ezzie5

I am a mother of five and all children are grown.  Most of my life I was thin even after my first three boys my weight range was 120 - 130.  But since giving birth to my last son 20 years ago, I have gained weight, 5 or 10 pounds each year.  My youngest son doesn't really know a thin Mom.  I'm not happy with how I look or feel.  I am constantly thinking about food.  My husband doesn't desire me anymore and romance is only in books.  I work full time as an Admin Aide so during the work hours isn't as bad but from 5:00 - Midnight, look out!  My husband goes to bed at 7:00 and I am up alone with my cat and refrigerator.  My weight keeps me from wanting to see anyone from the past or putting on a bath suit when we are on vacation.  If I see someone from school (back in the day) I turn the other way and run.  I find myself not liking skinny women and you can be sure they won't be close friends to meet my husband because my fear is he'll fall for them and visa versa.  My husband is handsome and not overweight and has that personality that women always say "he's so cute and nice and has such a great sense of humor."  So friends are not coming home to my house.  Anyway, when I walk by a mirror I cringe.  I look so different with the weight gain.  I was skinny and received plenty of whistles but the last 16 years of my 58 years, there has been none.  I hate the way I look. I really do and clothes, gosh I want to wear cute clothes.  I am going to the dietician as my insurance requires and then a psych eval.  My surgery goal is early May.  One day I feel so excited about my journey and the next day I am so worried about the surgery.  I will pray every night that my journey will be succesfful and fearless.  I came to this site to find encouragement and suggestions, etc.  Thanks for listening/reading;-)