sueblicious

I put off doing the initial paperwork to get the ball rolling for at least 6 months, mostly out of fear of getting my hopes up and insurance not paying it or fear of setting myself up for failure. When I finally started the process, it was long and tedious, but got through it. My insurance required me to go through 6 months of "medical dieting" which I did and I had surgery December 7, 2009. I was in a lot of pain and had a difficult time w/ the pain meds and I was told during the pre-surgery team that my turn around would be 24 hrs, that wasn't true, it took me about 2 weeks just to feeling ok to drive and work. But anyway to get on with it, I went through the surgery with no complications. I lost weight fast, in fact I lost 14 pounds w/in the first month and I was really stoked. Since then I've only lost another 6 pounds, depending on the day. I was starting to get really frustrated, but I have noticed that the pounds don't seem to matter since I am getting into jeans that I haven't worn in over 5 years, so that is a huge accomplishment. I didn't realize how much I let myself go...I just didn't care. I wore only sweats and t-shirts, never wore jewlery (my hands got to fat to wear my wedding ring), never wore make-up and really didn't take a whole lot of time on myself. Since I've lost the weight, I have really made it a point to put make-up on and to start dressing up more, and dressing in clothes that support the weight loss. I knew that a lot of my weight gain came from depression and emotional eating, but I didn't realize the depth that it went. I have found that I am more comfortable being fat, because that keeps people away from me. I was shy for a lot of years, but got out of that when I went to college and started my career (substance abuse/mental health) therapist, I really gained confidence, loved what I did. But I found that by being fat, it kept male clients from coming on to me and it forced most people to recognize my ability and talent and not just see another pretty face/body. So I have used that for many years as my shield. Since going through the surgery, I have found that I ate for so many other reasons. I would stuff myself until I was so full, then be uncomfortable for hours afterward. This habit has changed by force and it has taken many times for me to make myself vomit and to be uncomfortable for awhile, before it started to make connections in my brain. I love food and I love to eat when I am depressed, anxious, afraid, sad, etc and by doing this surgery it has really made me become more aware of the emotions that I connected to eating. I have had to re-train my brain and still struggle w/it. Right now my biggest fear is that I won't lose the weight. When I was going through the process, I told many people what I was doing, I did this because I knew it would help hold me accountable. I have a huge support system in all area's of my life and this has helped me stay on track and pay attention to my eating and my emotions to ratio of food. I still am afraid that I will fail, however, my main goal for doing this has been to feel better, not to look like Pamela Anderson (I have to be realistic in some part of my life). I haven't lost as much weight as I would have liked to 4 months post surgery, but I feel better and that is worth a lot. One of the hardest things I am stuggling with, is excercising. I am a HUGE couch potato and I can find a reason everytime to not excercise, it's almost like I talk myself out of it. I have even gone so far as to making a WORKOUT playlist on my ZUNE and have set up exercise stations in my house that range from Pilates to cardio to resistence training to targeted area's and I still sit on my butt and watch TV or go to bed and read and nap (that is my favorite pastime). I had every intention of keeping a journal, as of now, I have not done that, but it is still on my to do list. I decided to get set up in a forum or blog form so that I can get additional support and help from others who have gone through it. Thank you for reading my story and any feedback is strongly recommended.