Crimson_Sin

I have been heavy all of my life.  I didn’t know that I was any different than everyone else until I was in 3rd grade.  That’s when all of the teasing starting.  I wore size 13 before I was in 6th grade.  I was Heather Boar-is (Morris) to almost everyone in my class but my closest friends.  I learned to bottle my feelings in and never let anyone see me cry.  The tears were saved for when I was alone.  When I cried alone no one could see how much they hurt me.  Grade school and High School were extremely traumatic for me.  I never felt normal.  I would see people I know at stores and slowly move to the normal section so they couldn’t see me shopping in the plus size section to give them more things to tease me about. 
I would never go swimming without wearing a T-shirt over top.  I was always extremely active in sports.  I wanted to show everyone that just because I was a different size I was just as good as everyone else.  I was very good until Jr. Varsity Volleyball.  The team wanted to switch uniforms from shorts to underwear bottoms.   I quit that year because I know I couldn’t bear to be seen in the uniform. 
Another traumatic event was going to amusement parks.  I was always afraid about going with friends and if I couldn’t go on the rides with them how would I explain away that I was too big to go on the ride.  I always made myself busy when they would head towards a ride I knew I couldn’t fit on.
 I learned to be very good at hiding my feelings and avoiding anything that would put me socially in jeopardy.  I always consoled myself by saying because I survived how others treated me it would make me a stronger person. 
Now as an adult I have other people to think about.  I have an 8 year old and 10 year old.  My children are my world.  I have accepted that I will always be bigger than the average mother and taught my children not to tease others who are different than they are.  Now unfortunately they are dealing with other children teasing them about how big there mother is and trying to defend me.  I don’t want to be a burden to them or have them deal with that pressure at such a young age. 
I have dealt with my size all of my life and I have been comfortable with it because I have had to.  I have exercised daily and drank more water and still seemed to gain weight. I have tried diets such as the Mayo Clinic Diet, Atkins Diet, Weight Watchers and the Cabbage Soup Diet.  I have also tried Redux and had some success as well as taking ephedrine and having some success with that as well.  After stopping any weight loss system listed above the weight came back on with a vengeance and without trying.  I do not eat anything different that the person I am sitting next to but still I seem to gain weight. 
Everything listed above I have came to terms with and I have dealt with on my own.  My mother is also overweight but not to an obese stage (that I am aware of).  I have watched my grandmother be obese all her life.  She also tried eating just dried toast and tomatoes and still only managed to lose a few pounds.  She struggled with high blood pressure and could barely hold her weight standing up.  She also had problems breathing because of her size.  If she needed to walk up a small flight of stairs she would be extremely out of breath or need to take a break in the middle.  My grandmother was also very active and constantly kept busy but the weight would not come off.  In the end my grandmother died because of the high blood pressure and heart disease.  I am extremely scared that this fate awaits me.  In the past couple of years I have become extremely lethargic and could not complete a full day without feeling the need to take a nap in the middle of the day which is extremely problematic when you consider that I am a Postal Rural Carrier.  I have had no energy to try to exercise and I have shown signs of PCOS.  For two years I have constantly had my period other than 5-7 days during the month and then right back to having my period for another 3 weeks.  We (the doctors and I) have struggled to find out what has been happening to me.  I have gone on Mirena to see if that would help but unfortunately it did not.  The doctors also put me on blood pressure medication because my blood pressure was consistently above normal for years.  The medication has helped to level out my mood and migraines but it has also made me revisit my fear of dying and leaving my children at an early age.  High Blood pressure and the fact that my grandmother was obese was the main cause of her death.  After speaking with my mother, I also found out that high blood pressure and heart disease runs in both sides of the family and has caused the death of several of my relatives.
The reason I need this surgery is for my health and the security that I will be around in the future for my children.  I understand that this is not an overnight cure but a tool that I can use and that I will need to put in a lot of work and alter how I live my life from now on.  I am ready to make that change for myself, for my health and for my children.  My surgery was approved and my surgery is April 7th.  I think I am going to consider this my second birthday.