azgunslinger

Hi - I wrote a LOOOONG letter to you all telling the story of my wife and my struggle with weight and relationships and the log in timed out on me. Probably good news for you. So here it is in a nutshell...please don't think I am cold, though this will seem a lot colder than I mean it. My wife has a band. Here are the stats: Weight when married (8 yrs ago): 135lbs. Weight when conceived first child (7yrs): 140 Weight when deliverying first child: 225 Weight when conceiving child 2 (3 yrs ago): 170 Weight when delivering child 2: 225 Weight when applied for lap band: 190 Weight when accepted for lap band: 265 (a new record, she just hit before getting approval for the surgery) Time spent recovering: 6 weeks Weight today after 1 year of lap band surgery: 230 Number of fills: 2 (within 6 weeks of surgery, hasn't been back) Number of support visits attended: 0 Number of times exercised since surgery: 1 Number of times in counseling (recommended by dr) since surgery: 0 My wife is perpetually angry at me, and no one can talk about weight. She eats cake, icecream, Cookies, yogurt, anything she pleases. I don't think the band is working that much, though every once in a while she is taken by surprise and she throws up after eating too much I presume. I do love her, but I think I need some help for her. I told her about this site, and how supportive everyone is. She hasn't looked into it. No support group, hasn't told many friends. I make a very comfortable living. She has never had to work in our marriage. She watches soaps, doesn't have a degree, or work out, or pursue any hobby. She says, "You should just love me no matter what I decide to do. I need an unconditional husband". She says that's why she eats...to fill the void in her life I am causing. Her mom says my wife is so headstrong that she can't be reasoned with. I own my own business and stick my neck on the line every day. I travel all over the world and am becoming a well known businessman in my space. When I come home, I get beat up and accused of not loving my children or my wife. Then my wife sobs for hours. I am totally lost. I thought maybe people on this board would have some suggestions on how I might coax my wife to come into the light...to read some of your stories and be motivated. Maybe to tell her story and lean on your experiences for support. Maybe to get her to a place where she's happier and able to address what's really on her mind. So, there you have it. In a nutshell. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks so much for all the posts...I see everyone is beating up on someone for asking for a job. Obviously, this board is not for employment problems...but it IS for support. I don't have a band, but with your assistance and willingness to help I have tapped this community for a lot of support and you have all really helped put things in perspective and provided a lot of great suggestions. If I can give a little back and be supportive to a member of this community, then I am going to do it. If it in some small way makes someone even more encouraged and they help 2 more people down the road, then that's what life is all about - and really what this board is all about. People helping people. I am not a bazillionaire, I can't do significant charitable donations to help others, but I am a positive person who knows how to take opportunities and capitalize on them. I hope every one of you can harness the momentum of your accomplishment of beating this obesity demon, turn that energy and enthusiasm to your next struggle and hit the highest achievements you imagined for yourself. Generally speaking, I believe someone who has struggled and pulled themselves up to win is by far a more capable, and interesting person than someone who has never had to struggle. Happy thanksgiving to everyone! :hungry:

I am definitely hiring. I do finance systems for Fortune 500 companies and global businesses. More consolidations, performance management and that sort of thing than financial services or investments. Major vendors in the space: Hyperion, Cognos, OutlookSoft, and now Microsoft. Send me an email to explore if its a good fit. If not, I have a solid network in a lot of major companies I can provide some contacts for you.

She was very sad at the time when she first mentioned the lap band or even gastric bypass. She couldn't decide between the two, but she kept repeating she had "tried everything" without success. I have been with her for almost 1/3 of her life and I do not believe she tried everything - not by a long shot. We had a gym membership for 5 years, she went for ~30 days in that time. No liquid diet, etc. She did most of the research on her own, but I was waiting for her in the bariatric office one day and I was listening to the office gal operate in what i thought was a questionable manner by telling the prospective patients how to do things to qualify for the surgery. That was the predetermined outcome the surgery center wanted - qualify for the surgery - at any cost. My wife gained some 50lbs in the 5 months before the surgery. I later learned she was turned down because she wasn't morbidly obese (she was less than 100lbs overweight) and had no comorbidities. She was 29 when she had the surgery. She wanted this all along. I didn't want this. I don't have pierced ears, tatoos, or any unnecessary mutilations. it was a foreign concept to me to willingly get your body carved up when willpower could achieve same results. But...I did some research including reading this site. It just takes some support, encouragement, and willpower - and when the willpower fails, the band gives you a boost. I get it now. I am just sorry my wife doesn't appear to.

thanks CJ - I would love to think being a wuss (and telling her she's sexy and glorious and is so special - while she watches TV eating oreos by the bagful) would help her "see the light" at some point, but I don't think that's the way it really works. If she had a needle sticking out of her arm and had the same behaviors, I don't think anyone would recommend I tell her how beautiful she is to make her feel good about herself. There's a limit to what people can take. I think with the surplus we have due to my work, there's no need to really struggle or try too hard on her part. Not even for me, not even for the kids, and that I think is really sad. I imagine that - not for the revenue - but for the responsibility - if the had a job or volunteered somewhere and got out of the house, had to abide by a schedule (my kid was tardy 14 times in the first trimester of school because she gets him to school late), had to dress and get ready every day (flylady says wear your shoes - good point), be accountable to a manager of some kind, then I think I'd see some of those differences. Its like you said about your husband. And - not only do we have kids, but in my wife is the person I really want to be married to. The person I fell in love with. She is waiting to blossom - I just know it. I also know that if I leave she'll be motivated to do the right things suddenly because the pressure to perform is back. The trick is, how do I get that motivation kicked in without leaving and breaking up my family unit? I thought the lap band was a step in the right direction!

Thanks so much for your encouragement and your thoughts. I wish I could say I am the ideal husband and father, but that's obviously not the case. I am not home all the time, but when not traveling, I am working from home. I am very much "action oriented" and I give points for achievements and not as much for effort. Not everyone is wired that way or appreciates that, I get it. I have many faults that lead me to be successful in some areas, but cost me in others. I think i have a pretty good inventory on what i do well and what I don't do well. I spent the last 6 weeks at home (when I usually travel to 1 or 2 cities per week). And it was eye opening. I saw my wife spend a lot of time on the couch, sleeping during the day, staying up late watching TV, and just "checked out" and not being healthy. When I am not home, I imagine she is using the time when the one son is at school to go to the mall, or go to lunch with friends or do something 'for her'. Alas, that is not the case. I have offered the respite from taking care of the kids - ie giving her a week off, or accompanying me to Europe on a trip (while her mom watches the kids) or whatever, and she won't take it. I think she thinks that if she takes a break, then its like admitting that you're stressed out - and she won't do that. NO Chinks in the armor! She is Super Mom! That's her story and she's sticking to it. Incidentally, she says she loves her body the way it is, and isn't bothered by being overweight. She says she loves who she is and does not have a self esteem problem. She says its my problem that I can't appreciate her no matter how she looks. I don't know how this can be, but it would explain why she doesn't engage on the band - if she thinks there's no problem, then there's nothing to do. Either that, or she's really deep in denial. A few times in some emotional conversations she confessed that she's trapped by food. Doesn't feel full, doesn't like how she looks, doesn't want to be this person. When I saw a few times - it has been 3 conversations since we've been married and none since the band. I know she's fragile, but I don't think making efforts at this point to engage are working. We need some professional intervention, but how to break through the barriers to being open to this course??? When I say I didn't want to come across as cold, its because I wrote this long letter trying very hard to give the objective context of where we were in our relationship and our lives. When I reverted to a bulleted list of the 'stats' - I thought it would make me look weight focused, and strictly by the numbers. Having said that, I think there is a strong correlation between weight and emotional stability...would you agree? I know that's a hard concept to agree with, but I think the euphoria you realize knowing you can control your weight and you CAN be the woman (or man) you want to be - whether its weight, professional life, personal relationships, etc. Havign control over your destiny is a transforming idea! I am 37, but being a business owner and successful has given me such an appreciation for life. I don't know if you read about Mazlow's hierarchy of needs, but I am "self-actualized". I can wake up and if I decide to buy real estate, or hire 5 people, or go get a new customer, I can do all that. OR, I could lay in bed and eat a bag of potato chips. Its all my choice, and I am not in fear of being in control of my options. I think most of you have experienced that as you learn that you can control your weight, your appearance, your life, your behavior...you realize you have complete control and discipline to get better results...its liberating. Conversely, how do you feel about people who haven't taken the step that you have? Do you feel excited to tell them that there's nothing to be afraid of and you can get control of this problem with food? I'd imagine (and I read on this board) that you are only too excited to share the good news with someone else who is struggling where you used to be. This is beatable! I need to lose weight too, so this skill is one that i still don't have. But I know where I am on the "scale" so to speak and I know I have plenty of work to do. I do tend to inspire my employees and that's where I get the most back. I pay significantly more than my competitors and give my employees extra training just because I want them to have every opportunity to develop into whatever direction they want to go. I respect their time and family commitments and make every effort to accomodate their schedules and their priorities in life. I have no retention problems and I try to avoid the limelight when recognition is being handed out. (in my business, truly, its the workers who make a difference, my involvement is brief...so I give them the glory). I want to similarly inspire my wife. I (perhaps naiively) think I can coax her into trying harder...just so if she set one goal for herself (could be anything, not weight related, anything) and she achieved it - she would become addicted to success, instead of dwelling on the negative spiral she is currently on. OK, i have been ranting...but I am very grateful for your responses thus far. This is a difficult issue. The band, the weight, the emotions...all of it makes it complex, and I appreciate your insight! Thanks for the thoughts.

Thank you for your post. Yes, I am afraid it was a rash decision to have the surgery. I have tried to share information with her, and its a struggle. You make a lot of sense. I can see how you would be successful if you viewed the band as just one component in the struggle. That I get. Not following through I don't. I own my own business, its a services business. I am paid to take responsibility for issues companies don't want to take for themselves. I know how to keep my head and work through a crisis. Its what I do, even when the crisis is not of my making. Its hard for me to see my wife bowled over by the speedbumps in daily life (low fuel warning in the car, traffic, song she doesn't like, our boys roughhousing...things like that). I don't know how to break that cycle or what I can do (if anything) to help her be a little more practical about the situations around her.

Thanks for fast reply. We tried marriage counseling for a while. The counselor told me that after the surgery and she couldn't use food as a crutch, there would be a big breakthrough and we'd get to the source of the depression (she's depressed and taking Zoloft...also supposed to be seeing a counselor for that). Has anyone experienced that breakthrough effect emotionally? You all sound so positive and optimistic - why? I have to believe a big part of being heavy is attributable to depression. How did you get up the nerve to say - no more, this is not for me! My wife hasn't gone back to any counselor since that meeting where the doc indicated the eating and depression were related. Prevent the self medicating eating and you'll be forced to deal with the cause of the depression. My wife says "I've dealt with all that I need to deal with, I don't need the counselor any more". I continued to go alone just to get another viewpoint on what I could do to improve the situation, but the counselor said it wouldn't be that beneficial without both of us being there. She expressed concern that my wife wasn't seeing anyone.