wootsie73

What a mess things have been for the last few weeks. Even though the time has actually passed quickly, I feel very trapped and alone these days. I have made the decision not to live with my daughter because of some very major religious differences we have developed over the past year, so now I have to worry about getting my stuff out of the storage she hasn't been paying for! Hopefully, I haven't lost everything I've worked my entire adult life to get. Who knows about her. Plus, I'm so sick of being left here by myself to take care of the puppies all the time. Why does Dezz do this to me? I wonder if she even cares about me at all sometimes. She wants to spend all of her time with Donovan, who I think is sooooooooooo bad for her. Plus the fact that I'm sick doesn't help matters at all. I've been really depressed for the past couple of weeks for some reason. Donny has hurt me deeply and I don't think he even realizes what's he's doing. He has started chasing this 35 year old waitress and buying her gifts and buying her roses and stuff. It's very obvious he is falling for her and it hurts me, because I still talk to him all the time, but she's all he ever talks about. I think I made a huge mistake when I wrote him that letter. He denied he meant anything he had said to me or Dezz, so I don't know if he's in denial about his feelings for me, or if he just doesn't give a shit about how I feel at all. He seems to get pleasure from hurting my feelings, which really really bothers me. I don't know if I should just stop talking to him or what to do. I called Donna, his sister I've been friends with for years, last night and vented and cried my eyes out on the phone with her for a couple of hours. Sometimes I wish she had never introduced me to him at all! It gets so freaking old being the friend, but never the girl friend. Sometimes I ask God what I ever did to deserve this. I feel like a prisoner in my own body and I can't get out and let anyone know the real me anymore. I don't know where I've gone, but I am desparate to find myself again. All I seem to be is someone's mom, aunt, daughter, or friend. It's like I don't exist to myself at all. I know it's not a dream because it hurts to bad to be a dream. And on top of that, I haven't heard from Steve, which makes me feel even more stupid to think that someone besides my family could love me or even care about me for that matter. I've gained back half of the weight I lost this summer and it makes me hate myself even more. I was working so hard and making progress, then bam, it was over. Plus, I'm smoking full-time again and I'm back on my blood pressure medicine. I have to see Dr Rivera Friday and he is going to throw a fit! Why do I continue to do this to myself. Is it that I don't really want to lose the weight, or is that I'm afraid of getting hurt even worse if I do? I guess I need to be in therapy like Dr. Hutson told me this week to figure these things out. I'm just so lost, I don't know how to find myself. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in February, but how am I going to survive until then? So many questions and no answers at this point..... Dr Provost's seminar is Tuesday, so I kinda have a little something to look forward to. I hope I get to meet him and learn more about what I can do to help get the surgery faster. I'm just wondering at this point if the surgery is going to help me with the state of mind I'm in. Hopefully, I will get this whatever it is causing this, under control before I have my surgery. I am going back to Amarillo next week, but I have no idea why. I'm not in any mental state to try and discuss all of this stuff with Donny right now. It's weird that we went to Amarillo just last weekend and I saw him on Sunday. Now, I feel like he's someone I don't even know. Is it him, or is it me? Dr Hutson said she thought I might be bipolar like Dezz and that might answer some of these questions for me. Hell, I don't know what is going to happen with it, but I know I have got to get control of my life again. I think I'm on the verge of losing it, and that really scares me. I feel like I should be crying out for help, but who would listen to me anyway? I would probably just be told to get over it and go on anyway, so why bother telling anyone about it? Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...........

What a mess things have been for the last few weeks. Even though the time has actually passed quickly, I feel very trapped and alone these days. I have made the decision not to live with my daughter because of some very major religious differences we have developed over the past year, so now I have to worry about getting my stuff out of the storage she hasn't been paying for! Hopefully, I haven't lost everything I've worked my entire adult life to get. Who knows about her. Plus, I'm so sick of being left here by myself to take care of the puppies all the time. Why does Dezz do this to me? I wonder if she even cares about me at all sometimes. She wants to spend all of her time with Donovan, who I think is sooooooooooo bad for her. Plus the fact that I'm sick doesn't help matters at all. I've been really depressed for the past couple of weeks for some reason. Donny has hurt me deeply and I don't think he even realizes what's he's doing. He has started chasing this 35 year old waitress and buying her gifts and buying her roses and stuff. It's very obvious he is falling for her and it hurts me, because I still talk to him all the time, but she's all he ever talks about. I think I made a huge mistake when I wrote him that letter. He denied he meant anything he had said to me or Dezz, so I don't know if he's in denial about his feelings for me, or if he just doesn't give a shit about how I feel at all. He seems to get pleasure from hurting my feelings, which really really bothers me. I don't know if I should just stop talking to him or what to do. I called Donna, his sister I've been friends with for years, last night and vented and cried my eyes out on the phone with her for a couple of hours. Sometimes I wish she had never introduced me to him at all! It gets so freaking old being the friend, but never the girl friend. Sometimes I ask God what I ever did to deserve this. I feel like a prisoner in my own body and I can't get out and let anyone know the real me anymore. I don't know where I've gone, but I am desparate to find myself again. All I seem to be is someone's mom, aunt, daughter, or friend. It's like I don't exist to myself at all. I know it's not a dream because it hurts to bad to be a dream. And on top of that, I haven't heard from Steve, which makes me feel even more stupid to think that someone besides my family could love me or even care about me for that matter. I've gained back half of the weight I lost this summer and it makes me hate myself even more. I was working so hard and making progress, then bam, it was over. Plus, I'm smoking full-time again and I'm back on my blood pressure medicine. I have to see Dr Rivera Friday and he is going to throw a fit! Why do I continue to do this to myself. Is it that I don't really want to lose the weight, or is that I'm afraid of getting hurt even worse if I do? I guess I need to be in therapy like Dr. Hutson told me this week to figure these things out. I'm just so lost, I don't know how to find myself. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in February, but how am I going to survive until then? So many questions and no answers at this point..... Dr Provost's seminar is Tuesday, so I kinda have a little something to look forward to. I hope I get to meet him and learn more about what I can do to help get the surgery faster. I'm just wondering at this point if the surgery is going to help me with the state of mind I'm in. Hopefully, I will get this whatever it is causing this, under control before I have my surgery. I am going back to Amarillo next week, but I have no idea why. I'm not in any mental state to try and discuss all of this stuff with Donny right now. It's weird that we went to Amarillo just last weekend and I saw him on Sunday. Now, I feel like he's someone I don't even know. Is it him, or is it me? Dr Hutson said she thought I might be bipolar like Dezz and that might answer some of these questions for me. Hell, I don't know what is going to happen with it, but I know I have got to get control of my life again. I think I'm on the verge of losing it, and that really scares me. I feel like I should be crying out for help, but who would listen to me anyway? I would probably just be told to get over it and go on anyway, so why bother telling anyone about it? Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...........

Jazzey, I will tell you how my cardiologist told me to lose weight and how he lost 110 lbs himself. He told me to go to Wal-Mart and get some whey powder. It's Protein powder and you get it in the diet section by the pharmacy. It comes in either chocolate or vanilla. For Breakfast, make a Protein Drink by mixing the Whey powder with ice and some fruit or fruit juice. Be sure not to use bananas or pineapple, because they are high in sugar and will cause your insulin level to go up. I always add a little Splenda and Water to the mixture and usually use frozen fruit. Just enough to make it like a thick milk shake. For lunch, eat your largest meal of the day. Be sure to eat mainly low fat meat, like chicken or fish, and vegetables or salad with no carbohydrate dressing. From what I've found, Hidden Valley Buttermilk Ranch dressing has the least fat and carbohydrates than any other brand or flavor. For dinner, eat something like chicken Soup, without potatoes or corn, or just a salad with tuna on it or something like that. The main point is to eat NO CARBOHYDRATES! It's kind of like the Adkins Diet without the fat. Like I said, he's lost 110 lbs on it and I lost 40 lbs on it this past summer. Then, I came to help my daughter raise a litter of puppies and gained half of it back. I know it's hard to do, but it can be done, because I did it. And, of course the more exercise you get, the better. He said to limit portion sizes of meat and vegetables as well. If you get hungry in between, eat something without fat or carbohydrates. He said to drink an extra shake in the evenings if needed until you get past the craving for carbohydrates. There is also a great book you can read if you have any sugar problems called "Sugar Busters". It tells you what foods are high in sugar and how to keep you insulin levels low. I hope this helps you and I'm sure others will have some input on it to. Good luck and let us know what you decide to do. Joan

Terrilen, That really sucks! I think you are right though, it just wasn't meant to be or he would have met you. The funny thing is that you were the one skeptical of meeting him. He's definitely not worth your time and effort. I kinda feel the same way you do, if God has someone for me, he will put them in my path. If not, I guess I will just stay lonely. You are so right about the holidays to. It's hard spending them alone, but I'm used to it since I've been doing it so long already. I hope you don't let this guy get you down to much. You never know what the future holds. Good luck!

I am so glad you posted on the site. I am not banded yet, but I plan to be early next year. You have come to right place for help. There are lots of people on this site who are very supportive and helpful. You can post on here anytime and someone will help. I will be here for you if you need anything and let me know if I can help you.

Welcome to the site wish412! I'm also hoping to have surgery in January of 2007 myself. Congradulations on you great weight loss so far. I'm glad your doc recommended this site to you. My PCP didn't know anything about it, so the news needs to get out for those even considering having the band. I'm really excited about the future now that I have my appointment. Keep us updated and let us know how you are doing. Joan

Hi and welcome to the site. I am waiting for my consultation on January 5th, so I'm on auto pilot for the time being. I'm worried about the pre-op diet to, but I know I can do it and I know it will be worth it in the end. I am having my surgery in Dallas to by Dr Provost. I kinda live back and forth between Sherman, TX and Amarillo, TX, so I will just have to be going back and forth a lot to see my doc. Good luck with your surgery and let us know how it goes!

Ok everyone, I know this is a stupid question, but why do you need diet pills if you are banded? I'm not banded yet, so I was just wondering. I thought the whole purpose of the band was to make you not feel so hungry all the time, so I was just wondering. Joan

It should be fine, but I would call and tell them you are taking them. I seriously doubt it will keep you from having surgery, but they should know about it. Better to be safe than sorry IMO. Good luck with your surgery. Joan

Thanks Crispy! No, she isn't my surgeon, just my regular PCP. She's in Amarillo and my surgeon is in Dallas. I think she totally misunderstood what I was trying to say, but she doesn't need to be rude! I know I have messed up big time. I have an appointment with my cardiologist next week and he is going to have a fit about my weight gain and my smoking. I'm just under a lot of extra pressure down here and I need to get back to Amarillo where I have a lot more support from my other family members. Not so much the WLS, but things in general. You are right though, everyone else can shove it. They don't live in my body or my mind.

Ok Everyone, I went to Amarillo over this past weekend and saw my PCP while I was there. She really pissed me off! As you know, I'm not banded yet and I have done some pretty stupid things since I've been here with my daughter. First, I started smoking again. I know that's stupid, but there is just a lot going on here that I thought I would be able to handle better than I have. So, I've also been eating a lot of things I shouldn't be eating. I had lost about 36 lbs shortly before I came here and was feeling pretty good and I've gained 10 lbs back. Anyway, she was sooooooooooooo rude to me I just wanted to hit her or something! I told her I had been eating mostly what I wanted because I knew I wouldn't be able to after the surgery. She told me that's why she hates all WLS and I had been doing good before and could do it on my own if I really wanted to yada-yada-yada. Of course she's a stick, literally, and she has never been 1 oz overweight in her entire life. She said I would be able to eat those things after the surgery and I would still gain weight with the band. Well, DUH! Like I don't already know that. Then, she said I needed to see a psychiatrist and be in therapy, because I was destined to fail after being banded if I didn't. Can you guys believe that? I mean, I'm a nurse here and I know you can still eat things that are bad for you after you are banded, but that doesn't mean you will. I know what I should be eating and I know I want to have a few of the things I know are bad for me so I won't want them so bad after surgery. Anyway, it just hurt my feelings and made me so mad I could just spit. I just had to vent to you guys, because I know some of you must have gone through this yourselves. Any advice? I just am so depressed and need some encouragement. Please help! On a lighter note, I saw my friend I talk to all the time while I was there and we had a great time just talking and watching TV at his house. I'm not sure what I'm feeling here, but I think he's a lot of fun to hang out with.

Chrissytina32, I agree with Chrispy that you should meet this man. You may find out his voice has nothing to do with who he really is. I mean, he really could be gorgeous and good eye candy. Besides, if you don't like him, you won't wonder what might have happened if you had taken the time to at least meet him. Good luck with this difficult decision. Joan

Chrispy, I am game for the single to chat in the chat room. I think that would be a lot of fun! Joan

I have to agree with almost everyone on a few points they have made. I don't think we should be trying to limit how many children people have. They do that in Communist China and baby girls are routinely killed, because they are girls instead of boys. They have a limit of 2 children and then the one of the parents are sterilized; normally the mother. However, I do believe some peoople take things to far, rather it be for religious reasons or just plain irresponsibility. For example, some 35-40 year old adults receiving welfare have been in the welfare system their entire lives. Then, you have people in plural marriages that are illegal and they receive welfare, medicaid and food stamps, because all but 1 of the mothers are considered single moms with some of them having up to 15 children each. Sometimes there are estimated 50-60 children in 1 marriage. So, all of these situations put a strain on the economy and our entire society. If people choose not to have children, it doesn't matter to me. I had 1 child while my brother had 4. That was a decision I made when my daughter was very young and I haven't regretted it. But children do tend to get on my nerves sometimes. I just believe that's a personal choice we as American's have the right to make. I definitely agree with Carlene about the eminent domain issue. When someone purchases a home or a piece of property in the USA, they believe that property will belong to them forever. But, the government has decided we as individuals aren't important anymore, so they are forcing tax paying citizens out of their homes to build football stadiums, such as the 1 for the Dallas Cowboys being built in Arlington, TX, expensive condos on the beach, etc. All in all, there are lots of issues with few answers. Children do not choose to be born, so it's not right to take their food away from them. Lots of families live in the same house as the parents age due to not only financial reasons, but because they need someone to take care of them and no one really wants to go to a nursing home. Sometimes they are mobile and don't need to be in a nursing home, but are not stable enough to live on their own anymore. Every situation is different but, people should not have more children than they can afford to feed and clothe, so it is definitely a big social problem.

Jodie and Chocolate, You guys should feel fortunate to have the gay mafia (btw, there is no mafia) as friends. Since I've been staying with my daughter, I have seen no one except her and the dogs except at Wal-Mart or someplace like that. I talk on the phone, but my free minutes don't start until 7pm, so I have all day with no one to talk to since my daughter works nights. Ok, self pitty party over. LOL

Kayford, I know exactly what you mean about your last date. I think I have you beat though. The last date I had was with a guy who drives in braile! Well, not actually in braile, but he depends on the noise it makes when you are about to run off the road to keep him on the road. It's the guy I talk to all the time, but it scares the crap out of me to ride with him, and he was my last date.

Cathy, I was told a couple of days ago that you can't live in the past by my friend I talk to on the phone all the time. You are living proof that his is wrong! Your relationship with him gives me hope about my possible relationship with my old flame I wrote to! I think this is so exciting for you and I hope you two get together and stay together for the rest of your lives.

I hope today is a better day than yesterday. Hang in there and keep the faith!:girl_hug::Banane17::girl_hug::Banane48::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug::girl_hug:

Thanks for the encouragement Chrispy! I know I'm setting myself up for heartache, but I have to start somewhere. I have already had some very negative things happen with the guy I talk to on the phone all the time, but hopefully I will hear from my old neighbor. If I don't, it's his loss. If I do, all the better. I am just proud of myself for putting myself out there again. It has taken a long time and a lot of courage for me to do this.

I also wanted to let you guys know there is another great book called "Sugar Busters" that is solely dedicated to keeping your blood sugar down by the food choices you make. I have the book, but I don't have it with me, so I can't tell you the names of the authors. It is a wonderful book my PCP told me to get. I've read the entire book and I try to follow it carefully. Just thought you may be interested in it to. Joan

KristiB, I'm sorry you were so embarassed, but from this side, it's really funny. I can see myself doing the same thing, so I'm laughing with you, not at you. I can see myself running my mouth with my friend and wham, there they are. LOL At least you got to get some good eye candy! Joan

Chrispygal, that is very strange about these 2 guys. I think I might stay away from the 2nd 1 to! LOL I think the 1st guy sounds like you might have something there. Cathy, how exciting! The man, Steve, I've told you guys about was my next door neighbor when my daughter was 4 and 5 years old, and she is 33 now. So, it's been a long time, but I found out he was divorced, so I'm going for it. If he's interested, I'm not going to miss the 2nd chance either. I'm proud of you! Don't let the CA bother you to much. They can treat it so much better these days.

Giggles, Glad you had such a wonderful date. You should have made out with him though. That would have gotten you through your knee surgery better too! LOL:biggrin1: Pink, I'm glad you are starting to feel better, and way to go on the weight loss girl. Whoo-Hoo!!!:clap2::clap2::clap2: I'm glad I got the letter back to, because I was thinking he wasn't interested. I sent him another letter today to his Amarillo address and I'm gonna be there this weekend! The other guy, Donny, got his letter and I was shocked by how he acted and pretty mad at first, but I understand why he doesn't want in another relationship right now. So, just friends, but that's ok. I can talk to him about almost anything, which makes me feel really good. I even told him about the letter to Steve and he seemed happy for me. We'll just have to see on both guys. Joan

I am so sorry your daughter is having such a hard time. I was slightly overweight at your her age, but my mother reacted very badly in my case. First, my mom was obsessed with her weight when I was growing up. She would not eat for 2 days if she gained a few lbs and expected me to do the same. My family on both sides have obesity problems, so I know part of mine is genetic. However, my mom took me to a doctor and had me put on diet pills at your daughter's age and I think that was a huge mistake. I lost weight and stayed thin through high school by starving myself most of the time, but I started gaining weight shortly after my daughter was born. She's 33 now, but I still have the weight problem. I am not banded yet, but I have my consultation early next year. I do have some concerns about your daughter though. Someone mentioned they thought she may be bipolar, formerly known as manic depressive disorder. Unfortunately, they will not diagnose bipolar disorder until she gets older. I found it interesting that this happens about once a month. This could definitely be PCOS or just PMS. However, suicidal ideations at any age should be taken very seriously. I agree you did the right thing when you took her to the ER, but I am concerned about possible chemical imbalance in her brain and clinical depression. You didn't mention her other habits such as, if she is really messy, if she has to have everything done in a ritualistic manner, etc. Those are signs of obessive-compulsive disorder. She may need to see a psychiatrist along with her therapist. I also believe the previous advice about seeing and endocronologist is vital, so ask for a referral to the endocronologist from her PCP. As active as she is, there many definitely be a medical problem here. Even though it was never diagnosed, I believe I had PSOS and had to have a hysterectomy when I was 28. No chance for more children, so I have an only child. Before even considering the band or any other type of surgery, I would see all of these other types of physicians to rule out medical problems. I worked with another nurse who had gastric bypass surgery when she was a teenager and later discovered she had thyroid disease. After she was treated for the thyroid disease, she had a difficult time maintaining a healthy weight. So, please please have the medical conditions ruled out before considering surgery of any kind. You have already read all of the posts about where to shop for her, hair, makeup, etc., so those should also be done. As a RN, I'm very concerned about her health issues. I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep us updated. We really do care! Joan

We are going to have a great Christmas this year, but that's because I shopped early! I've already bought all of the presents for my daughter, my mother, and all of the girls in the family. I only have 6 people to buy for still. But, the mess comes from having 2 adult Boxer's and 7 5 week old puppies! So, we are afraid to put up a Christmas tree or anything. But, the money we get from selling the pups is sure going to come in handy! Our male is a little spastic, to say the least, so we're just going to wrap the presents and put them around the wooden snowman my daughter has. Then, most of my immediate family will go to my brother's for Christmas. He lives in the hill country of Texas, so all love to go there and see the hundreds of deer! Expecting a great Christmas this year! I figured it up and I've spent around $800 so far, but we have a large family and I spend the most on my daughter! What a spoiled brat. LOL