EVERS123P

Hello to you all! I wasn't sure if I posted this is the right place, so forgive my duplicate entries. This is my first time here. I am so glad I have found this site and have been sitting here for the past 3 hours just reading all of your posts. I'll try and keep it short. The "big fat girl" mentioned in the title is how my 12 year old daughter describes herself on a daily basis. She is in the 6th grade and currently weighs approximately 170lbs. She has been a "big girl" since birth, always in the 95th percentile or more for her age/height. She has two brothers one older and one younger who can and do eat for 5 people and not show any of it! She has always been very active in sports and has many friends. Softball during the summer, volleyball and Basketball during the Fall and Winter. During her 4th grade year all hell broke loose and I began to realize how much her weight was affecting her in all aspects of her life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. She would sneak food in her room and binge probably more then I was aware of, shopping for school clothes was a nightmare that ended almost as soon as it began, her in tears and me feeling helpless. None of the "in clothes" come in a size 18+, consequently we began to see a counselor and nutritionist.Her 5th grade year I made a decision to enroll her and her younger brother in a private school for 2 reasons.The biggest of the 2 was Everyone wears the same thing. Uniforms!! Up until the other day I thought things were going alright. Meaning she didn't bring up how "fat" she was as often or come home from school crying as much.We still had "those days" but they didn't seem to happen as often. That all changed the other night when she totally lost control and threatened to kill herself, holding a knife to her throat in front of her younger brother who is 10. She said she didn't want to live anymore and was tired of being fat. That none of the diets "they said would work" do any good and she just wants to die!!! That made two of us. My heart broke that night and I haven't been the same since. I immediately took her to the ER and we talked with a Social worker until she calmed down. I didn't know what else to do. I have since been reading up on the lap band procedure and have been trying to find a physician that will help me and my daughter. So far all I get, is to do what we've been doing for two !*(^&!! years!!! Diet, exercise, therapy....blah,blah,blah.... H E L L O ? Are you hearing me..My 12 year old wants to DIE !!!!! When I discussed the suicidal gestures and asked about prescribing a diet aid, and antidepressants with her regular pediatrician, she had the balls to tell me that my daughter just needed to continue therapy and that she was "healthy really". HEALTHY? I'm sorry, was I describing her brother? HEALTHY? ...Ahem....Besides being overweight, asthmatic, depressed, suicidal, self esteem and body image of negative zero and increasing her risks for other problems such as heart diesease and diabetes (which runs in the family) Yeah, she's as healthy as she can possibly &!@#! be! GEEZ US! That was our last visit with her needless to say. So here I am. I can't begin to tell you all, the total despair and helplessness I feel daily. I have even thought about putting her on diet pills, but know deep down that isn't a real option and a temporary fix, but I am desperate. The temporary fix would at least be "a start" .. something she could see. Are those risks any greater then all the ones she is currently facing? I mean seriously! So here it is in a nutshell. Wondering if we'd have better luck going out of the States? Can any one out there relate to what I am going through? What my 12 year old baby is going through? Any and all replies, comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Physican referrals would be great! Thanks for listening. <!-- / message --> <!-- controls -->

THANK YOU !!!!, really, THANK YOU ALL. I have read all the posts several times over and so much appreciate the feedback and suggestions you've all given. Just the fact that there are people that can relate at some level gives me some relief in all of this pain and feelings of helplessness. I choose the lightbulb icon, because several things that were mentioned really "stuck" with me and have given me some new ideas and more importantly "hope". First I want to cover some of the ?'s that were asked as this may give me even more answers/ insight. Mackenzie has always been an active girl and very skilled in sports. Especially basketball and softball. She has always had a natural sports abilty. Ive always encouraged her involvement with the sports she chooses to participate in and I make a point to attend most practices ALL games. I always make a point to highlight her "good plays" and tell her how great a job she's done. But I also coach her and point out things to improve her game "back up first, when she's playing right feild, etc... TV time is limited to 30 minutes a night, but she rarely even gets that due to practices or games 4 days a week and an abundant amount of homework. Throw in dinner and a shower..call it a night. She is by no means a couch potato, which makes this even more frustrating. Mackenzie and I attended a Weight Watchers meeting approx. 2 years ago, when she came right out and asked me "Mom, will you help me get smaller, I hate being fat" tears rolling down her cheeks, coming out of the JC Penny's dressing room. We went to two, I pushed for 3. She felt out of place and why wouldn't she? No one there was even close to her age, how could they relate to her, a baby at just ten. She refused to go back and I didn't push it. I have never pushed her to do anything she felt uncomfortable doing, other then seeing her current therapist. (She hates it!) but goes every Friday with me or her Father (we are divorced) So am I wrong to force her to go? Am I wrong for not making her go? Her Father and I, up until recently, had very different views about her weight and how to "help". His sister and Mother have always had weight problems. ( Genetics component here ) and his Mother was very verbally abusive to his sister, maybe unintentionally, but still she was. The X has always made a point to make Kenz's plate for her and deny seconds. Allowing her younger brother to eat what ever he wanted. TOTALLY WRONG. He brought up the "weight issue" often. I am the complete opposite. I don't feel that I should take that decision away from her. How will she learn to make "good choices" on her own if they are made for her, I personally think that may have a hand in the "binging" and "hiding of food" she has been demonstrating. I try to focus more on what she thinks would be a good choice, 2nd serving of potatoes or green Beans? BUT I leave the decision completely up to her. Sometimes she thinks about it and eats healthy sometimes she dosen't. What is the right thing to do? I don't want to make food an "issue" but her weight is an issue. Does that make sense? I must mention that since our counseling, Dad no longer does these things and he is a good Father, very much concerned as am I . Someone mentioned her current state of mind. It's weird. At times it is very apparent to me that she is depressed. Usually when trying on clothes or after a bad day at school but it is homework related. Not what someone said or did.It's hard for me to get a grip on what the trigger is. The majority of the time she appears to be quite happy and her "smart quick witted self" She eagerly tells me about her day or about things that didn't go well for her, again nothing to do with body image or weight. Then out of the blue, at least once a month she has a "blow-out" definately related to her weight. It catches me off guard, because things had been going so smoothly. Am I just not paying attention to non-verbal signs, vague statements that have more meaning then I think? Do I ask more or listen more? Will I be making an issue out of something that is just normal prepubescent stuff and give her more to think about? It's so hard. Those of you who have been in her shoes at this age tell me. What did YOU want your mom to do? Not do? What did she do that helped? Didn't help. Someone mentioned everyone in the household eating the same, not just her. I tell her brothers the same thing I tell her. She is NEVER singled out, although I feel at times she thinks she is." Mom is really saying this to ME" my brothers are skinny..I'm fat. I can read her face like a book then, why can't I when I really need too? Throw out all the junk someone wrote. Up until I read that, I didn't think I had that much. Maybe I should take a picture of the pantry and see what ya'll think. Yes there are bags of chips, Peanut Butter and cracker packs, vanilla wafers, Jerky, peanuts, fruit roll ups, popcorn, lunchables in the fridge. Kids aren't allowed to drink cokes unless we eat out. But Kenz has always been a milk drinker.Fresh fruit is always on the table, and I find she eats it if I take the time to skin and cut it up before they get home from school. To me, it isn't that much junk, maybe it is. No Cookies although I do buy them occasionally, same with sherbet. Worth mentioning- we have a mom and pop type candy ice-cream store 2 blocks away. I have found numerous candy wrappers in the laundry and change missing from my change jar..... When we first started our counseling sessions the therapist reccommended seeing a dietician and we did for 3 months. Basically she went over portion sizes with Mackenzie, the food groups, etc and we kept a daily food intake diary of everything (that we knew of) After 3 months the insurance ran out as the X lost his job. End of the sessions. Nothing really accomplished? after 6 months when insurance kicked back in, we started back with a new therapist. I really didn't feel like much progress was made with the "old one" after a year, seems we were still in the same "mess" A Year! We currently see a therapist who specializes in adolescent eating disorders. We have been going now for about 4 months every Friday. Is she ready, willing or even capable at 12 yrs old of making the lifestyle changes needed for any elected surgical procedures to succeed? Oddly enough, I hadn't given this aspect much thought. It's the "quick fix, don't let my Baby hurt anymore, knee jerk reaction.... Whom-ever pointed this out. Thank You. It is definately a major consideration, and needs some serious thought. I have so much more to ask... but will have to find time later tonight. School is out and I have to go get the kiddos. Again,. THANK YOU ALL so much for your input and continued support. This a wonderful site, and I am so glad to have found all of you. God Bless