vanishingvixen

*entering the room dancing to Destiny's Child singing "I don't think ya readdddy fa this jelllllyyyy"* Ok, so. I know that I have some concerns about my post-weight loss body. But realistically, looking at me bucket nayket now aint no picnic either :thumbup: (maybe for my husband, bless him wittle heart). I know I can’t stand too much of my own self. Things jiggle and sag and weeble-wobble now. So, I’m not naïve enough to think that just because I lose some poundage, means that I’m gonna turn into Beyonce…Gee’once, maybe *smirk*, but I digress… ALTHOUGH, in my mind…I’ve fast-forwarded about a year or so. And I can actually SEE a smaller, more healthy me. :thumbup:I’ve never been there before. And mayhaps that was the problem. *shrug* What I do know, is my saggalicious, droopylicious self is STILL gonna revel in how far I’ve come & gone. Ill hook up the breasticles in a new LB balconette bra and make them shine like the stars they are. I’ll coax the SPANX that ill have to sweet talk into undertaking the monumental task of turning “flab into fab”. Buy a new figure-friendly LBD, and perhaps I may be able to throw on a pair of sexy high heels long enough to turn a few heads and strut the “Skank [Ho] Walk” I learned in my Urban Striptease workout (gotta love On Demand cable program. Exercise TV is awesomeness) *head nod* :rolleyes:Yup. I justttttt miiiight. Btw – my bosslady (who also has WLS and looks fabulous) said to *possibly* expect the ending or stressing of friendships/familial relationships and possible spousal jealousy. *exaggerated sigh* I really have been blessed in terms of my family & friends, so I don’t anticipate that area being an issue for me. But I guess any & everything is possible. Prayerfully those in my corner will stay there – even when I’m too high off my own supply *innocent grin* I know my tried & true peeps will chin-check me quick & without hesitation *lol* This whole experience is reminding me of when I was with-child. So excited and anticipatory. Wondering “when am I gonna see my baby bump” “when can I finally hold my baby”. All that stuff I worried everyone to death about…and then one day: bam – She was here! The only thing that’s different is that this experience will end with a REbirth…of self. Saggy. Jiggly. Jellified. So, yeah. I’m ready. But I’m not certain the world is.*pondering for a brief moment* NaHhhhh. I don’t think ANY one is ready fa THIS jelly.

**enters the room singing to the tune of Whitney’s “So emotional”: I get sooooo emotional baybe, everytime I think of FOOOOOOOOOD! ** Happy Friday faithful few - Yesterday was an emotional doozy. At least the last half was. That tends to happen when things are really going well. When I’m mentally & spiritually focused and on my grind. But such as life. The devil is a micky-flickin LIYAH!! *tripple dawg daring him to even THINK about looking my way today* He gets NO play over here. :thumbdown: This here post will serve as a reminder that no matter the circumstances, I (we) can make better food choices. It bears repeating that I am mostly a total emotional eater. In order to stay my course, I have to break that cycle. (more like forcing myself into submission via suplex, then headlock) See, for me – here’s how it works for me: quite simply…if I don’t keep it in the house (ie: snack cakes, junkfood, unhealthy snacks, soda, whatever) I can’t get to it when $h!t goes down. If I keep healthier foods in the house, I won’t sabatoge myself when I’m on a mad dash to shove something in my mouth in an effort to self-soothe. :tt1: It sounds really simple, huh? Not so much. But in theory, its what I know will work for me. If its not there, I can’t gorge/graze on it. If I just HAVE to put something in my mouth, it will be something that I know won’t totally derail me. Besides, I’ve found there are plenty of treats to sate my oral fixation & sweet tooth. Fudgepops are one good indulgence (its not my fault it shaped like a phallus, but hey that could be considered a benefit *shrug*) :tt2: Low fat. And/or fat free at 40-60 cals a pop. Even if I eat 3 (which I haven’t *lol*) no skin off my teeth. And also those 100 mini bags of stuff likr choco pretzels, or cookies, or what have you. I’m no expert, but I DAMN sure know that a night like last night would have sent me running back into my ex-Lover’s arms. :drool: Me & some cupcakes or a whole quart of ice cream would have be getting. It. IN. *going churchified* But I rebuke thee, oh Devils of Deliciousness. Get thee behind me, Little Debbie, you Jezebel! You Harlot! Woooosahhhh. :closedeyes: It all alright. I woke up this morning feeling good. I know that there will be plenty more opportunities for me to screw up. But yesterday wasn’t the day. (And today won’t be either *hmph*)

I appreciate the feedback. There is lots more I have to say, but if I wrote EVERYthing I was really thinking they'd probably delete my account, so i'm working on couth *straightface then lol* My main blog allows me to cut loose, but here I try to act like a lady *ahem*. Writing is theraputic for me. And no doubt will be my biggest catalyst to stay the course...

ok, y'all are making me nervous... *biting nails* Although I've read alot of posts on this site and heard raving reviews about the lap band. I'm scared that it may not work for me. Or something. IDK...

I CANT WAIT until I put on my Geyonce *uh oh uh oh* dress. My birthday just passed, but next year? WOOT! Your posts remind me alot of... ME. *lol*

gotta laught to keep from crying sometimes *lol* This certain helps me feel my way thru and put things into perspective. Your words are encouring. Thanks!!

**enters the room singing to the tune of Whitney’s “So emotional”: I get sooooo emotional baybe, everytime I think of FOOOOOOOOOD! ** Happy Friday faithful few - Yesterday was an emotional doozy. At least the last half was. That tends to happen when things are really going well. When I’m mentally & spiritually focused and on my grind. But such as life. The devil is a micky-flickin LIYAH!! *tripple dawg daring him to even THINK about looking my way today* He gets NO play over here. This here post will serve as a reminder that no matter the circumstances, I (we) can make better food choices. It bears repeating that I am mostly a total emotional eater. In order to stay my course, I have to break that cycle. (more like forcing myself into submission via suplex, then headlock) See, for me – here’s how it works for me: quite simply…if I don’t keep it in the house (ie: snack cakes, junkfood, unhealthy snacks, soda, whatever) I can’t get to it when $h!t goes down. If I keep healthier foods in the house, I won’t sabatoge myself when I’m on a mad dash to shove something in my mouth in an effort to self-soothe. :biggrin: It sounds really simple, huh? Not so much. But in theory, its what I know will work for me. If its not there, I can’t gorge/graze on it. If I just HAVE to put something in my mouth, it will be something that I know won’t totally derail me. Besides, I’ve found there are plenty of treats to sate my oral fixation & sweet tooth. Fudgepops are one good indulgence (its not my fault it shaped like a phallus, but hey that could be considered a benefit *shrug*) :huh2: Low fat. And/or fat free at 40-60 cals a pop. Even if I eat 3 (which I haven’t *lol*) no skin off my teeth. And also those 100 mini bags of stuff likr choco pretzels, or cookies, or what have you. I’m no expert, but I DAMN sure know that a night like last night would have sent me running back into my ex-Lover’s arms. :cool: Me & some cupcakes or a whole quart of ice cream would have be getting. It. IN. *going churchified* But I rebuke thee, oh Devils of Deliciousness. Get thee behind me, Little Debbie, you Jezebel! You Harlot! Woooosahhhh. :thumbup: It all alright. I woke up this morning feeling good. I know that there will be plenty more opportunities for me to screw up. But yesterday wasn’t the day. (And today won’t be either *hmph*)

It was a long night. 50/11grillion things running thru my head. A plethora of feelings and mixed emotions. Very little sleep. I’m having 2nd and 3rd and 4th thoughts about this entire thing. Yet another reason I decided to blog the journey – accountability. And the fact that once I let the blogosphere know my plans, by obligation and not wanting to looking foolish, I know ill persevere. what will become me?? I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a lot of my concerns are about vanity. What the man in my life will think of my appearance sans clothes in a year from now. After all, he’s been here with me thru the thick of it. Or fat of it, as it were. I’ve gained about 30lbs since we met… most post-baby. (Ironically, so has he) But for the most part, I pretty much look the same. He’s used to my fluff. And he’s a boobman. The fullness of my breasts (which happen to be my 2nd best feature – the first is my awesome firely red mane!) are bound to be the first thing to go. There may be some hope for them, because even at my smallest, I’ve been busty…but I somehow doubt they’ll shrink up “nice & perky” (from training bra to C-cup over the course of a summer…and from there, I rested comfortably at a full D/DD until the last few years as I’ve picked up weight). I’ve seen & heard what happens to the boobs when you lose a lot of weight, and I’m not looking forward to it. There. I said it! *eyeroll* Now, the other part of my body where I carry the most weight is my thighs. I shutter to think what will become of them aesthetically. But it will be kinda nice to wear a pair of stockings/tights without the burning of my delicate thigh meat from the incessant rubbing together as I walk. I might even be able to cross my legs all lady-like for the first time. A definite bonus! But, will I look like a 97 year old woman? Of course Bertha the Belly is bound to go missing. But will she go missing hanging down around my knee caps is the question. *face twisted* I know. I know. I KNOW that this is about health. But my own thoughts about this process are leading me to want to do a lot more research on the mental/emotional space of folks who have lost a drastic amount of weight. I know I’ve gained roughly 50-75lbs over the span of 10 yrs. And it will be nice to be back down to a “respectable” size. But will I be depressed because my body won’t look the same as I did back then? I’m pretty solid. I don’t have a big Buddha belly. I’m compact. Fairly proportionate. And until I blasted my weight for the whole world to see, most folk don’t have a clue I weigh so much. So I’d like to think that I carry it “well”. But how “well” will I be carrying this smaller figure 365 days from now? That remains to be seen… All I know is I need to go ahead and buy some stock in the company that sells SPANX, because imma be a foundation/compression wearin fool. *hmmmmm* Maybe if I wear those for the duration of the process, it will help my skin be tighter? Just a thought. Though ill miss my days of traipsing around the house butterballbooty bucketnayket…a smaller me, may make for a more modest me. But somehow I doubt it! *lol*

WOOOOOSAAAAAAAH! I needed to hear this! Thank you! I didn't think it was just me... I honestly think my husband is having some of his own feelings about the future "new me". Almost like insecurity? IDK...he'll just have to get over himself though, won't he? *lol*

Today, my love affair with food ended. He has always been the one constant in my life. And like any other relationship I've had, we'll probably try to make it work a few more times, before it resonates in my spirit that... it. is. indeed. OVER. Not because I want it to be, but because it HAS to be. *sigh*What once consumed almost every thought & desire...will give way to a new, enlightened way of thinking, living, and being. Health, is my NEW man. The lover of my soul and my future. Gone will be the days of secretly spooning in the bed with and entire bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion chips, or making out with my homegirl Lil' Deb *holla*. I'll have to pass on the cupcakeS, and be content with just one, on occasion - Not the 3 or 4 or 7 a week as I have done in the past. And like any relationship when it ends, I have to look at myself in the mirror as a newly "single" woman, wipe away the tears, and acknowledge how difficult the road ahead would be without my tried & true Lover. Food has been there at the ready to comfort me through it all: the heartache, the heart break, disappointments, and even the times of celebration. But now, I have to learn to put the relationship in it's proper place: one of necessity, not over-indulgence... One of sustenance, not sabotage. Of course, I still have to meet up with food - a more casual relationship of sorts. I just can no longer take it as my "one & only". *sigh* It's been a long time coming. 15 years or more. It was inevitable. And no matter how I've tried to fight it, I knew that at some point in life I would have to choose. I'll take an infamous line from Samantha Jones here (Sex & The City, SHEESH!): [Dear Food,] "I love you...But I love ME more." *xoxo* Yours in Health & Fabulousness, Vixen

Today, my love affair with food ended. He has always been the one constant in my life. And like any other relationship I've had, we'll probably try to make it work a few more times, before it resonates in my spirit that... it. is. indeed. OVER. Not because I want it to be, but because it HAS to be. *sigh*What once consumed almost every thought & desire...will give way to a new, enlightened way of thinking, living, and being. Health, is my NEW man. The lover of my soul and my future. Gone will be the days of secretly spooning in the bed with and entire bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion chips, or making out with my homegirl Lil' Deb *holla*. I'll have to pass on the cupcakeS, and be content with just one, on occasion - Not the 3 or 4 or 7 a week as I have done in the past. And like any relationship when it ends, I have to look at myself in the mirror as a newly "single" woman, wipe away the tears, and acknowledge how difficult the road ahead would be without my tried & true Lover. Food has been there at the ready to comfort me through it all: the heartache, the heart break, disappointments, and even the times of celebration. But now, I have to learn to put the relationship in it's proper place: one of necessity, not over-indulgence... One of sustenance, not sabotage. Of course, I still have to meet up with food - a more casual relationship of sorts. I just can no longer take it as my "one & only". *sigh* It's been a long time coming. 15 years or more. It was inevitable. And no matter how I've tried to fight it, I knew that at some point in life I would have to choose. I'll take an infamous line from Samantha Jones here (Sex & The City, SHEESH!): [Dear Food,] "I love you...But I love ME more." *xoxo* Yours in Health & Fabulousness, Vixen

I wondered initially if blogging would be a waste of time/energy/cyberspace. But in addition to the comments here, the msgs I’ve received have only fueled my desire to make my self more transparent. I think half the battle *for me* will be accountability. Holding myself accountable for my decisions, and having others lovingly do so as well. I think if I would have been more forthright and open in my past “attempts”, they maybe they would have been a little more successful. Obviously, its still very early in my journey. But I’m determined and inspired. The fact that I’m literally forced to lose at least SOME weight on my own before being approved for surgery, only makes me want it all the more. And of course, jump starts the necessary changes for my new life. No matter what happens from here on out, this time net year, I WILL be a new person. Inside and out. I gaaah-runnn-teeee! Thanks for riding it out w/me… P.S. I'm doing an untraditional food journal via my main blog. Check me out! vanishingvixen.wordpress.com

GREAT NEWS! Today I got word from the surgical center that they ran my insurance and Aetna will pay for Bariatric surgery. :thumbup: I will have a 3-6 month "processing" (ie: jumping thru hoops) time. I also found out that the facility is on my insurance providers "in network" list, so I'm covered @ 85%. *sigh of relief* Now, my goal is 75-100lbs, BUT my Dr’s recommendation is at least 150lbs based on my height. (Im still in my feelings about being smaller than what weight *I* personally would feel comfortable at) Good thing is that factor is exactly why he said he’ll push the surgery for me should any roadblocks arise, even if to just get me to MY target before he continues working with me to get to his. I’m hoping that little detail works in my favor. If I’m forced to take the 6mnth route, I will be able to knock off some out of pocket expenses for sure, but that means that surgery won’t take place until around October. THAT, I'm a little disappointed about. I really was hoping to be lined up for surgery 90-120 days from now. For the first time EVER I can “see” my success. I’ve never been at that place before. So, if I just take it one day at a time, its easier for me to see it thru. I’m committed. I’m excited. I’m ready to get it in, and get this weight OFF. Portion Control is a B!t@h!!! Although I technically don’t start on the “Dr. observed diet” for a few more weeks, I figured I needed to be proactive so that my Big Girl stomach doesn’t go into shock. As of yesterday, I started being mindful of control my portions – which for me is going to be the hardest. That, and pulling out my “sweet tooth” :thumbup: Decreasing the fatty foods and increasing the Water will be a cake walk, in comparison. Now, until my stomach begins shrinking on its own (which will undoubtedly take a few weeks), I need to figure out how to eat enough of the right foods to leave my appetite happy without obliterating what it is that I’m trying to do. I’m looking at adopting some good recipes & such, as well as food journaling. But I’d like to hear from the good people that have been successful. Particularly in the area of portion control. What say you??

I definately appreciate the encouragement. I am littereally so excited that I have been on a high all morning. I feel like this is possible for me...So many years I've felt like "I can't do it"...but now, I'm determined. Not just for me, but for my family. My life depends on it!

Thank you SOOOO much for this post. It gave me some much needed encouragement and inspiration! Best of luck to you!!

Today was full of highs & lows. Certainty & uncertainty. Hope & doubt. I had my physical exam to try and set things off on the right foot. Especially since I know that Dr. monitored weight loss is part of the deal when it comes to getting to the surgery date. I found out I have a “mild” heart murmur, which did not please the queen at. ALL. But the good thing is that my doc said he will try to help the process along as much as possible. I also went to my first meeting at the Fat Surgeon’s office. *straightface* (some of the BIGGEST waiting room chairs I’ve EVER seen. And a “cattle” scale to boot.) GREAT info session that provided me with info that I hadn’t thought about. I may ultimately decide to take a route other than the Lap Band – totally dependent on what is/isn’t covered by my insurance -but at this point, I’m going with my gut. (no pun intended) So, maybe I just need to chalk it up to my own ignorance…but the process leading to actually scheduling the surgery is ALOT longer than I anticipated. Granted, I have limited first hand knowledge, and everyone’s experience is different. But, I was told [in general] to expect a 3 month (best case) to 1 year (worst case) wait before my actual surgery date. Of course there are 100/50/11 tons of paperwork, and testing, and evaluations, and re-DUNK-ulous insurance “stuff” to be handled. Hell, my insurance may not even approve it. (tho according to the requirements for candidacy, I’m a shoe-in). I am starting to get concerned about the possibility that I may be denied. Which will leave me at big, fat, square one. I did find that I’ll be able to utilize some of my own resources (ie: my own doctors) to get some of the pre-requisites accomplished (psyche eval, medical clearance, etc). But I also found that to land on the closer end of the surgery date spectrum (for me, best case is looking like a September surgery date) I could do a “one stop shop” at the surgical facility. Bad news is that will add on some out-of-pocket costs on my end. *sigh* What to do, what to do? (tho im not even sure I’ll even have a say – I gotta see what Aetna is talking about first.) What I *DO* know is: I grossly underestimated how convoluted the process is for me to go from my dream to my destiny. Admittedly, I left there feeling a little discouraged. All of the what-if’s and uncertainty is like’ta give me a friggen anxiety attack.I have my “official” consultation – my own personal path forward – scheduled for March 15. Things should be clearer by then. On another note: Day 1 of operation Skinny Cow (an oxymoron, I know. A cow can only be so skinny. I get it. But it seemed to fit my mood today *lol*)I think I’ll make my food journal entries separate from here on out. Just consider today a 2 for 1 special. Starting point: 300# Fatty Girl Food Journal: Bowl of Life Cereal w/soy milk small slice cheese pizza 1/2 grilled chicken quesedilla w/low fat cheese 1 fudge pop (a surprisingly good treat @ only 60 calories!) fresh apple juice I feel pretty full, but my daily diet leaves alot to be desired. I’ll have to consume more food/healthy snacks spread out over the course of the day. But seriously, just looking at it – this is a STELLAR performance for me considering… I definitely need to work in more water, alot less juice, and add some veggies. No problem. Today was just one of those kinds of days. Btu I’m proud. *yawn* It’s been a long day. I’m calling it a night… Maybe my outlook will be better in the morning. Time to take it to God in prayer! What’s meant to be…WILL!

Today was full of highs & lows. Certainty & uncertainty. Hope & doubt. I had my physical exam to try and set things off on the right foot. Especially since I know that Dr. monitored weight loss is part of the deal when it comes to getting to the surgery date. I found out I have a “mild” heart murmur, which did not please the queen at. ALL. But the good thing is that my doc said he will try to help the process along as much as possible. I also went to my first meeting at the Fat Surgeon’s office. *straightface* (some of the BIGGEST waiting room chairs I’ve EVER seen. And a “cattle” scale to boot.) GREAT info session that provided me with info that I hadn’t thought about. I may ultimately decide to take a route other than the Lap Band – totally dependent on what is/isn’t covered by my insurance -but at this point, I’m going with my gut. (no pun intended) So, maybe I just need to chalk it up to my own ignorance…but the process leading to actually scheduling the surgery is ALOT longer than I anticipated. Granted, I have limited first hand knowledge, and everyone’s experience is different. But, I was told [in general] to expect a 3 month (best case) to 1 year (worst case) wait before my actual surgery date. Of course there are 100/50/11 tons of paperwork, and testing, and evaluations, and re-DUNK-ulous insurance “stuff” to be handled. Hell, my insurance may not even approve it. (tho according to the requirements for candidacy, I’m a shoe-in). I am starting to get concerned about the possibility that I may be denied. Which will leave me at big, fat, square one. I did find that I’ll be able to utilize some of my own resources (ie: my own doctors) to get some of the pre-requisites accomplished (psyche eval, medical clearance, etc). But I also found that to land on the closer end of the surgery date spectrum (for me, best case is looking like a September surgery date) I could do a “one stop shop” at the surgical facility. Bad news is that will add on some out-of-pocket costs on my end. *sigh* What to do, what to do? (tho im not even sure I’ll even have a say – I gotta see what Aetna is talking about first.) What I *DO* know is: I grossly underestimated how convoluted the process is for me to go from my dream to my destiny. Admittedly, I left there feeling a little discouraged. All of the what-if’s and uncertainty is like’ta give me a friggen anxiety attack.I have my “official” consultation – my own personal path forward – scheduled for March 15. Things should be clearer by then. On another note: Day 1 of operation Skinny Cow (an oxymoron, I know. A cow can only be so skinny. I get it. But it seemed to fit my mood today *lol*)I think I’ll make my food journal entries separate from here on out. Just consider today a 2 for 1 special. Starting point: 300# Fatty Girl Food Journal: Bowl of Life Cereal w/soy milk small slice cheese pizza 1/2 grilled chicken quesedilla w/low fat cheese 1 fudge pop (a surprisingly good treat @ only 60 calories!) fresh apple juice I feel pretty full, but my daily diet leaves alot to be desired. I’ll have to consume more food/healthy snacks spread out over the course of the day. But seriously, just looking at it – this is a STELLAR performance for me considering… I definitely need to work in more water, alot less juice, and add some veggies. No problem. Today was just one of those kinds of days. Btu I’m proud. *yawn* It’s been a long day. I’m calling it a night… Maybe my outlook will be better in the morning. Time to take it to God in prayer! What’s meant to be…WILL!

www.twitter.com/starrdusstt www.twitter.com/vanishingvixen OH yeah - I'm also a jewelry artist. This will be a great benefit during my journey as I need to divert my attention from food...I can refocus on my craft. check me out! :rolleyes2: www.ggxjewels.com

I plan too - actually, I cross-post from my main blog: vanishingvixen.wordpress.com

www.twitter.com/starrdusstt www.twitter.com/vanishingvixen OH yeah - I'm also a jewelry artist. This will be a great benefit during my journey as I need to divert my attention from food...I can refocus on my craft. check me out! :biggrin: www.ggxjewels.com

What is it about food that can cause some people to become totally addicted to it, while others have a perfectly normal (even sometimes disconnected association) relationship with it? I’m an emotional eater. When I’m happy, sad, angry, excited, depressed…I look for something to put into my mouth that will help me process or celebrate said emotions. I love the taste, the texture, the smell, the appeal…of some good food. I LOVE FOOD. (Obviously. Have you seen me?) But I absolutely abhor what I’ve allowed it to do to me/my appearance/my health. But WHY I love food so, I don’t really know. Yesterday I went to Medieval times for my birthday dinner. Standard fare there? An entire HALF of a roasted chicken, spare rib, half of a roasted potato, garlic bread, bowl of soup & an apple turnover. THIS is what they serve for just one person. (Is there any wonder why most ppl in the US are overweight?? *sigh*) While I thoroughly enjoyed the grub, I’m happy to say that i only ate about HALF of what was served. I feel like I’m mentally preparing myself by seriously re-considering my food choices & portions..which is a good thing. I also have a 30-day supply of slim-shots in the mail, that should help with this jump-start diet that will be required of me. enroute to Medieval Times to grub That’s tomorrow. TODAY? I’m gonna eat like the fat girl that I am. For the LAST time, I will make food my love-slave. I’ll make love to some bacon, and give pasta some good head…I’ll fondle some chocolate, and make-out with a Martini. I understand that starting tomorrow, the way I relate to food will have to change (tho strangely, I think in my head, I “get it”…I just decided to allow myself to have what I wanted this weekend. I haven’t gone anywhere near as overboard as I thought I would or have even desired to. go figure!) I just haven’t totally figured out how to go from having a love affair with food, to putting that relationship in it’s proper place: sustenance, nutrition, and necessity. That, by far, is the most challenging aspect of this entire thing. Eating to live…not living to eat. Now there’s a novel idea *smirk*