Bullwinkle

KariK - yeah, I'm already on Wellbutrin since the last time I quit. When I hit the four-week mark the last time, I had SEVERE depression and crying spells, like you wouldn't believe. So I asked my doc for Wellbutrin and he gave it to me. It might be helping this time. I'll see when the four-week mark rolls around! angelburch - yes, I miss the morning cigarette, too. The important thing is that I'm not CRAVING the cigarette this morning, like I was yesterday morning. That's a huge difference for me. I miss smoking while driving, too. It's like missing a dear friend. Isn't that stupid?

As of this moment, it’s been 36 hours and 50 minutes since I smoked a cigarette. And, as of this very second, I wish to God I had a cigarette to smoke. That’s just the way I feel right now. I do know that this feeling will pass, however. It doesn’t help that I have a freakin’ headache the size of Texas right now, and that I had wild dreams that woke me up last night every hour, on the hour – thank YOU, nicotine patch. I’m so damn grouchy, I can hardly stand myself. The kids are going with their Mom for Thanksgiving today. The only ones in the house will be me and the hubby. I pity the fool who gets in my way today. Honestly, I do. When I let the dog out this morning for her morning pee, I wanted to smoke so badly I was clenching my jaws. My molars hurt from clenching so hard. And I may as well state for the record right now that I am NOT following any freakin’ liquid diet anymore until I get over these damn cravings for cigarettes. I don’t even have a surgery date, for God’s sake, so I’m not going to try to quit smoking AND quit eating (essentially) at the same time. I’m strong, but I ain’t THAT strong, honey. Damn, I’m grouchy. I can’t wait until tomorrow night at 7:00pm. That hour will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette – notice, I didn’t say, “…since I had my LAST cigarette…” – remember, I’m keeping my options open this time – that’s what’s gonna make this quit different than the last one. ANYWAY…….where was I? Oh, yeah. Friday – tomorrow night – at 7:00pm will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette. They say that the first 72 hours are the worst for cigarette cravings (whoever the Hell THEY are….who makes up this shit?). So, I’m guessing that about 8:00pm tomorrow night I’ll be in a MUCH better mood. I’d better be because, like I said, I’m so caustic just now I can hardly stand my own self. Better get the stupid turkey out and see if it’s thawed enough to cook it. It’s now been precisely 37 hours since I’ve smoked a cigarette. Yee Haw . Damn cigarette cravings.

Fifty hours. That’s 5-0. Fifty HOURS since I had a cigarette. And, yanno what? I’m sitting here at 6:00am – get this – drum roll, please – I’m not craving a cigarette this morning. WOO HOO!! You GO girl!! It’s great to be able to sit here and drink my coffee and take my vitamins without having to jump up every twenty minutes and smoke a cigarette on the back porch. When I let the dog out this morning for her morning pee, the urge to smoke wasn’t there. God, that felt good. When I went for a drive yesterday afternoon with the hubby, the urge to light up while driving was there, but not because I was having a craving. It was just a habit. THAT felt good, too. I’m leaving in a moment to go to Big Lots to get some stocking stuffers for Christmas (why on God’s earth they would open at 6:00am, I’ll never know…….poor clerks!). I know that I will be wanting to light up while driving – just a habit – but I don’t think it will be because of a craving. I think that Dr. Curry will be proud of me when I am able to report to him in January that I quit smoking – er, haven’t smoked since November. Onward…….

Teresita and angelburch.......thanks for your comments. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to YOUR many comments, Teresita. It took me this long to figure out how to. I guess I'm responding in the correct place. I dunno. Tell me if I'm not.

It’s 4:10am and I can’t sleep. I had my last cigarette last night at 7:03pm. I sit here at this computer just moments after washing my upper arm with soap and hot water, drying it thoroughly with a towel, and slapping a 21mg nicotine patch on my arm. I’m wanting a cigarette in a really bad way. Now it’s 4:22am and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee, still wanting a cigarette. I’m hoping like Hell that this nicotine patch kicks in and brings me sweet relief from craving a cigarette. I let the dog out for her morning pee and stopped abruptly, keenly aware that I wouldn’t be on the back deck, taking a drag on my morning cigarette. Then I went to the front door and looked out the window, hoping not to see frost on the car windows. Damn. SOLID frost – the kind you gotta scrape and scrape even after the car has been turned on and warming up in the driveway for fifteen minutes. “If there’s no frost,” I told myself, “then that’s a sign that I can dash to the Shell gas station and get a pack of cigarettes.” But the frost is there in a big way, so there’ll be no trip to the Shell station. But I already knew that before I looked out the window. Head games. That’s what’s going on now. Damn. Now I feel my chest tightening, like I’m going to start wheezing – like it does when I have an asthma attack. I’m taking deep breaths. I realize what’s going on. I’ve been here before. This scene is all too familiar now. The last time I did this, I lasted four weeks to the day without a cigarette. I used the patch that time, too. The time before that I lasted two years without a cigarette, and I had done it cold turkey that time. I don’t know how long this time will last, but I know that I’ve gotta try to quit. It’s funny how I said in my opening statement that I had my last cigarette last night. I don’t know if it will be my last. I know that it will be my last one for a while, however. I do know that. This time will be different. I’m not going to announce to anyone, “I’m an ex-smoker. I quit smoking.” Because, I haven’t. Not yet. I’m not going to say, “I smoked my last cigarette November 21, 2006.” Because I don’t know at this juncture whether that was my last cigarette or not. I’m not going to say that I’ll never smoke again. This time will be different because I’m not going to say any of those things. What I WILL say is this: “I’m not going to smoke a cigarette right now, but if I want to smoke one, I will.” That way I haven’t closed my options. That way I will feel that I’m in control. That way I will feel that this is a choice – not an ultimatum. Me and ultimatums don’t do well. Just ask my ex-husband. He’d tell ya’. If someone – anyone – says to me, “You’ve got a choice; it’s either A or B.” Guess what? I’ll do C every time. I’m not takin’ your freakin’ choices. I’ll make my OWN, thank you. So, if I wanna stop somewhere on the way to work and get a pack of smokes, I will. If I wanna dash out at lunch time and smoke after ripping this patch off of my arm, I will. If I wanna go scrape the car windows for 15 minutes and go to the store right now and get a pack, I will. See…..it’s MY choice. And that’s what I hafta tell myself just now to get through this first day. It’s 4:46am and I’m still wanting a cigarette, but not as bad as I wanted one when I started typing this. I had my last drag nearly 10 hours ago and that’s pretty damn good for me. I like myself just about now.

As of this moment, it’s been 36 hours and 50 minutes since I smoked a cigarette. And, as of this very second, I wish to God I had a cigarette to smoke. That’s just the way I feel right now. I do know that this feeling will pass, however. It doesn’t help that I have a freakin’ headache the size of Texas right now, and that I had wild dreams that woke me up last night every hour, on the hour – thank YOU, nicotine patch. I’m so damn grouchy, I can hardly stand myself. The kids are going with their Mom for Thanksgiving today. The only ones in the house will be me and the hubby. I pity the fool who gets in my way today. Honestly, I do. When I let the dog out this morning for her morning pee, I wanted to smoke so badly I was clenching my jaws. My molars hurt from clenching so hard. And I may as well state for the record right now that I am NOT following any freakin’ liquid diet anymore until I get over these damn cravings for cigarettes. I don’t even have a surgery date, for God’s sake, so I’m not going to try to quit smoking AND quit eating (essentially) at the same time. I’m strong, but I ain’t THAT strong, honey. Damn, I’m grouchy. I can’t wait until tomorrow night at 7:00pm. That hour will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette – notice, I didn’t say, “…since I had my LAST cigarette…” – remember, I’m keeping my options open this time – that’s what’s gonna make this quit different than the last one. ANYWAY…….where was I? Oh, yeah. Friday – tomorrow night – at 7:00pm will mark 72 hours since I had a cigarette. They say that the first 72 hours are the worst for cigarette cravings (whoever the Hell THEY are….who makes up this shit?). So, I’m guessing that about 8:00pm tomorrow night I’ll be in a MUCH better mood. I’d better be because, like I said, I’m so caustic just now I can hardly stand my own self. Better get the stupid turkey out and see if it’s thawed enough to cook it. It’s now been precisely 37 hours since I’ve smoked a cigarette. Yee Haw . Damn cigarette cravings.

It’s 4:10am and I can’t sleep. I had my last cigarette last night at 7:03pm. I sit here at this computer just moments after washing my upper arm with soap and hot water, drying it thoroughly with a towel, and slapping a 21mg nicotine patch on my arm. I’m wanting a cigarette in a really bad way. Now it’s 4:22am and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee, still wanting a cigarette. I’m hoping like Hell that this nicotine patch kicks in and brings me sweet relief from craving a cigarette. I let the dog out for her morning pee and stopped abruptly, keenly aware that I wouldn’t be on the back deck, taking a drag on my morning cigarette. Then I went to the front door and looked out the window, hoping not to see frost on the car windows. Damn. SOLID frost – the kind you gotta scrape and scrape even after the car has been turned on and warming up in the driveway for fifteen minutes. “If there’s no frost,” I told myself, “then that’s a sign that I can dash to the Shell gas station and get a pack of cigarettes.” But the frost is there in a big way, so there’ll be no trip to the Shell station. But I already knew that before I looked out the window. Head games. That’s what’s going on now. Damn. Now I feel my chest tightening, like I’m going to start wheezing – like it does when I have an asthma attack. I’m taking deep breaths. I realize what’s going on. I’ve been here before. This scene is all too familiar now. The last time I did this, I lasted four weeks to the day without a cigarette. I used the patch that time, too. The time before that I lasted two years without a cigarette, and I had done it cold turkey that time. I don’t know how long this time will last, but I know that I’ve gotta try to quit. It’s funny how I said in my opening statement that I had my last cigarette last night. I don’t know if it will be my last. I know that it will be my last one for a while, however. I do know that. This time will be different. I’m not going to announce to anyone, “I’m an ex-smoker. I quit smoking.” Because, I haven’t. Not yet. I’m not going to say, “I smoked my last cigarette November 21, 2006.” Because I don’t know at this juncture whether that was my last cigarette or not. I’m not going to say that I’ll never smoke again. This time will be different because I’m not going to say any of those things. What I WILL say is this: “I’m not going to smoke a cigarette right now, but if I want to smoke one, I will.” That way I haven’t closed my options. That way I will feel that I’m in control. That way I will feel that this is a choice – not an ultimatum. Me and ultimatums don’t do well. Just ask my ex-husband. He’d tell ya’. If someone – anyone – says to me, “You’ve got a choice; it’s either A or B.” Guess what? I’ll do C every time. I’m not takin’ your freakin’ choices. I’ll make my OWN, thank you. So, if I wanna stop somewhere on the way to work and get a pack of smokes, I will. If I wanna dash out at lunch time and smoke after ripping this patch off of my arm, I will. If I wanna go scrape the car windows for 15 minutes and go to the store right now and get a pack, I will. See…..it’s MY choice. And that’s what I hafta tell myself just now to get through this first day. It’s 4:46am and I’m still wanting a cigarette, but not as bad as I wanted one when I started typing this. I had my last drag nearly 10 hours ago and that’s pretty damn good for me. I like myself just about now.

My two cents.... #1. As to his "checking up" on you..... Yanno what? All this time, he's just been LOOKING and WAITING for you to do something "WRONG." He's a control freak. I speak from experience. Trust me. My ex-husband used to check the odometer on the car to make sure I wasn't going anywhere further than the grocery store. He'd check the position of the passenger seat to make sure I wasn't giving anyone a ride anywhere. He'd check phone records, and if he would have known how, he would have checked the keystrokes on my computer. HE's a control freak, and he'll never change. Get out NOW. This will turn ugly, fast. #2. As to his finding your posts here...... So the hell what???? You're looking for insight and HELP. It's the same things as going to a counselor. We're counseling you. We're trying to help you. He wants you to stop finding help. He wants you under his thumb. He's trying to control you. You don't see that now, but you will. If he's found your posts here, he'll probably read this one, and I hope he does. You are too close to the situation to see what's happening. I reiterate....get out, go live somewhere else, get apart from the situation so you can step back and take a look after you've had breathing room, and you'll see more clearly. The fact that your husband is spying on you -- 'cause that's what he's doing -- tells me that he's just LOOKING for ANY opportunity to accuse you of wrong-doing. You've done nothing wrong. He has.

What about Wellbutrin? I take Wellbutrin. Should I ask my surgeon (Dr. Curry) about not taking it once I'm banded?

This past weekend was not good regarding food choices. 'Nuff said. The past few days I've toyed with questions such as, "Do I really wanna do this?" "Have I researched this enough?" "Will I have complications" Stuff like that. Just any old excuse, I suppose, NOT to be banded. Then I think about what transpired this past weekend. If I were banded, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling guilty right now, because I wouldn't have been able to stuff my pie hole the way I did. I gotta get a grip. I'll be covered insurance-wise for this procedure on January 1st. It can't come soon enough.

This past weekend was not good regarding food choices. 'Nuff said. The past few days I've toyed with questions such as, "Do I really wanna do this?" "Have I researched this enough?" "Will I have complications" Stuff like that. Just any old excuse, I suppose, NOT to be banded. Then I think about what transpired this past weekend. If I were banded, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling guilty right now, because I wouldn't have been able to stuff my pie hole the way I did. I gotta get a grip. I'll be covered insurance-wise for this procedure on January 1st. It can't come soon enough.

Five-cup Salad

I smoke a pack a day. I don't want to. I experience the same self-loathing over smoking, that I do over being fat. I hate myself for making such an unhealthy choice. I tell myself that it's "okay" because I don't smoke in the house or around other people, and certainly never inside a restaurant or any public place. In fact, if I find I HAVE to have a cigarette while I'm out shopping, I walk far, far away from the entrance to the building so that other patrons don't have to breathe in my vile cigarette smoke. Some may perceive me a hypocrit. I don't care. I want to quit and I did quit for over three years many years ago, and the last attempt at quitting last year had me smoke-free for four weeks. I gained thirty pounds in that month, so I rationalized starting smoking again because of the weight gain. Funny thing is, I haven't lost those thirty added pounds. My surgeon told me that I have to be smoke-free for two weeks prior to surgery. I already decided to have my last cigarette 11-22-06. I hope I can quit for good this time. I don't judge others for what they do -- or don't do -- with their lives. Sometimes I see the "debunkify the myth" commercials where they talk about "not everyone smokes", and the recent local elections here have banned smoking in ALL public places -- and while I think that's a very good thing, sometimes I think that this country is in a "Smoker's Bashing" frenzy. If you smoke, you're looked upon as a lower-class individual. Much the same way I'm treated as being an obese person. Because I'm fat, I'm regarded as "not as good" by the thin, "normal" population. I think both are wrong to do. Any kind of (fill in the blank) bashing is wrong. As long as my bad habits aren't affecting other people, I don't think anyone has a say in what I choose to do to my body. When and if I decide to quit should be MY decision, and I shouldn't be bullied into that decision. Same thing for weight-loss. It's MY decision. That's just my two cents....

Instead of walking into the store, I would have gotten back into my truck -- while he was still in the middle of his tirade, and before he got into his car -- locked the doors, turned the ignition, called 9-1-1, backed up a little, and rammed his car a few times in that big ass truck of yours, while telling the 9-1-1 operator that you are reporting an accident. That would have taken the asshole by surprise. The shit. Sure, when the police arrived it would have been your fault, but you simply tell them it was an accident because HE had parked so close to YOUR vehicle, you couldn't maneuver out of your parking place. The bastard. Righteous indignation is underrated.

Yesterday was a great day eating-wise. I think I'm getting things under control now. I've lost a few pounds (water weight) since Monday. As usual, I had my coffee with half-n-half and Sweet-n-Low in the morning, then I sipped on a diet orange Faygo until noon. For lunch, I had a generic SlimFast shake, and a Lipton cup-o-soup, chicken noodle, and when the cup became half empty, I'd fill it with more hot water. I did that a few times until the chicken broth tasted more and more like just hot water. It filled my stomach, so I wasn't hungry for food. Then I drank Diet Snapple the rest of the afternoon. It was very tempting about 3:30pm to eat one of the tootsie rolls from the candy dish in the office, but I didn't. At home after work I had my usual 16-ounce cup of instant coffee. Dinner was a little polish sausage and sauerkraut, and a slice of Swiss cheese. Later I had a low carb tortilla with some home made chicken salad on it (chicken, boiled eggs, mayo, onion). I also had a protein bar with 3 net grams of carbs. So, I was fully satiated yesterday and can only say that I experienced hunger once all day long. I know that I cannot make a habit of having protein bars AND food in the same meal, so I'll work on that today. Onward.....

Yesterday was a great day eating-wise. I think I'm getting things under control now. I've lost a few pounds (water weight) since Monday. As usual, I had my coffee with half-n-half and Sweet-n-Low in the morning, then I sipped on a diet orange Faygo until noon. For lunch, I had a generic SlimFast shake, and a Lipton cup-o-soup, chicken noodle, and when the cup became half empty, I'd fill it with more hot water. I did that a few times until the chicken broth tasted more and more like just hot water. It filled my stomach, so I wasn't hungry for food. Then I drank Diet Snapple the rest of the afternoon. It was very tempting about 3:30pm to eat one of the tootsie rolls from the candy dish in the office, but I didn't. At home after work I had my usual 16-ounce cup of instant coffee. Dinner was a little polish sausage and sauerkraut, and a slice of Swiss cheese. Later I had a low carb tortilla with some home made chicken salad on it (chicken, boiled eggs, mayo, onion). I also had a protein bar with 3 net grams of carbs. So, I was fully satiated yesterday and can only say that I experienced hunger once all day long. I know that I cannot make a habit of having protein bars AND food in the same meal, so I'll work on that today. Onward.....

So, I didn't do TOO badly yesterday, eating-wise. I received a comment in my journal from a member who told me to eat something low carb if I had to eat solid food, and that's what I did. I managed to avoid all sugar and flour yesterday. If I can do it one day, I can do it two days. And that's what I'm shooting for today. I think I'll go ahead and bid on the Medifast stuff I saw on ebay and give it a try since, indeed, it is the stuff I hafta use for 14 days prior to surgery. The dietician confirmed that to me in an email.

So, I didn't do TOO badly yesterday, eating-wise. I received a comment in my journal from a member who told me to eat something low carb if I had to eat solid food, and that's what I did. I managed to avoid all sugar and flour yesterday. If I can do it one day, I can do it two days. And that's what I'm shooting for today. I think I'll go ahead and bid on the Medifast stuff I saw on ebay and give it a try since, indeed, it is the stuff I hafta use for 14 days prior to surgery. The dietician confirmed that to me in an email.

((((HUGS)))) to you, FullofGrace!!!!!!!!!

In his reply to my email, Dr. Curry pointed out that his dietician had thin hair before she was banded. I didn't even mention his dietician and her thin hair (although I did notice it when she was speaking with me in his office). I emailed him about it because I've read so much about hair loss on these boards, yet he was quick to point out the fact that her hair was thin before the banding procedure. In either case.......c'est la vie. Being at a normal weight means more to me at this juncture than does a thick head of hair.

I dunno if I can do this. Wow. This is more difficult than I thought it would be. I started over fine yesterday. Got up at 5:30am, per usual, had a few cups of coffee with half-n-half and Splenda. More coffee at work. At 10:00am, drank a generic Slimfast shake. Great. Everything was fine. No hunger. Lunch time -- had to work through lunch, but that's another story -- had my Lipton cup-o-soup chicken noodle (may was well say chicken BROTH) -- had two of those. Home at 5:30pm, had more coffee (per usual), dinner was another cup-o-soup, and another protein shake about 6:00pm. I did fine up until 7:00pm. That's when the hunger become overwhelming. I had some clam chowder soup. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. That led to having a few slices of Swiss cheese, and just before going to bed at 9:45pm, I had five pretzel sticks. Yeesh. I don't even have a surgery date yet, and I can't seem to stick to a liquid diet. The surgeon reuires that I stick to a Medifast liquid diet for two weeks before surgery. I'm worried that I won't be able to do it. Today's another day.

I dunno if I can do this. Wow. This is more difficult than I thought it would be. I started over fine yesterday. Got up at 5:30am, per usual, had a few cups of coffee with half-n-half and Splenda. More coffee at work. At 10:00am, drank a generic Slimfast shake. Great. Everything was fine. No hunger. Lunch time -- had to work through lunch, but that's another story -- had my Lipton cup-o-soup chicken noodle (may was well say chicken BROTH) -- had two of those. Home at 5:30pm, had more coffee (per usual), dinner was another cup-o-soup, and another protein shake about 6:00pm. I did fine up until 7:00pm. That's when the hunger become overwhelming. I had some clam chowder soup. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. That led to having a few slices of Swiss cheese, and just before going to bed at 9:45pm, I had five pretzel sticks. Yeesh. I don't even have a surgery date yet, and I can't seem to stick to a liquid diet. The surgeon reuires that I stick to a Medifast liquid diet for two weeks before surgery. I'm worried that I won't be able to do it. Today's another day.

Hi, FullofGrace! I hope your surgery went well! I've been thinking of you!!

I met with my surgeon last week, and he told me that the bad stays in for life (unless there are complications and he HAS to take it out).

Where's the best place to buy the Medifast? I saw some on Ebay and it's a lot less expensive than on the Medifast site. Anyone?