vanishingvixen

[8/12/10] I realized today as I was getting dressed that I always seem to go the “extra mile” when it comes to my appearance on days I go to the doctor. Today I meet w/my bariatric surgeon & dietician on the path forward. Sept 21 will be here before I know it! But back to appearance – it just dawned on me that I think I go all extra on days I know I’m going to the Fatty Doc, bc I feel like my “cute” will somehow overshadow my “fat” – which is often…or at least SOMEtimes the case in the real world. But at a bariatric Dr.’S office – they rarely see the “cute” – if at all, and mostly only see a person that they are glad had sense enough to do something major, about a major health crisis. *sigh* I’m good at being fat. Have been fat my entire life. And though after all is said & done a year from now, for all intents & purposes – I’ll still be a fat girl…but a lot healthier one (and 75-100 lighter). It didn’t hit me until today that this will most likely be my last “uncomfortable, morbidly obese, disgusted with myself and how big I’ve gotten” summer. This time next year – I won’t be so cramped in the metro seat as I blog by crackberry, ill be walking taller w/a lil more pep in my step, AND I will have ridden the rollercoasters that I haven’t been able to get on for the past 5 yrs – at least a thousand times. While still struggling with some future vanity concerns and how ill feel in my new body – I’m still excited. & optimistic that this was the best decision for ME. I know I’m cute (most of the time)…but for so long the magnitude of my good-lookigness has been overshadowed by my weight. Get. Ready. Here she comes… *doin my Geyonce dance* uh oh uh oh uh oh…

Greetingsssss!! I'm a newbie here - a transplant from the LapBand talk forum. Somewhere along the approval process, I decided to go with the VSG - and couldn't be more excited. My surgery date is 9/21 (Potomac Hospital in Woodbridge, VA. Dr. Denis Halmi). I'm required to do a 2 wk pre-op liquid fast (Opti Fast) that really has me nervous - wondering if I can cope (the 2wks post op should be a cake walk, all things considered) I'm really curious to hear other's stories who have had the surgery...and those on the path. My main blog is: The Vanishing Vixen - but I already know I'll be fairly active here. Looking forward to great things & new friends!

Amazing outlook. Slow & steady wins the race! Best of luck!

brought tears to my eyes. Rhis is wonderfully encouraging! Best of luck on your continued journey. My date is 9/21 - hoping for results as awesome as yours...

[7/13/10] Well folks – it’s official! I got the call on Friday that my insurance has approved me for surgery. As I mentioned, I’ve officially decided on the gastric sleeve vs. The lapband…and I’m confident that this IS the right decision for me. I’ve been blessed with a new lease on a healthier life – that won’t just benefit me – but my family! My nerves (a.k.a. The Vanity Monster) are already kicking in – but not even as it relates to the surgery itself. Still hella nervous about my “post” body and extra skin & such…but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I am really trying to wrap my mind around the fact that after all I’ve done over the years – that this is something that WILL get some of this weight off. My personal goal is only 75-100# – which is much less than what the surgeon would like – but I know where I will be comfortable weight-wise. The bonus to the sleeve vs. other tyes of WLS is the loss is slow & steady. The average is about 10 lbs/month which gives me/my body time to exercise/tone/adjust. *sigh* So much to think about. And knowing that I’ll be on liquids for 4 wks has kick started a “Last Supper” syndrome of me wanting to eat everything in sight. I really need to get a handle on myself – b/c I don’t want to throw away all that I’ve learned in the nutrition classes, and ruin this lifestyle change before it even gets going real good. Yeah, ill still be able to eat the stuff I love – just LOTS less of it…and probably not really getting to that point until the new year rolls around. It’s going to be a long, hard journey – because what I’ve learned thus far is that WLS is just a tool – not the be all end all of weight loss. Some folks have gained all of their weight back, or not even gotten a significan amount off. I must stay the course…my life depends on it. Ill remain true to the original intent of this blog – now that on Sept 21 – I will begin the hardest part of my transformation. Thanks to all who have supported & encouraged. And thanks to those that haven’t been so supportive. Its don’t nothing but make me want this more. Get ready yall …Geyonce is (almost) in the building. *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*

[3/28/10] Sometimes I wonder what miscellaneous people see when they look at me. Are they disgusted by my appearence as much as I am lately? Like, admittedly, when I see someone fat (my size on upwards of 4 or 500lbs): I wonder if there sturggles w/food have been like mine, I wonder how they feel about themselves, and wonder if they are as uncomfortable as I have been (physically, in terms of knee/hip/foot pain, exhaustion, etc) But most of all, I wonder if they have ever reached the end of their rope w/their weight/health or if they are content with being that way. I ask, b/c I know that some folks enjoy being overweight (ie: the lady recenty who aiming at trying to be 1200 lbs or something so assinine) I’m not judging. And this is not intended to sound/read as such – I’m just curious about peoples lives…and if, like me, they too are just as fed up with being (so) fat & out of shape…but don’t know what to do about it. I know people probably look at me on the Metro when I’m about to take a seat next to them thinking “noooooooo, I don’t want that fat broad squeezing me into the seat!!”. I’m very aware of peoples reactions…and it hurts. I just wonder if it affects anyone like it has affected me. And further – at what point do you decide to do something about your health. Being fat I could care lass about. IF I could be fat (morbidly obese is a less pretty term for the truth) AND healthy at this size…ok. But I think it’s physically impossible to be over a certain weight and not have any health issues (present & future) associated with it. Some folks are just riding down the river called denial. I know for me I wasn’t particularly in denial – its just that everything I tried never lasted long term, and I grew sick of feeling like crap about myself – especially over the past year. I don’t want to become one of those folks that acts (seems to act) like I’m so much more enlightened because I’ve decided to do something about my health – because that’s ALL this is about for me. But I wonder if people really know where they stand in terms of mortality. I’ll put it this way – there is NO food good enough, no alcoholic beverage tasty enough…for me to remain in my current state. I need help trying to shave some years off the death sentance I’ve given myself over the past 2 decades, and pray that the Insurance “Mayor” makes the Lapband surgery an easy pardon. I’m at my wits end. Add to it married life, motherhood, 9-5 job, jewelry biz…I’m damn near ready to throw myself (and a few other select ppl) off the Woodrow Wilson bridge. But its only a matter of time. Change come soon – I bring it!

[3/11/10] Vanishing Vixen. Vanishing… An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker… as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already…as if I plan to “vanish” into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I’m so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the “big”) that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off. *really ruminating & marinating on the implications* I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous (most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I’m a MAC Make-up artist, or I’m rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels…what woman wouldn’t want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* ) Go figure. But… $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous…I just haven’t been feeling it as much lately. *shrug* It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I’m in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc. Why is that? The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less. I’m a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new “MeMe” (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I’m ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it – let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game – in more ways than one. So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few “ah ha!” moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again* IDK… Is it even really that serious? *lol* I’m hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can’t get out of my own head. But that doesn’t make me crazy…it makes me human. And blogging it…helps me *relax.relate.release* it all. I’m not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is…and I am who I am. And what I’ve realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally “seem” to have their $h!t together…don’t. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me. But nobody did [ask]… Oh well! I’m keeping on…keeping on…

If you care to veiw the blogs I've wwritten along the way...Feel free! http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com

[3/6/10] Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN. It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents – especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids. My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate…but I caught the looks of other parents – at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of…pity. I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child – yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed…for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler. Now, in my defense – GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G’ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn’t mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I’ve seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface* I’m on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I’m overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image…which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now. I’m on my way to a better life…and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won’t remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees…but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her. IDK…reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way...

Greetings all! I'm a newbie - and a transplant from the LapBand talk forum. I started my journey on March 1 of this year - and have since decided to go with the gastric sleeve since it's now approved by my insurance company. I'll be posting a few of my previous blogs, as well as some new ones. Dig in! (original blog date Feb 2010) 10/2009 Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like. Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug* With that said… I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago. 8/2008 *smh kinda confused* Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it… Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do?? 9/2002 I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now. I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good. I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited. I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there. 1/2010 Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life. Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*

I realized today as I was getting dressed that I always seem to go the “extra mile” when it comes to my appearance on days I go to the doctor. Today I meet w/my bariatric surgeon & dietician on the path forward. Sept 21 will be here before I know it! But back to appearance – it just dawned on me that I think I go all extra on days I know I’m going to the Fatty Doc, bc I feel like my “cute” will somehow overshadow my “fat” – which is often…or at least SOMEtimes the case in the real world. But at a bariatric Dr.’S office – they rarely see the “cute” – if at all, and mostly only see a person that they are glad had sense enough to do something major, about a major health crisis. *sigh* I’m good at being fat. Have been fat my entire life. And though after all is said & done a year from now, for all intents & purposes – I’ll still be a fat girl…but a lot healthier one (and 75-100 lighter). It didn’t hit me until today that this will most likely be my last “uncomfortable, morbidly obese, disgusted with myself and how big I’ve gotten” summer. This time next year – I won’t be so cramped in the metro seat as I blog by crackberry, ill be walking taller w/a lil more pep in my step, AND I will have ridden the rollercoasters that I haven’t been able to get on for the past 5 yrs – at least a thousand times. While still struggling with some future vanity concerns and how ill feel in my new body – I’m still excited. & optimistic that this was the best decision for ME. I know I’m cute (most of the time)…but for so long the magnitude of my good-lookigness has been overshadowed by my weight. Get. Ready. Here she comes… *doin my Geyonce dance* uh oh uh oh uh oh…