and ridiculous over. They are the antidote for your disease of morbid obesity. Morbid means death and obesity surgery only slows and reverses the disease IF you follow your plan. Please wake up get very serious about what you have done to your body. There are obvious rewards to losing 150 pounds, but it does not need take place at the expense of your life. Peace.

I had my surgery 4th October 2014 and I have just lost 92 pounds I felt like a failure but I knew I was not doing what I was told to do. I stopped exercising drinking a lot of alcohol eating badly not that I could eat a lot anyway and stalled for a while. I see people who had surgery the same time as me losing over 100 pounds so I PICKED MYSELF UP DUSTED MYSELF OFF AND STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN. I went back to walking stopped drinking taking my meds and I lost 13.2 pounds in a month still eating carbs. Don't worry don't be discouraged just go on your journey at your own pace. THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN CHANGE THIS SITUATION IS YOU!!!!!!!

All the surgeons I have met have said no alcohol. Ideally ever.

I spent some time last Halloween weekend with a friend of mine that absolutely loves Vodka. She made me a small drink that consisted of vodka and some kind of juice. I can tell you it hit me hard really, really fast...as in within about 5-10 minutes after drinking it. But I also came down from the buzz fairly quickly as well...maybe 30 minutes after the drink. I've always been a bit of a light weight though since I very rarely drink alcohol.

mine told me to wait a year before drinking any alcohol. But evidently surgeons must have different opinions on this...

oldmike, Good questions. It’s always good to ask about everything that’s worrying you before you go in for surgery! I’ve always loved a good barbecue, including the food and the occasion, although I’m not (and never was) as crazy about it as some people. With the band, I can have pretty much everything I want, but I make sure to keep it in moderation, especially if I drink a little because that makes me less able to monitor portions. As you know, the sleeve’s a different animal. It messes with your alcohol metabolism so your blood alcohol shoots up faster with less alcohol than it used to. The lap-band doesn’t affect absorption, so you haven’t yet experienced that change in absorption and increased sensitivity. You should still be able to have meat and fish and all the other likely things you’d barbecue, it’ll just take a while to get there since you’ll have to get through your liquid and pureed and semi-soft diets before you can have meat off the grill. That said, as some of the members have said, you’ll probably eventually be able to enjoy your meat and red wine again, just less of it. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

I guess I have carbonation too, but it is mostly in the form of soda Water... with a little lime and perhaps vodka to dilute the bubbles. oops, should I admit that? Actually, I am a social drinker, I have mentioned that before. Be really careful fellow sleevers as a "dab will do ya" when it comes to alcohol. I go to happy hour with my girlfriends a couple times a month and we all order the same drink (see above) in a very tall glass. All that was inspired by me trying to find the lowest carb/lowest calorie drink that you could still suck down and feel like you've drunk something! Actually, every once in awhile I have a diet root beer. When I was obese, I didn't drink root beer, but somehow now it is this over the top sweet delight that makes me feel like I have had something really really decadent. I dunno, I am far enough out from my original surgery that I think my tummy is my mature size. I don't worry too much about it - I just try to eat small. I do get hunger, but normal humans experience hunger. I feel like that is what I experience now compared to the overwhelming drive to eat - constant hunger I used to have. I can honestly say, the sleeve has for me lived up to all the hype.

While I happen to agree with the anti cheating sentiments most others expressed, I also think the OP does too. Or else why would she bring it up as a problem? The way I read this, she doesn't like how she behaved toward her husband - but that is ended/ending; she finds a new relationship and is repeating the pattern. Once again, the way it was written was not clear, but I think she was asking if others have found themselves behaving "badly" after losing alot of weight. I am a believer that obesity often shields us from very complex emotions. Not overeating, obesity itself. Example - It is well known that many obese women have a history of sexual abuse (not saying this applies to OP, just the topic itself) and the fatsuit protects from outsiders, as well as from our own internal shame/desire type motives. It is also well known that sexual abuse of children can create emotional and behavioral and even personality disorder issues later in life. When people lose alot of weight - hidden demons so to speak can emerge. If you thought you worked this stuff out as a youth, you might be surprised that underlying emotional issues rise out of the victory of the weight loss. I know someone who went from a seemingly normal work colleague, wife, mother etc to dying in her sleep, after having left her family, due to organ failure post gastric bypass/massive weight loss. She had become a very very serious alcoholic (and other very very high risk behavior, lost her job etc etc) and as a type 1 diabetic, her organs gave out faster than most. We can say what people "should and shouldn't do" but truth is they might be really struggling. Being bashed here just adds to the general feeling that the world is not a safe place for them. Personally, I think (going back to OP) it is way too soon for her to even know WHAT she seeks. Maybe a poly lifestyle is a good choice, but a person needs to be pretty internally stable, pretty self aware, pretty centered to take on alot of that kind of stuff - in my opinion. Goes back to what is it you really want and is the current behavior getting you there? I bet there are alot of people on this forum that could ask themselves that question - not necessarily about sexuality, but about how they are living their lives. I realize that not everyone who has WLS has so much buried deep and maybe don't relate that well to the huge emotional turmoil but doesn't mean it isn't real. For me, it was anxiety that came up - not when I experienced "eating less" but it showed up when I got to a normal size - who knew???. It has been quite a journey to come to grips with it and to understand that it has always been there. I think that facing those sorts of things help us prevent regain because I gotta tell you, sometimes the inner self asks the question "weren't you happier when you were comfortably numb????" well, no I wasn't, but it is a valid question. I should probably start a separate thread before I go to much deeper on this topic.

I've seen that alcohol now affects me more than it used to (I'm nearly 15 months post-op). Now when I drink in social settings I do drink much more slowly and, consequently, not as much as I used to. Also, drinking wine (with no food) does increase my stomach acidity.

Unfortunately alcohol does not affect me differently....I can still out drink a football team. I was actually looking forward to being a cheap date. The only change is that now I get gastritis and have to take an antacid if I drink too much and I don't really feel like the little buzz I get is worth all the calories so I might have a drink maybe once or twice/month. I was a "cocktail every day after work and drink all weekend" person prior to VSG.

So I just had one single 5% ABV hard cider that totally knocked me on my ass ????. I got sleeved 4 months ago and I keep forgetting how quickly a little bit of alcohol will affect me. Not to mention that, since I've dropped 50 pounds now, my tolerance is a lot lower. And the sleeve makes the alcohol get into my bloodstream so easily. It's nice to be a cheap date and avoid the extra calories I used to consume by drinking a lot, but it still surprises me sometimes. How does everyone else deal with drinking post-sleeve?

I wanted to add: Based on your mention of a family history of addiction. Have you ever considered exploring 12-step recovery? You might want to consider visiting some meetings of a recovery group like OA (for compulsive eaters), CODA (for Codependents), or Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics/substance abusers). A support group like one of these and/or a bariatric support group may help you to learn some new coping skills. This might be something to talk to your therapist about.

Hi there, I guess it's true that Time flies when you're having fun; I've been having a lot of that. Honestly, I cannot believe that two years ago today I was waking up from surgery and beginning a new chapter in my life. I had no idea then of the many ways my life would be reshaped aside from the shape of my body. I'm forever grateful the band was available to me as it has been the perfect choice for my situation. We are all different. I was 52 at the time and had never been an overnight patient in a hospital before. I can barely tolerate going to the dentist. Getting a band was a big decision but I was fortunate somehow to just know that that's what I wanted to do. Thank goodnes there are so many different surgery choices available to us; we live in marvellous times. Two years ago I was 250+ and now I'm in the seventies. I'm a little tall and like my curves (oh my goodness, do I LOVE having a waist!) so I don't want to get too thin. But a word about collarbones: YIPPEE! And hips. Wrists. You know how it is -- I'm celebrating this new body every day. I was wearing size twenty pants and am now in tens. No more Plus Size anything. I would not have predicted that I have a thing for clothes, but oh yes, I sure do. It's so much fun to be able to just try something on without all of that angst. I have been an exerciser for many years (arthritis - have to move) but in the last two years I have ratcheted up to being more of an athlete. I feel ridiculous even typing that out as it's such a foreign concept. I used to work out for 45 minutes 3-4 times a week; well, it turns out I am some one who needs more like 75-90 minutes 5-6 times a week. There's the faking it until making it thing and that's what I did. I pretended that I liked it, that I was one of "those" people until I actually have become something resembling one of those lucky people who truly look forward to exercising. Like I said, resembling. I'm not quite there but I raise my hands up in that crossing the finish line pose and I go do what I need to do and I feel like a million bucks afterward. Food. I am happy to report that I still like food. I can taste almost anything and be quite satisfied. That is a miracle. I love to cook and one of my weird non-scale victories (NSVs) is being able to tie my apron double around my waist. I love that. All those years in all those kitchens with my big fat Winnie-the-Pooh belly in an ill-fitting apron or Chef's jacket. No more. Silly, but that just feels so good. I was very restrictive in my former life so I am careful to not be on a diet. I make good choices, which I can do because my appetite is dimmed and I know what good choices are. But I also let myself have a little bit of whatever I want, whether that's a square of chocolate or cheese (behold, the power of cheese). This is why I still have a little weight to lose but I'm okay with that. I do drink alcohol and we have a lot of dinner parties, go to restaurants, etc. Practically no one knows I am banded; I'm extremely private about that. What people do see, however, is how much I'm exercising and how good I feel. It was important for me to go a bit slowly because I wanted the weight loss to be incremental and I didn't want to have saggy skin. Well, that's about it. I am tremendously grateful to all of my Lapband Talk friends and now Bariatric Pal. You know who you are -- the encourageers. Virtual friends. This has been my first experience on a forum and it's been great. Best wishes to all of you wherever you are in the process. For new people, a few words: don't get too hung up on what kind of surgery you had; we have much more in common than not. Don't try to give or take advice from strangers on the internet. Have a good working relationship with your doctor and show up for all your appointments. Show up for yourself! I really had to put myself first to get the surgery and choose my own well-being over taking care of other people's needs first. I don't do that any more and, guess what, every one else benefits from that. Here's to our health!

Actually, there are also two other concerns re alcohol and WLS patients: 3. Rapid intoxication - due to the reduction (after WLS) of enzymes that metabolize alcohol Here's a short piece written for a lay audience on this topic: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/74384.php 4. Risk of transfer addiction (from food to alcohol) -- low odds (probably around 3-4% for those who don't already suffer from alcohol abuse or addiction issues), but a possibility nonetheless. The deal about transfer addictions is that when we are stopped from using Substance X that we've abused in the past to reduce our stress or anxiety we may transfer our addiction to Substance / Activity Y and/or Z. Doesn't mean that we will, but that we may.

I have some good news for you. After a month of blended food, a piece of baked fish will taste like a bone-in rib eye! I am 5 weeks out and just got okayed for some solid food. I bought a container of Lloyds pulled chicken BBQ and it tastes heavenly. I know it's nothing compared to the real thing, but it's still Great. I am also looking forward to some wine in the not too distant future. When I do, my plan is to eat before I drink and go slow with Water on the side. I think the key to wine (or any alcohol) is: 1. Pick your poison wisely. Red Wine is probably the best choice. I lost a lot of weight on Sugar Busters and red wine was the only permitted alcohol. 2. Count the calories in booze. An ounce of distilled alcohol is around 60 calories - the same as one of those Jello SF puddings. Find a very low cal mixer (or water) to mix with and then count your drinks and calories. 3. My #1 source of extra calories pre-opt was the food I would eat while drinking. I think I started drinking thinking I wouldn't eat so my brain was already compromised before I set foot in the kitchen. During my pre pre/opt diet I discovered Jolly Time 100 calorie pop corn. I plan to have that and a couple of other safe Snacks planned before I start imbibing. One last thing, there appears to be no consensus on when to start drinking. Talking to doctors, there seem to be two issue that we have to watch out for. From a medical perspective, it boils down to ulcer avoidance. Booze, coffee, tomatoes, citrus, all can overload your sleeves ability to resist ulcers. My plan is to avoid all of these when I do have some wine. The other is weight gain. But I think my plan (listed above) will help me avoid it. Good luck...

I'm 5 years in and it has done everything I expected, and then some.... Best decision I ever made....easiest thing I could ever do to loose ALL my excess weight and body fat.... Now living the new life I thought would never be possible.... I only say this, because after years on this forum it is obvious everyone is welcome to share their experiences, good and bad....and for every statement made, positive or negative, there is always someone with a different experience... The same goes with things such as caffeine, alcohol, # of fills, interpretation of the Green Zone...there is no wrong or right, there is no Black and white... When one person or persons say one thing and feel it is the absolute fact, there will be another one with a totally different experience. And readers, especially newbies, should not get caught up into that trap...just because someone on the internet says so... I read success stories, as well as failures all the time....and the underlying issues to both the reader will never know...one can only assume.

I just hit my one year anniversary and have been on maintenance for 8 months. I can eat anything and it doesn't bother my sleeve. I don't measure or track my food. Never have during this process. 5/6 small meals a day. While I was losing I ate very little carbs. I still follow the general rule of Protein first and then veg and carbs. Except when I have oatmeal but then I add some unflavored protein to it. When I snack it's usually Skinny Pop. When I go on vacation or have a fun weekend with treats I make sure I am back on track when I return. I stay within a 2 lb range. I also work out every day. I don't drink carbonated drinks or alcohol. coffee with a little creamer, Water, or Powerade zero are what I drink. I was just downgraded from my Gold Status at Starbucks to green because I rarely go anymore. Not a bad thing since it saves me money and calories. I will have some pumpkin pie filling on Thanksgiving. Best of luck- LA

I read your OP as being full of contradictory words and messages (see red font above). It reads like you don't know what you want or what you think is best for you. Only you can answer these questions for yourself. Whether you and I would behave the same (or differently) doesn't really matter. BTW, if alcohol or drugs are involved in your sexual encounters with new people, you are flirting with major health risks. I sincerely hope that's not the case. For all these reasons, I think you would benefit greatly from finding and working with a good therapist. I know it took courage for you to post this. I wish you the very best.

We always jump to addiction transference, and maybe it is - what the heck do I know? However, i have been in the dating pool and have had many conversations with men over email, coffee dates and a couple of guys became friends with. Heck, even found a couple of "relationship potentials" so I have heard alot of feedback about OTHER WOMEN in this process. I know that is weird, but guys can't seem to shut up about the topic. Anyhoo... turns out lots of people who are older/divorced very promisciously. It seems like the majority and I can assure you these are not people who had massive weight loss in their background. It was a shocker to me - one of the first men I went on a second date with revealed some issues he had related to having had something like 50-75 sex partners since becoming single. hello?? what? It put the fear in me and I learned that "protection" simply reduces risk and does not eliminate it. So, you get these well groomed, well educated, well spoken good jobs - don't seem like the type to be "high risk" but they are. I am unclear why having a drink with a sexual partner creates more risk because it is not like you can tell how many partners they have had by looking at them - beer googles or not. Having said all that, i do the OP needs to examine what she really wants from life, and how sexuality either supports it or not. (Franky, most of us need to do that about various aspects of our lives) i think cheating/lying is terrible and there are so many choices to have "sexual freedom" without cheating, that it is completely avoidable. I cannot guess when this behavior is an addiction or an addiction transference but i can tell you there are a heck of a lot of people who are way promiscious in their middle years. I am not making a moral judgement, rather a risk assessment. I chose to vaccinate myself against HPV, even though that is not approved for people my age. The one I am most scared of, and nobody even thinks is an STD is Hep C. Get that, and no drinking alcohol EVER and it can be a serious health problem if not fully managed - I don't want liver damage! Anyway, I have kind of gone off course here, just making the point that not everything is a replacement for food and alot of people seem to go a little crazy once they become single, or go through a separation or whatever. I will admit I was saved from this fate of "too many" partners largely for 2 reasons - #1 the scare story from the man I mention above put the fear of good looking/safe looking strangers in me; and #2 finding a long term lover who was monogamous with me even though we weren't in a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. That odd situation was actually incredibly helpful to me - he is older and actually gave me alot of good counsel about approaching things in life, built my self confidence and helped me see my value on alot of dimensions, and when i had a lot of inner turmoil, was a bit of a safe harbor. But of course, that fits my natural desire anyway - to have a single partner so wouldn't necessarily be a good thing for others. I came from a lifetime of just 2 committed, all consuming relationships (both decades long) so it was a learning process to be in a much less serious relationship and helped me grow internally too. All my irritation with dating has been trying to find that next serious relationship....and I am quite sure I have been looking in the wrong places but that is another topic entirely!

I read your OP as being full of contradictory words and messages (see red font above). It reads like you don't know what you want or what you think is best for you. Only you can answer these questions for yourself. Whether you and I would behave the same (or differently) doesn't really matter. BTW, if alcohol or drugs are involved in your sexual encounters with new people, you are flirting with major health risks. I sincerely hope that's not the case. For all these reasons, I think you would benefit greatly from finding and working with a good therapist. I know it took courage for you to post this. I wish you the very best.