dana1230

I looked in the mirror one day in mid-2009 and was shocked to see how big I had gotten.  I had just come out of 9 months of drama with my family - learning my dad had been a secret alcoholic since he lost his vision to diabetes 9 years before, my mom threatening divorce, dad's rehab, and then my dad contracted viral meningitis and encephalitis and almost died.  It was weeks of ICU at UCLA - doctor's basically telling us to plan his funeral, watching my dad go out of his mind in pain, and then slowly coming out of it.  We were unsure he would ever recover to the point he wouldn't require constant care.  By a miracle of all miracles he recovered 100%.  While all of this went on I was dealing with a demanding career and my own medical issues stemming from a heel injury I sustained at the beginning of the year that made every step I took horrifically painful.It was only after everything died down that I actually saw myself in the mirror one day.  Jeans that used to be baggy on me now barely fit.  My face was huge and round.  My neck was disappearing.  My stomach was protruding beyond my breasts.  I realized that I had a year of free-for-all eating - justifying it because of the yucky year I was having.Upon reflection I realized that I likely had sleep apnea - my partner woke me up nightly to turn over.  I was unable to menstruate. I was unable to climb a flight of stairs without almost passing out.  At certain restaurants I had to wedge myself into the chair or booth.  I had pulled back socially - preferring to hide in the safety my house instead of let people see me.I have been heavy my entire adult life.  I've struggled and battled and mostly lost.  Moments of success were fleeting and I would put back any weight I took off almost immediately and then some.  I'd spent so much time in Weight Watchers meetings it was unbelievable.  I just couldn't do it anymore - I wasn't getting anywhere.I knew I had two options - give up or fight for my life.I realized I was starting to hate myself.  I realized my outside didn't reflect how I felt on the inside.  I realized nobody who knew me or saw me could actually SEE me.  I was hidden underneath all these layers.  Why I was hiding, I didn't know.  I decided to fight for my life.  Somewhere inside of myself I knew I had to get a handle on this.  Here I was - the 3rd high school graduate my family ever had, the first ever person in my family to get a college degree let alone three, a professional with the highest credential available in my field, I was sought after by a university to teach night classes - my educational and professional accomplishments were substantial.  But deep down I knew it could have been more and that my weight had held me back - held me back from promotions, held me back from getting positions I had applied for.  I thought "EVERYTHING I put my mind to I accomplish. I am smart. I am educated.  I am accomplished.  WHY CAN'T I LOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF?!?!"I knew I wanted to fight but I didn't know how. Everything I had tried I had failed at.  I felt lost.  I felt like I was swimming against a current that was stronger than me.  Suddenly I started to notice all of the commercials on TV for the Lap Band.  My interest was piqued.  I looked Lap Band up online. I was further intrigued by what I read.  My mom had gastric bypass about 20 years ago and the side effects she has experienced (smelly & loose stools, osteoporosis, dumping syndrome, iron deficiency, etc.) were enough to make me think bariatric surgery was not for me.  But Lap Band looked different.I saw there was a free informational session being offered in a few days.  I signed up for it and went - thinking it would probably be a waste of time.  I didn't think my insurance would pay for it.  At the seminar they discussed the Lap Band - the good, bad and ugly of it.  They also said if you have insurance they should pay and offered their insurance coordinator's services to find out what coverage I had.Excited and armed with more information I researched the Lap Band further. I made an appointment with Dr. Helmuth Billy's office after his insurance coordinator confirmed my insurance would cover 80% of the costs if approved.  I then proceeded through 4 months of pre-op appointments - nutritionist appointments, physical screenings, a sleep study, psychologist meetings, etc.  I told my family and friends of my plans.  Most were very supportive.  A few tried to discourage me off my path.  As the date drew closer my partner and I discussed how this would change our lives - both of us are overweight, but only I was going to get the band.  We knew this would stress our relationship.  We sought couples counseling to deal with the changes we knew were coming.With a BMI of 44, diagnosed sleep apnea, inability to menstruate, GERD and a history of failing at other weight loss programs my insurance company approved my application immediately.  On December 29, 2009 - one day before my 33rd birthday - I had my Lap Band surgery.  Dr. Billy found I also had a hiatal hernia and fixed that.  Initially I was going to be outpatient but Dr. Billy's patient advocate convinced me to stay overnight.  And thank goodness I did!  Getting up and down to go to the bathroom was horrendous!  The anesthesia made me extremely nauseous.The first two weeks after surgery I lost about a pound a day.  Once I started to go back on solid foods my weight loss has slowed down to an average of 2-3 pounds a week.  I've mostly been ecstatic with my decision but there are times when I ask myself why I did this to myself - usually when food doesn't go down and I am uncomfortable and spitting food back up.  This definitely isn't a fix-it or a miracle cure.  I have had to work at this almost every second of every day - tracking calories and protein, trying to get enough liquids in, food choices, exercise, WILL POWER.  All of these are the same struggles I've had before - but I am stronger because of my little helper in my body.  I'm no longer alone - my Lap Band is helping me every step of the way.  I haven't been perfect - but I have been doing really well.  I am motivated and excited.  This is my life  - and I'm saving it every day - one healthy choice at a time.As of today, March 15th I have lost 40 pounds.  I'm 33% of the way to my goal.  I've got a pile of clothes that are too big that need to be donated.  I'm wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear in over a year and they are starting to get baggy too.  People are starting to notice my weight loss and comment.  I'm starting to feel attractive and sexy and girly again.  I've got a spring in my step and I like glancing at mirrors when I walk by them again.Every day I get closer to my physical and mental images of myself matching up.  I'm excited for summer to come because I know I'll be able to get on the jet ski at the lake.  I'm excited to know that my 9 month old niece will never know her fat Auntie and that I'll be able to keep up with her and have a blast playing with her.I continue to work through my emotional issues behind my over eating with my therapist.  I've got a long way to go to resolving those issues - but I am no longer hiding.  I am facing them head on and working through them.I'm looking forward instead of looking down.  Life tastes good again - and I can't wait to go on the rest of my journey!