redjules

I hesitiate to creat a story because I don't want to be a bummer.  I went to Mexico got my suregery, not too bad. I weighed 240.  By the end of 12 months I was down to 175 and felt fabulous about my weight loss. I had so many problems though. My band didn't seem to have a happy spot. If I had enough of a fill to have any restriction, I couldn't even swallow a thyroid pill, if I had a headache I was out of luck. It got to the point that I threw up every day. Anything I tried to get down in the morning just sat in my throat and started aching until I would finally go into the bathroom and bend over and let it out.  I'm talking water. By the time noon came around it was a little better, hot liquids in small quantities could be sipped.  Between 6 and eight in the evening, it was almost like I didn't have a band.  I still had to avoid rice, bread, stringy foods etc... I could eat pasta, meat nearly everything else.  Then I would need to stay up untilat least midnight or everything would come up in the middle of the night.  I could never count how many times I woke up having a dream I was drowning or choking and rush to the bathroom before throwing up. It became routine for me to sleep in my recliner because i was afraid to lie down.  It didn't matter if I had broth for dinner, it was going to happen.  If I had fluid taken out, even a .5 CC, I would start gaining.  A couple years ago, after a bad bout of the flu, I was extremely dehydrated, enimic and felt like I was dying.  I drove out to Eugene and had all the liquid taken out. I live in Portland. The fill doc said to me "oh, you'll be back".  I cried the entire 3 hour drive home. I really hoped beyond hope I could keep the weight off. I started drinking lots of water, gym every day. Here it is 2 years later and not only have I gained the entire 65 lbs. I lost but I've added an extra 40. I even ran a marathon this last summer.  I'm basically suicidal at the thought of my weight. I feel extremely defeated. I'm terryfied to endure this again but I don't know if I can go on if I don't.   Any advice?